Everybody Except Me

"And you," I continued, shifting my gaze to Robbie, "would be lying there bleeding, wishing you were dead."

"How could the person who was supposed to love me above all others do this to me? Cheat on me repeatedly and secretly have another man's baby? Continue to fuck her lover for the next 18 years. Yeah, I now know all about that, too. Shit, you did this practically in front of my kids."

All three of them recoiled at my use of the F-bomb directly at them. Carrie looked like she wanted to respond, then apparently thought better of it. I just got it.

"Oh shit!" I whispered. "You two have fucked each other since they've been here! How many times? Once? Twice? Every damn day?"

She dropped her head and didn't answer. I looked at Jorge, then at Robbie.

"Only twice that I know of," Robbie finally answered.

"Damn, woman!" I murmured. "Tell me not in our bed?"

Carrie never raised her eyes from the floor. Shit!

"I get it now, Carrie. I'm slow, so it took me a while. You might love me... might... but you're in love with him. He's number one. I'm number two, the same way Robbie is to Jorge. Tell me I'm wrong."

There might as well have been crickets chirping.

I finished the glass of wine I was drinking and poured myself another. I offered to pour more for the three others in the room, but all declined silently.

"I do love you, Josh. I never took anything from you. I never left you for him. We only got together when you weren't available," Carrie said to finally break the silence.

"That's rich, babe. You took trust, fidelity and commitment from me," I said. "I also don't remember our vows giving either of us a hall pass if our spouses 'weren't available,' which 19 years ago means I was a lieutenant taking fire and sweating my ass off in the Mideast. While I was losing a couple of friends, you were sunning yourself in the south of Spain when you weren't in bed fucking these two, getting pregnant by him and then having his baby.

"We don't even need to talk about all the other times you two got together. At least at some point you realized that you should be less obvious in front of our kids and started sleeping with him away from our house or their house... except for this week again, apparently."

The three other people in the room sat quietly, mostly interested in something on the floor.

"Miracle of miracles, though, you had a spare son hanging around to help Troy," I continued sarcastically. "I'm sure outing yourself was the absolute last thing you wanted to do, so I at least appreciate that. Finally, an act of selflessness from the ultimate selfish woman."

The sobbing in the room was coming from Robbie. Jorge looked guilty. Carrie's look vacillated between guilt and fear, with a little anger thrown in when I called her selfish.

"So now where do we go, Josh? I don't want a divorce..." Carrie started.

"Because I promised your first son... and I don't break my promises, or my vows, you've got four years before I divorce you. That happens when Troy leaves for college, but it won't be talked about in front of him," I said.

"You will, however, be the one to tell him about Sergio being his half-brother, and that needs to happen soon. I'm going to be in the room when you tell him, making sure you tell him the sad tale of a woman who cheated on her husband, rather than the loving tale of a woman having a great romance. I have no doubt he'll actually be rather thrilled to have Sergio for a brother, since they are already that close. I know AJ was pretty pleased with that, once she got over the mad she felt at your... poor treatment of me."

"She knows the whole story?" Carrie asked in a strangled voice. "What exactly did you tell her?"

"Ahh... now I get a rise out of her," I chuckled mirthlessly. "I didn't tell her anything. She is a smart kid, and through the years she was able to figure it out, although I know there are some holes in her knowledge that you should probably fill in. She didn't necessarily know things... but she sort of knew things, you understand what I'm saying? But because she wasn't totally sure of things, and because of the lies you told her, she never came to me and gave you up. She only told me what she knew and what she suspected when I asked her directly. She felt very guilty for not coming to me.

"Our son, on the other hand, is still totally clueless... the blissful ignorance of youth and the trust he has in his parents.

"And of course, you know that Sergio has known about you two making me a cuckold for the past several years now. I'd seen a funny look in his eyes several times over the past few years and wondered about it. Now I know it was a look of pity. That's perfect, when a teenager gives you a look of pity because he knows his father, and your wife, is making a mockery of your marriage.

"Everybody got something out of this deal except for me. I just got fucked."

"That's not true, Josh. I love you," she cried. "I've been a good wife and mother. If this kidney thing hadn't come up, you'd still be happy and clueless. Why can't we at least go back to the happy part. I've never denied you sex..."

"So you're saying I should be happy being your number two option, just because I didn't know what was going on? I should always have been your number one, and there shouldn't have been any other number. Please tell me, though, was I ever your number one?" I asked.

She colored again. She stuttered.

"In the beginning. When we were first married. Before I moved in with Robbie and Jorge," she said.

"So you're saying there was a time when we made love that you weren't thinking of Jorge or giving me a pity fuck? How could you have given me two kids if you were in love with another man?"

"I-I felt you deserved to have children of your own. I do love you, remember?" she said.

"Right. Right. How could I forget that? Hmm," I said. "At least by your actions, I can assume you love our children as much as you love your child with him."

She grimaced at me, then looked at Robbie and Jorge. If she was looking for verbal support, none came.

"We should be doing this in private, not dragging Robbie and Jorge into our problem," Carrie said disdainfully.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Robbie and Jorge started the problem!" I yelled.

All three of them blanched at my outburst. They all seemed a little edgy.

"Okay, you all know I made a promise to Sergio, and I intend to keep it. But I want to extract a promise from you, Carrie. I want you to at least be faithful to me until Troy leaves for college. That means no more trips to Spain without me, and no more Santiago visits when I'm doing my two weeks of reserve duty. Faithful means faithful. You break that promise, I break my promise to Sergio and file for divorce immediately. Understand?"

Robbie smiled while Carrie and Jorge sat gape-mouth and speechless. I appreciated that Robbie apparently got it, or else it just could have been that the promise would have helped her as well. The two lovers looked hard at each other for about a minute before Carrie quietly answered in the affirmative while also giving a small nod of her head.

"That's better. More wine, anyone?" I queried.

I moved into the master bedroom suite in the basement guest room after the Santiagos went back to Spain. Carrie and I had been sleeping together in our bed while the Santiagos were with us, but we hadn't engaged in sex since we found out Troy was sick. That worked out well for me after I found out about my wife and Jorge.

"Don't be a child, Josh. We've had sex how many times over the years since I'd been sleeping with Jorge and you didn't know it," she snarked at me.

"That's exactly it, Carrie," I growled back. "I didn't know. Now that I know you've been sharing with another man, I don't quite have the same feelings."

Carrie looked like she'd been sucking on a bag of lemons.

"You men and your fragile egos. I'll be upstairs waiting when you finally grow your balls back," she said.

I got the feeling she had no idea how this was going to go.

Modern medicine is amazing. Six months after the surgery, Troy was back to being his old self, wisecracking and acting like a typical high school student. Yes, he was always going to have to take medicine to fight transplant rejection, and he couldn't play tackle football, but in almost every other way he had his life back. I felt it was time for him to learn the truth about his relationship to Sergio.

Carrie and I had been going back and forth on this for several days. She was in favor of just letting things float along as they had been, hoping that Troy would just figure things out for himself eventually. Seriously, that's actually what she said to me.

"Nice try, babe, but you owe him a full explanation, just like I told you a few months ago. And let's have a full family meeting so AJ can hear everything straight from her mother's mouth, too," I said.

She sighed loudly, but finally nodded in agreement.

Troy had turned 15 a couple of months back, and I have to admit, I didn't always understand what was going on in his head. I had to laugh at that, because I remembered back to when I was 15, and I didn't always understand what was going on in my father's head, either. I knew this conversation might not go easy. I hoped Carrie understood that as well.

Watching from my La-Z-Boy, it looked like Troy took the news of his being Sergio's half-brother really well, which I figured he would because he already loves Sergio like a brother. The "how" part, however, was a tougher sell.

"Wait. You 'had sex' with Uncle Jorge? You mean you 'effed him' as the kids would say? But you were married to Dad then, weren't you? That makes you what the kids would call a slut, a tramp!" he shouted.

"Don't you dare call..." Carrie started to yell back at our son, until I grabbed her arm and gave it a squeeze, causing her to quickly shut her mouth.

She fell silent and sat there shamefaced. The silence in the room lingered for several seconds.

"Yes, I guess the correct term would be slut," I said, "but that's not your concern. It's mine. I didn't find out about this until you got sick. Your mother called the Santiagos and asked Sergio to get tested, hoping he would be a match for a kidney transplant. She basically threw herself under the bus trying to save you, so the least you can do is show some appreciation and restraint."

Troy dropped his head when I chastised him. He was confused and hurt. I completely understood that.

"If anyone should be upset, it's me... and trust me, I am. But this is a problem for your mother and me to figure out. We will get through this, some way. I'm not leaving you guys. I have no intention of doing that. That's why I moved into the basement," I said.

I could see that AJ wanted to interject at this point. I gave her a small headshake and she leaned back into the sofa upon which she was sitting. I glanced quickly at Carrie, who was sitting next to her and looking like the roof of our house was about to collapse on her.

AJ left for Central Michigan University a few months later. Troy asked if he could go with her. I know it seemed like he was making a joke, but when I looked at his face, I could tell he was dead serious.

Carrie and I were at least civil toward each other in the house with our son. We did all the usual parent things like attending his school events. I thought we were fairly believable as a loving couple during those times, although I could see the strain our pretending was having on my wife. I didn't care. I was going to live my life and enjoy being my son's father.

Also putting a strain on my wife was our living apart at home. There was no touching, no loving phrases, no little jokes... and certainly no intimacy. She couldn't just roll over and get things started in bed at night because I wasn't there for her... literally.

That last part wasn't easy on me either, but her infidelity had dulled my libido somewhat. Every time I started feeling a little randy, I just thought of Carrie fucking Jorge for the last 20 years and my anger would replace my arousal. Of course, that's not to say that I didn't also grow more muscles in my right wrist from jacking off.

"Uh... Josh... can't we at least get back to being us... physically. I mean we always had a pretty good sex life. I never denied you anything, you know. Can't we at least go back to that? I know you're human, and you must have needs," Carrie pleaded with me one evening about three months later when Troy was out with some friends.

I looked her up and down. She was still a beautiful woman with a good body. This literally would be just sex, because I no longer was in love with her. Although I still loved her, that was gradually fading. This would be fucking, pure and simple, definitely not lovemaking. I would take my pleasure and she could take hers. I didn't plan on working for her benefit.

"I suppose so, but you'll have to go down to my room. Knowing what I know now, you violated our marital bed a lot over the years... and there's just no way I'm doing you in that bed ever again," I rasped.

"Yeah, okay, I get it. I'll come to you in a few minutes. I just need to straighten up a little," she said.

Carrie's straightening up included her putting on a little makeup and perfume, quickly doing her hair nicer and putting on my favorite lacy teddy under the robe she wore. After she entered my room, she removed the robe and gave me a twirl. I had to quickly picture her with Jorge to keep my excitement under control.

I figured I would need to warm her up some since neither one of us was a kid anymore, but when I reached down to her pussy, I found she was probably wet enough for me to get the deed done. I considered just plunging straight in, but I decided to stick with my plan and I rubbed and played with her pussy enough for her to get off hard twice.

I waited until she was finished coming the second time before I impaled my rock-hard cock in her steamy, wet depth. I almost moaned but I caught myself. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. Instead, I just quietly pumped her hard, much harder than usual. She seemed to really like that from a physical standpoint, because she came again after just five minutes. She whimpered and moaned leading up to her climax, which came with a side order of shrieking and crying. I slowed a bit while she finished her orgasm, then immediately went back to slamming into her, eliciting a steady stream of small grunts until I finally released a large load into her.

Once finished, I rolled off Carrie and lay on my back just enjoying my personal afterglow. Once upon a time, I would have enjoyed our afterglow with Carrie in my arms. I really regretted that those days were gone forever.

When I heard Carrie sniffling next to me, I realized she probably figured out what I was thinking. I resisted the temptation to take her in my arms and soothe her. A few minutes later, she got up, put her teddy and robe back on and quietly went back upstairs. There was no discussion, no pillow talk; only silence. I heard the shower running in the master bath upstairs when I went upstairs to watch TV in the family room.

I was sitting in gym shorts and a T-shirt when Troy got home. I could tell something was eating at him.

"Dad, it's been months since you've taken Mom out to a restaurant or club or anywhere for that matter," he said. "Are you ever going to forgive her and get back to being a real couple again?"

Moment of truth, I guess. I examined what was in my heart and head for a bit before I answered. He waited patiently while I figured out how to phrase my answer.

"Troy, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her enough to go back to what we had... or what I thought we had. It was all a sham. It was a lie. Your mother is in love with Uncle Jorge. I am just her back-up plan. Now that I am cognizant of that fact, how can I go back to that? Football teams have back-up quarterbacks; marriages don't have back-up husbands," I said.

"I'm sorry, son, but what we've got now might be the best of what's left."

Troy looked stricken, but I think he understood. He walked off to his bedroom.

Carrie caught on as well. Every few weeks, she would ask for some personal time, which became code for sex. I figured the rest of the time she was pleasuring herself the same as I was. I suppose she could have been sneaking out and having sex with someone else, but she knew that if she got caught everything that happened afterward would be completely on her.

I don't know if Carrie felt the significance of Troy's graduation as much as I did. At one time I probably would have, but I had long since given up on worrying about what she did and what she cared about. I no longer loved her. I still cared for her... we had all that history together and we shared two great kids, but her longtime deception had dulled my feelings down to the nub. I had always thought that hatred was the polar opposite of love. I found out first-hand that indifference is the opposite of love. Who knew?

I remember heading off to college with 10 days' worth of clothing, 14 pairs of underwear and a stereo. Troy headed off to the University of Oregon with 14 days' worth of clothing, 14 pair of underwear, an iPad, a laptop computer, a cellphone, ear buds and two boxes of other "stuff." Yes, things had certainly changed.

Troy was really pumped and chattered for almost the entire two-day drive. Hell, it was virtually a 16-hour monologue. I don't think Carrie got more than two words in edgewise, and I didn't say much more. I don't think Troy even had a clue that he was virtually the only one who talked for two days.

With Troy left back in Eugene, the car ride home was unbelievably quiet. I drove about 12 of the 16 hours. Carrie was the main navigator, which also meant she was responsible for most of the music. If I ever hear another Michael Bolton ballad again in my lifetime, well...

I knew Carrie was feeling incredibly melancholy now that both kids were basically out of the house. You have to remember, I said Carrie was a good mother, and I knew she loved the kids way more than she cared for me. I may not have been her favorite man, but AJ and Troy were both on her favorite kid list. I could tell by how glum she was she wasn't looking at the big picture.

I thought it would feel better than it did when Carrie was served right after we pulled into our driveway at home. She took the envelope as if it was radioactive, burst into tears and ran into the house. I felt... small.

When I set up my plans for after the trip, I was working on pure revenge. In hindsight, I could see that was just plain petty. I knew I needed to get help.

I also knew that we were done as a married couple from the first moment I found out about her infidelity. I was keeping my promise to Sergio. I told him I would stay with Carrie until Troy went off to college. I gave her two extra days.

I was down in my room when I heard her knock on the door. The door was unlocked, so I told her to come in.

"Do you hate me that much now, Josh?" she asked softly. "Have I destroyed everything?"

"Yes, you have destroyed everything, but I don't hate you, Carrie. I just don't give a shit about you anymore," I said.

"But we did have something good for a lot of years, before you found out," she asserted.

"Did we? For me, it was all a lie after you went to stay with Robbie and Jorge the first time. You no longer loved me only, as you had promised. No longer gave your body to me alone, as you had promised. You had a child with another man.

"Why couldn't you just be honest with me after you fell in love with Jorge? Why couldn't you just have divorced me? You stayed with me and gave me two wonderful children, but you deceived me for 18 years. You stole 18 years that I could have been looking for a woman with whom to share my life, not spending those 18 years being the second choice of a selfish woman.