Fearless

The strangest feeling ever came over me. I don't know how to describe it. It was something I had never felt before. My hands got clammy, my breath uneven, and when I looked in a mirror back home my eyes were dilated. At one point I actually started shaking. I didn't know what the fuck was wrong with me.

Not able to concentrate I watched a video of some B grade monster flick. Being devoid of a fear factor I always just laughed at supposedly scary movies and I thought that maybe I could somewhat stymie what was running roughshod through me by getting a few laughs. However, just fifteen or twenty minutes into the movie when a couple of ultimate victims first were confronted with a ghoulish monster and I saw the reactions of their faces and bodies it suddenly hit me what was happening!

For the first time in my life I was afraid.

I wasn't afraid of something physical.

I was afraid of losing Danika, and she had become the most important thing in my life, with our unborn child a close second.

I cried for the first time since I was a baby. I left the house, went to a local forest preserve, and became wracked with fear, angst, and sorrow. "How in the fuck can normal people stand fear?" I kept repeating to myself, because I sure wasn't handling it.

I got home just before dark. Danika seemed really concerned. She was all over me asking what was wrong, what she could do, etc. I chickened out and didn't confront her -- my new emotion of fear had drained the fight out of me. I made some excuse about being ill, and she actually tucked me into bed. Her last words were "I hope that you're feeling better by tomorrow afternoon because you promised to go to my book club party with me."

I groaned some form of assent. Fortunately I was emotionally exhausted and fell into a troubled sleep.

Sunday morning arrived and I was still consumed with fear; I was sure that it was just a matter of time before Danika would leave me, or I would be forced into a confrontation, and my life would go to hell.

Danika gave me space during the morning, but was very pleasant and concerned when we did interact. When it got to be one in the afternoon she told me that I needed to get ready for her book club event. I told her that I didn't feel well. She told me that I was going anyway. I tried several more times to get out of it but she became increasingly insistent. Finally, with a tear in her eye she slapped me -- the first time she had ever done that -- and said "Get your big boy pants on because you're going if I have to drag you there."

That shocked me so much that I did get dressed, nice casual, and was ready to leave on time at 2 p. m. "You look too morose or ill, I can't tell which, to drive," she said as she snapped the car keys out of my hand and got in the driver's seat. On the way over she first tried to be pleasant but when I didn't respond she got bitchy for the first time in our relationship. "I don't know what the fuck is going on with you, Greg, but I want you to be cordial with my friends when you meet them. I don't want to have to bitch slap you right in front of them, but I will, believe me," she snarled. I had never seen her like that, and it made me even more fearful that she was planning to dump me. I did my best to pull it together but then almost lost it again when we pulled into the parking lot of the same hotel that she had met Bill Dolan at the day before.

I was on autopilot as Danika virtually dragged me out of the car and perp-walked me into the hotel. She pushed me into a small ballroom on the first floor down a corridor from the main lobby, and when I walked in there was the thunderous sound of "Surprise!"

I don't think that any of the people there -- with maybe one exception -- were from Danika's book club. Most were my friends, our mutual friends, and/or our families. There were balloons and streamers everywhere, and my favorite old style pin ball and arcade games were set up around the room.

After I had greeted everyone I knew and got "Happy 30th" congratulations from most, and some good-natured but gross ribbing from some of my friends, Danika grabbed me by the arm and said "There's someone you need to thank for getting all of your favorite arcade games, Greg. She led me straight toward Bill Dolan who was laughing with a smaller equally handsome guy. "Greg, you know Bill, and this is his husband Winston, and they're the ones who arranged for all of these arcade games."

"Husband?" flashed through my pea brain. "What the fuck -- Dolan is gay?" caromed around in my empty head. Fortunately I didn't say it aloud. After a few seconds of shock I snapped out of it, got the first genuine grin on my face in at least a couple of weeks, and vigorously shook Bill's and Winston's hands as I profusely thanked them.

In addition to food, dancing, a video presentation that Danika had made -- also with Bill and Winston's help -- that included big moments in our early lives, scenes from the 30th surprise party I had thrown for her, tributes from out of town relatives and friends who couldn't make it, and even a sonogram of our daughter (that was the first time I knew the sex of our baby-to-be), and prizes for the high scorers on each of the arcade games (even though I had two high scores I wasn't allowed to win the prizes) the party finally ended about ten o'clock.

Danika sidled up to me and said "Time to go home and for you to get your birthday present a day early," she grinned, the next day, Monday, being my actual birthday.

"You have no idea how much I love you," I said as I kissed her and successfully fought as hard as I could to hold back tears. "You're the greatest," I continued as I pinched her ass and kissed her boobs through her maternity blouse.

"Looks like you've recovered -- what the hell was with you yesterday and this morning, I've never seen you like that?" she inquired.

"I've finally joined the rest of humanity; let's leave it at that," I laughed as I kissed her again. One thing for sure was that I never was going to tell her that I experienced fear for the first time, or why I did.

When we got home we showered together, I splashed her tits with cold water and then rubbed avocado oil on them. When we got to bed I suckled both nipples as she giggled with the refrain "You're going to have competition for my boobs pretty sure, and she'll have priority."

"Damn!" I chuckled.

Then we had the most loving intercourse of our lives as I constantly moaned, groaned, or mumbled how much I loved her.

We fell asleep in a spoon position with my right hand gently massaging her right boob. As I drifted off into dreamland -- knowing that I'd be with Danika in my dreams as well as in reality -- I hoped that I'd never, ever, ever experience fear again