Epiphany Pt. 05

Sam nodded. Linda carried on. “If we don’t divorce do you still want to have sex with them? Or, do you still want to date other women?”

“There is a part of me that would feel vindicated to have sex with other women and that part of me would feel that my manhood would be reaffirmed by having sex with other women. But I hope that I am mature enough to realize that extramarital behavior is destructive regardless of the short term pleasure that I may derive from it. I think we, right now, are proof of that. Your behavior, along with my family’s approval, has demonstrated that very destructive outcome.”

Linda had to agree. While she was carrying on with Charlie she was too close to the problem to see the whole picture of the destruction she was fomenting with him. It wasn’t until Sam confronted them all and told them what he thought of them that she could see the darkness she had brought down on them all. Now, with the experience of being lonely and ostracized, along with the estrangement from the man she had pledged to love and honor, and her therapist’s insights, she was seeing how destructive her behavior had been.

She sat and ruminated about her choices and the consequences. Suddenly she couldn’t take it any longer. “Sam, please take me home. I mean to my apartment. I can no longer contemplate dancing and drinking.” Her countenance was set as though in stone. Sam, though, could read her and felt she was just about ready to break down. He settled the bill and soon they were headed back to their respective domiciles. There was no conversation on the way.

Linda exited the car as soon as it came to a stop. She almost ran for the stairs to the apartment and Sam saw her stumble a little on the stairs. He surmised that the tears were keeping her from seeing clearly. He shook his head and went into his large empty home. He didn’t feel like he was going to break down and cry but did acknowledge his own feelings of sadness, betrayal (again), and loss.

Like Linda the thought of sex was not on the immediate horizon.

Sam started the gas log fire and went and changed into relaxed and casual clothing. He then poured a measure of whiskey into a glass and contemplated the fire. For millennia man had sought solace and insight from fire. Sam just felt soothed by the flames. The damper was fully open and the doors were closed so the temperature didn’t go up very much.

Sam didn’t register the passing of time while he sat with deep thoughts. He was heartened by the renewal of his relationship with Cindy and Doug and their children. But then he immediately was saddened again by the thought of the treacherousness of his own mother and her dislike of him. Considering his brother, James, gave him a rueful smile until he revisited the feelings he had experienced a little over a year ago. Realizing that he was the outsider in his own family, that his wife was having an affair with his best friend, his daughter wanted nothing to do with him, his granddaughter called another man “Grandpa”, and his son-in-law had not shown him any respect by keeping the secret of the affair made him fall deeper into a depression.

Sam also didn’t pay attention to how much whiskey he was imbibing. He just kept pouring a finger at a time as he slowly emptied the bottle. This was one of the times that he didn’t appear drunk or even a little out of control no matter how much he drank. For a moment he wondered if Linda was doing the same thing in her lonely apartment but decided it was not his problem to deal with.

Then came the central question, should he divorce Linda? Or should he just keep the status quo? Or should he reconcile? Just considering the question based on money alone it would be wiser to either maintain the status quo or reconcile. He would not have to pay Linda anything then. He would lose about 50% of his wealth if they divorced. Actually her attorney would ask for more as he had cut Linda off from all monies except the monthly allowance. Her attorney would advocate some kind of punishment of Sam regardless of the provocation and, based on current case law, would probably get it.

Finally Sam just fell into kind of a fugue state. He no longer was actively thinking and had quit drinking. He was lost in the flames. He didn’t hear the footsteps outside the den. The footsteps went to the master bedroom and then returned.

When he finally came back to the present he was surprised to see Linda dozing on the couch near him. She was also dressed in soft casual, very comfortable, clothing. She looked so peaceful as she slept. Sam had to admit he still loved the bitch. She was the center of everything. But, could he rebuild trust in her? Would the question of her future fidelity drive him crazy?

As though she felt his gaze Linda opened her eyes, smiled at Sam, and stretched. Her still lithe body made his cock hard. The way her small breasts moved under the soft material let him know that she was braless.

Linda sat up. “I was surprised to find you sitting there. I expected to find you in bed and I was hoping for a snuggle instead of our usual booty call. I was kind of concerned when you did not say anything when I greeted you. I wondered if you had a stroke or something but I decided you were just lost in thought. I won’t offer a penny for them because I think I know what you were concentrating on.”

Sam just looked at her but didn’t reply. He still had no organized thoughts about his future. Finally, after many quiet minutes, he started to speak. “While I will admit that I still love you and know that no matter what happens we will have some kind of relationship if not just because of Cindy and Doug and the kids, I have no respect for you right now. I understand that you and your therapist are working hard to figure out why you started and then continued your affair with Charlie but, and this is the stickler, you completely disrespected me and our marriage, and my family assisted you at every turn.”

Linda started to softly cry. Sam continued. “I know I seem to be beating a dead horse here but I don’t think you understand the depth of my anger, sadness, depression and grief.” He couldn’t stand it any longer. He stood and towered over his wife and screamed. “YOU THOUGHTLESS, HEARTLESS BITCH! YOU RIPPED MY HEART OUT AND STOMPED IT INTO THE GROUND. I HAD NOBODY, LITERALLY NOBODY ON MY SIDE. I WAS DEPRIVED OF EVERYONE. MY BEST FRIEND WAS YOUR LOVER. MY DAUGHTER DENIED ME. MY GRANDDAUGHTER DIDN’T RECOGNIZE ME AS HER GRANDPA. MY MOTHER BELITTLED AND MADE FUN OF HOW NAÏVE AND GULLIBLE I WAS. MY SON-IN-LAW KEPT QUIET AND LET THIS SHIT CONTINUE. MY ONLY FUCKING BROTHER SIDED WITH YOU AND TREATED ME LIKE SHIT!”

Sam was out of breath. Linda was cowering on the couch and nodding as she cried. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down and slow down his speech. “I don’t think there is any chance of full reconciliation until you understand my pain and I don’t know how to get you to understand where I am coming from. Maybe we need a formal separation that would be legal in the eyes of the court.” He collapsed back into his chair and stared at the fire again. Where was the solace he had found just a few minutes ago?

He must have attained his meditative state again because when he looked up again Linda was gone. He sighed deeply and went to bed. It was a fitful sleep that night.

Fast forward to Cinda’s fourth birthday celebration. Sam hadn’t made up his mind. He and Linda had not spoken since his outburst. Their original plan had been to ride together to the celebration but since they had not spoken Sam had driven himself. There was a little feeling of déjà vu as he had driven alone to the last birthday celebration.

He arrived just as Cindy and Doug and the kids did. This time, instead of just a perfunctory greeting, he was hugged by his daughter and granddaughter. Cinda grabbed his hand and led him to the playground equipment and showed him every different piece and made him play with her.

Soon Mary Morse arrived with James and Deena. Darla drove herself and had a man with her. She had to introduce him to the family. Linda arrived last and after her introduction to Darla’s date found herself seated at the end of the table with her mother-in-law.

Sam never gave much thought to the seating arrangement until Cinda was ready to eat her cake and ice cream and forego the pleasures of playing with the myriad of kids yelling and screaming as they had the time of their young lives.

When he approached the table with Cinda he found that Cindy had kept a chair for him next to Cinda’s chair. Cinda led him to the chair and announced, “This is where you sit, Paw-Paw. You need to be right next to me so you can help me open my presents.”

Sam gave his granddaughter a huge smile and helped her onto her chair. She was still short enough that she had to sit on her knees to see over the table top. It didn’t stop her from dominating the table. Her eating habits had improved with the intervening year so she didn’t make as much mess. Little Douglas made up for it. He had a small piece of cake and was proceeding to spread each crumb around his face, his hair, his shirt, the table, and the high chair he was sitting in. Sam really couldn’t tell if he even got any into his mouth. It didn’t matter as all the adults were grinning at his dress rehearsal for his own first birthday coming up in about five months. Pictures were taken by all with a phone. Even Cinda laughed at her little brother.

It was a great birthday party. The only ones who seemed to be disappointed were Mary and Linda. Few seldom directed a comment toward either. They were forced to speak with each other. Sam didn’t think their conversation was very friendly. Occasionally he heard Linda tell Mary what a stupid cunt she was in how she had treated her youngest son. Mary would fire back about how much a slut Linda had been. Both were trying to keep their voices down but, when you are angry your voice tends to increase and travel well.

Finally James had had enough. He stood and went to his mother’s side. “Mom, I know I shouldn’t say this but I am too tired and upset to put up with it anymore. You have denigrated my brother and now are attacking his wife. Linda did wrong, but so did you. Linda is trying to make amends but you are still a bitch of the first order. I know I speak for Sam and maybe even for Darla. We don’t want to have any contact with you ever again if you won’t get your head out of your ass and treat us all with a little respect. I won’t ask for you to show any love as that is probably outside the realm of possibility. Just go away and try to see if you have any respect for anyone other than your own pitiful self.”

Mary was so amazed that James had accosted her this way that she was speechless for a short time. It didn’t last long though. “How dare you tell me how to act. All three of you sniveling whiners need to grow up and realize that you mean nothing to me. I don’t know why I ever let the three of you see the light of day. I should have aborted you all. Such unkind and uncaring whelps that you would say such things to an old woman and your mother to boot.”

James wasn’t put off. “You know, Mother, I think it is time for you to go home.” He turned to Darla. “If you please, would you call for a taxi for this old bitch? I think I do not want to sully my old car with her presence ever again.”

Darla nodded and quickly called for a ride for Mary. No one spoke for the longest time. The taxi arrived in about fifteen minutes and Mary left with her back straight and her lips pursed in disgust at how she was being treated.

In the weeks to come Mary should have started to realize what she had wrought. Even Darla quit calling her. None of her children had any need of any of her money, time or company so she became a recluse except for a couple of old friends who had not believed the stories about how Mary had treated Sam.

She became even more embittered and irascible and soon drove even those few friends away. She would later die alone in a nursing home after falling and breaking her hip and not be found for two days.

As for the rest of the family they welcomed Linda back but it wasn’t the same warm relationship that she had before Charlie Wink. Everyone was a little reserved. Sometimes she wondered if it was because of her actions or their own culpability in how Sam was treated. Over all, though, did it matter?

A few weeks post party Sam called Linda and asked her out for a date. Linda was thrilled and went all out to impress her husband. She bought a new dress, had her hair and nails done, and even endured the pain of a Brazilian wax.

They went out and didn’t seem to have the difficulties of their last date. They talked. Linda described some of the people she worked with and Sam agreed to accompany Linda to her next company party and meet her co-workers. They went out and danced. Linda was so pleased at the loss of weight by Sam and she told him many times. It was a good date.

But, at the end of the evening, if Linda was hoping to finish the night in the bedroom having hot, sweaty sex with Sam, she was very mistaken. Sam admittedly had an erection when they danced slow and close and they did dance many slow dances together. He had also felt her erect nipples against his chest and how her breath had caught at various times during the close dancing. Sam wasn’t clueless. He just wasn’t ready to jump back into a full-on relationship with his estranged wife.

They parted company outside the garage. Linda went up to her apartment while Sam put away the car. Sam then went inside and changed into his walking clothes even though it was very late and went out for a walk.

He missed Linda quickly showering, dressing in a slinky gown and then trying to sneak into his bedroom to attack him. She was disappointed to find the bedroom empty. She contemplated waiting for him to come home but decided that she would just make a booty call another night.

Early the next morning Sam locked up the house and set the alarm panel before leaving for the airport. He had a couple of business appointments in Atlanta and planned for a full week away.

Linda accidently set off the alarm when she went to work out later that morning. The Klaxon sound startled her and she had to race to shut the alarm down. Sam did not leave any note nor had he sent her a text outlining his plans. Linda had no idea how long he would be gone.

When she checked with Cindy she found out Sam’s itinerary. “Sorry, Mom, I thought he would have told you that he wasn’t going to see Cinda and little Douglas this week while he is out of town.”

Linda was sadly disappointed in finding out that Sam didn’t seem to care enough to even let her know when he was traveling. She didn’t say anything, she just texted him and wished him well on his trip. There was no answer.

Sam returned home the following Monday. He waited until Tuesday to let Linda know he was back and asked her out on a date again. She accepted. Their date went well. Sam arranged a boat ride and picnic on a nearby lake. Again they had a good time and spent the early evening having good conversation. Linda flirted with her husband and he seemed ready to flirt back. But when they returned to the dock Sam was ready to call it a night and drove them straight home. Again Linda got out of the car and went upstairs to her apartment while Sam put his car away. She didn’t waste any time and came right across to his bedroom. She needed his body, his loving touch, and his hard cock. It had been weeks.

He wasn’t there and didn’t come in. She found out later that he had an Uber driver scheduled to arrive a couple of minutes after they returned. His bag had been packed and in the trunk. While Linda was sneaking over to his bedroom Sam was getting out the bag and walking down the drive to the gate and getting into the Uber and was soon at the airport to fly to the west coast for another week of meetings.

Linda became despondent when she started to realize that Sam had not forgiven her yet. She thought back to the night in front of the fire and Sam’s tirade about how heartless she had been while fucking Charlie.

She had to admit that when she talked Sam into moving back into their house that she naively believed that soon she and Sam would be back together. Hot, late night sex and being close enough to see each other on a constant basis should have rebuilt all the bridges she had destroyed. At least that was Linda’s thought at the time.

She wondered briefly if he had another woman somewhere but decided it really didn’t matter. His message was clear, “I don’t need you.” Maybe she might not ever know the pain of being betrayed but she was beginning to know the pain of being marginalized. Except for the few dates they had been on (and those were weeks apart) Sam had not made any overtures toward her. No, all of the attempts to re-connect had come from her. The late night sex was only because she was horny. She had not made any overt attempt to see if he had more needs than the occasional late night booty call and, even then, she knew that he would have probably sent her away if he had been awake before she crept up on him.

This went on for many weeks. Sam would be home for a day or two before Linda might even know he was there. Sometimes she became aware of his presence when she heard the large mower out tending the lawn. Other times Cindy might tell her that Sam had come and taken the kids to the park for an afternoon. Sam kept to himself so well that he was almost like a ghost, coming and going so quietly.

Approximately every two weeks Sam would call Linda and ask her out for a date. Linda tried to be upbeat each and every evening they went out. Sam reciprocated by being an attentive date. They talked and ate and danced for hours. Each and every night ended the same. Sam would let Linda out before putting the car away. Then he would go for a walk, a long swim in the pool, or just leave again.

Linda quit trying to sneak in on him for her booty call. Most of those nights she just laid in her bed and wept in her grief for what she had destroyed. She tried to rationalize as to why she even went out on the dates with Sam. Was she still trying to get back with him or was she just serving her penance until Sam finally filed for divorce?

Her relationship with Cindy wasn’t doing so well either. Before the fallout of her affair the mother and daughter had spoken on the phone almost daily and had been out to lunch or shopping together as least once a week. Now their phone conversations were down to once or twice weekly and their get-togethers were only once or so a month, usually when Sam could join them.

Linda continued to work at her job and now was religious about her workout regime. Sometimes Sam would come in and lift weights while she was on the treadmill. Rarely they would find their swimming times coinciding. This was especially hard since Sam seemed to be gone so much.

Their conversations were almost like a brother/sister relationship or, if you were to be generous, an elderly couple’s conversations. Their topics were wide ranging but both seemed to avoid the one topic that was uppermost in Linda’s mind: namely, their marital future.

After months of occasional nights out, usually with dining and then dancing, Linda refused to get out of the car when they returned to the house. “Sam, I don’t know exactly what your goal is here. If you are still punishing me, then you are succeeding. I am lonely and I literally ache for you. I have no intention of leaving you and that is why I have gone along with everything you have done these past months. I have not tried to meet anyone else or even have gone out to just have sex to relieve my frustrations.

I have quit trying to sneak in and attack you in your sleep. I don’t watch for you to swim late at night and fall asleep in your lounge chair by the pool. I don’t try to wear some enticing swimwear and join you when you are swimming. If you notice, you join me in the pool, I don’t join you anymore.”