Fay and Dondre

A haiku:

Got into grad school!

Won't be sleeping for a bit.

Hope y'all like this one <3

* * *

Fay

"I'm never telling anybody I have a crush on you, Dondre Hill. I'm legit sorry I even caught feelings; nobody needs this kind of pressure in their last year of school. This is just juvenile.

I see you every Monday and Wednesday in class. Twice each day, 11:10 and 4:30, for our capstone and our seminar. Every Monday and Wednesday I watch your tight ass bend to bless the seat in front of me with its presence.

I think you caught me staring one time, when you looked back from the chalkboard to ask the professor a question about the phrase you were writing. I felt your eyes on me, but I tried to look as zoned out as possible and rubbed my eyes and yawned. I didn't even look up at you as you walked back. Shoulda got an Oscar for that.

There are a lot of reasons why I like you. I like how the little paunch of your stomach presses up against your t-shirt. I like how your voice goes up when you get nervous during oral presentations. And I like how your hair fades from dark brown to burnt amber at the ends. The first time you came in with it all combed out in a little afro, and stuck your pencil in it, I imagined being the one to braid it back up for you when you went to bed that night.

...Again, I know I sound creepy as hell.

But I don't think I'd be too bad of a girlfriend, either, if we ever got together. I've got nice boobs. My skin's soft, I'm funny; my hair shines in the sun when it's freshly twisted. I'd let you wrap it around your fist if you ever hit it from behind, lol. It's a shame you'll never know how much I like you."

I hope the little confessional I just vomited into my journal doesn't make me cringe if I ever reread it. That's how true feelings usually go: express, regret, repent, repress; on and on until you're dead. I just close the laptop and roll over to situate my arms around my breasts, which really are pretty nice. They spill over my hands and slide against my arms as I try to get comfortable. And when I finally am, I sleep.

...

Dondre

I'm going to hell.

I honest-to-God was going to tell the girl from my class that she left her account open on the public computer, but I saw my name on one of the Recent files in her Drive and I just looked a little closer on the off chance it really was me. I mean I'm probably not the only Dondre on campus, but how many Dondre Hills are there in the Monday and Wednesday Literature seminar and capstone courses?

I gotta tell somebody. I could tell Legend- but he can't keep his mouth shut for shit. Jabari's ass is home with all four kids, though.

I text Jabari.

"Yo"

"What"

"You know that girl I told you about in my World Literature class?"

"The poindexter one behind you?"

"She crushing on me."

"Awww, you gonna ask her out lil man?"

I think for a minute. She's crushing on me hard. It's mind-blowing to think about. Like I could go up to her right now and probably get her number.

I look at the screen again. She said 'girlfriend'. I'm not going for that this year, not until I graduate. It'd be a bad move to start anything with her.

"Nah"

"Pussy, why?"

"Not tryina break anymore hearts for the rest of the semester."

He rags on me about that comment for a while, and we goof around until he has to go yell at one of his spawn for jumping off the roof or something. I take a couple pictures of my discovery before I log out for her and do my own work. Then I go to my next class, and only when I walk through the door at the back of the room does it really register what she said. I hesitate for a minute, then walk past her to my seat; I think about how she's probably looking at my ass. I don't even know how to feel about it. My dick is a little hard. That's an answer, I guess.

"Can you pass me the exam packet?" Her voice is in my ear.

I start a little bit from my daydream and half-twist to hand her the stack of papers I absent-mindedly took from the person in front of me.

"Yeah, my bad." I can't help but deepen my voice a little bit. She said she liked when my voice went high, but I'm not nervous right now so it'd be weird to do it. I wonder if she likes my shoulders too, and how broad they are. I've always liked them.

Why do I care? I shouldn't. I shouldn't even be thinking about what she wrote. I invaded her privacy - by accident - and I don't even want to start anything, so I should forget it all.

But she sounded so sweet.

...

Fay

I know for a fact that I pulled at least a B on that exam. I should've; it was on the only assigned reading I actually read in full for this class. But I still come home happy. I pull the remaining half of a sub out of the fridge and open my computer to look at my agenda for tomorrow, but I end up accidentally watching a few episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race again.

Out of nowhere, I start to think about how restless Dondre seemed in class. The back of his chair kept rocking back against my desk. Normally I'd be annoyed, but I just wondered what was bothering him. I'd think he was having trouble with the questions, but I'm fairly sure his grades are even with mine in the course.

It's none of my business, and I need to go to sleep. But every time I close the laptop, I have a never-ending circus of thoughts rolling through my brain. One of those nights.

I wake up with "Are you still watching?" on the screen, and my phone with its 8AM alarm nowhere to be seen. I feel it, though, vibrating under my right shoulder with a muted ringing.

The rest of my day is full of tense, last-semester-in-this-money-trap classes and a few hours tutoring. The last eager freshman is too interested in spitting game at me to understand the key aspects of the low Germanic languages.

"You know a lot about words. You're good with your mouth, then?" is what finally snaps my head up, to look at his smirking face.

I sit back in my chair, knowing I'm done for the day.

"What, did I go too far, baby? I'm good at that." His eyes sear into mine. "Real good."

"Did you come here to flirt, or to get to the end of this chapter? I'm tired, if it's the former, and I'd like to go home."

He leans forward. "With me? Say no more."

"First of all, bitch, you look twelve."

His easy smile drops. "The fuck?"

"You look like you don't know how yet."

He gets puffy, and mad, and I dare him with the twitch of an eyebrow to raise his voice. We're at one of the front tables in the library, and all the delirious med students are watching from the corners.

"And you thought I was gonna ask a slut to teach me how? Ugly anyway," he snorts, grabbing his binder and bag.

I smile, as audaciously as I can. "I hope you pass your exam tomorrow, Richard."

"Fucking bitch," he snarls, stalking off.

I watch him, and I sigh. I should wait a little to make sure he doesn't try to catch me in the parking lot. I don't think I parked too far anyway, but I could ask Ms. L at the front desk to watch out for me.

I wait maybe fifteen minutes and walk by the front desk.

...

Dondre

She looks kinda stuck in place, looking out the glass doors.

"You sure he's gone?" She jumps, and I hold my hands up, scanner in one. "Sorry. The lanky green-haired guy, right? You told him his dick was small or sumn?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.

She snaps out of her trance and snorts, and I lean in closer to her. Just because I know she's pretty quiet.

"That was it, wasn't it? Creepy guy?" I say, tapping one of the textbooks next to me with a hand. "He left skid marks in the parking lot. From car or ass, I couldn't tell."

"Oh, so he is gone?" She shuffles on her feet with a shy smile, and I feel the insane urge to lie.

"I think so. I'll walk you out just in case?" I hear Ms. Lommell shuffle and stand somewhere in between the return shelves behind me, and I know she might interrogate me when I get back in, but it's worth it for the relief on Fay's face.

"Thank you so much, Dondre," she smiles, and I speed through throwing my jacket on and coming around the desk.

"Oh, so you know my name?" I say, stepping in beside her, knowing damn well she does.

"Don't play with me, Hill, I've been sitting behind you in every class since I transferred here," she says, fluffing her coat like a bird against the cold. I should've gotten my big coat, but I would've had to go back into the office for it. Would've had to leave her side for that.

"Aiight, I won't."

"And thank you for making sure Richard didn't try to grab me on my way out," she adds. "...You not cold?"

"Me?" I say, the cold seeping into my very soul. "Nah. Tough like that. Tougher than a dude named Richard at least."

"Now what if that was my daddy's name too, or something?"

"I stand by my word. So I guess I'd be stronger than ya pappy too."

She smiles wide, and I am dying to know exactly what she's gonna make of this exchange when she gets home. Is she going to write about me again? Dream about me?

"Go back inside then, G, and thank you again. My car's right here." She points to a little dark green Honda under the closest streetlamp.

"Okay, Fay. Drive safe."

"Got it. I'll see you tomorrow!" She's hustling across the street and in the car before I know it, beeping as she pulls off.

I've been looking for any indication of how I know she feels. I think it was the way she looked at me when I said her name. Something in her eyes looked more excited than her little polite goodbye sounded, and it made me want to repeat her name a million more times.

Am I just as creepy as Richard? I don't think so. I hope not. I walk back through the library doors to see Ms. Lommell leaning against the front desk where I was, with the scanner that I'd been using and a new pile of books.

"You're some type of heartbreaker, Dondre, running moves on that girl," she says, amused.

"Well, I mean, when I'm in the game I don't do too bad."

She cackles and looks at the clock. "Go on and clock out, and catch the next bus home so you don't have to wait twenty minutes at the stop like you always do."

"I don't mind, Ms. L."

"But I bet your momma would. Go on."

Instead of responding 'yeah but my momma ain't here,' I clock out and take my ass home, because she's right.

...

Fay

Of course he would know my name too. I almost jumped out of my skin when he said it all the same. I swear he didn't work the front desk before, at least not for the last year; maybe he started over winter break? But I tutor nights all the time, I would've seen him.

I hope I acted alright. I replay every response, every possibly too-loud laugh during that thirty-second conversation to see if anything I did or said could be found lacking.

And of course I find things to dwell on. Was I way too eager to accept that invitation for him to walk me out? He probably didn't like me nagging him about being cold, either. I hope I didn't look like a smiling fool just happy to be next to him, even if that's exactly what I was.

The thought spiral of death doesn't stop when I get home, either. I'm gonna see him tomorrow. Should I act like I usually do? We now have a conversation and a half between us, I think. The other half being at the beginning of the semester when he forgot his book and Hammond asked us to sit together and share. I sweated like it was my job that day, out of nervousness.

I can't relax for the rest of the night. I imagine him watching me contemplate ordering out again when I just ate takeout last night. I stand in front of the bathroom mirror and wonder really hard if I put on weight, or if I'm just bloated from my recent tendency to drink a bottle of cheap wine on my own when I get home from class. Then I leave the bathroom, because he'd think I was weird for standing in front of the bathroom sink naked and scrolling through TikTok for a solid hour like I usually do before bed.

Liking someone is exhausting. I numb myself thoroughly with more Drag Race, and I can't tell if I reach the end of the season or not before I fall asleep.

...

Dondre

"Hey. Fay."

Her eyes pop open and she shoots up in her seat. She'd fallen asleep halfway through the lecture; I could hear her deep breathing from over my shoulder. I tried to hunch over so that the professor couldn't see her behind me.

"Oh. Hi." She blinks her eyes quickly and rubs her hand over her face. "Thank you so much, I must've been knocked out."

I chuckle and stare down at her while I pack my laptop away. "Yeah, snoring like a freight train too."

Absolute mortification appears on her face. "God no, really?"

I grin. "Nah."

She rolls her eyes and laughs worriedly, and I'm suddenly even more interested in her. This girl is attracted to me. I mean I get it, I don't look like a monster, but it makes you feel different to know somebody feels that way about you.

"You got anything to do before Hammond's class?" I wonder if she's ever thought about spending the break in between classes together.

She pauses while zipping up her jacket. Over nice titties, I think to myself.

"Not really, what's up?"

I brush my hand over the afro I definitely didn't pick through just for her today. "I was about to go to the café in front of the courtyard, if you wanna come with. They got sugar with a side of coffee."

She smiles politely and says no, she's good. I didn't expect to be rejected; I didn't expect the disappointment to be this resounding, either.

She pulls a half-finished drink in a reusable mug out of her bag. "I don't think any amount of anything would keep me awake anymore, this is my second cup today," she laughs. I like how throaty it is. She takes a sip. "I'll walk with you, though."

...

Fay

I should have taken my books and my cup and walked out of that classroom by myself. I don't know how to walk, talk, or breathe normally in front of people I like, but I feel lucky to just be next to him. I don't know if it's weird to tag along; if I had ordered something, would he have tried to pay? Could this have been some sort of impromptu date?

My mind is racing on our way down the street to the crowded coffee shop, even though we're making great conversation.

We talk until he orders and pays for a caramel latte, and stand to the side to wait.

This interaction has got my head spinning. He was probably just being nice by inviting me along. Doesn't want me snoring in his ear for our seminar. Speaking of seminar...

"Do you have a theme for the final project yet?" I swallow the rest of my coffee as he looks towards me.

"I was thinking I'd explore some of the literature coming out of the West African scene, like the new age science fiction stuff."

My face must light up like the night sky. "Legit, Tomi Adeyemi, Okorafor and everybody?" I'm not going to be a nerd about this, I promise myself.

He raises an eyebrow and smiles. "Yeah, it's my favorite genre. You're familiar?"

...

Dondre

We end up talking about the Children of Blood and Bone trilogy until our next class starts. I wanted to ask her if she was hungry after that, but that would've been too much. Right? I'm preying off of the security of having someone who has feelings for me. Am I taking advantage?

It doesn't feel like that though. All I could think about when I was with her was that her hair really does shine in the sunlight. It's really brown up at the very front, like she's in the sun a lot. I felt stupid and sappy for noticing it. And I also remembered what she wrote about letting me wrap it around my fist...

I'm a dog.

I could just tell her, right? That's what I should do. It's probably going to be embarrassing, but then I could ask her out without feeling like a leech. If she doesn't hate me.

I drop my phone on the arm of the couch and get up to go eat through some frustration. Maintaining the little paunch she likes so much.

...

Fay

"What'd you get for 7?" My pencil hovers next to my answer, ready to defend it or mark it incorrect. I hear him flip his paper over to check.

"I skipped it."

"Huh. What'd you get for 8?"

"Oh, so you not gon tell me what you got for 7?"

I look up at his tone to see him with his eyebrows furrowed, but unable to keep a grin off his face.

"Nah, you working today, my guy," I smile. "Now, I got an ABBA rhyme in the French translation for 8, and... what are you doing?"

His bottom lip is caught between his teeth. And he's squinting his eyes while rubbing the stubble on his chin. "Smoldering with my eyes to get what I want, what does it look like?"

"Oh. Huh. It's not working," I snicker, growing quiet when the professor coughs and raises his eyebrows at us from the chair behind his desk.

"You over here bout to get me in trouble, Fay, shake my damn head. Might as well give me the answer to 7," Dondre huffs, licking his lips. I chuckle quietly at his goofiness, but I feel my eyes fasten on his bottom lip.

"You see, now, that one LL Cool J moment briefly made you hot as hell, definitely," I whisper conspiratorially. "But I don't break for pretty faces."

His smile falls off his face for a moment, and I wonder if I've gone too far. Probably. He settles into a much quieter smile.

"Bet," he says, and silently goes back to his work.

...

Dondre

I was so close to just telling her I know. I could've just hinted at it. You probably watch me all the time; I bet you be clocking me every time I come through the classroom door. Something like that; I should've said something. Another chance gone.

But, bet? That she'd break for me? Did I basically just tell her I'm gonna try to seduce her? That's so fucking creepy. We're barely friends, and now I'm screwing it up more.

The professor coughs at his desk and sits up from the stack of papers he's grading, prompting us to do the same. "You all are already in good groups, and I don't feel like redividing you, so these are your final teams for the projects. The two-person teams don't have to do parts three and five of the assignment, but should submit a more detailed response to the other six."

Some teams look like they're on the verge of groaning and rolling their eyes, but it's only a class of fourteen people, so they keep quiet and still.

Me, I'm ecstatic. I think. I get to spend more time with the girl I like.

Correction. The girl who likes me. Although it's looking the other way round right now. How does she hide it so well?

...

Fay

I don't know what beastly shift of the wind caused this turn of events but I'mma need it to shift the fuck back and give me a break.

I can't physically be near this man without water pooling in my mouth; how am I going to spend the next month and a half working with him? He turns back to me when class is dismissed.

"Sooo... the guidelines say we need to meet at least once a week for discussion. Wanna do that in person, or Facetime, or something?"

I consider my options. "How about Facetime for now, and if we can't get stuff done that way, we can upgrade to meeting at Douglas Hall?"

Dondre shoves a couple of papers into his bag and slings it across his shoulder. "Yeah, cool with me. So...." He squints his eyes, licks his lips, and rubs his hands together. "Can I have yo number lil mama?"

I try and fail to hold back a burst of uncontrollable laughter. The professor looks up from his phone at the front of the lecture hall, and a few of the other students chuckle while packing up, but I can't stop, tears starting down my face. I'd be embarrassed, but I'm trying to stop laughing before my stomach starts cramping.

Dondre is beaming, though, almost like he wants to join in. I finally calm down, dropping my head into both of my hands. I look back up, mostly straight-faced with tears of laughter still running down my cheeks.

"Yeah."

...

Dondre

Professor Hammond probably thinks we're crazy, having fits in the sixth row of his classroom. We stand there literally giggling at each other for the next five minutes until we finally exchange numbers and leave for the night, waving to him as casually as we can.