Everyday I'm Shuffling Ch. 01

🎼Like a Fool

I left Jake outside of my townhome, shutting the door and taking a deep breath, willing my tears away. I forced myself to forget about how Jake pleaded with me and how distressed he looked during our talk. Instead, I thought about every time he ignored, embarrassed, controlled, or manipulated me. Remembering how I chased after, pleaded with, and cried over him made me feel pathetic. We were together less than three months and I felt like such an idiot. My best friend Rocky, who is dating Jake's best friend Brandon, told me about Jake's womanizing ways. My roommate Sammy slept with him first and warned me he wouldn't take me seriously. My other best friend Trevor made it clear he didn't understand why I would even give him a chance. I didn't listen to any of them- I fucked around and developed feelings for him while he was just using me. I tried so hard to keep him happy and be the perfect girlfriend. I became one of those girls who put up with anything from a guy because of 'love'. If he truly did love me, would I have needed to try so hard? Even if he did love me, it wasn't worth it if I had to change myself to please him.

I didn't want to think about how easily I was willing to change for Jake, so I focused on cutting him off completely. I already changed my relationship status to single on Facebook. After I left Jake's dad's house, I put my phone on silent because I wasn't ready to talk to him. I was upset, but also afraid if I did speak to him, I would only cave and go back. When I woke up this morning, I was dismayed to realize that I didn't need to worry about Jake trying to talk to me. His sister Jasmine tried to reach out to me more than he did- I had several missed calls, texts, and a Facebook message from her. I was both upset and disappointed that he didn't try harder to get in touch with me, but not surprised. If there was any doubt about what Omar said, Jake's lack of concern for me clearly confirmed everything I overheard, so I immediately changed my relationship status. I knew I was being immature and petty doing that before talking to Jake, but I thought it was perfect. He asked me out on Facebook, why not end it that way too? As a result of my changing my relationship status, I received a ton of texts and phone calls asking me what happened between us. I didn't have the mental energy to deal with it all today, so I ignored all the messages. Now that I conveyed to Jake in person I was done with him, I needed to tell my friends to prove it and move on.

Me: Hey, no drama with Jake. It just wasn't working out. I'm ok, thanks for checking on me.

I sent another message to Jasmine only because she'd been trying to reach out to me the most. I felt like she tried to warn me about his ex Cara, and I appreciated her for looking out for me. Even though Jake and I were done, I hoped we could still stay friends.

Me: Jake and I broke up. Thank you for everything you did to help us. We tried, but it just didn't work.

She wrote back right away.

Jasmine: I figured. Is there any way you can give him another chance? He doesn't even know what he did. You should talk to him instead of running away.

Me: I just talked to him. I don't see us being together so there's no point in another chance.

Jasmine: Ok Lily. Good luck with everything.

Me: You too.

As I changed into my workout clothes, I was a little disheartened by Jasmine's reply. Texting her felt like another huge mistake. The idea of being friends was a stupid. How awkward would it be if we remained friends when I didn't even want to be in the same room with her brother? I understood I needed to move on from all of it, but it was still upsetting. I put on my headphones and went for a run, knowing the combination of exercise and music would clear my mind and help me focus on not thinking about Jake.

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The rest of the week, I continued to keep Jake out of my life and move on. Not sure who said it, but it's been said the best revenge was living well, so that's what I was going to do. I focused on bettering myself. I worked hard at my job at the physical therapy clinic, going above and beyond with my patients and co-workers. I even volunteered to come to the clinic Saturday so my new boss Sandra could take her kids to the fair. I went home every day, jogged to the grocery store, and picked up ingredients for dinner. I tried new recipes that my aunt had sent me, and interesting recipes I found online.

Staying busy did not allow me time to think about Jake. The only time I thought about him was at night. I broke down and listened to the voicemails and read the texts he sent. They all said the same thing: he needed to talk to me so he could explain everything and he missed me. He left me a long message telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me. That's what finally encouraged me to block his number. I couldn't move on if I kept questioning myself if I made the right choice.

Friday night, Sammy and I went shopping together. She was chatting about a gig she got for the private bartender company she was working for called "The Honey Bs". It was at a rooftop party and she was going on about finding a rooftop bar or lounge we can go to when she is not working at either of her jobs. She tried to broach the "Jake" subject numerous times all week, but I cut her off. I didn't wanna talk about him at all. I followed her around, trying on stuff but buying nothing. After a few hours, she informed me she had plans and we headed back to our townhome.

Saturday morning, I was alone at the clinic, scrolling through Facebook and Instagram on my phone. Like a moth drawn to a flame, I checked out Jake's profiles. Nothing recent but birthday posts, wishes, and pictures his friends and family tagged him in. I did something I never did: searched his friends/followers list for Cara. A girl popped up, but she wasn't in Georgia and didn't look related to Criscelle, her sister I met at Jake's family Labor day barbeque, so I ruled her out.

I went on Jasmine's profiles and searched too. Nothing. I wished I knew her last name. I didn't care about Cara while Jake and I were dating, but after what I heard from Omar, I was insanely curious about her. I wanted to know what she looked like, what she did, and if we had anything in common, besides Jake. I know I shouldn't care, but I did. I knew it wouldn't change anything, but I still wanted to know.

"Mornin!"Quintin greeted as he came into the office.

"Hey, good morning." I said after I looked up and snuck my phone back into my purse.

"Where's Sandra?" He asked.

"I'm Sandra today. I told her I would watch over the clinic so she could take her kids to the fair." I informed him.

He nodded. "Nice. I have an appointment in an hour. I'm gonna get a workout in before my patient gets here."

"Cool." I smiled.

"The new guy should be here too. I told him he could shadow me." Quintin added.

"I thought we weren't shadowing anymore." I said, confused.

Quintin rolled his eyes. "This kid just got licensed. It's his first job ever. He needs to shadow."

I nodded, understandably. We were desperate for new people after my previous boss Derek left and took 2 physical therapists to the Children's Hospital with him. The weeks after they left were so hectic, I was just elated relief was in sight, even if the new hires needed additional training.

My Saturday at the clinic was long and boring. I did meet the new guy Kendal. He seemed nice enough and eager to get his own patients. After the last patient left for the day, I went straight home, longing for food and my bed. I was greeted by Rocky, Sammy, and Trevor all in the den waiting for me when I got home.

"Hey..." I said, uneasy. I knew they weren't there just because they were in the neighborhood. I loved my friends, but they could be overbearing and I simply wanted to be left alone. "What's up?"

"You are. I called them here because you need to snap out of it. You're like a cold, emotionless robot and I can't handle it." Sammy started.

"Contrary to popular belief, I don't need to be handled." I replied, aggravated. "And if I remember correctly, you couldn't handle it when I was upset about Ethan. I would think you would be glad I'm a robot." I reminded her.

"Yeah, that's why I called them. Good luck." Sammy said, before grabbing her Honey Bs outfit and leaving.

"Come sit down." Rocky instructed, motioning me to the couch. I stood, defiantly, waiting to hear I told you so from her. She expressed her concerns about Jake's and my relationship before we spent his birthday weekend in Vegas. I kept going on and on about how open we were, and how working through our issues made us stronger. How dumb I must of sounded shooting off at the mouth when she saw all the red flags I refused to acknowledge.

"Do you want to talk?" Trevor asked, his blue eyes full of concern. I sighed, missing the easy-going, lighthearted relationship we use to have. Nothing had been easy and light since he confessed he had feelings for me. I had to tell Jake, and after that my focus was solely on our new relationship. My friendship with Trevor had to take a backseat if I wanted my relationship with Jake to last. Now, I felt stupid that I ever let my almost 8-year friendship with Trevor be threatened by a relationship that barely last 3 months.

"If I say no, will you leave?" I replied.

"You need to talk. If you did, we would have been able to help you." Rocky stated.

I continued to stand there, silent.

"Who broke up with who?" Trevor asked.

I refused to answer.

"Why did y'all break up? And not the generic stuff you sent before. What happened?" Rocky questioned next.

Crickets.

"Well fine, I'll talk. I'm not upset that you two broke up. It was a long time coming." Rocky continued. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

"You don't think I know that? Do you really think I wanna hear I told you so? I get it. I was an idiot. Everyone saw it but me. You were fucking right Rocky. Is that what you wanna hear? Are you happy?" I declared, tears streaming down my face.

Trevor got up and gently led me to the couch next to Rocky. "It's ok Lilypad." Trevor said as he sat down next to me. I put my head down and he hugged me.

"Ready to talk now?" Rocky asked softly, but not letting me off the hook.

"I was so desperate and needy and just... foolish. I fell for everything. I listened to everything he said. It was all a lie." I cried.

"What happened?" Trevor asked firmly.

I explained to them what I heard Omar and Jake saying about me on Jake's birthday.

"So I was just a do-over from the girl that cheated on him. I'm sure it was therapeutic for him putting me through hell. I never even questioned what he told me. What the fuck is wrong with me?" I asked dejectedly.

"There's nothing wrong with you. He took advantage of you." Trevor reassured me.

Rocky said nothing. Her silence said more to me than anything anyone could say. There was something wrong with me. Naivety was probably the first thing.

"You need to confront him and get the whole truth." Rocky recommended.

"No, I don't. Besides, I already tried. I asked him about her. He had nothing to say. Nothing! Now, after he has had time to think about it, he wants to talk. I don't want to talk to him. I just want him out of my life so I can move on!" I proclaimed.

"I've been where you are. With Bilal and it doesn't work like that." Rocky told me.

"As soon as you talk to Bilal, I'll talk to Jake." I countered. She had nothing to say to that. It was uncomfortably quiet for a minute,

"Next time y'all stage an intervention, can you bring snacks and booze? This was very half-assed." I joked, trying to ease some tension.

Trevor smiled at me. "I figured you'd have that covered. Want me to go pick something up?"

"No. I have leftovers. You're welcome to stay if we can move on to a more pleasant topic, like politics or religion." I said, standing up to head to my room.

Trevor laughed while Rocky shook her head.

After a quick shower, I went downstairs and they had all the food heated up with popcorn and wine. We took our plates and ate in front of the TV. We put on "This is the End". It seemed appropriate considering all the panic doomsday talk and Seth Rogen had the ability to make me smile no matter what. Jonah Hill was a nice bonus too.

Rocky left around 9pm. I saw her and Trevor exchange looks before she left. I didn't worry about what they meant. They were probably making sure I didn't lose it, but I was really ok. Or at least, getting there.

We watched "The Neighbors" next. Trevor saw it, but I hadn't seen it yet.

"Stop it!" I demanded, laughing at a funny scene in the movie.

"What?" He asked, laughing too.

"Every time something funny is about to happen, you look over at me so I know something is coming." I smiled at him.

Trevor grinned. "You're supposed to be watching the movie not me."

"It's called peripheral vision Trevor. As a ninja, I'm always on high alert." I kidded with him.

"Oh, so you already know what you're gonna be for Halloween?" He smiled.

"I don't know. You think Amber is having a party this year?" I asked.

"I don't see why not." Trevor answered.

Amber loved Halloween. She invited everyone over to her house to party. It normally had a theme and her family always coordinated costumes. I was so excited to see what she would do this year.

"We should push for a frat house-themed party. Like old-school frats. Hazing can be partygames." I suggested to Trevor after the movie ended.

Trevor nodded. "Yes! Let's do it! Even if it's for our birthday instead."

Trevor's and my birthday are exactly a week apart and we always celebrated together. Sadness hit me as I remembered just a week ago, Jake and I were planning our second vacation at a ski resort because I wanted to see snow. I got frustrated all over again thinking about how foolish I was to plan something that far in advance. Stupid me thinking we would be together that long...

"Lily? What's wrong?" Trevor asked.

I shook my head. I had to watch my thoughts around Trevor. He had the ability to read my expressions and moods.

"Nothing. How cute would the girls look in togas? And Robbie with a beer can hat?" I forced a smile, imagining Amber's kids in frat themed costumes.

"Hilarious, but we both know Will would never go for that."

"He sucks. Maybe we can not invite him." I pondered.

Trevor laughed at me. "Good luck with that."

I laughed too. I was so glad Trevor ambushed me with Rocky. It was finally getting back to easy and light with him. He automatically made me feel better- I truly needed it.

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The following Sunday, I found Cara, Jake's ex, on Facebook. From Jasmine's page, I found her sister Jocelyn. Since Jocelyn's page was public, I figured at the very least I could find Cara's sister Criscelle and go from there. Turns out, I didn't have to go that route because Cara was friends with Jocelyn. I verified it with a picture of her and her baby Miguel that I saw at the Labor Day BBQ.

I was very shocked that Jocelyn was friends with the woman that, in Brandon's words, put her brother through hell, but nonetheless, I found her page. Unfortunately, it was private so the only thing I could see was a few profile pictures and her city. I flipped through her pictures. They were mostly shots of her face or her son and I learned nothing about her I didn't already know.

I finally shut my laptop and aborted my plan. It hurt thinking how I confided in Jake about my miscarriage and he couldn't even tell me he lived with Cara or thought her son could have been his. I mean, I know it's weird to bring up. Definitely not dating conversation, but I don't think I would have ever told him about my miscarriage if he didn't push me to. That was the perfect opportunity to open up and be honest with me. He chose not to. He made the same choice over and over again. I couldn't forgive that. I know my brother's girlfriend Jenna said forgiveness is for me and all that good stuff, but I wasn't ready to let go of my anger yet. I needed that resentment to keep me from falling back into Jake's arms because while I hated how he acted, I still loved him. I didn't know how to let that go.

I decided to go to Cam and Jenna's apartment to watch the 49ers game. I wasn't planning on going originally, but because I was contemplating making a fake Facebook account so I could look at Cara's Facebook page, I decided I needed to get out of the house. I pulled my hair up in a ponytail, put on my 9ers jersey and my everyday makeup, and headed to my brother's place.

Once I got settled on the couch with my brother, he asked me how I was doing. Thankfully, he didn't press for details about the breakup like Rocky and Trevor.

"Great." I lied, putting on a smile.

"Ok. Maybe you should be a little more selective about the next guy you date." He commented.

"What do you mean?" I asked him, assuming Trevor already told him everything that happened.

"Seems like if you really liked him, you wouldn't be doing great right now. Take it easy on the dating and stuff until you find someone that you actually care about." He said.

When he turned his head back to the TV, I gave him a dirty look. Jenna caught it but didn't say anything. After the game was over, I went back to my townhome. Outside was a bouquet of lilies and a note. My name was on the note in Jake's handwriting. I hated flowers as gifts. They just looked pretty and then died. How pointless. Why spend that kinda money on something that was dying? I would rather receive a potted plant or food. Although a dying gift was kinda appropriate considering the situation, I was sure that wasn't the reason behind Jake leaving the flowers. I should have thrown the whole gift away, but I was too curious not to read the note.

Lily,

I know you think flowers are overrated, but I wanted to show you how much I'm thinking about you. When you're up to it, let me take you out to eat. Anywhere you want.

Love, Jake.

P.S. I would have just left food, but I had no idea when you would be home. Give me a call when you're ready.

Part of me wanted to smile, call him immediately, and go out that night, but the other part of me bitch slapped that part in the face. The parts of me came together into a compromise. I picked up the flowers and went inside. I put them on the dining room table. I wasn't going to throw them out, but I was going to ignore them for the time being.

My brother's words weighed heavily on my mind. I wasn't great. I kept telling myself I was moving on, but I didn't know how that would be possible if my feelings wouldn't go away. I didn't know how to stop being so angry and hurt. On top of that, I missed Jake like crazy and that made me angry at myself. I didn't know how to deal with my feelings, so I didn't.

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Tuesday I finally got some relief at work. Kendal, the new guy, was able to pick up two of my patients. I remembered what Q(Quintin) told me about Kendal's lack of work experience, so I gave him two of my more manageable patients. One was rehabbing for nerve blocks in his hand, the other had one more month of rehab on an ankle repair.

I stuck around with Kendal while I waited for my last appointment of the day. I would be done and able to go home before lunch. I hid my observation of how he interacted with my former patients with getting to know you conversation. He was from El Paso. Like me, he moved out here for school and stayed when he got the job. He was telling me about how he still lived in Denton, with 3 other roommates, so he was looking for a new place.