Eve & Lucy Ch. 05: Show Time

"Sweetheart, I don't really care what you want to call it: I'll take it. I'll take everything and anything you can give me, Carrie."

She doesn't tell me she loves me, but I wasn't lying. I don't need to hear it from her. She doesn't need to tell me. She shows me with everything she does.

I am falling so hard for her.

We talk about nothing and everything until past midnight. When we eventually decide it's time to hang up, it takes us fifteen minutes.

* * *

Carrie - Saturday am

Shit! She loves me! Why didn't I say it back?

Because... Well, do I?

I mean, I wasn't lying when I said I can't stop thinking about her. That I want to spend every minute with her. But can I give myself over to somebody like that? Is it fair to do that, to say I love her, when half of me will always have an eye on the others in my life? Well, Mum at least.

What does love look like?

I think of Gran and Grandad, Dave and Karen, Jeff and Lisa. But.... They're all old! What does love look like at our age? I can't offer Amanda the fun and excitement she should surely be having?

I fall asleep gnawing my nails.

* * *

"So, what did you think of Bex?" I ask. I'm genuinely curious to get her view. I respect Bex, but she's still a bit of a mystery to me, and can't help but view her through Mum's lens.

We are nearly at Amanda's flat after walking back up from Bedminster, where we went for a post-match meal with Georgie, Bex and their boys. It's been a lovely afternoon. Well, apart from the boys' boring banter. If it even qualifies as that.

"Oh, she was really nice. I mean, I didn't get to chat to her that much, but then my date kept distracting me!"

She kisses me as she tries to open the door to her building and completely misses the keyhole. So cute. Though I hope she has better coordination later!

"I wanted to ask her what her secret was: she looks so young!" Amanda continues. I presume she means Bex.

We walk up the stairs to her shared flat.

"Nah, that's not really it: it's just Mum looks much older. Being an alkie is not the best skin care regimen."

"Oh. I guess. Yeah, maybe I was comparing them, knowing they are the same age. It was pretty cool how they dealt with the boys teasing us though!"

Despite all four lads having lesbian mums, they were all massively immature about Amanda and I being there together, which got a bit tiring, for all that Bex bollocked them about it regularly, which I have to give her props for. It didn't work though. The only thing that got through to them was when Mum just grabbed Bex, kissed her in front of their boys, then asked them if they thought that was hot too. That shut them up!

Shut me up too. First time I've seen them being affectionate like that. I mean, I'm pleased for Mum.... but if it goes wrong it'll be so hard to pick up the pieces. Just thinking about it makes my skin itch.

"Hey!" Amanda calls, as she opens the door to the flat. "We're here." There's a strong smell of onions.

Lydia immediately rushes towards her, tears streaming down her face. "Hi!" She flings her arms around Amanda, rocking her back on her heels. Wait, I didn't think she was going to be here.

"Lids, what's wrong? Are you ok?" Amanda asks.

"She and Keith had a fight." Louise supplies, rubbing Lydia's back as she sniffs into Amanda's neck. "Hey Carrie!"

"Hey Louise. I'm so sorry to hear that Lydia. Is there anything we can do?"

"No." Lydia sniffs.

"Look, don't panic!" Louise shouts. Woah, over-reaction. Who's panicking? "I know you were meant to have Lydia's bed tonight Carrie but, look, Samantha's away, so if Sarah takes your bed Amanda, then you and Carrie can share the double bed." She smiles at me awkwardly. "Is that ok? I mean, we thought it would be less awkward for you two to share than Carrie and Sarah sharing..."

"Wait a minute," Amanda begins. She sniffs at Lydia, then pulls back, looks at her face, then detaches herself and peers into the kitchen. I step to the side to follow her gaze. Two freshly cut onion halves lie on a chopping board.

"Hang on," Amanda examines Louise and Lydia. "Is this like some elaborate plan to get Carrie and I to share a bed in the hope that it forces us to confront our feelings for one another?"

Louise is trying her best to look innocent. The penny drops. Oh, I guess Amanda hasn't updated them about our relationship. Strange, given what she said to me last night and how close she is to her flatmates. I feel suddenly uneasy.

"Girls! That's... That's.... Shit, I can't decide if that's wonderful or devious or both," Amanda shouts.

"I don't know what you mean..." begins Louise as Lydia starts giggling.

"Shut up, come here." Amanda grabs Louise and pulls her into a hug with Lydia. "Stupid pair. Like, as if I'd believe that Lydia and Keith would have a row. But I love that you tried, you know." She kisses them both on the side of the head.

"Aw, busted," Louise sighs.

"Well don't worry," Amanda says, disentangling herself, "You're, like, three days behind on the news." She grabs me, stands on tiptoes and snogs me. Hard. Woah! Okay!

Whoops and squeals break out behind us.

"About fucking time you two!" Louise yells as she hugs us both.

"Woah, invested much?" Amanda says. My face feels on fire.

"Sorry, I'm the only single girl around here. I have to live vicariously. Is that the right word?"

Lydia is on the phone. "Keith baby? Do you wanna come and pick me up?.... Nah, it's all good: turns out they were already together, so now we get to have make up sex! .... Cool baby, see you in 10. Love you! Mwah!"

She turns to us and almost shoves us down onto the sofa. "Sit! So happy for you two. Now, you've got 10 minutes, so tell us all about it!" She shivers. "Oh this is great! You two together and me getting to have make up nookie without even having to have an argument."

We all laugh and then spill the story. Though at the heart of me I still feel uneasy. Why didn't Amanda tell them before?

* * *

"Ah! A double bed! What bliss!" Amanda throws herself down on the double bed and then pats the space next to her for me to join her.

I shed my shoes and socks, then climb up. "What's up? Didn't you like sharing my single?"

"Oh, I loved it, but you've gotta admit it's not the best for sleeping."

"Fair enough." I give a yawn.

"Not that I intend to do much sleeping tonight."

"Really? Do you think they'd be ok with us having sex in their bed?"

"Good point, let me check." She pulls out her phone.

"What are you doing?"

"Messaging Samantha to ask if she minds us having sex in her bed. Sarah will be at work so probably won't answer. Ah there we go." She starts snorting as she reads, before doubling over with laughter. She passes me her phone:

Dear Amanda

Of course you may have sex in our bed. You and Carrie having sex was Louise's objective, so naturally Sarah and I agreed to that. I appreciate you checking however.

Please make use of any of the sex aids. Just be sure to clean any that you use with the antibacterial soap in the box and to dry them off properly.

I hope you both enjoy your sexual intercourse.

Best wishes

Samantha x

I can feel myself blushing.

"Er... sex aids?"

"Oh God, yeah. They've got loads. Under here somewhere." She starts rummaging under the bed, before pulling out a big box. "Remember that night you came round with flowers?"

"Yeah." I remember the hurt and regret too. Am I not just letting myself in for that again by falling for her?

"Well, Samantha was showing us these," tilting the box towards me and showing me an astounding array of sex toys, "when you knocked, which is why I didn't want to invite you in. I was trying not to hit on you if you recall, so I didn't think you seeing me surrounded by dildoes would have been a good look." She snigggers. "It's also why the others were laughing so much."

She must see something in my face, as she crawls over to me, kisses me and then hugs me to her. "I'm sorry. I felt shitty leaving you on the landing like that. It was so hard, you know? I'm so glad we don't have to be like that now."

We hold each other for a while.

"So," I say eventually, "do you want to use any of those?"

She looks at me. "Do you?"

"I don't know. I want to make you feel good. If using one of those will make you feel good..." I leave the sentence hanging.

"You do make me feel good. No, good is completely inadequate here. You make me feel amazing, adored, over the moon, ecstatic, totally fulfilled, blow away-"

I stop her with a kiss. "Okay, okay, I don't need you to stroke my ego."

"But it's true Carrie! I mean, I've had fun with boyfriends before but, like, it's never been so quick, so intense, so loving as with you. How about you?"

Fuck. "Mmmm. Well, I've never been with a guy as you know. You're only the third girl I've slept with. And, yeah, it's special."

"Yeah, it really is, isn't it?" She takes my head gently in her hands and kisses me.

Time seems to slow. Just hands and lips and tongues and remembering to breathe.

"Did you use toys with any of the others?"

"No." God this is making me uncomfortable. "We weren't even that serious." Shit, is she expecting us to become like her flatmates? Well, I suppose that's her model.

"Would you like to?"

"Mmmm, not really. I mean, everything you said about how I make you feel, is equally true the other way around Amanda. Just you. That's all I need."

"I know babe. Me too." She leans into a long kiss. The movement of her tongue against mine reminds me of other uses she's put it to recently. Talk of toys was a turn off, but this isn't.

Eventually, she climbs off the bed and strips off her top. My heart accelerates.

"I mean," she continues, "after my nightmare with Lucy I'd quite happily never have anything other than your tongue and fingers inside me again." She drops her skirt and steps out of her underwear. Shit, I'm in trouble.

Then she stoops to the box and pulls out some kind of wand and an extension chord.

"This, however, might be fun to try, don't you think?"

Amanda - Sunday morning

It's a delight to wake in Carrie's arms again. Double bed or not, it seems that in sleep we will always close any distance between us. Her bare skin is hot on mine, and I can feel the sweat building beneath my breasts where they press against her rib cage, but I don't care.

I don't know why we spent the last couple of nights apart.

Eventually, after much kissing and stroking, thirst drives us from the bed to the kitchen.

"Morning, Sarah!"

"Hmpfh!" She's got a mouthful of cereal and doesn't look up. Strange.

"Hey Sarah!" Carrie adds. "Thanks for letting us use your room."

She gives a half-hearted little wave.

I drop Carrie's hand as we step up into the kitchen. "Tea?"

"Please. Actually, I'm just going to the bathroom." She kisses me and goes.

"Do you want anything Sarah?" I call as I fill up the kettle.

"No, thanks. I'm good."

There's something off here.

"Like, thanks so much for letting us have your room. I hope you slept ok, you know?"

I stick the kettle on and drop tea bags into two mugs.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was fine, no worries. Er, is it ok if I get something from there now?"

"Like, of course. I'll change the sheets, like, later."

"Oh don't worry, it's not a problem." She's blushing. She squeezes into the kitchen to stick her bowl in the dishwasher. This is really out of character for her. Is it Carrie? Oh God, is she uncomfortable that we had sex in her bed?

"Look, like, Sarah, shit, I'm sorry, I know Samantha said it was ok, but I guess it wasn't. I feel really bad now that we had, you know, sex in your bed. I'm so sorry, that was thoughtless."

"No, no, that's not..." she sighs and slumps. She still can't look at me. "Last night I came home and was in the bathroom after work and, well, shit, I realised just how well sound carries from our room into there and..." she blushes again.

"Oh babe!" I wrap her in a hug. "Sweetie, like, never be embarrassed about the amazing love you and Samantha share." I try not to laugh.

"But you've all heard." She sounds so small. Okay, I get why she is embarrassed: I guess she's never heard what we hear before!

"And? Let me tell you something girl. Like, I swear, if you and Samantha hadn't subjected me to 15 months of pure, high-grade, lesbian aural pornography I would have never been curious enough to try it on with Carrie. And, like, I am so glad I did! I swear, I've got you two to thank for that."

"Er, thanks. I think?"

"I mean, you made Keith up his game too! Now, we just need to work on Louise."

"Why do you need to work on me?" Louise asks, coming round the corner from the corridor to her room. "But, forget that. Have you looked at your phone?"

"Er, no."

The kettle boils and I fill two mugs. "Cuppa?"

"Please. But I'll do it. Go grab your phone. It's going off!"

"What is?"

"Your videos babe!"

I run in to grab mine and Carrie's phones. Sarah follows to get her own things, and I leave her to it.

"Oh my God!" Louise yells. "Carrie, Joe Locke shared your video!"

"Who?" Carrie's out of the bathroom now.

"Seriously?" I say. "He's one of the actors in Heartstopper."

"Oh, cool."

"Yeah that's huge!"

"Woah, and Kit Connor. And Darcy Olsson. And Emily Atack."

"Where are you seeing this?"

"I'm just following links from the Guardian article." She shows us.

I check. "Fuck, my video has been viewed over two hundred thousand times! I mean, that's just on Youtube." My head is spinning. This is nuts.

"You've gone viral babe."

Louise closes her hand over my screen. "Amanda. Look at me."

I do.

"Do not read the comments. Please. Promise me you won't."

I gulp. I can just imagine what they say. I nod. Shit, why didn't they disable comments? "Yeah, good call."

"Holy fuck!" Carrie yells. She looks at me blank faced, pale. "Keanu Reeves shared them. He added Real men don't rape."

The room spins. I slump on the sofa.

I feel Carrie's arms around me and hear screams from Sarah and Louise. I can't believe it. I mean, that's everything.

My phone starts ringing. Suzy. Then Baz and Dave and Chen. Haile and Keke. Friends from college and my course. Carrie grabs me to speak to Georgie and Gran. It's non-stop.

All the while Louise and Sarah chip in with news of other public figures who have shared the videos or praised them.

Eventually, Carrie pries my phone from my grasp. She turns it to silent.

"Come on. You need to eat something."

So, it's not until much later, when Carrie passes me her phone, that I realise quite how much those videos are going to change my life.

"Um, it's Melissa, she's been trying to call." I take her phone.

"Hi Mel."

"Fucking hell girl! I'm so stoked for you. Listen, you need to stay off social media for a bit, ok?"

"Yeah. Don't worry, like, my friends have all been telling me."

"Good, good. Listen, the press office at the Ministry has been trying to call you but you're not picking up..."

"Sorry. Carrie made me put my phone on silent."

"Sensible. Anyway, they called me, I tried you, no fucking joy, so I got Carrie's number off Kate. Look, you need to call them back. They want you on BBC Breakfast tomorrow with the Minister for a live interview. The Guardian also wants to talk to you for a follow up article."

"Oh fuck! Shit, shit, shit... I'm not... I can't..." I'm freaking out here.

"Yes, you fucking can Amanda. Seriously girl, I know I don't know you well, but I've seen the steel in you. I've messaged you the number. Call them. They'll pay your travel to Salford and put you up in a hotel overnight. Get them to let you take Carrie with you."

* * *

I barely sleep that night. The blandness of the travel lodge the Ministry Press Officer has booked for us brings back unpleasant memories of Lucy's AirBnB. Carrie just holds me, but my mind is ablaze, a whirr.

She's been brilliant and supportive. Georgie drove down with a bag of clothes for her, then took us to Temple Meads to get the train. She must have held my hand practically the whole time. I tried reading but I couldn't concentrate, the likely questions I'll be asked going round and round in my head. I desperately don't want to give the trolls a bigger stick to hit me with.

I spoke to a Guardian reporter once we got here, which was surreal. They hadn't mentioned The Creation of the World in Saturday's piece, but as this was more of a profile of me, they said they would. They even planned to use the publicity poster of Carrie and me. Keke promised me he'd get Clara to send them the photo. I'm thrilled for her: that will be a great credit to have on her CV.

I called my Mum too, hoping that the fact I was going to be on the BBC and in the Guardian might make her view the whole project more favourably, but she was terse and grumpy, more concerned with what colleagues might say to her in the staffroom than congratulatory.

So, it's no wonder I lay awake last night, too on edge for sex, too tense for sleep. Then the alarm went off at 5:30 - the interview is at 7.10 - and we're getting ready.

In no time at all, or so it seems, we're in a taxi, then meeting Pete the assistant producer, being talked through what's going to happen. When they realise that Carrie was also an actress in one of the videos, there's a brief consultation, then they decide to mic her up too and invite her on.

I'm slightly disappointed but also incredibly relieved that the Minister isn't here in person, but joining the interview via live link up. I guess he is too important to drag in for a 5 minute chat, but kind of irks me that we weren't offered the chance to do the same.

I don't really get a chance to hear what the Minster has to say, as it's during the chat with him that Carrie and me are shepherded silently on set, seated on the sofa opposite the presenters.

"Thank you Minister. Now, we're joined here in the studio by two of the actresses involved in the "This is what Rape looks like" campaign, Carrie Huntley and Amanda Richards. Thank you both for being here. Now, Carrie, how did you come to be involved in this project?"

Carrie seems slightly surprised to be asked, but she reacts quickly. "Well, it was Amanda's project really. She not only acted in one, but was the writer and director of all three. We're currently rehearsing a play together, so it was simple enough for her to reach out to me."

"Amanda, you directed as well? How did you get involved?"

Gulp! My turn. Right, let's try to sound professional. "Yes I did. Well, I was fortunate enough to meet one of the project leaders of the pilot programme the Minister was talking about. She explained what the project was hoping to achieve and I proposed these videos as a way of raising awareness."

"Well, it has certainly done that. Over 3 million views over several platforms in less than 48 hours. How does that make you both feel?"

Carrie looks at me, willing me to take the lead.

"Just flabbergasted really." God, where did that word come from? "Stunned. I can't really believe I'm here. All of us involved are just so grateful to those who have shared the videos with their followers. It's so important to get this message out there."

"But how prevalent is this? Is it not just scaremongering?"

It's like Carrie can feel the anger rising in me, and jumps in to answer. "I think numbers are irrelevant here. If it spares just one person this experience, then it's worth it."

"Ok, but are you not concerned that some men will see this as attacking them?"

What is it with this aggressive line of questioning?

"Okay," I answer, "let's not forget that three wonderful young men were involved in the filming of these videos: their support and compassion was invaluable. Suzy - that's the third actress - Carrie and I all felt completely comfortable filming these intimate scenes with them." A massive papering-over of how traumatic recording those scenes was, but that's not the point here. "And then there are all the wonderful men who have shared them like Joe Locke and Keanu Reeves. Most men are smart enough to know that they are not being attacked here."