Excellent Timing Ch. 03

"Well, eventually, I looked at her seriously and said, 'You think I'm joking?' And then that's when she started to tell me about how she knew all along. She knew I liked her, but wanted me to say something. She wanted me to find the courage. I was dumbstruck. And then she was like, 'Well, it took you a fucking long time didn't it Val?'"

"And yes it did take me awhile. She knew it would take me awhile to tell her. After all, it had taken us awhile to become friends, develop trust, and to share our deepest secrets. But I was desperate to know if she loved me as much as I loved her. You know how I'm bad at picking up on hints now? I was even worse back then. She had given me some subtle hints, but I missed them all. So, I finally asked her, 'Jo, so how do you feel about me? Are we just pals? How do you see yourself with me?'"

"Now, let me tell you, Jo was just crazy in general; the way she thought, acted, everything she did. Anyway, I still had my regular harness and chest harness on over all my clothes. Jo came up close to me and responded softly in my ear, 'Well, Val, let me just say, if you and I were in the bedroom right now, I'd definitely wouldn't see you wearing all that shit because how in the hell would I get to see you? The naked you?'"

Kaden bumped in and said, "Was she ever serious?"

"Rarely, but when she was she had a lot to say and it was incredibly meaningful. I knew that when she was joking, there was always some truth to it. After she said that to me, I had dozens of questions to ask her. Mainly, I wanted to know why she waited for me to make the first move. She told me that I needed to learn for myself how to exercise healthy action regarding my feelings. And Jo said she knew she could have told me, but she had no idea how I would have reacted. She knew that I was insecure a bit from the get go and I needed to find my comfort zone."

"She sounds like she really did love you. Wow," Kaden shared.

"She loved me in so many ways. I had no idea how much she loved me at that moment." Val lost herself in deep thoughts in relation to Jordan.

"What happened after that?" Kaden looked to Val with raising eyebrows.

Val smiled at Kaden and replied, "Well, we went back to our car and put up our gear. Then we set up camp, made dinner, talked about life and our future. What we hoped for. You know those long lost dreams you hope for someday? We talked about those. We decided that we weren't really tired, especially from all the excitement in the earlier day. We pretty much opened our deepest most inner parts to each other even more. And then we, well, made love right under the stars and all. It was so beautiful with the moonlight, the nature sounds around us, and the smell of the fresh Earth. It was the perfect way to lose my virginity. Yeah, I was a virgin up till then. And even Jo knew that. Jo had been with other women, but none like me she said. I think she was just being nice when she said that. Jo's body was mind-blowing. I mean I had caught glances at her changing, but I never got the full view until I made love to her. I think I touched every inch of her lovely body."

"Okay, I'm confused Val. Where is she now?" Kaden's eyes looked to Val's eyes, but Val's eyes returned to looking at the wooden floor.

Val stated slowly and softly, "This love story doesn't get the happy ending obviously or she'd still be here today. Like I said, it was my senior year of college and her last year for grad school. We were in love. We were so close to finishing college. We were happy. Well one weekend, Jordan was planning to go visit her family. She was good about being faithful to her loved ones. She had told her family about me, but she wanted to spend time with her family. I understood that and I didn't want to get in the way. She had a long four hour drive ahead of her. She left on a Friday night around eight o'clock. I even remember kissing her deeply before she left and telling her that I loved her. I told her to drive safely and call if she needed anything."

"I got a call around midnight. Jordan was hit by a drunk driver on a highway. The light was green for her. Some guy just totally ran a red light. Witnesses reported that she waited a little after the green light, but the drunk driver was just too fast for Jordan. His car T-boned her. A semi-truck was behind her and made the situation even worse. You know those big fuckers can't stop easily. So yeah, the semi pretty much totaled the back end of her car."

"Did she live?"

"The emergency personnel struggled to get her out in between the wreckage. She had several broken bones. Damage had been done to her back and brain even. Worst of all, she had been bleeding badly. I got to the hospital as soon as I could. Her family was already there. The doctors were doing their thing working hours on her. I couldn't eat. I couldn't move. I must have sat in the same chair for nearly four hours straight before the doctors came out and reported the final news. She was dying and they could do nothing about it. I couldn't even do anything about it."

Val finally finished with the hard part of her story. She cried more tears. She wasn't afraid to show her tears to Kaden now. Kaden knew the story and understood the pain she had went through. Kaden understood more than Val could comprehend at this point. Kaden wanted to hear the ending; so she asked, "And was there a funeral for Jordan?"

"Yes," Val replied somberly. "Jordan's family asked me to be the main speaker. They said I knew her best and loved her in the most intimate ways. I was scared shitless, but I couldn't say no. I did it for Jordan. I spoke about her courage, her passion for life, her love and acceptance for all, and most of all. her gratification for all the simple things in life. I spoke about how she encouraged me and how she revived me."

"Was it really so easy for you to talk about her? I mean, now it doesn't seem so easy for you."

"Everyone has their own way of dealing with death. I had even begun to deal. My head understood perfectly what had happened, but my heart was beyond healing. My heart hadn't even processed the truth of Jordan being dead." Val paused to let this sink in for Kaden.

"So, then how did you deal?"

"God, Kaden, I entered the deepest darkest depression I knew. I couldn't get out of my mind the way she died. I would cry myself to sleep whimpering and whining. I had no one there for me. I didn't even show up for my college graduation. What was the point without Jordan there? My family stopped talking to me when I told them I was a lesbian. I told them when I was with Jordan. And then after I told them Jordan died. They didn't even bother to call me back. They denied my existence."

"That's horrible," Kaden answered.

"Yeah, I suppose. What was more horrible was that I denied everything Jordan taught me. I pushed myself harder than ever. I started to run 3 miles a day, sometimes more. I became increasingly skinny. I worked at a factory overtime rolling in lots of money. I even started to smoke – something that Jordan hated; it made my breath stinky. I hardly ever slept and ate. My life was built on my overrated job and obsession with running."

"What did you do when you thought of Jordan?"

"I'd just start running more. Or go blow some money at the casino. I had horrible habits for about six months. Finally, a co-worker at work noted how skinny I was. I should say anorexic looking. I always wore baggy clothes to work, but my co-worker knew because she saw me changing in the locker room. That's when my boss made me go to a doctor or else he said he'd fire me. So, I went. The doctor was incredibly nice and cautious to me. He could tell I was dealing with something. He directed me to a kind psychologist. I started seeing the psychologist two times a week. He listened really well and helped me identify why I was acting the way I was. He basically raised my awareness about everything in life."

"So did you live healthier and happier?"

"Yes! He got me into a weightlifting class and even a lesbian club. Imagine that. He then helped me assess my future. That's when I told him about all the crazy and wild things Jordan and I did outside. He could just see the passion in my eyes for the outdoors I guess. My psychologist knew Rob, my manager now, and said I'd be a good candidate for the job. That's how I got this job."

"Wow, some year you had, huh?"

Val laughed at Kaden's remark. "Yes, it was an interesting year. My life went from sunshine to darkness immediately when Jordan died. Without the help I had gotten, I probably would be dead right now. That's a sickening thought."

"Yes, it is Val. I'm glad you're still living today!," Kaden said.

"Thank you Kaden. And most of all, thank you for listening to my story. It was long and hard for me to share, but you were patient and caring. You helped me get through it. I've tried to forget about it because it is so painful. But I feel so much lighter inside now."

"Val, I would do anything for you. I want you to know that. It is my pleasure to be here for you whenever you need me." Val smiled at Kaden and hugged her once more.

That's when Kaden whispered, "I'm sorry Jordan died so young and so fast. It was so challenging for you. I don't want you to ever have to suffer like that again. I can't imagine how alone you felt."

Val shared with her, "Thank you Kaden. If you ever need to share anything with me, just say the word and I will be there in a flash. I am just a good of a listener as a talker."

Kaden responded, "I meant to ask you something. So, why do you want to wait to have sex? Like you said earlier?"

"Well that's party why I told you this story. Party, I'm glad I had sex with Jordan because it's the only sex I've had in my life. It was so personal and meaningful. At the same time, experiencing such passionate love with someone else made me a lot closer to her! Everyone talks about how great sex is – which it is, don't get me wrong, but there are always two sides to things. After having sex with Jordan, we were so much closer and intimate. It made our relationship bigger. I don't know how to describe it to you Kaden, because partly you are so young and it's such an intense feeling between two people. Eventually, you will know what I'm talking about when the timing is right. Basically what I'm saying is you only want to have sex with someone when you're emotionally ready, because if you're not, the repercussions will hurt. Making love to Jordan and having that memory in my heart forever makes it so much harder...Does that make sense Kaden?"

"Yeah, it does for the most part. I will never fully understand, but you explained it well."

"Okay, but Kaden, when we get there, we will have all the time in the world. It's something you don't plan or date. You don't wait for it either. If you are, it's probably not love. You can think about it and talk about it, but it will happen spontaneously most likely and when both people are ready. That's love."

"Yes, I totally agree Val. That sounds like healthy and true love."

"Good. I'm glad you can understand this concept especially when you are so young. You're so strong Kaden!"

"Thank you Val. You are so kind, honest, and wise. I admire those qualities in you."

"Thanks baby."

"I'm baby now?"

"Yes, you are baby."

"I like that!"

"Oh you do?!"

"Yes, I do."

"And why's that baby?!"

"Because I'm sitting in the most coziest room with the strongest toughest sexiest woman I could ever be with."

Val laughed and said, "Well, I doubt that's true, but – "

"Oh shut up for a second Val! Seriously, thank you for choosing me! I would have had a very lonely summer if I had never ran into you."

Val nodded her head at this and pecked her on the cheek. "No one should ever be alone. Especially not you baby."

Kaden giggled and pushed Val down and rolled on top of her. Val tucked Kaden's long blonde strands of hair behind her ear. Then Val said, "Who would want you to be alone anyway? If anyone so as felt such a notion as that, I'd beat their asses up."

"No you wouldn't, because they are my family. You must respect my family Val," Kaden said sternly.

Val stopped playing with Kaden's hair and asked, "What do you mean? Your family?"

"It's not nearly as long as a story of yours, but there is some complexity to it. My family believes that by spending a summer alone I will become a better person. They think I depend on them way too much. They also think that I will become more grateful for what I have, including them," Kaden responded simply.

"Okay, but how did they come to all these conclusions?"

"Good question. I asked them the same thing when they sat me down and told me this after I graduated high school. They sat me down and told me everything I needed to improve on. My parents did not have one good word or even compliment to share about my personality, work ethic, or anything else in relation to myself. It hurts so much and they have no idea! They think they're doing the best for me which in a way they are, but I mean, but I can't be THAT BAD can I?", Kaden asked earnestly. Tears flew out of her eyes and she looked at Val briefly before sinking her face in between Val's lap. Val was shocked; she didn't know Kaden felt like this on the inside at times. She seemed so mature and for the most part, confident. Val rubbed and scratched Kaden's back for her. This soothed Kaden and she started to stop crying.

"Kaden, you're not alone, okay? I know what you're going through. My family entirely stopped talking to me after Jordan died. We'll stick through it together, okay?"

Kaden brought her head up and said, "Okay. That's another thing we have in common: disrespectful families. And that's putting it nicely."

Val laughed in agreement. "So, Kaden, who all believes that you should be here? Your dad, mom and any of your siblings?"

"First of all, my mom and dad divorced when I was really young – like four. Then, my dad died when I was eleven. Um, my mom remarried several years after the divorce. I only saw my dad on the weekends and summers before he died. So, the people who believe that I should be here would be my stepdad, mother, and well my sister which makes up my entire family. She thinks I'm entirely spoiled and such a baby. I agree with her to a degree, because I'm the youngest child, but the way she acts sometimes blows me away."

"How does she act?"

"She will give my parents dirty looks, never be thankful for the meals they prepare us, and will fail to do her chores. She'll get nasty with them if they ask her how she's doing. And I'm just horrible just because I exist."

"Kaden! That is so not true. Your sister sounds like she is going through something. She has her own insecurities and problems. Don't take it personally, okay?"

"Okay. I've never really thought about it that way. It makes sense you know?"

"Perspective can be everything Kaden!"

Kaden nodded her head and thought more about Val's words.

Val asked, "So, it sounds like you had a rough childhood. How did you deal with it?"

Kaden gave Val eye contact and answered, "I got over the divorce easily. At first, you have those childhood dreams like 'Oh my parents will get back together.' And then finally one day you wake up and just accept it and move on. It was hard not seeing my dad. I feel like I never really got to know him for the man he was. I mean I knew him, but not how should have known him."

"Well that makes perfect sense, because he died when you were so young Kaden. Don't feel bad about that. You had no control over time."

"Yeah, so true. Thanks for that."

"So, was your dad a good man or what?"

"Oh yeah. He hated not having us all seven days of the week. When my sister and I came to his house, he would order us pizza and we'd watch movies together. He'd always find someway to spend time with us, even if he was incredibly busy. He would tell us stories of his youth and stuff. My dad loved the Three Stooges," Kaden shared laughing while Val started to laugh too.

"Good stuff."

"Yeah. He dated girls on and off. He finally got a steady girlfriend who had children herself. I always enjoy playing with her kids. My sister and I are close in age; so, we struggled to get along. My dad couldn't stand that about us. My dad was big on us staying in touch with our feelings. He wasn't afraid to shed tears in front of us. A grown man crying. That was what was remarkable about him."

"Yes, your father was a strong man."

"I think that in order for a person to cry in front of another person, it takes strength. You're showing your vulnerable side. Everyone gets hurt, but to be able to show that is SO amazing."

"You're so deep Kaden."

"I guess that's what death does to you."

"How did your dad die Kaden?"

"That's a good question," Kaden answered Val. "I wondered the same thing when I was ten. I remember asking Mom, 'What does commit suicide mean?' I had an idea, but I didn't really know. Eventually, I understood. My dad's girlfriend broke up with him. His job had gotten harder in the last few months. Along with that, his mood started to dwindle. A lot of things in his life weren't going well. It hurt him to not see my sister and I much. He was seeing a counselor and all. I'm pretty sure he was even taking medicine, but it just didn't do the trick. I think he needed serious medical attention – something a friend couldn't give him, nor his family. It was too late before we realized that."

Val was silent after that. She had no idea what to say. Kaden was just staring deep into the fire. Before long she spoke, "No one was there emotionally for me. I suffered. I kind of went through what you went through after Jordan's death. I was so young my soul couldn't comprehend the loss I had experienced. So I blocked it out a few years. I didn't do anything dangerous to myself. I just remember feeling empty inside. For example, I would go outside with the other kids and play. I'd have fun for awhile, but then I'd come home and my stomach would feel all weird. I'd get nervous and I didn't know why. I wanted to shout and scream sometimes. I was baffled as a kid. I didn't understand these feelings till I was much older. Not till I was 15 or 16 years old, I realized that everything I believed in – my foundation - had been cracked and broken. My father's love had been taken away from me for the rest of my life. He didn't get to see me graduate. He doesn't get to hear about my trivial relationships or even my serious ones at that. I'll never know how he felt if I told him I was a lesbian. We're both missing out on so much."

"The good thing was that I saw a counselor at that time who helped me make these realizations. She helped me understand what I had suffered through. She told me that I will always have this huge hole buried in my heart and I could never get over it. I'd just have to keep living and remember the good times I shared with my father. She said eventually I'd find someone who could help me fill that hole – but it wouldn't be permanent. Only temporary. It would be enough though to make me feel less alone."

That's when Kaden started to cry. "I hated seeing my counselor sometimes, because it meant facing the truth. It was so embarrassing. Other teens were worried about what they wore the next day or the bad haircut they got. I was worried about what I'd discover next about my past. I was worried about not having to feel alone. I hated the feeling. My counselor told me that my days would get better from that day on, but I would just have to keep working on it day by day. She would praise me and tell me the amazing person I was, but I couldn't believe her. Sometimes, I just felt horrible inside..." Tears were still pouring down out of Kaden's green eyes. Val couldn't stand to see her liked that so she cuddled with her again and wiped the tears away from her eyes.