Fathers, Brothers, and Sons

She pulled my hand towards her lips and kissed it softly. "And that's why I understand, as best I can. Because I'll never really get how much I hurt you. I've tried, I really have; that 'bank robbery' analogy you made for Travis was really good. But there's so much more to it than that. I know that.

"PPD is in the DSM-V. It's recognized by any legitimate psychologist, so common that it's part of the standard protocol for postpartum care now." Alli frowned unhappily. "There's not a name for what I did to you, or if there is, I never found it.

"But I drove you crazy. I don't mean that in the silly pop culture way. You acted like a completely different person. I stole something vital from you; not just your son, but your sense of... of reality, I guess. Of what you could and couldn't trust. It's as simple as that.

"You had given up all other women for me, and part of that bargain was that I would give up all other men for you, only ever carry your child inside me. And I failed in the worst way possible, and I lied to you, and I betrayed you. And, yes, I had my reasons, although they weren't good ones, for all of the things I did. But I still did them.

"I could never fully understand how much it hurt you. A woman... short of something bizarre like amnesia or a baby swapped at birth, there's never going to be a woman who has to worry about her husband presenting another woman's child as hers. It's ludicrous to even conceive of it.

"I did something to you that you could never do to me, and even if it wasn't done in malice-- which it wasn't-- it was still a terrible thing that I did to you. And... and it was something I could never help you heal from, precisely because I could only ever 'understand' it in superficial ways, from the outside looking in."

There were tears on her cheeks. "You came back to me. You found your way back. You did what you needed to rebuild your trust in me. Did what you needed to... to feel less hurt. And you never threw it in my face. You didn't point at Alexander and Cynthia and lord it over me, didn't ask me to help raise them, didn't mock me or try to hurt me.

"It was a thing you did for you, so that you could heal. It wasn't intended as a thing you did to hurt me. It wasn't cruel or malicious. That's why I can cope with it. It hurts, but even knowing how much it hurts me? I know it's nothing compared to how much I hurt you, and my act wasn't malicious either. It was something I did because I couldn't cope with my PPD and my grief. I was literally crazy when I did it. And I think you were, too."

She wiped her tears away. "I can't pretend to understand why you did it. 'It's a guy thing' is so reductive, but how I hurt your... sense of masculinity, I guess, it's just not something I can understand. You might be able to explain it to me, but I'm not asking you to try. Just know that... that I accept it. I accept you. You forgave me, and I'm so, so grateful. But what I'm telling you is this: there's nothing for me to forgive."

Allison stroked my cheek once more. "But I need to know. Was that it? Are those your only other children? The... the only time you were with other women?"

I nodded. "It was. I... You're right. I didn't set out to do it, but..." A deep sigh as I collected my thoughts. "I was forty-two, and I wasn't sure if we were going to make it. Wait, no, that's not true. I expected we weren't going to make it. But even if we didn't, I was too old to raise another kid. I knew that, even if I hadn't had a vasectomy, the math just didn't work.

"Even if I'd divorced you the second you got home from your trip and immediately started looking for someone else, it'd be, say, two years from dating to marriage. And even if we started having kids straight away, I'd have been in my mid-60s by the time the first one graduated from high school. And I'd still have Megan and Travis and Julie to take care of; it's not like I was going to abandon them."

I shook my head. "I hadn't planned on doing anything, but I felt so... so trapped. Angry. If I did what I knew was right for my family, it would be even longer, and I'd never... I had wanted a son so badly. Most guys do. And you're right, having that stolen... no, not just stolen from me, but being... replaced, I guess, by another man. Tricked. That really fucked me up."

A sip of my drink steadied my nerves a bit; I hadn't realized that I'd been clenching my jaw. "When I became friends with Isabella and Janine, and they told me that they were thinking of IVF, I realized I had a chance to... I don't know." A self-deprecating chuckle. "Ensure my legacy. Get revenge. Give them their dream." I looked away.

Alli laughed. "Fuck a beautiful young woman?"

That made me laugh, too. "I hadn't intended to, actually." She looked unconvinced. "No, seriously. They approached me about it; they were good friends by then, and they knew what... well, what you'd done. And they thought I was smart and kind and handsome--"

"God, you are." There was no sarcasm there. She was being as sincere as I'd ever seen her. I kissed her hand before continuing.

"So I got my vasectomy reversed. I told you I'd gone mountain biking and had hurt myself, so we couldn't... anyways. There was a chance it wasn't going to work, but by the time the doctors tested my sperm, I was back to nearly 100%. Plenty, ah, virile enough for their needs. And, well..."

She smiled. "Isabella thought you were handsome. You had already gotten so fit by then." Another laugh. "You were so fucking hot by then. Are still so fucking hot."

"It was partially that; Isabella was honest about it, that she wanted to... She's bi, and Janine didn't mind if she indulged with a guy every once in a while, and there was nothing wrong with my sperm, so they could save thousands of dollars by just... not going through IVF. And..." My voice was tight. "I didn't think you and I were going to make it. And you'd already cheated on me, so what did it matter, right?" Alli nodded, sympathetic, but also still hurt. "I'm sorry, sweetheart."

She sniffled, but then just said, "I'm not. I am not. You came back to me. You came back. How doesn't matter." Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand again, she said, "But Isabella didn't have a son."

"Yeah. And Janine... well, she really wanted to experience motherhood after Isabella had. And while she really is a true blue lesbian, she's not... she doesn't hate men. She's just not attracted to them. But Isabella was willing to, ah, keep her wife's mind off of things, and they were able to skip IVF again. And then Alexander was born."

"And you had a son."

"Yeah. But... but that was bittersweet, too. He was my son, but he wasn't my son. Travis is... I raised him. He's my son, even if he isn't my blood. But Alexander... in some ways that hurts worse. He's my blood, but I won't really get to raise him. I'll get to help, but like an uncle. I won't see his first steps or hear his first words. I won't... Well, you understand.

"That's when my fever broke, I guess you could say. I had two sons that both weren't fully mine; I had made things worse instead of better. I was glad-- still am glad-- to have helped them. To have..." I chuckled. "Reasserted my masculinity or whatever."

"Banged two hot chicks?" Her voice was teasing, but not angry. I raised an eyebrow. "Luke, if that's all it had taken to keep us together, I would have arranged a reverse gangbang with a college cheerleading squad for you. I was serious that I would do anything to keep you as my husband." I opened my mouth, but she shot me a playful glare. "Too late, mister. We're already back. You had your chance."

I shrugged. "Can't blame me for trying. But no. I'm glad that I did what I did, because I don't think I'd have been able to stay with you if I hadn't done... something. It just hurt too much, not only what you'd done and the lying, but what... what I didn't get to do. What I lost. But if my, ah, helping them out also ended up being the reason that we split, because you couldn't handle it... I don't know. I'm glad I don't have to face that, too."

"No! No, you don't. But... you're done, right? It was just Janine and Isabella? No one else?"

"Yeah, I'm done. Only you, for years now. And just them before that, and only enough to... well, to get the job done." She smiled happily. "But... now that you know everything, I want to talk to Isabella and Janine and see if they're okay with me being... more involved with the kids, I guess? Is that okay? I won't--"

Another sweet kiss from her interrupted me. "I'd love that. They're your children; I want to watch them grow. You're such a great dad, and I know you'll be an amazing 'uncle.'" Then she got a mischievous grin on her face. "Is that why you insisted on the condoms?"

"Not at first. I really was mad, and I didn't trust you. And then I wasn't sure if we were going to make it, but even if we did, I knew we shouldn't have more kids at our age. And then..."

The mischievous grin turned into a wicked smile. "And then it just didn't matter anymore, right? Once you couldn't knock me up?"

"Hah, yeah."

Alli scooted closer and purred, "You know, if you'd told me before, there were... other options." She took my hand and moved it to her ass while straddling me. "All sorts of other options."

A quick move of my fingertips under her panties and between the cleft of her cheeks made her eyes flash. "Are those options still on the menu?"

My wife leaned forward and sucked gently at my neck, then whispered into my ear, "Why don't we go upstairs, and maybe you can pick a little from column A and a little from column B?"

Well, how was I supposed to say no to that?

With no more secrets between us, our love blossomed again. It was, if anything, stronger than it had been before; bittersweet, perhaps, but it had withstood tests that we knew most marriages never could. We were fiercely loyal to each other, but also able to be honest about insecurities and fears and, yes, even temptations in a way that most couples are never able to, because we knew the cost of losing trust in one another.

Travis eventually did confide in his sisters about what Allison had done, with all of us in attendance. There was stunned silence and tears at first, but when it became clear that their mother and I had gotten through it, they were able to as well. And all of them learned about their half-siblings at the same time; Janine and Isabella had given me permission to tell my children, although I didn't tell them the, ah, mechanics of how I'd impregnated my friends. That was a secret shared between the four of us.

Allison and I became the de facto babysitters for Cynthia and Alexander. We loved having them in our home, and sometimes Janine and Isabella needed some grownup time; I'd be lying if I said I wasn't occasionally wistful about the fleeting instances when I'd joined them in said grownup time years before, but Alli more than made up for any regret once the little ones were back with their mothers. Much, much more than.

Cynthia and Alexander turned out to be good practice for how to handle grandkids. Good thing, too. Julie was married not long after she graduated college to the young man she'd brought home from school that one Thanksgiving break, and she gave us twin grandsons within a couple of years.

That was the pattern of our lives: a child graduated from college, and within a few years, we would have more little ones running around underfoot. By the time Alexander had earned his degree, we had seven grandchildren running around underfoot, and he added his two to the mix within a few years after that. Our twilight years were filled with more joy and love than many people see in their whole lives. Some of how we had gotten there was awful, but we had gotten there. And in the end, it's the love and joy that we want to remember, isn't it?

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That was pretty heavy, huh? How about a nice, light, funny story to cleanse your palate? I'm going to suggest one by ThatNewGuy. He's no stranger to Loving Wives, having written a few entries here. But for today, take a look at What Dreams May Come, which had me laughing out loud in several places. No spoilers, just go read it. Hell, go read all of his stuff, even if it's not in a category you usually read. They're all great.

In the near future, I'm going to be recommending more writers here that I think you'd enjoy, mostly but not entirely folks that don't currently have any/many works in Loving Wives. They're authors that I enjoy and think deserve more attention. If you can suggest anyone that you believe fits the bill, go ahead and send me feedback!