All Comments on 'F5: Cooking It Up'

Pretty funny, I must say. The food fetish aspect made me laugh, although I did wonder what happened to the middle of the mango... they have hard pits inside...

A fun way to take your fruit. I liked the way that it was a story about a story requiring the use of the standard first line. Very clever.

Another clever dissection of the theme. Something about this prompt seems to have struck some sort of parody chord in a few of us. This take is fun, smart, and sweet, sort of a nudge-nudge, wink-wink of a story aimed at your fellow writers, which I, for one, appreciated.

that mango seed just slipped right out of his hand onto the floor. That is my story anyway.

Clever use of the starting sentence. I liked it.

A very clever take on the opening line, I enjoyed it thank you :)

I'd suggest watching your use on language in your dialogue. One might write something like:

"I am going to the store.

in a narrative, but in the spoken word, it would much more likely be:

"I'm going to the store.

for it to ring true.

Otherwise, interesting job.

Well first this concept was neat. Kind of a parody type deal (wondering what to write for the contest ) that was cool if not a little blunt at first. The scenario was something I was particularly fond of. Chatting about what he's going to write and then reading it aloud leading to... hotness. That little method of gettin somebody all worked up by reading them erotica was a great idea. It even kinda justifies what authors at Lit do in a sense. And you showed it in a story.

The tale itself I thought was a tad scatterbrained. I think I got lost a few times trying to keep up with all the characters in (Brian's?) story. I recall there were four of them plus what was happening to the actual two characters. It got a little, "this leg here that hand there" in Brian's telling of his story. Dont get me wrong, after a few times retracing my steps, what was actually going on was hawt. I just couldn't hold on for much of it. I'm thinking if there were maybe two guys in Brian's story, that maybe reflected he and his partner a bit more, it would have been a smoother and more fitting ride (no pun).

Nice touches with the fruit and stuff though. You could, eh, feel that. And your two characters arousal escalating like that was pretty in tune to the arousal of the story. Wish I coulda peeked in on them a little more when they finally went at it, especially if their sex was as hot as their story.

The opening line was used well early on in Brian's story too, and the cooking and food scenario was different.

Quick, saucy (fruity feels wrong to say), a little confusing, but nice job. Good luck.

I questioned the beginning, but you worked it in and out quite nicely!

Fun and clever way to handle the story, It felt a little rushed, or maybe swept along too quickly, but that could have been on purpose, to illustrate the escalating arousal of the characters. Nicely done.

This was a fun and hot hot ta(il)le. I agree with a few of the comments regarding occasional confusing details, but it did the job for me. I also liked the tongue-in-cheek playing with the FAWC starting line. I'm pretty sure I got you fingered...;)

When I was thinking about doing this FAWC, I had considered a similar opening - a parody of sorts. I backed away afraid it could be taken wrong. Congrats the whomever for going that route. Otherwise, a breezy read without any chops.

Warning: My comments will tend to be harsher than complimentary. It is meant to help. I hope that by identifying what *didn't* work for me, the author might have some insight into areas of improvement, so far as one reader's opinion goes. I didn't read the other comments, until composing my own.

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* First impression during and after the read. *

I like this. Got a good ways down before writing anything. So quick off the mark, nice dialogue, cleanly written. Great beginning.

"Hum, . . ." I don't like this if it's supposed to be 'Hmm'. Hum is a word, not a sound. If it is a sound, probably would be good to put in italics.

" . . . book and comes up behind him and pushes his pants down off him and fucks . . ." too many ands and not enough commas for narrative. For dialogue, you get a pass. I think some comma's and fewer ands would work better, even for dialogue.

Creative, a story about a story. And using the creation of a story to excite.

For some reason, the more detail, the less exciting, as we get through the mango. Perhaps because I'm not a fan of GM. Still enjoying the progress of the story.

The repeated use of 'hunky' is distracting. Are there any other words you could use?

" . . . moaning and begging Xavier's ass . . ." Awkward sentence construction. Was Xavier's Ass moaning and begging?

" . . . ack on the sofa with his legs spread his dick in his hand and Danford poised . . ." we could use a comma here, after 'spread, and possibly after 'hand'. The second one is a preference.

Noticed some awkward dialogue, but most of it was good. Not a fan of the and/and/and sentence construct.

Lost me a few times when Brian's story got further along. Had to reread a few lines/paragraphs.

Cute ending. Fun little tale. Not anything to write home about except the clever idea. Use of the items was handled very, very well. Easy, clean, quick read through most of it.

* Favorite Elements *

The clever idea.

The beginning where the story was first developing and we saw it change to meet Danver's needs.

* Issues *

A few issues with the longer story bits as Brian told them.

Bothersome sentence construction many and/and/and sentences.

So rough sounding dialogue a few times