All Comments on 'Family Business'

Quite good

What a dark tale. I understand his anger at the betrayal and at how he was treated by his family but to intentionally try to kill his brother went to a very dark place. Well written and this story did bring out some very strong emotions so well done.

Winston Churchill was also dyslexic and likely had a load of other learning disabilities. He got into Harrow as a favor to his father, but to paraphrase the great man: 'Whilst my more intelligent friends laboured away writing witty Greek epigrams, I was consigned to learning the power and majesty of the incredible English language.'

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This is a superbly well-crafted story, which unfolds believably and and holds the reader's interest throughout. Your MC acted like a real person, wronged by the very people who shouldn't have treated him like that. Moreover, there was no confrontation where it all comes pouring out and he gets to give them their great face-to-face comeuppance. No, it unfolded like so many real life stories do. Well. Done. 5+++++/5!!!

A lot of whys were never answered. Why did the trio do what they do?

A Gumbo25 story is always welcome, and I started reading with anticipation. The first few encounters with Brittany laid the foundation of her suspicious behaviour and lies, and I could see the trap that Tim was walking into. That he could also see it and questioned it was good, and it slowly ramped up the tension.

However, after marrying her and then becoming suspicious again it all felt a bit flat. I think the author overplayed the link with Donovan, because straight away I felt that Taylor was the real rat and Donovan was just a red herring. And so it turned out to be.

At this point in the story Brittany has almost ceased to play any part, and I didn't even know she and Tim were divorced until the end. I even went back to find out when it happened, but I couldn't find anything. Brittany and her devious behaviour played a large part initially, and this kept me reading to see what happened, but then she just sort of fell off the map. I still have no idea what she was thinking or why, or how she fared in the end.

Four stars because of this, I think, but the writing was as good as always. Thanks from me and I did still enjoy it.

your abetter man than me.......the projects always have openings

9 pages and so many plot holes its not funny, your stories are so long because you fill them with so much unnecessary back story as filler and leave out things that are important to the story. Like WHY they did it.

Could have been about 4-5 pages shorter

I’m obsessed with detail but a lot of this shit irrelevant

It was a decent story, but the ending felt anticlimactic. When you write a nine page story, you need to wrap it up with a satisfying epilogue.

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What happened to Brittany? A final conversation with her would've been good, where she bitterly regretted the affair with Taylor now that he was disabled and broke. A self-serving whore like her would've tried to get back together with Tim when her life turned to crap.

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You also needed to develop Val much more. This is the woman that the protagonist ends up with, so she needed to be an upgrade on Brittany, but Val barely got any attention in the story. She only got about five lines of dialogue... two of which were nagging Tim to concentrate on his driving, then the final two were warning him she would've dumped him immediately if he got in a fight (which she initiated by not shutting down the cowboy).

Tim told her there was a family emergency, but she doesn't even express any sympathy? I don't know what personality Val was supposed to have, but my impression was that she was a dour, humourless bitch.

Actually composites are structural. In fact technically everything solid is to some degree. They are simply not so good structurally as (most) timbers which is why they have to span less. Sorry but I’m a structural engineer and couldn’t resist it. Maybe in USA there’s some by law that specifies it that way. However, a really good story that I enjoyed. A bit predictable but often the very best stories are. In fact I’ve enjoyed all your stories so far.

Despite the length of the story, there was no explanation for why would Brittany have chosen to cheat with a scum-bag loser like Taylor. And the loser brother who corrupts his sister-in-law is getting old, and this story provides no explanation for that either. Otherwise, the story was decently written without the grammatical and syntax errors.

very smooth read. I loved how Tim kept his dignity throughout. After all, Flash sometimes explodes on its own, hey Taylor? no nitpicking from me

Page 1,

Sooooo why the fuck is he still home? GTFO. Military if nothing else.

When Brittany didn't want to talk about her previous marriage to Donovan that should have raise a big red flag of warning there. I've always thought that if you were getting serious about marrying some one that was previously married and it ended in divorce you might want to have a chat with the previous spouse. People have a tendency to spin their failures such that they always appear in a positive light. Getting input from a former spouse might give you some insight into what happened as the truth is most likely somewhere in the middle of the two sides of the story.

As for Brittany fate, I'm sure she'll find some other dumb schmuck that'll marry her. All she has to do is flaunt those big assets of hers and distract him away from what a shitty person she actually is.

"Val and I are still together, but it will be awhile before I get married again."

Yeah, considering her reaction to Tim's confrontation with the cowboy that was chatting her up in the bar I think Tim should turn her loose since she seemed to be enjoying the attention from the cowboy way too much.

“No matter how good she looks - no matter how sweet she talks - somewhere there's man who is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.”

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This is a party slut. Fuck her with a condom if you must but under no circumstances consider any sort of permanent or semi-permanent relationship

It’s certainly understandable to want to kill someone for betraying you in way that is unforgivable. Dark, but realistic. Hate how this sort of story arc inevitably ends with “yet another woman waiting in the wings for the hero after he’s free of the cheating whore.” It’s such a cliché and yet every author in this genre acts like it’s a requirement. It’s really not, and the only part of this that doesn’t ring true.

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He did not get THE story. He got her version of THE story.

Well written, and sad, when one parent won’t acknowledge the success of their child. Dark tale. Did wonder why no divorce was mentioned ? Brittany was a coward, slinked away. BTW normally with Family companies and trusts, resigning does not absolve you of liability, either sell or gift your share of equity back to your parents or siblings.

Good story. Could have been great.

Too many things were obvious from early on and it took forever Tim to figure it out. Brittany being a cheater. Donovan not being the bad guy. It was the brother Brittany was cheating with. Her trips to Redmond were to the brother's apartment which was in Donovan's building. All made blatantly obvious pretty early on and then the story was dragged out as Tim ignored all the details staring him in the face.

Really well done! I agree with Pencarrow that it was telegraphed to much in the beginning that Brittany would end up with Taylor. Very credible story of how Brittany is a self centered manipulator and Tim with his dyslexia is capable but with low self confidence would act. I don’t quite remember where Tim and Brittany get divorced and I had a de’javu moment with the deck falling set up. Some how remember reading a story very similar but I’m not accusing plagiarism because my memory was that person died in the fall. Good read!

It was a very good story until Tim's attempted murder. Totally turned me off from that point forward.

You opened this story with an apology for how long it was. It is too long because you mc did NOTHING for 5 pages. He just sat around musing about the past and "deciding" to just keep bumbling along. You could have covered all of that in two sentences. The danger to you as a writer is that it gets increasingly impossible to give a single, solitary shit about your mc and your story. I made it to the top of page 6. No more.

LWlurker

This is a good, captivating story. My only complaint is that at times you tended needlessly repeat yourself and I found it quite distracting. Despite that, I did give it 5-stars for the story being potentially believable.

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MC deserves to be fucked over for being a pussy dumbass. Fuck it. I’m rooting against him. He’s just too stupid to reproduce.

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Obviously it was the brother with his pipe in the apt.

No, nothing large shifted in the marriage. She’s always been a slut and MC has always been a dumbass.

Not worried about giving away the story because it was obvious from early on. So sick of stories where the husband has to be a dumbass for the story to work.

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Pretty damn good.

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Pretty good but dump that bossy cunt Val

I kind of liked it, but can't understand the obsession a lot of writers to give clue after clue that there's a problem. The main character gets spit on, and he just takes it. Then it happens again, and he..... takes it again. Over and over he gets madder and madder, and so, he..... does nothing. Does the writer think the readers are so clueless that we just can't get it thru our thick heads without making it so obvious?

Strong finish but dump Val. If that cowboy had taken a swing and he’d defended himself, she would have dumped him. Who needs a cunt like that?

5*s, but I would've liked more of a denouement with Brittany; however, I strongly empathize with the MC and his plight. I, for one would like a continuation of the story with Val (in the romance category 😊).

Gumbo25 is one of our best active LW writers. As is the case with Lover1953 and smokeandmirror, there is a standard template/story arc common to his works. Which at least to me, makes them all the more enjoyable. Making love with the same woman is like that, too. You know where you're going, and enjoy the little differences each time getting there. In this new epic, there is an obvious common link to "Pheasant Construction" with the exploitation of shoddy workmanship to hoist the villain by his own petard. Gumbo25 cuts the story off before the MC overcomes his gun-shy reluctance to re-marry. Piece of advise for Tim: pull the trigger. Brittany was a shit from day one. Val is totally different, and you know it. Go for it. Don't worry. Be happy.

I started reading and knew I would like it. The main character is flawed beyond repair. A weak individual who lay in wait until he had a upper hand. My respect for Tim declined as the story continued. Don't get me wrong his family were complete jerks, with the exception of his father was a weak man. The story itself was written extremely well and I enjoy the read. It just left a bad taste in my mind.

Good, if very dark, story. I doubt this comment will be well-received here, but this was an excellent opportunity for him to take the high road, be the better man, and if needed make sure that everyone knew it. Sometimes being better than the people who attack you is revenge enough. Still, a good story.

The true villain or villainess of this story was Tim's mother and not Brittany. Brittany was a scorpion, it was in her nature to do what she did, all the while Tim was with her he knew what her nature was but he wanted her anyway. Had he listened to himself he wouldn't have had a double betrayal just the one from his mother. And there is a story back there on how the Mother became who she was, how she could ignore Tims learning disability and focus on the son who had everything going it. In most families with a disabled child, the focus is on that child to the detriment of the "normal" kids and leads to them being resentful and alienated in some cases. Here Tim basically treated his disability himself which is odd because it seems like it's set in current times and his public school SHOULD HAVE been able to diagnose and help Tim without putting him in special classes. Not knowing what the Oregon school system was like (Way this happened in 2021 the High School years happened in what maybe 2004? So not an era where resources were scarce for a kid like Tim who probably just needed a resource room and maybe a speech therapist to work around his problems.

But the complete lack of compassion for this kid by Tim's mother lead the reader to think how she became that way, how she got control of Tim's father ESPECIALLY in the cheating reveal scene at the parents' house where the Dad just shrugs his shoulder. Then the father dies off-camera doing work that Tim's Mother and Brother couldn't or would not do when he was forced out of the business to save his sanity. So yeah a lot of stuff happening here under the surface. While it might have been fun to watch Brittany squirm after Tim left her the true BTB was the mothers fate. She was truly a Mommie Dearest! :-)

9 pages yet I still feel underwhelmed.

No mention of Brittany, she just vanishes.

These sorts of story benefit hugely when the author conveys the mental state of the parties, in this kind of tale, some remorse and upset in her mind would have helped. As it was, she didn't suffer at all.

Story was good but it read more like a newspaper article than a story.

Yep l agree with Management91399 the mother was stone cold evil. I admit to despairing of the MC he just seemed so clueless. But l realise that would be a reality for a lot of people in this situation. Brittany was feckless, an utter emptyhead, the father a shell. Donovan was a hero.

Gumbo25 pulled it altogether well in the end and evil got its comeuppance and the MC won out on top.

Gumbo25 if all of your stories work out like this one you can write as long as you like. I enjoyed the journey.

Scores 5/5

These stories about beta-boys and their passive-aggressive behavior make me cringe.

Really good storytelling…Gumbo is one of the better writers we get to read on here.

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But….the story lacked…oomph. It was a strong 4 striving for a 5 leading up to the discovery of Brittany’s cheating…..then, the air seemed to go out of the plot. There was ZERO written about his divorce…in fact, did the story even mention it? All I can remember is how he quickly moved away to work for Roman’s relative. He never had any confrontation or explanation with Brittany…in fact, she almost disappeared from the story. He never had any real confrontation with his asshole brother, other than 2 brief 1 punch fights.

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Most disappointing was how he never tried to resolve or learn things from his Dad or Mom. WTF? I kept thinking that … this IS an LW story … that at some point we’d learn he was NOT his Dad’s biological son. Or something to explain him Mom’s obsession with Taylor over him. As to Mom….that bitch surely knew about favorite son banging second son’s wife! But since Tim never seemed to be curious about ANYTHING……

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Sigh….the final third of he story got boring, really. Yeah…Mom and Taylor got shit on…and fat Brittany apparently waddled off into the sunset somewhere. But the story that had a number of high value emotional conflict aspect leading up to the cheating revelation just died on the vine at that point.

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So….a solid 3 *** in the end….but coulda/shoulda been more.

Didn't care for what he did to his brother, but other than that a pretty good story. 3 hours from Redmond to Vancouver, is impossible! More like 4 hours and a little, and thats if you're pushing it. Also going from Redmond to Eugene is 2 1/2 hr. drive. Go party in Eugene and drive back? Not smart!.. Just sayin!

Hey, think I forgot to give this the 5 rating it deserved when I made my earlier comments (which began with..."Gumbo25 is one of our best active LW writers"). And reading through some of the other comments, I want to give props to Schwanze1, the Anonymous whose remarks began with "When Brittany didn't want to talk about her previous marriage to Donovan" and Powersworder, who all pointed out some disturbing aspects of Val's personality, most especially that scene at the bar where she tells Tim that had he fought the cowboy it would have been their last date. WTF? What if the cowboy wouldn't take no for an answer, thus forcing a fight? This is disturbing enough that I hereby retract my ending advise to Tim that he should pull the trigger with Val. Apparently more due diligence is appropriate. So maybe all the commentators suggesting there should be a sequel have it right. Oh, and another thing. BrentJW remembered what I did, only he didn't remember the name of the similar story. In my earlier comments, I'd identified that story as "Pheasant Construction" - and it's by the same author (Gumbo25). And lastly, those who bay for a final confrontation between Tim and Brittany should take heed of the (as usual) wise counsel from Legio_Patria_Nostra, whose comments are only superceded by his stories (when he forays into such).

As Tim was getting back into a relationship with the not-yet-divorced Brittany, I couldn't help think of George Santayana, who wouldn't have made the mistake of hooking up with and marrying her, remembering that "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

The rest of the story had little interest, at least for me.

been there done that i think even the title was the same lol

A very well written story about a group of highly unlikable people. 5*

You made Tim a "hero" for being dyslexic, then proceeded to turn him into a moron for ignoring everything that was going on in his marriage. Husbands don't ignore things like that, even if they trust their wives, and certainly not after growing up in such a dysfunctional family. His wife had a history of treating him shabbily; he would have checked things out from the beginning.

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By the time everything came to a head, I didn't really care about Tim anymore. The author wrote him as a spineless man who never had the gumption to even stand up to his evil mother, let alone his evil wife. Did you forget about the divorce? I remember reading about the marriage and honeymoon, but no divorce?

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I don't remember anything about it and it should have played a huge part of the story. After all, shouldn't she have gotten a part of the "family owned company", along with half his money? That would have been a huge and interesting conflict.

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Then, at the end, he sets a trap for his brother, I guess because he's too scared to face any of them, and starts dating another woman who cheerfully gives him orders and tells him how to behave. So I guess this doormat is going to eventually marry a woman just like his mom and Brittney. Oh well, he needs someone to lead him by the nose.

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It was still a good story, I rounded it up to 4 stars, but I ended up not caring about any of the characters. Every time he started asking tough questions, Brittany would flash her boobs, effectually stupefying Tim, who lost all reason and could do nothing but drop his pants and drool. He's so weak-minded, how could any of your readers care about him?

I think I need to stop reading stories on this site. I'm certain I've read this story before by another author. This one just has different names and places, but essentially the same thing. Younger, smaller brother, a 'bit of a loser' growing up with a somewhat hot girlfriend/wife. Big brother swoops in yada yada yada... and cue revenge plot. Nice writing so keep up the good work.

I enjoyed the story which was interesting and engaging. The MC took a ridiculously long time to confirm that his wife was cheating so that section was a bit tedious. I heartily support justword's

view that the guy would have been far more admirable if he hadn't descended to so much pointless and self-indulgent revenge. But pointless and self-indulgent revenge always gets high marks from the LW commentariat.

Great read. I just blew off half a day of work reading it. What a bunch of back-stabbing snakes. I fault the Dad for a lot of the bullshit, that he let go on because he let his evil wife dominate him, and mentally abuse one (really both) of his sons. everyone in the story except Roman, Val, and (maybe Donovan) have low character qualities. (laziness, favoritism, passivity, disloyalty, violence, deceitfulness)...painful, but Good read.

Ok, I gave it 5*, but really that was a stretch. Trim the fat in future please.

Well that went down a dark path! Did you EVER have him fill for a divorce from Brittany? I must have missed their divorce in all the words. And 25 years in construction is nothing. Try 40 being a lot. Composite decking IS crappy material. Try for a few less words next time.

The story is a bit long, but I recognize that I was warned of this fact in the author's foreword.

However, I do have this small bit of advice to offer.

Never make the lead-in to the real meat of the story so long, and the MC so stupid over that entire time, that the reader (that's me) begins to wish he could shoot the dumb SOB himself. The double-whammy this imparts to the story just may make it too difficult to redeem both the story and/or the MC.

In my case, it did.

Skipped to page 9 from page 3. Not sorry at all.

Good story, but you telegraphed every plot twist too early. Thanks for sharing.

Great story no real BTB here she burned herself as did the rest his family except for the father who was sort of keep the peace sort of person. Those who choose short cuts in life like the brother did in business rarely prosper. Work hard and do the right thing....

Val making time with a stranger while on a date. He sure knows how to pick them.

“ Here Tim basically treated his disability himself which is odd because it seems like it's set in current times and his public school SHOULD HAVE been able to diagnose and help Tim without putting him in special classes.”

Not true. My son has an LD called dysgraphia. We complained about his difficulty writing from early in elementary school, and all the school district would do is test his grip with an OT, and send him back to class. Finally, after some behavioral problems, we took him to a psychologist who diagnosed his problem. Other than offering extra time on some assignments, the school district never raised a finger to help. Actually, we felt like they were raising a different finger to us. And, in case you think this is an old issue and that times have changed, my son graduated from high school in 2014.

Good story till he confessed to his brother. What’s to stop his brother from getting a gun and shooting him. Val is still hanging with him ,why is that. No marriage in the works. You really want the police to start a investigation over the collapsed deck.stupid ending that could have ended much better

This was really a flawed story in so many aspects. Brittany the whore, the sucker punch at the bar .the set up for his brother to have a accident the confession to the brother. The lawyer whose deck was screwed up. Etc

Well written. I appreciated the lack of errors in grammar and spelling. My only complaint would be that despite the melodrama, the MC's pain was not delved into in a manner that would've capitalized on the horrors he was experiencing with his family. That deep pain is the touchstone of the best of the loving wives tales. 5⭐️s.

*4 but could have been a *5 with a little more BTB for Brittany. Tim did the full BTB with his brother and eventually with his Mom but Brittany got off with hardly any revenge. I agree with many of the commenters that Tim was not very strong in handling his family's dysfunction. He should have never trusted his Mom with the planning of the vacation but that marriage was already toast by the time Taylor showed up.

So many opportunities to make this a very good story. He suspected so much about B but did literally nothing about it. His mother treated him like a red headed stepchild-- why? Why did his Ex get off scott free? Lots of holes.... It could've been a 5, I gave it a 3 for having a flawed base story.

Despite a concerted effort on your part, the story arc was pretty predictable. It was a nice "fake" with Donovan in the middle, but I knew from the foreshadow in the airport where you were headed. I gave this 5*, but there were a couple "misses" that almost made me lower the score. Primarily, our hero was presented as an introspective person, almost to the extreme. However, he never did the obvious thing of asking Donovan early on, before he was formally in a relationship (like at closing on his house), what went wrong in his marriage. Later, there was another chance to ask that question after the miscommunication in Donovan's office. You "fixed it, sort of, by having Donovan come to him. Just pointing out your character would have figured things out much sooner had you not forced a preconceived plot line on him. LOL!

Good story, 5 stars though I think the story failed at really getting the revenge it set up. Taylor the brother was a d-bag but in some ways the mom was worse for allowing it to happen if not encouraging it and the ex was apparently a monster. Would have loved to see more of the mom at the end, see her realize just how badly she screwed up her life by treating her younger son so bad badly. Would have liked to see her try to reconcile with Tim just to save her own butt and get shot down hard. The ex I would have liked to see more of her seeing how she ruined her own life twice, both her ex's happily married and her with a self centered cripple and his overbearing mother. Still enjoyable I just think the story focused far too much on the brother.

A nice story where Tim got exactly what he deserved. If someone is so stupid to let others dance around on them for months, then there is no help. That he still got his retribution was only possible through a criminal act. What he reproached his brother and mother, he even then carried through to the bitter end. I would advise Val to distance himself from this man! Anyone who accepts the death or very serious injuries of someone else so carelessly is more than questionable in terms of character.

Good story and I loved the ending. I was disappointed that it took Tim so long to figure things out. His mom was a BITCH.

Nicely done. Enjoy the Good Guys coming out on top. Too often in real life that is not the case. 5*s. Thanks for sharing.

This is a good story.

I see that lots of readers have advice on what you could’ve done better. There were two things I struggled with. Early on we got the same description of the family land with a big house and a little house and so forth twice, as if you didn’t realize that you’d told us before. Something similar happened with all the repeated times that the family began treating him like a an employee again— if they keep doing it, they can’t begin to do it again. Second, I tired of all the times that he became worried and then set it aside and became worried and said it aside and became worried and set it aside. Maybe this is the same as my first concern: the same thing happens again and again and again—more than is necessary to make a good story and actually too many times for a great story. There is a difference between repetition and development of the story. I don’t know how you work, but you might try letting a story sit for a couple weeks and then read it again and see if you don’t notice if you’re covering the same round more than once; either that, or try to recruit some beta readers. You write well; you could write even better.

A very good story that I enjoyed greatly. LP

what an excellent story. I've suffered family betrayal myself and can emphasize with Tim. Five stars without question.

"No false modesty." You used that phrase repeatedly, but I don't think it was what you wanted to say.

Good read for the good guy wins in the end…. But….. why didnt we hear about the hotness of Valeria?? What a great name. Topless by the pool…. Left us hangin there.

This was a wonderful read, a favorite and 5 stars.

Good story! Little rough on brother but livable.

Family dynamics are complex. I feel sad that the father was such weak tea and didn’t support his younger son. The mother is portrayed as a bad one. In “Mother 101” you learn the magic phrase “I love all my children equally” and the farther you stray from that, the worse a parent that you are. Of course, the giant chip on the shoulder of our protagonist might be partly of his own making. In stories on this site we often read of a instance of infidelity earlier in a relationship that comes back to bite a spouse in the ass, and this one was very well told. The evasiveness was well done, and we don’t really see a pathetic wife till near the end. Kudos for not drawing her too one-dimensional. Large boobs are a burden in all sorts of ways.

Very entertaining story written by an excellent author.

Living Well?

A person who has his family live near them in misery so they can gloat is not living well. They are prisoners of their past.

Sure we can see that the character Tim enjoyed eating his bitter vengeance, maybe even gorging himself about his one up man ship, not very nice, two wrongs do not make a right. This would have worked better had he extended the hand of compassion to his mother and brother (who incidentally he crippled) they did not have to fall about in arms of forgiveness and wads of cash but hey it's your story a good read lousy morals all round. four stars

It was a good story, but I love the way Brittany fucked over the dumb shits who were too blinded by her tits to see the monster who carried those tits. Any man that stupid deserves to get ass fucked by the whore he thinks he owns. She owned all of them, and she will continue to own more fools as the opportunity presents itself. And just to prove the MC is still a dumb shit cuck, he let a new girl friend chastise him for telling some asshole bar hound to fuck off? She doesn't want a man who is willing to fight for her? He needs to drop that bitch ASAP. She needs some tree hugging SNAG to kiss her ass and do all the PC virtue signalling she sees from the Hollywood and political elites. God this guy is mentally dysfunctional in more ways than one.

Why would he even let his mother and asshole brother live anywhere near him? Oh, to make his suffer? Well the dumb shit just gave his brother a new hobby to pursue. People in wheel chairs can fire a rife just fine. Who do you think his brother is going to kill before he kills himself, now that he has a motive and the capability? In a perfect world he will kill his mother and Brittany too, or at least cripple them. Gees, I hope that doesn't upset you. Even though, thanks for the effort.

Sounds just like my dysfunctional family... and the insanity just keeps going round and round... until someone decides to leave and get help to find their way out of the rabbit hole... Timmy boy did not and will continue to reap the consequences of his rage and pain... the family still living on his property is an apt metaphor of their craziness still living inside his head.

Tim making it clear to Taylor that he was involved in the deck collapse was foolhardy hubris. One thing a man in a wheelchair can still do is operate a firearm. Tim caused Taylor to lose his legs, his job and his woman. He had little to lose by being incarcerated for Tim's murder.

The character of Tim is just as bad as his brother.

NOT JUST BURN THE BITCH, BUT THE WHOLE SORRY-ASSED FAMILY! I LOVED IT...FIVE STARS!

Bit too much backstory. Whole thing felt overlong. Agree with Anon below about not calling in Taylor. Do find it fitting that Momis stuck caring for her "fair-haired boy".

☆☆☆☆

Good story, but the main character really was painted a wimp. He never did up to anyone until it all collapsed. And even at the end he never really told any of them about why they were garbage. Even his zinger insults were kind of weak

Probably many readers, like me, identify with the protagonist. When the author makes him out to be a vengeful ass hole--whatever the provocation--the story becomes far less enjoyable. never mind the I/me and lie/lay/laid problems

I enjoyed the story, could have been shorter by dropping some of the history! Great burn on "the family"! I would have preferred some heavier burn on Brittany, too!

The main character is a loser that deserves what happened to him. He kept ignoring his gut because of a huge set of tits?! And how fucking arrogant is it to just assume that the ex cheated, and not her?? Not getting that cleared up alone makes him unlikable, let alone with him attacking the wrong guy like a jackass.

He should not marry Val.The ultimatum she gave him when he defended her against the cowboy,should have been enough to part company with her.

Great story. 5*

Overall liked a lot about it. The lack of confronting Brittany over her inability to be faithful was a bother. Likewise, Val's cowboy friend interaction was a real "wait, what?" event. I get that he might have just slid into the booth past the guy and relayed his news to her. But after the guy confronted him, why not ask Val, "Is that true, Val? Did I interrupt something? I can leave, if that's what you want."

Great story! Why did Val not want him to fight for her and hadn't he had enough domineering women in his life. Maybe she expected him to say excuse me to the Cowboy walk away. Other than that, great story!

You are a good writer, but you said in the story that you will learn later when your relationship with his brother started. you forgot that part

Liked the story overall follows a well worn path but the build up to the inevitable concluson fell flat for me. Seemed to give hints of payback to come but nothing towards the wife at all. The end seemed rushed given the time spent on the build up.

Loved it... Thanks for sharing!

Some years ago I read a story called Pheasant Construction. In this story the MCs mentor/ builder took MC and wife on a trip to Mexico not Hawaii and MC also boobytrapped a poorly built deck and sent builder to his death. The builder was also screwing MCs wife. Probably a coincidence.

well written, but about 5-1/2 pages to long.

I know just how he felt good story (jaybee186)

I enjoyed this story, 5*, as much as I did Pheasant Construction (also by Gumbo25). I'm not about to complain about the reuse of a plot devise in a free story. Hell, how many times has "strange car in the driveway" or "Wife dressed to the 9's going out on a 'date'"? That's just my opinion, and, opinions are like assholes in that everyone has one.

kind of too long and I guessed that his brother would try to take Brittany away as he was an asshole. Think his "punishment" was a bit too severe, maybe just buy the company out from under them, maybe catching him cheating on Brittany or her on him, etc. no need to paralyze him. Thanks for the info on the Historic Lodge and Fall, quite impressive. Think I would have canceled the Hawaii trip once "Mom" took control of it.