Fathers, Brothers, and Sons

Neither of us spoke, until I could finally ask, in a raspy voice filled with unimaginable pain at the magnitude of her betrayal, "Why?"

Her gaze remained steadfastly away from mine. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Luke. I... He was dying. And I was so... the depression, it was crushing me. I couldn't be home with Julie. I couldn't be home with you. And every time I was there, I felt... disconnected. I felt guilty for not being home, and then when I was home, I felt guilty for not feeling-- not feeling the connection that you and I had before she was born. And then, and then not feeling the connection with Julie.

"And Jake... I loved him. I'd always loved him. He was my first love, I--"

"What?!"

She glanced at me for just a moment, the fear back in her eyes, then looked away again. "Jake was handsome and kind. He saved me when mom died. And I was a teenaged girl when we first met; I was fourteen and he was seventeen, a quarterback headed for what everyone was sure would be a college and then pro career. And he was so sweet to me; not in a romantic way, but just as a good person. I was... well, I was just a girl, and I developed a crush on him, and then when our parents died, he was all I had left. I fell in love with him."

I was going to be sick. "And you and he...?"

"No!" Alli's gaze snapped instantly back to me, alarm on her face. "No, not at all. I told him, and he responded like... well, like a grownup would. He was flattered, but he encouraged me to find someone else. Someone more appropriate. It hurt, but I knew, later on, that he was right. There was never... he and I were just brother and sister. Nothing more than that. Not until... until later."

She sighed. "He gave up so much for me, Luke. He always supported me, financially and emotionally." Her hand started to reach out for me, but then stopped and withdrew; my disgusted expression made it clear that her touch was the last thing I wanted. Quietly, Alli said, "He introduced me to you. That... More than anything, that was the best thing he ever did for me. He was my first love, but you are the love of my life."

There was nothing but rancor in my voice. "Funny fucking way to show it."

Tears dripped onto her skirt as she looked down. "I know. I'm so sorry. I can't... There are no words that can tell you how sorry I am for hurting you."

I scoffed, "Whatever. So you fucking loved him, but you married me, the--" My voice turned mocking and sing-song. "--'love of your life,' and then what? Decided, what, you'd get one fuck in with the first guy that got your panties moist before he shuffled off this mortal coil? Had to find out what you missed out on by marrying your stupid loving nerd husband?"

Her shoulders were drawn in as she sobbed, "No! It wasn't like... That wasn't what happened. He..." She looked up at me, experimentally, as if gauging my anger. "You remember how disappointed he was when he didn't make the NFL. Jake didn't take it as badly as Evan did, but it still hurt. But he picked himself up and went on. Started his business, got engaged to Jennifer, and... well, you remember."

Alli swallowed. "Then the cancer came, and his business failed, because he wasn't able to take care of it. And then that fucking bitch left him because she couldn't deal; that was what really killed him, I think.

"He was so... just destroyed by that. Evan had moved away, we had moved away, he had no other close relatives, and then she just walked out the door. He was so alone. And-- and you remember how Jake was. How he had wanted so badly to leave some kind of a legacy, even at that age. And he was going to have nothing to show except..."

She looked away. "I was in an especially bad place that visit. You and I had been fighting, and Julie acted like I was some stranger whenever I came home, and I was deep in my depression, and work was..." Alli shook her head. "When Jake started to cry one night, after he'd had something to drink-- too much to drink-- and talked about how he'd never have kids of his own, how he'd never leave anything behind... Well, I'd been drinking a lot, too. And I just..."

Her voice was tight, like she was only barely able to speak, like she had to force herself to. "It made perfect sense to my drunken, depressed mind. I couldn't save him, like he had done for me. He had given me everything: a home, an education..."

Alli completely faltered for a moment, before quietly, mournfully saying, "... My husband." Then she pushed on again, as if she needed to finally be free of her secret. "And I'd been able to do almost nothing for him but sit and watch as he died. But I could give him just a legacy, a child of his own."

I shouted, "You did this on purpose!?"

Alli flinched away, but looked straight at me. "That's how it started, yes. I'm so sorry, Luke; it made sense at the time, if only for that night. But then I woke up the next morning, sober and hungover, and by the light of day I realized how insane the idea was. And Jake was ashamed, too, that he'd betrayed you like that. You two were never as close as him and Evan, but I know he loved you, and--"

"Oh, fucking clearly! He fucked my wife, and he never said anything about it, and-- "

In almost a whisper, Allison said, "I told him you were okay with it."

"WHAT?!"

She closed her eyes, whether because she couldn't stand the pain she was inflicting by saying that or she couldn't bear the shame of looking at me, I've never been certain. "I told him that, after he slept, I called you and confessed. Told him that you were so, so angry, but that you ultimately understood it was just a drunken mistake, and that if I got pregnant, you'd still take care of his child."

"You. Fucking. BITCH!"

Eyes screwed tighter than ever, Alli responded, "Yes. I am. I know I am. I'm so sorry." She swallowed again and continued. "I told him that you only requested that he never mention it to anyone, including you. And then I told him that I was going to go home and make it up to you; he understood what I meant by that, that if I did get pregnant, it could be either his or yours. He understood why I needed to do that."

"I sure as shit don't."

Allison picked her words carefully, eying me as she did so. "It was, for him, a respect thing. He respected that you'd given him one more chance at his legacy. For me, it was a panicked, desperate hope that I wasn't already pregnant and that I could give you another child instead.

"I was so completely despondent, out of my mind with PPD and guilt over what I'd done and panic at what could happen if you found out. The idea of taking Plan B didn't even occur to me until after you and I had our three day weekend. And then... and then I hoped that you had gotten me pregnant. But if you had-- and I hoped so much that you had!-- I couldn't take Plan B. There was no way I could take a chance that I'd get rid of your child. I was stuck."

My head was killing me, and I began to rub my temples. Alli continued softly, "When I went back to see Jake again, I had a nervous breakdown in the hallway of his treatment center. His doctor-- do you remember Dr. Bates?"

I let out a short, sharp laugh. "Yeah. He was one of my suspects."

There was the ghost of a smile on her face after I said that, the kind that one has when they know they shouldn't smile because of the gravity of a situation, but can't help anyways. "Eric was gay."

So much for the great detective. "Anyways. Breakdown?"

She nodded, smile gone again. "I... honestly, I was so despondent over what I'd done that I considered killing myself. I was a terrible wife and mother and sister and..." Alli sighed, "Eric saw me crying and took me into his office.

"Dr. Bates was... he was always very kind. Great bedside manner. And I told him about... well, about everything except what I'd done that night, and he referred me to a specialist in postpartum depression. She referred me to one in our city, and that's how I started meeting with Dr. Brandt."

I vaguely remembered her therapist. We'd met a couple of times to talk about how I could support Alli through her PPD. "Support her." What a joke. What support did I get? I'd supported her as best I could, and this is how she... Wait.

I felt a sudden shiver. "Did she know what you did?"

Alli turned her face away once more and nodded. "She did. We talked about how to handle it, about how you'd respond, how it would affect my recovery, about... about a lot of things. She advised me to tell you, but I knew..." A quick glance at me, then away. "I knew you'd never forgive me. If I told you, it would have destroyed you and our marriage and our family. And... and at that point, I didn't know that Travis was Jake's biological son. I still wanted to believe he was yours."

My eyes narrowed. "Wanted to believe, or did believe?"

Her shoulders rose and fell in a tired shrug. "I don't know. Believed for... for a while. Until after I stopped seeing Anne-- Dr. Brandt. The odds were in my favor, you know? That weekend we got back together, you came in me like a dozen times, remember?"

I did. It had been a great weekend. But now I knew that it was driven by her guilt, and that it hadn't been the occasion of Travis's conception. Instead, those three days were a desperate and failed attempt to paper over her infidelity. That fact made me look back at our time together during that "great" weekend in a new and entirely unfavorable light.

"When did you know that he wasn't my son?"

Alli's brows knit together, and that fucking oh-so-reasonable, we-can-find-a-solution mediator voice returned. "He is your son, Luke. He's-- "

"Stop! Stop trying to make this better, Alli! You can't. He's not my son. I raised him, but he's your son, not mine."

"Of course he is!"

"Bullshit. He's my stepson."

She gasped, "You can't mean that!"

My lip curled. "Yes, I do! Biologically, he's my wife's son but not mine. That, by definition, makes him my stepson. I didn't adopt him; you just tricked me into believing I was his father. Travis. Is. Not. My. Son. I've treated him that way because I believed he was, but that doesn't make it true. And, yeah, maybe my name is on the birth certificate, but I can have that changed."

Alli started to cry again. "Please, Luke. Please don't do that. Please, I'm begging you."

I just rolled my eyes. "He's going to find out eventually."

"Why?" It came out as a strangled cry.

"For fuck's sake, Alli! Why do you think? I'm not just going to... God, did you think I'd find out and go, 'Welp, guess I'm just a cuck, gonna keep on cuckin' on. Herp derp, guess I'll just keep raising someone else's son! Yup, I should just keep the bitch's secret and hope she appreciates it! Maybe she won't fuck anyone else if I'm nice about it!'"

She shouted, "I've never fucked anyone else! I messed up! I know that! But don't take it out on him just because I hurt you!"

I shouted right back. "And when we get divorced, Alli, what are you going to tell him?! What about the rest of the kids?! Am I going to be the bad guy? Are we getting divorced because we 'drifted apart' and I wouldn't try to keep us together? Will that be your story?"

"Luke, please! I don't want to get divorced! I want to be with you for the rest of my life!"

"And I wanted to have a faithful wife and a son, and now I have neither."

"But you do! I'm sorry, Luke, I made a mistake, but I've never--!"

"I don't know that! I CAN'T know that!" I was on my feet, roaring at her as she cowered. "You fucked another man! Even if you've been faithful since then, so what? If I had gone out and fucked another woman when you were so depressed that you barely let me touch you for a year, would you consider me faithful? Huh?! We both know you wouldn't!

"And I don't know that you haven't cheated since! You've been lying to me about one thing for sixteen years, how do I know you haven't had a string of lovers since then? How do I know you haven't picked a guy up in a hotel bar every time you've traveled and fucked him while laughing about your poor, stupid, loyal cuck husband back at home? I don't!"

She sobbed, "I would never do that to you!"

"But I. Can't. Know. THAT!" My body shook with fury and sorrow. "I can't even believe that you wouldn't! Belief requires trust, and I don't trust you anymore! So, no, I don't have a faithful wife. And I don't have a son, either! Just a stepson. Just this..."

I balled up my fists and hissed through gritted teeth, "Just this goddamned living, breathing monument to your infidelity! Every time I look at him there's this... this thing that used to be my son, but now he isn't, and he can't ever be. And it's not his fucking fault, or mine, so that only leaves you! You fucking took him from me, and I hate you!

"You stole my son, even my chance at having a son from me, Alli! YOU did that! I wanted a son and a daughter, and you've given me a stepson and two daugh--"

A puzzle piece slammed into place with a sickening thud, and I suddenly felt cold and sick as I whispered, "Megan was supposed to be my son."

My darling wife, the woman who'd invited another man to cuckold me, was once more unable to meet my gaze. I continued, voice sounding as dead as I felt inside. "Travis was three. You realized then, didn't you? That he wasn't mine. You didn't just want one more child like you'd said; you realized you'd stolen my chance at having a son, and you couldn't stand the guilt."

Another unhappy nod from her-- such a worthless gesture of remorse-- made me seethe, "And so you thought, what, you'd give me one more shot? Maybe the cuck would win the coin flip this time? Did you give me even that much of a chance, or did you go find some other poor doomed loser to fuck first? Maybe Evan?"

"How dare you!" She was on her feet now, too, shouting as I had been. "I love you! Fucking Jake is the biggest regret of my life. I never cheated on you before that, and I have never, ever cheated on you since then! I will never cheat on you again! And even if you were dead and gone, I'd never have a damned thing to do with your brother!"

Another puzzle piece clicked, and a new, painful fragment of knowledge revealed itself to me. "... Except share a secret with him. Right?"

Her face fell, and her body soon followed, slumping back down onto the edge of the couch. "I didn't tell him. I promise." She saw me start to speak and glumly headed me off. "Jake told him, I think. I don't know for sure; he's never come right out and said it, but he's given... hints, I guess, that he knew. 'Do you think he'll be as athletic as his dad?' 'I wonder where he got that throwing arm from?' Never... never an outright accusation. Just a little bit of cruelty. I don't know why, just..." She chuckled humorlessly. "Evan's always been a dick. I don't know why Jake thought I'd like him."

"Maybe he thought you deserved each other." Alli didn't rise to the insult; I think she'd lost any will to defend herself. Perhaps she even agreed, now that it was all in the open.

My adrenaline ran out. Not my rage; there was still plenty to be angry about, and plenty to be decided, but I suddenly couldn't sustain the necessary energy. The magnitude of what had been done to me finally hit, and it was just too much. I flopped down on the couch even as my mind kept reeling at everything I'd learned. What Alli had done, of course, and Jake, and that whole fucking mess. But my brother... yeah, he was an asshole, but to know and not say anything? Why?

And... God, I'd planned for so many eventualities, but not this one. Travis was going to have to know eventually, but how was I supposed to tell him? "Oh, your dad is actually your uncle, but don't worry. He's really your step-uncle, so you're only morally the product of incest, not legally. Lucky you, champ!"

If I divorced Allison, it was all going to come out eventually, and probably in the worst way possible. We could try to hide it, but "we just grew apart" is something parents with kids in college can get away with, not ones that have a kid just barely out of grade school. Especially not ones that until a week previous had been so happy with each other that their kids pointed at their marriage as better than any of their friends' parents'.

The inevitable "why" reaction to a sudden divorce would be followed by either another blatant lie to cover up for Alli or the awful truth. And that would have killed Travis. Maybe literally; he was so sensitive. God, I couldn't stand it if he hurt himself-- or worse-- because of this.

There was no way that we could tell him, "We're splitting up because your mom cheated on me, and you're not my biological son, and I can't trust her anymore," without him hearing it as, "We're getting divorced because of you," no matter how good a headshrinker we got him. Not at fifteen years old. And that was without "oh, and you're the product of pseudo-incest with your dead step-uncle." Maybe, maybe he'd be able to handle learning this when he was old enough for college. Maybe.

Megan was just old enough to kind of understand divorce, but she'd want to know who was to blame. At that age, that's just how they think. Tweens have no real capacity for nuance, and she'd want to pick a side. It would almost certainly be mine, but when she found out the truth about Travis? She definitely wouldn't be on his side, at all. Eventually, she'd "forgive" him, but the fact that she'd see it as something she needed to forgive him for... yeah, that was going to turn nasty. Maybe enough to irrevocably damage their relationship.

Julie, well, she was old enough that she'd be in college soon, and old enough to get pretty much everything. Probably wouldn't even be mad at Travis, just try to comfort him and assure him that none of it was his fault. That was about the only bright spot out of all of it; I was sure she'd be able to handle it. Her age and maturity meant that... meant that...

Damn it.

Damn it damn it damn it--

"DAMN IT!" Alli jumped at my sudden shout. I stood, furious again, realizing that I'd stumbled onto what I was going to have to do for my family and hating it. I guess there was a little adrenaline left after all, because I was shaking with rage once more.

As I stalked to the door and grabbed my keys and wallet from the tray next to it, Alli trailed behind, asking all sorts of stupid questions. I finally wheeled around and growled, "I'm going out. We'll talk tomorrow. Don't be in my fucking bed when I get home." And then I was gone.

She texted me, of course. Ping after ping after goddamned ping chimed on my phone. She tried to call, and I let it go to voicemail over and over. I almost threw the damn thing out the window, but instead simply silenced it and drove. Thank God I'd only had the one glass of wine, and that it had burned off by then; my driving was already impaired enough by the tears blurring my vision.

I didn't drive anywhere specific, just making circuits around town and out into the surrounding countryside. I was reminded of Travis when he was a baby, how he couldn't sleep and how I'd drive him around for hours while singing lullabies. That way Alli could get some rest in between the nightly cluster feedings when he was... God, when he was so tiny. I had loved him so much. Still loved him. Loved all of my kids.

That was when I couldn't drive anymore, when I had to pull into a parking lot to break down and cry. It wasn't fucking fair. I'd been a good husband and father. I'd done everything I was supposed to, I'd seen her through her fucking depression and her brother's death and I raised our kids while she traveled and it just wasn't fair it wasn't fair it wasn't goddamned fair!

Of course it wasn't. Life's not fair. For a while, though, it had been good, and now all of that was tainted by what she'd done and how she'd hidden it from me.

But I loved my kids, and I was going to do what was best for them.