Faultless

We walked the short distance back to her family house in silence. When we got there, she smiled and then pulled me into a hug.

"Don't go getting any ideas and squeezing my bum," she quipped in a whisper close to my ear.

"Damn," I said, trying to be playful too but not meaning it. "But I'm so sorry. You're seeing someone, that was such a stupid thing to do."

"Don't worry about it," she said again, a small reassuring smile on her lips. "I won't tell him cause you'd probably kick his arse anyway."

"Well, you do pick some jerks," I offered. Her smile grew and she clubbed my arm, her eyes shining brightly.

_

Looking at those eyes now, I could tell things had changed for me. I was relieved, to tell you the truth. Yes, I still found her attractive in a way I hadn't until that switch had flicked but that was all it was now. No deep longing, no stupid feelings. Just an appreciation for how good looking my ex-best friend was. That in itself was still pretty bad but not as bad as I was worried it might have been.

Lily stood tall despite her obvious fatigue, her posture straight and perfect. Her long body seemed to be thinner than I remembered. She was always fit and lean, I could tell that was still the case. Her attractive face was enhanced only by the slightest bit of makeup, suitably dark for the occasion. With her natural tan, high cheekbones and dark hair, she was stunningly good looking. Her outgoing and friendly nature, enhanced by learning from Catherine and the way she treated people on a daily basis, only aided her appeal.

Lily turned to me as I moved within reaching distance. We hugged, my arms wrapping around her more bulkily than they once did. It felt awkward, given our last interaction and I always knew it would.

"Thank you for coming," she said into my shoulder. "How did you know?"

"Dave saw it on Facebook and told me," I said by way of explanation.

She pulled away at that point and looked at me in suspicion. "So, he gets to call you and the rest of us don't?"

Just then, Sharon, who had seemingly been paying attention to our conversation, let out a gasp of surprise that stopped my reply.

"Oh my God, Mike?" she said loudly.

I smiled over at her, separating from Lily and leaning across. The older man who had been speaking to Sharon, stepped back slightly. I wasn't huge by any means - 5'11 and now pretty well-built but I was intimidating enough without meaning to be. Sharon hugged me this time. She moved me on, promising to speak to me later. I had just enough time to agree and then Lily was pulling me aside.

"You're coming to the Wake, right?"

"Absolutely, I'll get a taxi over."

She shook her head. "No way, I'll get you in a car, just give me a minute."

"Honestly, it's fine," and then I conceded under her look, "okay, fine." I was stubborn but not stupid - I couldn't upset her on the day of her grandmother's funeral.

Lily turned back to the crowd but before she could get away, I took hold of her arm gently, feeling the smooth fabric of her black dress. She spun back obligingly with a small smile.

"I'm so sorry for your loss Lil," I whispered.

Her smile held but I saw her eyes start to water and she turned away without response. My reappearance had clearly thrown her, adding yet more emotion to the day.

I found myself walking towards a car with one of Sharon's younger cousins. It was a family of four and I saw that the daughter, a gorgeous blonde who was probably in her early 20's would be drawing the short straw and sitting in the middle seat. I could think of worse people to share a car with to be fair. In my years working for an oil company, I can assure you, I definitely had shared a car with worse!

"I'm John and this is Jane," came the portly and cheerful man's intro. I could see his flat-cap was hiding a balding head. "Yes, our parents knew we'd eventually meet when they named us," he quipped rather lamely.

I laughed obligingly as Jane reached over to shake my hand, unable to hide a roll of her eyes behind her strawberry blonde hair. It was clear that joke wasn't a new one.

"This is Chris and Chloe," Jane added.

I turned towards them, trying to hide my smirk. "Don't even," warned Chloe, a playful smile on her lips.

Chris was a couple of years older than Chloe, ragged and skinny, with a suit that hung loose on him. I wasn't about to call him out on suit sizing given the state of mine. We spoke to each other as we headed into the car and Chloe, sighing deeply, offered to sit in the middle before she was made to by our taller frames.

"Least you can do for me not taking the piss," I said teasingly, and she laughed.

Chris took great interest in finding out who I was, and the rest of the car listened intently to how I knew Lily before heading off to join the army.

"I'm surprised we've never met," John noted afterwards, as we moved within a few streets from our destination.

"We probably did, at one of Catherine's birthday parties, or else maybe one of yours, I was at enough of them!"

"I don't remember ya, if you were," John replied in a suspicious voice that made me think I had better elaborate.

"I was a lot different back then, you'd probably recognise me from a picture. I was skinnier and scruffier... and spottier," I added with a small grin.

"So, you'd have been in the middle seat back then?" Chloe quipped, scowling at me.

I held her stare with a mock-threatening expression until she looked down, blushing behind her freckles and then determinedly looked ahead, playing with her slightly curly hair in awkwardness.

"Probably," I relented, and she slapped the side of my thigh in return.

I decided there and then that I'd better watch myself, especially around her family. It had been a while since I'd been around anyone that pretty and I was still getting used to the fact that pretty women might show an interest in me.

"Admittedly, you would have been what, 15, eight years ago when I graduated?" I asked.

"Spot on and now I'm 23," Chloe replied, and then she held my eyes tellingly, until I looked away to take the tension out of the conversation.

We got out shortly afterwards and made our way into the main part of the hall. I thanked the family for the lift and made my way to the bar. I half-expected Chloe to follow me and I spent the first part of my beer with my thoughts on her. She was a good 6 years younger than me which was quite jarring, but there was certainly an attraction that didn't feel one-sided - the first spark I'd felt since my return and arguably, since I started working in the Middle East.

She didn't come over, thankfully. Her family found a table on the other side of the room, closer to the buffet. I looked for familiar faces and found the same ones I saw in the Church. They were all friends or family that I'd met at various parties or gatherings over the years. I seemed to be the only one of our university friends in attendance. I saw a karaoke bar in the corner and knew that would have been one of Catherine's wishes - she'd have wanted everyone to have a good time.

Lily and the family joined shortly after. She looked unsteady on her feet, and I had a feeling she might have had a bad spell on the journey so I made my way over and thrust a can of lemonade in her hand when she broke from a group of people.

"Thanks," she whispered without looking, cracking it open and taking a grateful gulp.

"I'll catch you later," I said politely, getting out of the way.

Lily looked around at my voice and called out after me, "Oh, thank you Mike!"

It was over an hour later that I did finally manage to catch her. Or more accurately, she found me. I'd been sitting alone when she joined me, the parallels to our first meeting were quite clear. I was on my 3^rd pint (which was pacing it with my army-formed tolerance) and was strongly craving a smoke, which I'd decided to have once I'd finished the pint. It was one of those days. As happy as I was for some time with Lily, I was mournful over the temporary delay of nicotine.

"Hey," I said, when it became clear she was not going to start the conversation and was quite content to sit there with her vodka and lemonade, finally getting some peace. "Still avoiding coke?" I asked, pointing to her glass.

"Stains the teeth," she said with a false grin intended to show them off. They were great.

"You know," I started, staring off into the distance. "When I was in a field hospital being checked after an IED went off, I overheard this soldier talking to his doctor. He'd had one of his legs blown off, but it had been long enough ago that he was processing it okay. It hurt, but he was getting there. I didn't hear exactly what his doctor asked but he said, 'if one more person asks me if I'm okay, I'm going to fucking scream.' I'd imagine you feel about the same?" I asked Lily, turning back towards her.

She was looking at me aghast. "I can't believe how casually you talked about that," she groaned.

"I just figure: you and he aren't that different right now. You've lost something very dear to you and for some reason, it feels inappropriate to scream."

Lily smiled weakly. "If I screamed, I'd lose all of the perfect-woman credibility I've built up in life."

I grinned; Lily used to hate being seen that way. Perhaps she'd got used to it.

"Come on," she added, rising. "Let me introduce you to my work friends and they can babysit you for me."

"But I wanted a smoke," I complained.

"You smoke?!" Lily said at once, spinning me around so that we stopped on the edge of the dance floor while Frank Sinatra's 'My Way' played.

"Getting shot at and not getting hit gets boring, you realise smoking gets you faster in the end. But it's okay Lils, I'm only a social smoker."

She scowled and almost dragged me towards the table of women I instantly knew were her work friends. Well-dressed, well-groomed, gorgeous. It added up. "Amy, Olivia, Char, this is Michael, who's been my best friend since University and who you might not have heard me mention before as he's been away."

Lily made the introductions but wasn't as subtle with her pointedly narrow-eyes as she thought she was. Certainly, Olivia did her no favours once Lily walked off having pointed me to one of the chairs closest to Char, a flame-haired, freckled woman approaching her late 30's.

"So, what was it like in the army?" Olivia had said at once.

Amy clocked the mistake and I grinned. "Pretty sure her eyes were telling you to say she'd never mentioned me before?"

"She only does after a margarita or two," Olivia assured me quickly.

Amy jokingly took the drink away from Olivia, who clasped her hand over her mouth.

I took a beat because my next question was going to be crucial in determining what was said by Lily, when it was said and how it was said. I felt the tiny stirrings of hope in my stomach, but I pushed it down, reminding myself it was far more likely that Lily recounted me during a discussion about 'most awkward moments' than it was about 'ones that got away'.

I decided, purely based on my own conflicting reaction, that I didn't want to know what Lily said of me. Instead, I said, "I'm dying for a smoke, would anyone like to join me?"

Olivia looked tempted and I got the impression that she too was a social smoker but her friends on either side of her said no, and I left, promising to return shortly. I wondered if I'd made the right decision, not following up with Olivia and decided I had. Lily didn't want me to know, and I wanted to respect her boundary, given I hadn't before.

I found the smoking area, a small garden that seemed to have once been where the bins were stored until it became socially frowned-upon to smoke at a private function. It was just me and one of Catherine's elderly neighbours outside. I struck up a general conversation in a way smokers do and then she got up with strength that disputed her weak frame and went back inside. I was finally alone with my thoughts.

"Bum me one," I heard from the doorway. Chloe was grinning and I suspected it was the crass innuendo that had got her laughing. I pulled the pack out and she took one. I flicked the silver lighter open and lit it for her. "That's a nice lighter, where'd you get it?"

"An Aghan farmer gave it to me as thanks for returning his sheep," I casually lied. I didn't get the impression Chloe could handle the actual story. Her nod without follow-up confirmed as much.

"I wasn't allowed to talk to you in there," she said, nodding back towards the hall.

I smiled, "I assumed that. Can't be detracting attention away from the sadness of the day."

Chloe grinned as she watched me stub out my cigarette and light another, so she knew I was keen for the conversation to carry on.

"They said I could add you on Facebook later, if I was interested."

I took a long drag from my smoke. "That's very modern of them," I noted.

Chloe flicked her ash haphazardly and I noticed from it that she wasn't much of a smoker. Hell of a way to talk to me. "They think you must be alright if you're Lily's friend and served in the army, so they're okay with it."

I snorted, "Glad we have their permission. Do I get a say?"

Chloe blushed, here was a girl who assumed her looks would be enough for me to say yes. She realised she didn't know much about me, and I watched her recalculate. "Well, your say can be made when you get my friend request and decide to accept it or not."

I sighed, stubbing out the rest of my cigarette. "I don't have Facebook, not very modern of me."

"Okay, your number then," she suggested, frustration starting to come through as she felt the conversation slipping. I was enjoying putting her cockiness back in line, truth be told, as I weighed up the repercussions of giving it to her.

"Why do you want it?" I said at last, sizing her up. I was a few inches taller than her, even in her heels. I was acutely aware that her breasts were dominating her frame, even in her modest dress.

"Because guys my age are boring and I want a real man," she said at once, as though she'd said it many times before.

I chuckled. "That's a shit line and this rehearsed flirting isn't something I'm finding conducive to a future date, to tell you the truth."

I walked off, disappointed in her and moreso, myself, for seeing her differently. The spark I felt in the car seemed to have dissipated behind what was, no doubt, a very successful set of lines.

"Okay fine," she announced to my retreating back. "I'm into older men, I find you very attractive and the edge you have to you makes me think you'll be anything but boring, which is what I need. Happy?"

I turned back to her, looking her dead in the eyes. "Two things: I think this is fairly obvious now but don't pull lines on me again. I'm sure they work plenty, but they won't work here. I've heard enough of those lines in Dubai." I paused and Chloe's eyebrows were raised. "I want to get to know the real you, not the one that says what she needs to say in order to get what she wants."

"Okay," Chloe replied, face flushed. "Fair. What's the other thing?"

"I'm not going to do something casual or one-off with Lily's cousin, so think that over before you message me."

I walked over and put my number in her phone. Then I kissed her cheek. "I hope to speak to you soon," acting cooler than I felt.

I walked back in and yet again, wondered if I'd made the right decision. My hands were shaking from the adrenaline of being that demanding with someone so beautiful. It was new for me, I'd never been 'that guy' who could go up to a pretty woman and talk to her. There was something about Chloe that I was drawn to in a way that I wasn't to Lily. I couldn't place it but in any case, I had no chance with Lily and I wasn't going to get my head back into a mess speculating otherwise.

I made my way back to the table I was sitting on and found it abandoned, all three of Lily's work friends now on the dance floor. A dance floor after a funeral, maybe the times were changing?

"Hi Michael," sounded a voice to my right a few minutes later and Sharon joined me for the promised catch-up.

I was finding the constant interruptions overwhelming. I needed periods of silence in order to cope with loud noise and people. The social side of me was starting to run on fumes. Regardless, I smiled warmly and then rearranged my features to provide the appropriate words of sorrow. Sharon waved it off, tired too.

"She'll be glad you're back," Sharon started, looking around for Lily and not finding her. "Though it is a surprise."

"I'm glad to be back," I replied, meaning it, despite my current mental battery wishing for a nice, lonely desert.

"What will you be doing now you're here?" Sharon asked, looking towards the bottom of her drink, weighing up whether she could finish it in one or two.

I smiled as I read her thoughts, I'd been there many times. "I'm going to look for an engineering job and hopefully start putting down roots."

Sharon appeared pleased for me, which I really appreciated, especially in the circumstance. Before we could go any further, she nodded towards the entrance to the hall where Lily was re-emerging. Almost by beacon, she saw us together and made her way over purposefully. Sharon had drained her glass without my noticing and stood up.

"I'll leave you two to catch up," she smiled at me for a spell which I rather awkwardly returned and then left for the bar, promising to return with drinks for Lily and me.

"What were you talking about?" Lily asked me, before she'd even sat down. I detected a hint of nervousness that had started to come out as the drinks piled up.

"Just me staying here long-term," I replied truthfully.

"You are then?" There was a very hopeful look on her face, and it told me she was keen to reconnect.

Before I could reply, an older man walked over with our drinks and pointed in Sharon's direction who raised a hand in greeting. I mouthed a 'thank you' and took a large gulp of amber. Whether it was Lily's presence or the cold beer, I felt less overwhelmed.

"I am," when I put the glass down and chuckled at Lily's slightly horrified face as she saw how much of the glass now stood empty. She sucked her vodka and lemonade through a straw but didn't make comment. I filled the silence. "Why are you so nervous whenever I speak to someone you know?" I asked evenly.

Lily looked stunned at my bluntness and stuttered her way through a response. "I'm.. not, just, you know, don't... well, want you to be overwhelmed."

Her face was flushed, and I dropped it. I knew what it was - she was worried they'd bring up our last time together, before she could warn them not to.

I took a breath and brought up something that I knew was going to make me emotional. "Thank you for going to see my gran, you didn't need to."

Her cheeks kept the colour on her face. "How did you know?"

"The carer was talking about a beautiful woman visiting her and I put two & two together," I quipped. Then my brain caught up with my mouth and I realised what I'd said. My cheeks now mirrored Lily's. Stumbling quickly, I added, "anyway, thank you. I really appreciate it Lils, I don't know how I can repay you."

"Don't mention it," she replied quickly, clearly keen to move on. "You being here is enough."

God this is awkward. I craved to reach out and squeeze her hand or else pat her back - just in a friendly way - but the awkward exchange was too fresh so instead I asked, "Where's all our Uni friends?"

Lily shrugged, "I don't speak to anyone anymore. Everyone kind of fell away."

"Oh," I replied, now distracted enough by this new information, to ignore my earlier slip. "Why?"

Another shrug. I took more from the second one than I did the first. Lily had instigated it, in some way, I was nearly sure of it.