Ericka Misses the Cut

Ericka McKann sat at her kitchen table staring at her laptop computer on an Easter Sunday morning hoping the screen in front of her would change. Her mostly full cup of coffee sat on table beside it growing cold. The next day was the start of the year's police academy cadet class. Six weeks of training stood between her and her becoming a cop. She ranked 28 after taking the exam. Not as good as she would like, but not bad. Most years it would be more than good enough, but this year the police budget was cut. No, not cut, it was increased less than normal, and one of the cutbacks was reducing the new recruit class size from 60 to 24 cadets. When the offers came out, 2 of the top 24 declined - that usually only happened if someone failed a background check or accepted another job like the FBI or CIA. Whatever the reason they left the class making Ericka 26. Of 24. Unless 2 more people declined it wouldn't be good enough. She wasn't good enough.

At 9am an alarm rang on her phone. She had been up since before 6 sitting in her nightshirt pressing snooze over and over but now it was really time to get up. It was still Easter Sunday and she still needed to go to church with the family. In truth she usually enjoyed these weekly family gatherings. With her father and brother now both out of state, going to mass with her Aunt Anne (her mother's sister) and cousins was normally something she looked forward to. She took a bath, mostly resisting the urge to finger herself while she cleaned herself and then shaved her pubis, legs and pits.

Exiting the bath, she wrapped the towel around herself and went to her closet. In discussing plans last week her Aunt made it clear that Easter was a day for a dress. Not for jeans, not for slacks, not even a skirt, but a dress. Ericka didn't have many of those in her closet. She rejected the dress she wore last Easter and two bridesmaids dresses. She didn't think Aunt Anne would approve of the short dresses that she would wear on a night out with the girls dancing. But in the back of her closet was a yellow camisole sundress she hadn't worn in a few years. Thin shoulder straps held the dress up and a column of eight buttons shaped as little flowers ran up the middle. The skirt came down to her mid thigh and with the bare arms it was showing too much skin for what her family would approve of on a Sunday morning at church, though it seemed like it would be fine for a walk in the park. Ericka went to the other side of her closet and found a white cardigan that she could wear over the dress to cover her shoulders for church. She dressed, experimented in the mirror with the sweater open and closed, ultimately deciding that open looked better. She decided it needed one more thing, and put on a pair of white pantyhose. She thought it complimented the sweater and her Aunt couldn't complain about too much leg showing. About 15 minutes later she completed putting a light amount of makeup and then slid into a pair of 2-1/2 in sandal wedges before she left on time to catch the red line to meet the family at 11:30 mass.

Easter mass was crowded as always. She was sandwiched between her older cousin Shaun and the edge of the pew. Ericka asked Shaun where his girlfriend Tatianna was. He replied that she was at church with her family and that they preferred the 10am mass. Ericka thought something was bothering him but didn't think that this was the time and place to talk about it. There would be plenty of time later at dinner or watching the Red Sox game or over drinks afterwards. Mass started and Ericka went through the motions standing, kneeling, sitting and mumbling something that almost sounded like the right words at the right times. While the priest droned on about how Easter wasn't a once a year event, Ericka took out her phone to check on her status. She was still 26 of 24.

After mass she walked the few blocks to Aunt Anne's house and preparations for dinner began. Once inside, Ericka took off her sweater and joined the other women in the kitchen to try to help. She was pretty good with the knife so shredded lettuce and cabbage then sliced up the potatoes and carrots. When her tasks eres done she asked what to help with next.

Aunt Anne took two beers from the refrigerator handed them to Ericka and said, "Have a beer with your cousin Shaun. Something is bothering him and he wouldn't talk to me about it. Maybe he'll talk to you? Me and the children can take care of the food from here" Ericka looked, the children were two of her younger cousins. At 16 and 19 years old they probably didn't like being considered children, but in their mother's eyes they would be - at least until they got married and gave her grandchildren. Preferably in that order.

Ericka's cousin Shaun was all man. At 25 he was the oldest of her cousins and since her Uncle Frank passed away he was the man of the house. At 5 foot 10, 185 pounds of solid Irish muscle he was a pretty intimidating sight even when he wasn't in his police uniform. Ericka found him sitting on the couch watching the pre-game show for the Red Sox she handed him one of the beers and sat next to him.

Ericka waited for the commercial break before she asked him, "Where's Tatiana? She's practically part of the family, I thought she'd be here for Easter dinner." She took a sip of her beer, "Or maybe you'd be with her family."

He took a drink from the beer before answering, "My mom sent you to talk to me?" Ericka nodded and he continued, "Well today Tatiana is having dinner with her folks and her brothers and sister and cousins and I'm here with my lovely family" Ericka waited while he took another drink from his beer. "Her idea. Not mine. Game's starting." They watched the game for a bit, not saying much of anything besides commenting on an uneventful game. In the middle of the second inning Shaun sent Ericka to get him a new beer. She returned with one for each of them.

Ericka waited. She knew Shaun would talk when he was ready to. If she pushed it might make things worse. But she and her older cousin always had each other's back. He had been more of an older brother than her older brother had ever been. And there was certainly a time or two in her fantasies that he would be a kissing cousin, or more. After the fourth inning Shaun told Ericka, "I proposed to Tatiana last night."

"Fuck" Ericka kept her voice down, and dragged the word out as she realized if he proposed and they aren't here together, "So I take it she didn't say 'yes'?" She asked it as a question.

"She didn't say yes. She didn't say no. What she actually said was that she 'can't marry a cop.'"

"I didn't see that coming. Fuck. She knew you are a cop right? She's known that for a while now, right? "

"Yes. For a while. When we first met she didn't know. I just chatted her up at a bar on the beach. We both like the way the other looked. We danced. We drank. We didn't take each other serious for a while. Then somewhere along the way we did. Maybe it was Halloween. I went as a stripper cop and she was a damn sexy vampire. We went to a party together and most of our friends already saw us as a couple. Our first kiss was that night. In character I gave her a lap dance and at the end I kissed her. She kissed me back. I knew then I wanted to kiss this woman every night for the rest of my life."

"Wow cuz, that's sounds pretty romantic. She doesn't feel the same?"

"It took a little longer for her, but we said our 'I love you' on Thanksgiving and started talking forever on New Year's. Had conversations about having kids and everything. She wants 4, at least one of each."

He was interrupted by the excitement on the TV. The Sox had a man on 1st and second and a line drive banged off the green monster, the first runner scored easily, but when the left fielder misplayed the ball the runner from first tried to score too. It looked like he was going to be out, but the catcher dropped the ball. The Sox took the lead and had a runner on third and two out. The next batter lifted a fly ball to deep center field for the final out and during the commercial Aunt Anne called everyone to the table for dinner.

Dinner was good, the girls were loud and accepted that Tatiana had her family to spend Easter with too. The girls were happy enough to talk about boys. Ericka was briefly asked about the police academy and broke the news to the family that this wasn't going to be her year to become a cop. At least there was some good news, the Sox won the game 2-1.

After dinner Shaun offered to give Ericka a ride. "I can take you home if you want, but afterwards I'm going out and get drunk off my ass and I'd love your company."

"I think I want to get drunk off my ass too, let's do this" Shaun drove them to a bar that he knew. It wasn't his normal cop bar, he had taken Ericka there before. This one was a little outside the city. But it looked like a cheap Irish dive. Ericka thought there were more gingers than not in the place. The place wasn't empty but they were able to get a table and the only other woman in the place came up to take their order. Shaun ordered a couple of pints of Guinness and Ericka added a couple of shots of Jaegermeister to the order.

"Jaeger?" Shaun asked after the waitress left.

"Yeah, I want to get drunk. Quickly. Guinness takes forever."

They sat in awkward silence for a moment until Shaun said, "I remember that dress now. I was trying to place it, but I remember now."

"What? This old thing?" Ericka was trying to play it coy, but she knew the dress was indeed pretty old and had no idea where Shaun had seen her in it.

"Yes! you wore it the night I took you to your junior prom. That was what? 4 years ago?"

"Fuck, I think your right- but that would have been 6 years ago. I was 17 then. No wonder I didn't remember it, back then it came down past my knees." Ericka smiled, she had some happy memories about that night. She had been distraught that she didn't have anyone to take to the dance. Her boyfriend had been an African-American classmate of hers but she knew that her father would refuse to let her date him so they kept themselves to after school fun. But it meant no one was taking her the dance. Her dad caught her crying and asked her about it. 2 days later Shaun asked her about school and her dance and asked if he could go with her so Ericka showed up at the dance with her 19 year date. Her girlfriends didn't believe it was a real date so she asked him to hold her ass while they danced. "I remember that night, I had a good night."

"I remember that night too." Shaun said, "You know your dad had my dad tell me to ask you out, right? It was certainly the first time when I felt I had all eyes on me all the times. The teachers an chaperones were watching me to make sure I didn't go too far. While the students, well, the guys want to be sure I wasn't eyeing up their girl and the girls, well let's just say a few of them were looking to steal me away from you."

"As if!" Ericka answered, "and tell me, how would you know that?"

"Well there was one time when you left to go to the bathroom and you left me on my own. I intended to sip some punch and listen to the band, but as I filled a cup from the punch bowl one of the senior girls came up to me and said told me to follow her to get some booze. I was 19, she had a nice ass and I liked booze so I followed her. Thought maybe I'd get her number. Well, we go over to the side and asked what I was doing there with you. I told her it was a first date and that I was a freshman at Boston College. And I swear she said to me, 'I may still be only a senior in High school, but I'm 18 and I can do what she can't' and she put her hand on my pants and started rubbing my cock."

Ericka gasped. "I had no idea. How long was I in the bathroom?"

"I don't know maybe 10 minutes? Maybe less. It happened pretty quick. The next thing I knew she unzipped my fly and was squatting in front of me with my cock in her mouth."

"No fucking way!"

"Yeah, we were off to the side and I was 19. I came down her throat in like 90 seconds."

"None of the teachers stopped you?"

"We were mostly in a dark place and my back was to everyone. I don't know if anyone noticed us or not, but it was pretty quick. Once I came she stood up and asked if I wanted to leave with her and go get high."

"Well I know you didn't do that, you took me home. Did you meet her afterwards?"

"No, after she asked me that I just pictured fucking her, getting her pregnant, dropping out of school and being stuck with a skank who would give a guy a blowjob before knowing three things about them. So I wanted to see if I was right and I put my hands on the sides of her strapless dress, she didn't object as I slipped it down pulling it to her waist freeing her tits but she didn't really have any hips so it just fell to the floor at her feet. I got a good feel of her tits. I played with them and in a very quiet voice told her, 'Look, I can obviously get a cheap slut to give me a blowjob whenever I want, but my Ericka is a special girl and I'm going to take her home and treat her right tonight.' Then I turned and left her there, standing in her pantyhose with her dress at her ankles. Then I went back to the punch bowl and a minute later you came out. You know the rest of the night. I never did get that drink she offered." Shaun called over the waitress and ordered another round.

"I'm a bit surprised. You could have told her your dad would kill you if you didn't take me home and arranged to meet her afterwards and fucked her. If the situation was reversed I would have."

"I wasn't like that. I'm still not like that." Shaun paused. "I was, and still am, a virgin you know."

"Fuck, no way." Ericka did not expect to hear that.

"Yeah, I decided back in high school that I was going to start being faithful to my future wife before I met her. And besides this way if sex with her sucked, I wouldn't know any better."

"So you never?"

"Never" He took a sip, "Well obviously I've done some things. I told you about that quick blow job at your dance, and there have been a few others blowjobs, one tittle fuck, but Tatiana and I, well we've been saving ourselves. A couple of good catholic kids. We hold hands, we kiss. Then I go home."

"Fuck." Erica was speechless for a moment and shook her head, "You know I'm not a virgin. Shit, I wasn't a virgin when you took me to that dance."

"Hey, you be you. No judgment here. But I'm old school that way."

"Is that why Tatiana said no?"

"She didn't say no. She said yes, but with one condition. I give up being a cop."

"Shit! That's the same thing as saying no. Isn't it?"

"I'm not sure it is. It's not that easy. I love her and I get her point of view. Her family came here in the early 80's and only became legal with the Regan amnesty. Since then more of their family have come and they aren't all legal. Imagine being a cop with family who are breaking the law just coming over for dinner. How is that going to work?"

"You're not ICE, you aren't going to deport them."

"Of course not. But the police and their community aren't on the best of terms. For them, when some guy threatens your daughter you don't call a cop you call your buddies and they put the fear of God into them. We cops call them gangs, but they start out as friends and families trying to protect each other. They typically turn to criminal behavior only after a while to make sure everyone has enough money to eat and pay rent. Once it starts down that path then it gets bad - and usually pretty quickly. But the honest truth is her family doesn't feel safe around a cop and while I'm fine with her immediate family, but I don't really feel safe in her neighborhood- especially when I'm in uniform. Hell the city would be a better place if they were able to trust us and we weren't so fucking scared of them."

It was time for another round.

Ericka listened to her cousin speak, "You know it's not like I don't know that there has been, there continues to be abuse. But people like to say there are good cops and bad cops, but fuck it. Cops are people and there are good cops who have bad moments. Or blind spots. A cop finds out his wife is cheating on him and takes it out on a driver he pulls over that looks like her lover. It's wrong. But it's human. What the fuck do we do? And where do we draw the fucking line? And how the fuck can I be sure I don't come close to crossing it?" Shaun was fighting back tears. Ericka put her hand over his. He looked at her, "You sure you want this life? Maybe not getting in the academy is a blessing."

Ericka ignored that last question and answered, "I believe in you cuz. I believe in you. And for things to get better BPD needs you on it. You need to talk to Tatiana and tell her what you told me and if she loves you she'll believe in you too. And it may be hard, but the two of you maybe the bridge her community needs. Or at least a piece of it."

It was nearing 10pm, the waitress came by and asked if they wanted anything else and if they could close out their check so she could go home. They ordered 2 more rounds and Shaun gave her a credit card.

Ericka asked Shaun, "So? Are you going to talk to Tatiana?"

Shaun picked up his phone. He typed the words, "Can we talk?" He didn't press send. "Why did she ask me to quit? Why does she get to even ask that?"

"She gets to asks because you love her and want to marry her so there are no secrets and she can ask or tell you anything. She does ask because she loves you and maybe she's afraid too. Hard questions should be a conversation starter, not a conversation ender."

Shaun deleted his un-sent message and retyped. He couldn't find the words.

"Look, if you two got married you would at some point face some tough situations and you'd face them together. This is no different."

Shaun looked at his phone. At the little circle with is beautiful Tatiana's face and an untyped line of text. "Anyone ever tell you that you get deep as fuck when you're drunk?"

"No, that's a new one, usually when I get drunk guys say things like 'No, I don't think your tits are too small' or 'Want to go back to my place?' Or the classic, 'Wanna fuck?'"

"Well I don't think your tits are too small, but I like Tatiana's better. And I don't want to fuck."

"Well I would certainly hope not. Gotta save yourself. But you have to talk with her."

"I know. But it's hard."

"Of course it is, life is hard. Marriage is hard. But Tatiana is worth it, yes?"

Shaun looked at the phone in his hand and typed, "Babe, I'm sorry. Can we talk?" He showed Ericka who nodded and he hit send. A moment later he saw three dots. They sat in silence a moment before the waitress returned with the drinks and his card. Shaun signed it with a nice tip before he looked at his phone. Tatiana had replied. Shaun read it the read it to Ericka, "yes please come over."

"Sit! You got to go. But hey, remember this cuz. You've had a day and she has had a day. You head isn't in the same place it was last night and hers might not be in the same place it was last night. Listen to her and talk with her. Go get your girl back."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"'Forsaking all others' remember. Go forsake me. I'll be okay after I get a bit more drunk. I'll catch an Uber later."

Shaun gave her a kiss on the forehead and left, leaving Ericka alone at their table with the last order of drinks and her thoughts. Now that she was alone and not talking she started drinking faster. Alone with her thoughts she was thinking about missing the cut. Of course it started with the test. She was hungover when she took it, she tried to think about which questions she might have gotten wrong. Her thoughts were spinning in a cycle like water going down a drain. She kept thinking about other times she's come up short. It seemed to her that she would never be quite good enough. She finished one of the beers before her and started on the second. Staring at her drink she wondered if that what was going to become of her life? Slowly becoming tepid and dull. She saw a bubble raise to the top and pop and thought that's what this day was another bubble that just slowly ended with out a sound. She didn't notice that someone had approached her until his shadow passed over the table. She looked up at the man who was standing next to her table.