Epiphany Pt. 05

She stopped to catch her breath and see if Sam was agreeing or disagreeing with her. “I also want to rebuild my relationship with Cindy and the kids but my stupidity looms over everything as long as you are still punishing me. Cindy, I think, still blames me for her stupid comments about you when I was having my affair with Charlie. Right or wrong, it doesn’t matter if I am fully at fault. We just don’t have the mother/daughter relationship we used to have. I seldom even get to see my grandchildren but I hear that you regularly take them out for play dates.”

Linda ran out of breath and thoughts just then. She let the tears roll down her face as she tried to read her husband’s face. It was like he was a stranger. She couldn’t figure out his mood or his thoughts until he spoke.

“Come with me and I will explain where I am at.” Sam beckoned her to come into the house with him. They left the car outside the garage, which was a big no-no in their neighborhood, and went into the den.

Sam got out a couple of large manila envelopes and sat them side by side on the coffee table that was separating them. “I know I have been neglecting you for some time now. This has been both intentional and, at the same time, a by-product of some business I decided to conclude. Depending on what you decide that business may or may not affect you in some way.”

He opened one of the envelopes. “If you wish to remain married to me we will sign a new legal agreement that will outline what will happen if there is ever another extramarital affair. If you agree to this and have even an emotional affair with another person and I feel slighted by it then you will receive a solid one million dollars and the title to the house and whatever car you are driving at the time. You will sign away all rights to any other monies and properties. If I stray or engage in an emotional affair that hurts you then I will only keep one million dollars, give you fifty percent of all our assets and the rest will be given to charities you and I agree on. I won’t even try to keep the house or my car.”

Sam stopped to answer any questions. Linda didn’t say a word or ask anything. Sam went on. “If we are to recommit to a real marriage then this is non-negotiable.”

Linda nodded her understanding and perused her copy of the agreement.

Sam continued. “I would also suggest, but it isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, that we go to a marriage counselor. I believe we each have issues that need to be addressed. I know I let my physical body get very out of shape and may have precipitated your affair. There are also trust issues that need to be addressed and maybe by both of us. Dealing with guilt, anger and depression are also subjects I think we need to tackle. I know I have done everything I can think of, short of bringing home a whore and fucking her right in front of you, to create the feelings of guilt and depression.”

Linda continued to look the paper over but paused to let Sam know she was listening.

Sam opened the other envelope. “This document is a little more straight forward. It is a divorce application. If you desire to go this route you will receive half of our monies along with the house and your car. I have listed every account. There are no hidden agendas or punishments involved. I will not attempt to delay or slow the process of splitting up. There will be no counseling sessions. We can share the attorney if you desire. He assures me that we will be placed on the docket of a fair judge who won’t pull any shenanigans. In less than six months you will be free of me.”

He put the sheaf of papers in front of Linda next to the other agreement. “I guess this boils down to a road filled with potholes and quicksand that will be difficult to navigate but we could still be married at the end. The divorce options give you a lot of money and a fresh start. I will be in the same boat.”

Linda had a very somber look on her face as she considered both of the options in front of her. Finally she looked up at Sam and asked, “What do you want? I have already told you that if you want to split up I won’t fight and will accept any offer.”

Sam sat down next to her. Linda took his hands in hers. “I mean it with my whole heart and being. If you don’t want to have me in your life any longer I will understand. I will hate it but I know I drove you to this point. You keep bringing up your weight as a possible reason for my affair. It had nothing at all to do with it. For some strange and inexplicable reason I just got it into my head that I could have Charlie and you also. I began to live a fantasy. And then, for another strange reason, everyone started to accept it as a normal thing. Maybe it was your mother’s attitude, I don’t know. The affair just grew to have a life of its own. Other than your mother, I don’t think anyone really wanted to hurt you or have you suffer. We were all shocked when you finally realized what was going on and how you handled it. When you cut us all out of your life and how you did it shook us all, except your mother and Charlie.”

Linda grasped his hands in emphasis. “Please believe me when I say this. I never wanted to have you leave me. Charlie had to console me for days after you moved out. Yes, there was sex but not the crazy sex we had started with since I was so sad about you leaving. Still, I couldn’t face what I had done. There was some stupid anger with you cutting me off and threatening me if I filed for divorce. I was still living in my little fantasy world and couldn’t see your side of the shitty story. After Charlie left I finally started to realize what I had done. I figured you would immediately move back in and demand your husbandly rights and I was ready. I would have fucked you on the front lawn. Do not think of it as allowing you to slink back home.”

She paused to make sure he read her facial expression right. “I just didn’t fully understand what I had done. I suppose I had that modern feminist thinking that it was my body and I could do whatever I wanted with it. I completely failed to consider the bulk of the issue. The sex was only the physical part of my betrayal. The complete disregard of your feelings, hopes, dreams, companionship, friendship, and familial place was the worst part. And I am right aren’t I?”

Sam nodded. He chose not to speak right then and let her air her thoughts. She continued. “When I found out about how you had cut off Cindy and Doug I was furious. I don’t think I have ever been so angry at anyone in my life like I was then. How could you do this to us and especially our daughter? Then when Cindy told me that you were just granting her wish that Charlie should be her real father I got a glimmer of what we had done. No, there was no sudden awareness of the hurt we had inflicted on you. It came a little at a time. After Charlie left I had plenty of time to reflect.”

She stopped and smiled a small rueful smile. “Other than the sex I really didn’t miss Charlie. Oh, maybe the pillow talk of a close friend but not the deep feeling we always shared before I got stupid. Then I found out you had gone to Europe with Temperance and Delight. On the one hand it was supposed to be you and me together on that trip. I was so pissed off I couldn’t see straight for days. How could you disrespect me that way? Jesus, what a shit I was. Then I took satisfaction in the fact that you were with a dedicated lesbian couple and would probably have to use prostitutes to get your rocks off. I didn’t realize how much you had worked to get back into shape and never considered that your roommates were bisexual. That hurt when you announced that little fact.”

She took a deep breath. “Anyhow, I think you have played me like a fiddle. Cindy is your daughter again and will not tolerate even a hint of any condemnation of how you have been treating me. Cinda and little Douglas love their Paw-Paw and look forward to each visit with you. Doug respects you more now since you cut him off. I think your relationship with James is even better. From what I see he never belittles you like a kid brother anymore. He treats you fairly and like an adult finally.” She stopped and shrugged her shoulders. “Your mother is now reaping her years of poor treatment of you and, also, your siblings. She is lonely and deserves to be so. She still can’t understand why you aren’t her lap dog anymore.”

Linda seemed to finally run out of breath. She released Sam’s hands and sat back. It was his turn.

“You asked, what do I want? The quick answer is to travel back in time about five years and make sure that Charlie and you never got together for sex. He would still be my good friend and we would be happy and we would have never had to go through the hell we had to survive. But, that is not an option. When I finally figured out what was going on, it was at Cinda’s birthday party and I realized I was the outsider. I was not included in any conversation. No one wanted to sit next to me and certainly didn’t want to hear anything I might want to say. I had fully intended to announce my retirement timeline just before we broke up for the day but decided to keep those plans to myself. Darla was the only one who seemed to understand what I just realized.”

Sam took Linda’s hands in his own. “I floundered a little trying to decide what to do. I followed you and Charlie to his house that afternoon and watched you act like a couple of lovers as you got into the car and then out of the car. When I came home I decided to use physical activity to help me cope with what was going on. I also had made a promise to myself earlier that day to get back into decent physical shape since I was getting older so I swam and then walked. You don’t know how hard it was to admit I was in terrible shape.

When I came home and found you both sitting together in the living room, I wanted to smash you both. You had forgotten about including me in your supper plans and then suggested Chinese, which you both knew I hated. Your casual disrespect cut me more than the sex. Hell, if you had come to me and told me how bad Charlie was dealing with his wife’s illness I might have even agreed to you comforting him in any way he needed. We will never know now will we?”

Sam didn’t wait for her answer. “I activated my voice recorder before going up to bed that night and then turned on the voice recorder feature on my phone in the living room. I heard your little love talk and your oral sex with Charlie when I sat with the investigator the next day. We came up with the plan to have you followed and on that Tuesday, in the early morning while you were still sleeping, we put a bug in your phone. They tracked you for that full week. We had recordings where you cut my guts out and left me trampled in the dirt. I am sorry but you can only imagine how I felt then. I had no wife, no lover, no child, no family left. It would have been better if you had all been killed in a car accident together. I would have been grief stricken but I would not have had to live with your betrayal of everything I held near and dear.”

He shook his head. “Enough of that. I go down that dark path again and nobody will survive next time. I would just disappear and leave you all with nothing. You wanted to know what I want. What I really want is a true friend. Someone I can laugh with, hang out with, go to plays and concerts. I want a lover who will go dancing with me and share good and bad times with. I want someone who understands that silence isn’t a bad thing now and then. I want a loving body next to me in my cold and lonely bed. I want to be involved with my daughter’s life and the lives of my grandchildren.” Sam stopped and gave Linda the most direct and intense look he could so she would understand the next statement. “I want and need a partner who will always be there, ready to fight any foe to defend me, and who will be there as our bodies start to age and betray us as we get ready for that final door to step through. Are you that person or do I start to really look elsewhere?”

There were tears running down Linda’s face. She knew the answer but couldn’t find her voice. She lifted his hands and kissed them.

Fast forward a few years.

It had been a tough go. Linda had immediately signed the paper outlining how they would go forward. They found a good counselor and began intense therapy. Slowly they regained trust in each other and started to rebuild faith in their future together. Sex was off the table for many months to come as physical pleasure sometimes mask emotional needs. When they came together again they learned to explore each other as though they had never had carnal knowledge of each other before.

Sam also took Linda with him on his trips. He had been looking at investment properties in various cities, especially ones where they might spend significant amounts of time. They finally bought condos in Florida and in the mountains.

Was their relationship ever back to where it had been? No, it couldn’t do that. Forgiveness was there but the specter of what she had shared with Charlie never was fully dealt with. Linda did everything she could to prove to Sam that he was the only one and she succeeded for the most part.

Sam made sure that Linda was always consulted with every decision, even the timing of their travels as he gave up more and more of the running of the business.

Was it smooth sailing. No, there were many times when Sam would become almost violently angry when reminded somehow of what had been done to him. Linda learned to just grab him and hold him and sooth him until he calmed down. Conversely there were times when Linda would become despondent and dwell on the hell she had created. Sam would have to reassure her of his forgiveness and also just hold her and give her his shoulder to cry on.

You might ask, what about Charlie? Sam didn’t try to find him to extract some measure of retribution. He figured that a penniless aging man would get his just reward. No matter how good a cocksman Charlie was, without money he wouldn’t be getting much young and firm stuff. There were also not that many mature but well maintained females like Linda around. Nope, most women Charlie might attract would be of the softer, less athletic type. Each would be a great life companion but probably not the sexual dynamo that Charlie seemed to want and need.

Sam fully figured that Charlie would end up broke and lonely and so didn’t need any further thought. Maybe that is the final revenge, to not even be thought of anymore.

Life goes on.