Everyday I'm Shuffling: Book 2 Ch. 04

*Author's note*

I've gotten feedback that the story is too wordy. I can eliminate details that are not important to the storyline. Can you please comment if there is a side character story or plot that is boring or you do not care about? I imagined doing stories about other characters, but I can keep their stories to a minimum on Lily's story if it is dragging. Thank you for reading and your feedback!

🎼Restart

The ringing of my phone woke me up Sunday morning. I was not as hungover as I was the night before, but I was still exhausted. All the walking at the fair, fatty foods, and drinking at the bar wore me out. I groaned as I reached to grab my phone. I answered when I saw it was Jenna.

"Hey Lily, I'm sorry to bother you so early. Can you do me a huge favor?" She asked once I answered, groggily.

"Sure." I croaked, before clearing my throat. "What do you need?"

"The recipe for the hashbrown dish your aunt made. I'm making brunch today." Jenna explained.

"Do you want some help?" I offered, brunch being not only a great hangover food, but the perfect motivator to get me out of bed.

"I would love some help!" She said, cheerfully.

"Ok. Give me 30 minutes." I said, getting up. I was barely out of bed when there was a knock on my door.

"Come in." I called.

I was surprised to see Corey standing in the doorway. I threw the covers back over my bare legs. I came home with the energy to just peel off my cardigan and jeans. I slept in my bodysuit.

"Sorry..." Corey looked away. "I thought I heard you up. I have to work today, and Sammy sleeps hard."

"No problem. I'll be there in a second." I said, calmly. It really wasn't a big deal. He wasn't trying to catch me off-guard. I knew he spent the night, I should have asked who was at the door instead of assuming.

When he left, I got up and slid on a pair of basketball shorts. I went down the stairs to let him out. I found him in the den, looking over the drum set.

"Who plays the drums?" He asked.

"No one yet. My friend's son likes playing on them." I explained.

"How old?"

"7."

"That's a good age." He nodded.

"Justin Bieber started at 2." I commented.

He snorted. "Sure. I started at 9."

"You play?" I said, excitedly.

He gave me a little demonstration. He played. He played amazingly.

"Do you give lessons?" I asked.

"No, but I could." He said.

"Ok. I'll get back to you on that." I said before letting him out. After showering and changing, I went to my brother and Jenna's apartment.

"Lily! Come in." Jenna smiled, moving over to let me in.

"Good morning. Thanks for having me."

"Thank you for coming!" She said.

I pulled up the recipe and we went into the kitchen. She told me Cam went for a run. I asked her about the menu for the day.

"I have sliced ham, french toast, ambrosia salad, then the quiche." Jenna informed me. "And...." She stared, pulling out a bottle of Prosecco. "Bellinis. Is it too early to start drinking?"

"Nope, it's brunch," I said, while she opened the bottle.

Drinks in hand, we started cooking.

"So how are things?" She asked me.

"Uhhh..." I said, dumbly. I couldn't decide if I wanted to lie or tell the truth. "It varies." I said, honestly.

"Sounds about right." She nodded.

"Yeah? Because I feel like a crazy person." I admitted.

"I think conflicting emotions are realistic. You still care about the person, but if the relationship was broken beyond repair you shouldn't stay with them." She said.

"I guess it was. At least, for me it was." I agreed.

"Not for him?" She asked, confused.

"He said he could fix it, but I didn't trust myself not to fall back into the same mistakes." I clarified, without going into too many details.

"Why don't you trust yourself?" She asked me.

"Because I keep falling for guys who are not... good to me." I said. "I put up with whatever they're willing to offer. I see that now, I just don't know why or how to change it."

"I very much believe we attract what we think we deserve. How we see ourselves plays a big part in that." Jenna told me.

"Are you shrinking me?" I scoffed. I should have known I couldn't have a normal conversation with a therapist. "I only wanna talk, not get my head shrunk."

"I'm not. If I was 'shrinking' you, I would ask you about your mom. The same-sex parent is a major role model and influences what you think about yourself. Or we could get into your dad, he's the one who taught you how a man should treat a woman." Jenna recited like she was reading the instructions on a recipe instead of ripping my heart apart. Each statement brought tears to my eyes but I was too stubborn to let them fall. "But I'm not your therapist. I consider you family-"

"You're not my family." I corrected her, sharply. Yes, defensive and petty, but I no longer wanted to have this conversation.

"I know. That doesn't change how I feel about you. I'm talking to you like I would talk to one of my sisters. You have too much going for yourself to think you deserve anything less-"

"Jenna, Did yo- Oh, hey sis." Cam cut in as he entered the kitchen. He saw me and paused for a moment, reading my face and I'm sure feeling the tension in the room.

"Hey bro." I said, forcing a smile before finishing my drink.

"Hey, what's going on?" He asked looking at me and Jenna. Jenna said nothing, only glanced over at me.

"Nothing. Just cooking brunch." I said.

Cam gave Jenna a look. "I'll help."

We finished cooking and ate together. I chatted about the fair, Fort Worth, work, Trevor, anything to keep my thoughts happy and pleasant. I wanted to drink, but I planned to drive home as soon as we finished eating. I did just that, telling my brother I had plans. I gave him a hug and left.

When I got home, I grabbed my phone and went to bed. I checked my message; I had a few from my friends but I skipped to the one Blake sent me.

Blake: Gonna come over and watch the game?

I texted him back.

Me:No. Think I'm still hungover. I'm gonna hang in bed.

Blake: Listen to this while you do.

He sent me a link to a country playlist. I put it on, but it wasn't enough to drive out Jenna's words replaying in my head. I sent a text to Rocky.

Me: Can you come over?

Rocky: Sure, is everything ok?

Me: No, It's been almost a month since breaking up with Jake and I don't feel any better than the day it happened.

Rocky: On my way.

Not even 20 minutes later, Rocky arrived and I let her in.

"How have you been feeling about the breakup?" She asked.

"Name it and I've felt it." I answered truthfully.

"Ok. How do you feel right now?"

"Tired and guilty. Jenna invited me over and tried to give me advice. I was a bitch to her. I feel like I shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning." I admitted.

Rocky shrugged. "Then go back to bed. C'mon. "

She led me upstairs to my room. I laid down and she sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard. She looked at my phone in distaste.

"What are you listening to?" She asked. Blake's playlist was still on.

I shrugged. "Just some new music."

"No wonder you don't wanna get out of bed. Depressing ass country music."

"Shut up. It's not all depressing." I said, smiling, as I turned it off.

"What happened with Jenna?" Rocky asked.

"Basically, she said that I sabotage myself because of how fucked up I am thanks to my parents." I started. Rocky nodded, understandingly. "I told her she wasn't family or my psychologist, so fuck off."

Rocky's eyes widened. "Please tell me you did not say that..."

"I said it nicer than that... but the same message."

Rocky shook her head. "Was Cam there?"

"No, but he knew something was up. I suspect as soon as she tells him he's not gonna be happy with me."

"Talk about an understatement. So she told you about yourself and you got mad?" Rocky summed it up nicely.

I glared at her.

"Don't look at me like that. On some level you know she's right. If it wasn't true, I don't think you would have gotten so defensive." Rocky said.

I sighed. "I know I have issues. I thought the same thing when Jake explained his behavior to me."

"What was his explanation?" Rocky said, suspiciously.

I told Rocky what Jake told me about his history with Cara.

"I just wish he would have told me sooner. I wouldn't have judged him. Maybe I'm naive, but I believe him when he said he was acting out of fear and insecurity." I finished.

"Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe it wouldn't have. Only time will tell how he truly is." Rocky said, diplomatically.

I nodded. "Even if he's not really like that, I just feel like we weren't even together that long for me to put up with it or for me to be so confused and hurt over it."

"It doesn't take long to inflict pain on someone, it doesn't matter how long you were together. What are you confused about? Breaking up with him? Because you don't deserve to put up with it, regardless of his reasons." Rocky said.

"Breaking up was the right thing to do. It just took our relationship for me to realize how... lost I am. I know now that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I'm just scared..." I stopped when the tears threatened to come.

Rocky waited patiently. "Scared of what?"

I took a deep breath and continued. "I'm terrified of being alone. I know that's weak and pathetic, but I would have changed to be what he wanted just so I wouldn't be alone."

Rocky glared at me. "Lily, why would you ever think that? You don't need to change anything about yourself. I'd rather be alone and happy than miserable with someone else."

"That's it though, I wasn't alone and happy. Jake is the only person who knows everything about me and he still wanted to be with me. He really loved me. I might never find that again." My tears came freely now.

"Lily, is this about your mom? Her actions have nothing to do with you as a person. That's on her."

"It's not just that, but my mom did raise me until I was 4, then she just... left. What did she see that made it so easy for her to leave me?" I questioned, crying.

"Lily!" Rocky said, firmly. "You don't know what she was thinking. There's no way you can put yourself in her shoes and try to make sense of it-"

"I can." I interrupted her. "I had just finished school and moved to California. I was learning how to take care of myself and I wasn't with Ethan. I wasn't ready for a baby, but I wanted mine." I sobbed into my hands.

The only sound in the room for a minute was my sobs.

"That's why you went to California? You were pregnant?" Rocky asked, quietly.

I shook my head. "No. I didn't know until after I moved. I didn't know until I miscarried."

"You told Jake." She said, more like a statement than a question.

I nodded, my sobs subsiding.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Rocky asked sadly.

"Because I felt so guilty for so long, I was ashamed and hurt. By the time I got past my grief, I only wanted to move on."

"I understand wanting to move on, but you haven't." Rocky replied.

"Maybe not, but I'm getting there. With Jake, he didn't judge me. He told me he was sorry for my loss and that it didn't change anything between us."

"And did it?" Rocky asked.

I shook my head no.

"It shouldn't have. It doesn't give him a free pass to treat you however he wanted either. That's not how love works. He should accept you for who you are, flaws and all."

I mulled that over, biting my lip.

"Look at me Lily." Rocky commanded. I did, wiping my face. "Your past does shape you into the person that you are. You can't change it, but you can learn and grow from it. There comes a time when you have to stop looking at the past and focus on the present. You don't ever have to worry about being alone. You have too many people who love you for that to happen."

I nodded again, giving her a weak smile. "Are you saying you love me?"

"Like the sister I never wanted." Rocky smiled and threw her arms around me, hugging me tightly. I hugged her back, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulder.

--------------------------

The heaviness I had been carrying faded away after my talk with Rocky. Yes, I still missed Jake and yes, I still had feelings for him. I no longer felt overwhelming sadness, anger, or dread when I thought about him. Maybe we didn't work out, maybe it was an epic failure, but I didn't regret us being together. At the very least, we tried. We learned from it. I knew I couldn't make the same mistakes in my next relationship, so I wouldn't. I hoped he did the same.

I called to apologize to Jenna on Monday after work. She was so cool about the whole thing, it made me feel even worse. She reiterated the fact that she was here for me, whenever I needed her. I informed her I had no intentions of sabotaging any more relationships and thanked her for the advice.

Blake had been texting me all week. Random things, like rubbing the Dallas Cowboys record in my face or sending me more songs to listen to. We chatted but I didn't feel a need to have him around as I did at the fair. I decided I was going to enjoy being single for a while. I know, I've been single for the majority of my adult life, but I was too busy doubting and criticizing myself to enjoy it. I wanted to enjoy it now.

Wednesday after work, I headed to Rocky's house. During my Facebook chat with Megan, I learned EJ was doing a fundraiser for his school. The deadline was Friday and Megan was selling through her coworkers. I told her I would buy some items if she got the book to me. Ethan was going to have it when he picked EJ up. Which was perfect, I needed to talk to Ethan anyway.

When I got there, Brandon and Ethan were in the kitchen while EJ played on the PlayStation in the living room.

"Hey everyone!" I said. I waved at EJ- I knew better than to interrupt him during his game.

"Hey Lily. How's it going?" Brandon asked me, grinning.

"It's going good. How are you?" I said, smiling.

"Good." He nodded.

"Ethan." I said, giving him a hug. "Thank you for bringing the fundraiser." I said as I pulled away.

"No problem." He said, handing it over to me.

I flipped through the book and picked out gifts for my coworkers. Ethan watched me as I ordered 8 items.

"Lily, that's too much." He said.

"No it's not. It's just enough. EJ wanted to sell 50 items right?"

"Yes!!! I'm gonna get 9 prizes!" EJ cheered.

"What do you say EJ?" Ethan prompted him.

"Thank you Lily." He said, taking a pause from the game.

"You're welcome. He just sold 51." I said, pulling out my checkbook to write a check. I added a box of chocolate for myself. "Anyway, this just saved me a lot of time. I did all my Christmas shopping for my coworkers."

"I hate Christmas!!!" Brandon groaned. "We had 3 80,000 piece trucks this week because of Christmas merchandise."

"We don't understand Target speak." Ethan responded, clearly uninterested.

"Big ass truck! Got it?" Brandon cleared up. EJ and I laughed.

"Language." Ethan said, stone-faced.

"I need to talk to you about something Ethan." I said.

"Can you excuse us Brandon?" Ethan asked him.

Brandon sighed.

"You don't have to go anywhere. It's about EJ. In fact, you can help me out. What do you think about Corey?" I asked Brandon.

"The dude Sammy's dating? He seems alright I guess." Brandon answered.

"He's friends with Jordan. He plays drums and offered to give EJ lessons." I explained.

"I'll think about it." Ethan responded, flatly.

"Really think about it. Megan and I were talking about it..." I said.

"Really?" Ethan asked.

"Yep. We're BFFL now." I lied. "And we both think it would be beneficial and educational and all that good stuff." I tried to explain while Brandon laughed at me.

Ethan smiled, and I couldn't help laughing too. "Fine, I'm lying. Just let him have the lessons!"

"I will think about it. He needs to focus on his schoolwork right now." Ethan answered.

"Maybe it could be an incentive to do well in school..."

"No. He needs to do well because that's what he is supposed to do."

I sighed but bit my tongue.

"I'm serious Lily. Don't go against me on this." Ethan said.

"Fine." I muttered.

"Was I helpful?" Brandon teased me.

"Shut it Brandon." I said, gathering my things to leave.

"Before you leave, I have something to ask you too." Ethan said.

"Ok. Go away Brandon." I smirked at him.

"No, I actually wanna hear this one." He smiled.

My interest peaked then.

"My mom is planning a get-together to celebrate my promotion. We were working on the guest list. She would like to invite you and Jake." Ethan said.

I looked over at Brandon. He was watching me, expectantly.

I turned back to Ethan. "That will not be a problem for me. Jake doesn't wanna see me, so you might wanna consider that-"

"Who told you that?" Brandon interrupted me.

"He did, when he blocked me." I answered, not trying to throw Rocky under the bus.

"It won't be a problem for him." Brandon added.

"Fantastic. I'll see y'all later. Bye EJ!" I said, before heading out.

"Lily. Wait up." I heard Ethan call after me as I walked out the door.

"I'm serious about Jake. I really want you to be there. If him being there is a problem-"

"It's not." I cut Ethan off. "I will be there and on my best behavior. I promise."

He nodded.

I smiled at Rocky as I looked up and saw her make her way up the driveway.

"Hey Lily." She said, cutting her eyes at Ethan.

"Hey Rocky, I'm on my way home. Bye." I told her as I gave her a hug.

"Bye Lily. Ethan." Rocky said, sharply, before going into the house.

Ethan looked at me, puzzled. I shrugged.

"Rough day." I suggested.

Ethan nodded. "Drive safe."

"You too."

-----------------------------

Thursday, my brother called me to see if I could meet him for lunch. I agreed. My supervisor Sandra was actually with Ann, our HR manager, interviewing a new therapist. After my last appointment before lunch, I skipped my charts and took an extra-long lunch.

I went up to my brother's work. I stopped by Trevor's cubicle before heading to his office. Thankfully, he wasn't there. I covered his desk, computer, chair, and keyboard with sticky notes. Trevor called and checked on me frequently all week. I told him I was fine. I figured reigniting the prank war would get him to stop babying me.

Most of the sticky notes were blank. On a few, I wrote remarks including #Prank War, LOSER, PUNK, and LAME. Nothing too scandalous or inappropriate for work. My pride was a crude little stick figure drawing of a guy getting kicked in the ass. I put that one right in the middle of his computer screen. I then made my way over to Cam's office.

I could see him through the glass window so I tapped on it. He looked up and waved me in. I opened the door and joined him.

"Do you know why I asked you here?" He asked, after inviting me to sit.

"Um, not really." I squirmed. I had an idea...

"Jenna told me what you said Sunday." He said, seriously.

"I'm really sorry. I apologized to Jenna. I just lashed out because it was hard to hear the truth." I explained as he pulled out something from his desk. He put a small black box in front of me. I stopped, shocked as he opened it to reveal a beautiful engagement ring.

"I wanted you to be the first one to know I'm planning on making her family soon." Cam smiled at me. "You're going to have to come up with a better comeback."

"OH MY GOD!!!" I shrieked as I rushed over to give him a hug. "How are you gonna ask?" I said, excitedly.

"Fuck if I know. It took a month just to pick out the ring." He said, sheepishly

"You did a great job. It's beautiful-"

We were distracted by an uproar outside the office. When I heard Trevor's voice, I knew he discovered my prank.

"What in the-" Cam started, heading towards the door. I followed him. When Trevor saw me at the door, he pointed at me.