Escape From Saigon

"At first, I wasn't sure that it was you, then I was frozen in shock. By the time I pulled myself together, you were gone."

"So, what made you come to the mall?"

"The woman at the desk heard you say that you were coming here. I got here as fast as I could, and have just been wandering around for the last hour, just hoping to run into you."

"Whew!" was all that I could say. "So, where do we go from here?"

Tran lowered her eyes.

"I was hoping we could go back to your place."

I hesitated just a moment before standing up. I took her by the hand and led her to my car, and drove to my apartment.

It was a silent ride, each of us alone with our own thoughts.

We just stood there for a moment gazing into each other's eyes, when I grabbed her and kissed her with a hunger that I wasn't even aware that I had.

Soon, we were tearing our clothes off and falling into bed, making love with all the pent-up passion from our years apart. It was at once so familiar, yet so different from before. When we were finished and lay beside each other, my thoughts were all jumbled. I knew I wanted Tran with my entire being, but I was also concerned about how we could, how we would deal with everything we, and especially she, had been through.

Tran moved in as soon as she could get out of her lease, and we tried to recover the magic that we had back in Saigon, and to a large degree, we were successful. There were some potholes in the road, however, that were keeping things a little off balance.

I finally suggested that we should get counseling.

"Why, Daniel?" Tran said. "Counseling is for people in trouble. We're in love, we'll work things out."

"Yes, Tran, we love each other, but sometimes love isn't enough. We've both been through a lot, and it's affecting us. I think we should deal with it before it gets worse, and maybe tears us apart."

Tran was still reluctant, but the thought that we might fall apart frightened her enough that she agreed.

Our first session with Dr. Green didn't go well. Neither of us was able to open up in front of the other. That's probably why we needed counseling!

"I think it would be better if I spoke to each of you separately," Dr. Green said. "Tran, would you mind stepping into the waiting room for a while? I'll call you back after I talk to Daniel."

Tran hesitated for a moment, but I gave her a hug and assured her that it would be fine.

As soon as the door closed, the doctor motioned for me to start.

"Well, Doctor, I feel like I have two major issues: I still feel my guilt over leaving Tran, especially after promising that I wouldn't let anything happen to her. That one isn't really that major. I know there was nothing I could have done, that if I stayed behind, things would have been worse for both of us. The more critical issue is her rape."

The Doctor's eyebrows went up at that one, and I told him about what happened to Tran in the refugee camp, and he nodded his understanding.

"Doctor, I know I'm being irrational, but occasionally feelings of resentment and jealousy bubble up when I think about her rape. Intellectually, I knew she did the right thing in submitting to the rape and avoiding injury, or worse. That doesn't stop me from laying some sort of "blame" on Tran, and sometimes those feelings bubble up to the surface, and I'll lash out at Tran over some other minor issue."

"I think it's helpful that you understand that these feelings are irrational," Dr. Green said. "That doesn't make them any less real, but it's a positive step that you recognize this. I wish that I could give you some magic pill or something that would make them go away, but it's not that simple."

I sank back in my seat. I suppose I knew that he would say that, but I was still hoping that there would be something.

"We'll continue to work on this, but in the meantime, I suggest that when you sense these feelings, you remove yourself from the situation, that you go to a quiet place and think about your love for Tran, and how damaging such feelings can be to that love.

"It may take a while, and you will get frustrated, but I can see the love you have for each other. You will get through this."

That gave me some renewed hope.

"I think we made some progress here, Daniel, why don't you send Tran in now."

I stood up and sent Tran in and took a seat in the waiting room, wondering just what she was going to say, and hoped that Dr. Green was right.

Tran needed more individual sessions than I did. I wouldn't find out why until we resumed joint sessions. It did seem that the individual counseling was helping us tremendously, almost to the point that I wondered if we needed to continue, but I decided it was best to stay on the path that was working.

After a few weeks, the doctor scheduled us for a joint session.

Dr. Green said, "Daniel, why don't you go first."

I told my story and when I got to the point about my feelings about her rape we almost had a set-back as Tran broke out in tears, and started to get up. I took her hand and stroked it as I smiled at her and assured her that those feelings were in the past. She gave a great sigh, sat back and took a sip of water.

"Tran, are you able to go on?" the Doctor asked, and Tran nodded.

"For me, the first thing is my guilt over leaving my parents behind. I know that they wanted me to be safe, and that their suffering would have been worse if I was sharing it. I'm beginning to come to terms with it, but it still saddens me."

I shifted my chair a little closer to hers and rubbed her back.

"It's okay, Tran, I'm sure it would give your parents great comfort to know that you are safe and loved."

She seemed to perk up a bit when I said that she was loved, then she took a deep breath and continued.

"In a way, I'm surprised that I was so upset at your feelings about my rape, because I actually share them. There's a part of me that still wishes that I had resisted, that I had fought back, even if it meant more physical pain. Maybe then I wouldn't have suffered so much mental anguish.

"I'm not there yet, but Dr. Green is helping me to understand that I made the best of a bad situation."

"Well," Dr. Green said, "I think we've all made some progress over the past few weeks. The most important thing is that your issues are now in the open, and you can talk about them rather than suppressing them and having them erupt in other areas.

"I think you should try to talk about these things on your own, as well in our sessions. I'll be happy to speak to either of you separately, though I don't feel that will be necessary."

With that, we took our leave of the doctor.

Neither of us felt like cooking, so we went out to dinner. Conversation was subdued, though we exchanged many smiles during the meal.

When we got home, we decided to make an early night of it, and went to bed, but before getting into bed Tran started unbuttoning my shirt, and I lifted her sweater over her head. Soon we were standing there naked, and I led her to the bed.

Thinking that the rapes might still be on her mind, I made an extra effort to make gentle love to her, but she was soon becoming the aggressor, and our love-making took on a new urgency.

As we were recovering, I had to ask, "What brought that on?"

"I knew you were trying to be gentle, to not remind me of the rape, but that's not what I needed. I needed my man to reclaim me, take me back from those monsters. We'll have a lifetime to make sweet love."

That was the first time either of us spoke about a permanent relationship, though I suppose both of us assumed that we would be together.

While I had told my parents I had met a woman while I was in Vietnam, I had never gone into detail beyond telling them that we had gotten separated during the evacuation. Now that she was back in my life, I was going to have to tell them all about her. The conversation went about as well as it could, given the circumstances.

"Mom, Dad, do you remember how I told you about my girlfriend in Vietnam?"

They both nodded.

"Well, I found . . . she found . . . we saw each other at the mall a few weeks ago, and we still have feelings for each other. It's been a little difficult, we've even been seeing a counselor, but, well, I'm going to ask her to marry me."

They both jumped up with big smiles, my father pumping my hand, my mother giving me a big hug.

"So, when are we going to meet . . ." my mother started.

"Tran, Tran Van Hoa," I replied. "I hoped that we could get together this weekend."

"Tran, Tran Van Hoa," my mother said a little sadly. "So she's not Jewish?"

I had to chuckle a little. "No, Mom, she's not Jewish, and it's just Tran Van Hoa."

"Well, if you like her, I'm sure she's very nice," my father said.

"Yes, Dad, she's very nice. I'm sure when you meet her you'll love her as I do."

Though they hid it well, I could see some doubt in their eyes. We would just have to deal with it, agreed that we would come to Sunday dinner and I left with a very special mission.

I went out and bought a ring, and when I went down on one knee, I never even got the words out before she was saying, "Yes," and covering my face with kisses.

I had one more difficult conversation coming, though I hoped it wouldn't be too bad.

"Tran, now that we're going to be married, I think you should meet my parents. They've invited us to dinner Sunday."

Tran started to tremble, and I put my arms around her to comfort her.

"Tran, don't worry. I don't think they've killed more than two or three of my old girlfriends."

Tran pulled back in shock, then seeing my big grin started slapping at my arms.

"You, you, you . . . jerk!" she yelled at me. "What are they going to think when they see I'm not American?"

"They already know. I told them. I think my mother was more concerned that you're not Jewish!"

Tran had a shocked look on her face and ran into the bedroom. It took me the rest of the evening to settle her down.

We continued seeing Dr. Green, but only occasionally. He became a good friend, but still was shocked and honored when Tran asked him to walk her down the aisle.

Dinner with my parents went surprisingly well. Tran's nervousness was quickly overcome by my parents' warm nature, and Tran quickly won them over with her charm. I could see the wheels turning in my mother's head at the prospect of grandchildren.

There were those, of course, both family and friends who objected to Tran, but they were swiftly excluded from our lives.

When our children were born, I insisted on naming them after Tran's parents, Khan for our son, and Tam for our daughter, and I think she cried happy tears all day.

When the US and Vietnam re-established diplomatic ties, Tran tried to locate her parents, but too much time had passed, we couldn't even determine if they were alive or dead. Tran built a shrine to them and still spends a few moments each day meditating in front of it.

We try to encourage our children to honor their Vietnamese heritage, but they are thoroughly Americanized. Khan goes by Ken and Tam calls herself Tammy, and they only use their Vietnamese names for official business. Tran sheds a tear or two over this, but is happy that they're living lives of freedom and prosperity.

We're approaching our fortieth anniversary, and have long since buried the ghosts of the past, and our love endures.