Falling Down

"So, here's the deal. I know all of this seems really grade school. It seems like I'm just throwing a fit." I looked at him, watching him sit there patiently, listening. "Anyway. I'm going through a bit of a rough time. You know a lot about what happened with me and my dad." I stopped, shaking my head, "Actually, I want to say that you know a lot about what happened with me and my dad but the truth of the matter is, I've hidden most of even that from everyone..."

He shook his head, and I could see pity come into his eyes. It hurt to have someone that I cared about pity me...

"Things are a lot worse than I let on." I looked him in the eyes and decided right there that I would just trust him. "If you share what I'm about to tell you, with anyone, you and I are going to have real trouble. Do you understand me?"

He didn't make any false promises to me. He just met my eyes and nodded, very solemnly, nodded.

I sighed. "My dad was always really freaking hard on me. I guess people would call it emotionally abusive. When it got to be physical I decided I wasn't going to take it anymore and I bailed. Before him, my mom was even worse. I was terrified pretty much all my life. Starved, abused. Worse of all, was the isolation. The loneliness. I was alone all the time."

I ground my teeth. This wasn't going to be easy for him to hear. "After this latest dustup, I started to realize that I was never a part of our group. I was left out all the time. I had to cling on and attach myself constantly. I'm not like the rest of you. I'm not normal. None of you really wanted me to be around. All of you made sure that without me pushing my way in constantly I wouldn't be welcome. I'm sure I brought that on myself, but it was still something that was really hard for me to realize."

I could see him arguing with me in his own mind. He really was a pretty decent person, and I could see he wanted to argue with me. I could also see that he knew he would be lying to both of us if he did.

I gave him a wry smile. "See how much it hurts to realize? Now imagine you've been the one pushing at that for as long as I have. Imagine the shame you would feel having had that realization about yourself."

He shook his head at me. "Look, this is going to sound hollow, but that really isn't something you should blame yourself for."

I started to argue and he pulled me up short, "No. Stop and listen. You're not a bad guy. Yeah, you needed rides, and you were always less well off than all of us." He shook his head at me, "What all of us should have realized though was, we are not well off. Our parents are. It isn't your fault that your parents aren't well enough off to give you the things we've been given, and frankly it was an asshole move on our part to look down on you."

He shook his head and looked at the floor. "I have to own my part in this."

His eyes snapped up and looked at me. "I'm not very proud of the person I was until I decided to come over here today. I just did what people told me to do. If I had been there that night when they ditched you, I would have joined in. I wouldn't have argued, I wouldn't have stood up for you. I would have just went with the flow, all so I didn't have to think for myself. I'm done with that."

I smiled at him, shaking my head. "Look man, I appreciate you coming over and trying to make things right, but right now, I'm not going to be a very good friend to you."

His face scrunched up, "What do mean?"

"I'm kind of freaking out."

He raised an eyebrow. "Over us being assholes?"

I chuckled. "No. Look. I let a lot of stuff stack up, and then things kind of boiled over. I'm having trouble keeping everything under control."

He shook his head, "Look, I'm not that smart. Maybe you could explain this all to me. Use little words, and I'll try to understand."

I again chuckled. Jeremy wasn't stupid, far from it in fact, he just saw the world different than the rest of us...

"Putting it plainly. I'm having panic attacks. Depressive episodes." This one stung to admit...

"If it wasn't for Karly, I'd probably be thinking about hurting myself..."

There. I said it.

"What happened the other night left me really isolated and alone. If it hadn't been for her... things might have turned out really badly."

He was white as a ghost.

I sighed and slapped my knees, "None of that is any fault of any of the guys. They made a choice. It just happened to come at a time that could have been really bad for me."

I shrugged, "If I just patch some plaster over that hole and pretend me and the guys are okay it doesn't make the problem go away. It will happen again, and maybe next time Karly won't be there to pull me back from the edge."

I met his eyes, "I can't afford that to happen. It's easier to be on my own than it is to count on people that aren't going to be there for me."

His eyes roamed the room, "We're not going to hug now are we?"

It made me laugh.

He shook his head at me. "Maybe you should tell the guys what you just told me?"

My face went still. "I don't want people to be around me because they pity me. The only reason I told you is because you reached out to me, and I took that as a sign of you genuinely wanting to be around me. If that happens you need to understand what's going on with me. I'm not going to be an easy person to be around. That means I need to depend on the kindness of others. If I expect that kindness, I need to be open."

My eyes narrowed at him, "And I was serious. If you share this with anyone... I'm going to be pissed."

He laughed and raised his hands. "Don't need to be told twice. I get it."

He paused a second and thought about it. "So, I'm going to assume you don't want to hang out with the other guys?"

I shook my head at him. "I can't afford to."

He nodded. "I get it now."

I suddenly felt really bad for him. I had laid all of this on him, and then put him in the spot where he essentially had to pick between them and me. It was a really unfair thing to do...

"Look, I get it." I told him, "I'm not asking you to choose between them and me. Frankly, where I am right now, you should choose them. I won't be a good friend to you, not right now. I won't hold it against you. I can get through this on my own."

He laughed and shook his head. "This is a no contest issue for me."

I didn't get what he was talking about, so I shook my head at him. "I don't understand."

I smiled. "It's going to sound stupid, but how many times in your life do you get to really be there for someone? I mean when it really matters?" He paused for a second. "Also, I'm tired of being treated like the family dog."

His eyes met mine, and I saw a fierceness there. "Look man, I'm treated like a joke. People look down on me, and I end up being the clown to keep them entertained. I'm tired of that shit. I'm tired of feeling like I'm tolerated. You want to know why I'm sitting here right now?"

I shook my head at him. "I really don't."

"Because you never treated me that way." His look took on a fierceness I had never seen from him before. "You never tolerated me. When I got on your nerves you told me to knock it off. You always treated me with respect, and I always knew that the way you treated me was exactly where I stood with you." His eyes narrowed. "I also realized that if they can do that to you. Sooner or later they'll do it to me."

I chuckled.

He sighed, "You know my mom tried to kill herself last summer?"

I was horrified. "What? I mean, no, I didn't know that."

He looked out in to the distance, his eyes going out of focus. "I didn't tell anyone because I was ashamed."

I shook my head at him, "Why?"

He looked at the ground and sighed. "My dad is a real piece of work. He just gets under your skin... makes you feel like you're less than human. I feel it too sometimes..."

I suddenly felt very selfish. How had I not known this about him? How had I not sensed it?

It made me feel like I wasn't a very good friend...

He smiled at me. "I get where you're at... because most of the time, I'm right there with you..."

Then he shrugged, "So how about we try being alone, together?"

Chapter 4

Karly was laying in my arms...

I kissed her, laying my kisses over her face, her neck... down her chest.

She giggled and shivered. "You make me feel so good when you do that."

I reluctantly let her skin fall away from my lips, brushing a stray strand of hair away from her face, so I could see her eyes. I shook my head at her...

"You are so perfect." I told her for the thousandth time.

Her hand came up and pulled my head into hers, her lips meeting mine, her tongue sliding into my mouth. When she came up for air, her eyes met mine. "Back to school tomorrow. You ready?"

I smiled at her. "Yep, I'm ready."

Her eyebrows shot up, "Did you do all your homework?"

I laughed. "Yes mother."

She smiled at me. "Don't take that tone with me mister."

I chuckled and shook my head at her. "I love you."

She preened like a peacock in my arms. "I know."

Giggling I wrapped her in my arms and pulled her over on top of me. "Goofball."

She leaned in and kissed me, "So, when am I picking you up tomorrow morning?"

I pulled my face away from hers. "You're not."

She raised her eyebrows at me. "What do you mean I'm not?"

I put my hand on her face. "You are not getting up early and driving across town to pick me up. I'm riding the bus in the morning, like I always do."

She looked crushed at first, then, really, really angry.

I gritted my teeth at her. "I need to stop being that person that depends on other people for everything. I want to do this for me. My pride couldn't take it if I knew that every morning I was making you get up early to drive all the way across town and pick me up because I couldn't provide for myself."

She shook her head at me. "That's stupid. And you need to know it's making me angry."

I took a deep breath. "Baby girl, let's be honest. You don't want me on that bus in the morning because Jacky is going to be on it."

She stopped dead.

"You don't want me on that bus because you don't trust me to make the smart choice and avoid her."

I saw panic steep into her eyes. "It's not that I don't trust you..."

I raised my eyebrows at her. "So, what, you think she's going to throw me down and rape me?"

She looked desperate. "I know you. I know you well enough to know that you'll be nice to her. She's going to take that as her still having a chance with you." She paused and looked down. "I just don't want her worming her way back into your life."

I sighed at her. I had this coming. I had left Jacky for Karly, Karly had to expect the same behavior out of me with her.

"Look, I get it. I have no right to demand that you trust me..."

Sorrow clouded her face, "It isn't that."

I smiled at her, "I know it is. It's not that big of a deal. I'm going to show you." I put my hand on her face, "You can trust me, because there is no way I'm messing up something as perfect as what I have with you."

Her eyes narrowed and she growled at me...

Her face came in close to mine, and I reached for her to kiss her. Her mouth landed on mine, hot and full of life. Her hands went into my shirt, her nails raking down my flesh...

Her hips ground on mine and I found myself very excited by her...

For the first time, I was suddenly very frustrated with the thought of not being able to have her...

I felt her hands on the button of my shorts...

My hand caught hers... "No, no..."

My breath came in ragged gasps. I licked my lips... "No way I can handle you digging around in there right now..."

Her tongue nipped out and she actually licked the tip of my nose...

"I just figured that you'd like to unwrap your present..." She told me playfully.

My breath sped up...

"You mean...?" I asked her.

She raised her eyebrows and nodded her head... "Yep..."

I grabbed her and pulled her to me, kissing her hard and doing my best to take her breath away...

Her hands were back into my shirt and I could feel her breath speeding up, keeping pace with mine. It felt delicious to feel her want me as much as I wanted her...

She made a frustrated sound, "Off please. Take it off."

I laughed and pulled my shirt off.

Her mouth found its way to my neck and the sensation rolling through my body was so intense it was all I could do to keep from rolling her over and taking her right there.

It was weird though... I wanted her to drive. I wanted to see her in action.

Her hands rolled and roamed over my chest, working their way up to my shoulders. Her lips traced their way down my neck and onto my chest. My eyes rolled back in my head it felt so good...

Her hands were back onto the button of my shorts...

I didn't stop her this time.

Her mouth was hot upon mine... She had her hands in my pants. I kissed her neck, breathlessly whispering into her ear, "Shirt off please."

She smiled and pulled her shirt off. The bra was next.

My hands found her breasts, massaging and tweaking her most sensitive spots. She covered my hands with hers, her head lolling back.

She was panting with desire, and it was driving me insane.

She raked her nails across my chest, once again heading down my pants.

I shook my head at her, "Lose the pants. I need you right now."

She smiled wickedly at me, "Patience is a virtue." She panted as she pulled my shorts down.

I had to kick my shoes away quickly to help her get my shorts off.

And then her mouth was on me.

I had to use every ounce of my willpower not to pull her down on me. "Or that works too..."

Her head lolled on me, driving an insane amount of pleasure into my body.

I could feel her working her pants off while she was down there. I very much wanted her right then... "You. I want you." I hissed at her.

She looked up at me, her smile flashing bright. She crawled up my body, her skin rasping against mine. Her mouth found mine as she pressed her body down on me. She was so warm and inviting...

"Oh god..." I moaned as she pushed me into her.

Chapter 5

That first day on the bus seeing Jacky was the hardest. She got on the bus about five stops after me. She was obviously extremely pissed. She walked straight to her seat and dropped into it, glaring at me the entire time. While a part of me wanted very much to keep her mad at me, a part of me knew that I had wronged her, and that in turn kept me civil. I let her get off before me, and I kept a good distance from her. I wanted to apologize for being a dick, but I also wanted to keep my distance from her. Sometimes the best thing you can do to make up for hurting someone is to help them remember that you should be forgotten...

I tried to not look. I kept my headphones on, and a book in my lap. I kept my focus on those things. I went out to lunch with Karly that day. She was not having it...

"How'd this morning go?" She tried to keep it casual, like she didn't really care. I knew that was bullshit. In her mind, she probably saw Jacky rush onto the bus with me and dive straight into my lap...

I looked up from my sandwich. "Tensely. Is that a word? It doesn't sound like a word. Did I just make that word up?"

She narrowed her eyes at me. "How are you in AP English? Yes, tensely is a word." She snapped her fingers at me. "Now stop trying to change the subject."

She was kind of pissing me off...

I gave her a dark look. "There's nothing to talk about. She hates me. I don't intend to disabuse her of that notion. Problem solved."

"Look, I just want to know." She told me defensively.

I pushed my anger at her down. I loved her, but she was making it tough... "Please stop."

Her eyes locked with mine. I could tell she was looking for something to say. I could tell a part of her wanted to argue with me, a part wanted to apologize, a part wanted to smack me in the head.

I didn't wait for Karly roulette to land on a number. "I didn't cheat on you, so stop treating me like I did. I get it, but please, knock it off. I love you, but you're pissing me off right now."

Rage flashed across her face. She managed to push it down before she opened her mouth...

I was really proud of her for that.

She ground her teeth and shook her head. "It isn't you, it's her. I just." She shook her head and sighed heavily.

I cut her off before she could start talking again. "Don't lie to me, and certainly don't lie to yourself. You don't trust me. I can't say I blame you, but I can tell you right now, asking me is fine. When I tell you and you keep pushing it starts to feel a hell of a lot like you're calling me a liar." My eyes narrowed at her. "That's going to get real old for me, real fast."

She sighed and nodded. "I get it. I'm sorry."

I reached across the table and took her hand. "Don't be sorry. Nothing to be sorry for. I just need you to know where the line is."

She scooted from her chair across mine to the one next to me. She put her head against mine. "I'm sorry. I don't want to be neurotic girlfriend... I just can't help it."

I gave her all too close lips a quick peck, "It's okay. We'll work through this together."

The next day, still the silent treatment.

The same the day after.

On Friday, she sat in front of me. Midway to school she turned around and said something to me. The headphones Karly had bought me for Christmas were really nice noise canceling ones, so I didn't catch what she had said. I looked up, pulled them out and asked, "What?"

She shook her head angrily and turned back to face the front of the bus. "Fuck you."

I just shook my head, sighed and put my headphones back in.

Part of me wanted to say something. The smarter part of me realized that she was trying to provoke me. To get me to say something stupid. The entire thing seemed so petty. I really wasn't interested in getting involved. This entire thing seemed so fucking pointless. I realized the best thing I could do was just ignore her. She would work herself up to the point that she finally started hating me and that would be the end of it. She would get her closure, I would get peace, and Karly wouldn't have to worry anymore.

After about two weeks she turned and started talking to me again...

I was really hoping she would just let it go...

I sighed and took my headphones out. For a split second, I considered talking to her. Trying to explain it to her. Trying to figure out a way to make her understand that she wasn't a bad person. That it wasn't something she did, or something she wasn't. That it was just a matter of Karly being a better fit for me.

I looked into her pixie face and felt very sorry for her. "Look. I'm sorry about what happened. I shouldn't have done that to you, but I did. I can't help it. I can't make it change, and if I could the only change I would make would be to break it off with you before I got together with Karly."

She started to talk and I held my hand up to her, shaking my head. "Just stop. All you are doing is rubbing salt in your own wounds. Just stop doing that to yourself. You win. I'm a lousy person and you get to walk out of this whole thing realizing that you did absolutely nothing wrong."

Tears started to well in her eyes. "I just wanted to be friends again..."

I sighed. It hurt to hear her say that. I felt bad for her. I knew her home life was shit, I had seen that first hand, and for the briefest of moments I considered working out some way we could make that happen.

My common sense kicked in though...

I shook my head. "I think that would be a mistake for both of us. You need to move on. I need to make sure..."

I didn't want to say I need to make sure I stay loyal...

But I did want to make sure I stayed loyal. It wasn't that I felt that there was any chance of Jacky tempting me away from Karly, but I figured closing that door and not testing the theory was probably the smartest way to ensure that I never stepped over the line. There was also Karly's feelings to be considered.