Feb. Sucks - It Must've Been Love 01

"Yes, I do love you Jim...I'll make it all up to you in bed and out of bed, starting tomorrow. In the long run you will see how this is going to add an exciting new dimension to our marriage."

"Well, we won't be sharing the same bed when you come home, at least until your STD and HIV tests come back. If you are positive for anything, or find yourself knocked up by Asshole or anybody else you fuck this weekend, that will definitely add an exciting new dimension to our relationship!"

"I will need you to reclaim my body tomorrow."

"Not going to happen until the tests come back, and only if yours is negative -- maybe not even then. Unless, of course...you have been using protection, haven't you?"

"Jim, uh...we..."

"Didn't think so. In that case, take a shower and douche before you come home or I won't even let you in the front door! Not that it matters if you are clean. I just don't want you tracking any of his foul sperm crap around my house. And before I let you in the house you will need to sign the post-nup agreement.

"What? Post-nup? What's that?"

"As soon as I got home tonight I called my friend Dan Andrews, the divorce attorney we use as an on-air contributor. Before this is over I will get my revenge -- legal of course -- on both you and Asshole. He is going to pay big time for what he thought was a piece of free, married ass, and you are going to pay for giving it up to him, but I digress.

"It's going to rain tomorrow, so Dan's regular golf game is scratched and he is free to meet up for breakfast to hammer out all the details, but one thing for sure, you will be signing a post-nup. IF we get back together -- and that's a real big IF right now -- If you EVER pull this kind of shit again, with anyone, it will be enforced. If you make ANY contact with Asshole, it will take effect. If you call me Marc while we are having sex (if we ever have sex again) just one time, even 15 years from now, it will be enforced!"

"What do you men by 'enforced,' Jim?"

"Dan and I will hash out the details, but basically it means an immediate filing for divorce, a 75%-25% split of our joint assets, I get full custody of the kids, and you go back to your maiden name. By tomorrow, we may add more, but that's the Cliff Notes version."

"What if I don't sign?"

"I'm glad you asked! That would make my decision soooo much easier! Should you refuse to agree to this 'post-nup, My attorney will have you served with divorce papers at your school very soon

"Marc says you will have to take me back. If we divorce, it would ruin you financially and the court would give me full custody of Emma and Tommy. You don't even have any real evidence that anything happened except that I left with Marc."

"Don't be so sure of yourself. I am positive there are several recordings of your seduction at Morrison's on the web. I recorded your 'pillow talk' Face Time call. Your face covered in cum? Even your wedding rings covered in his slime? By the time we get to court I will have enough solid evidence to make you the most unfit mother the state of Wisconsin has ever seen!"

"You really hate me, don't you? This was not the way it was supposed to happen!"

"Damn right this is not the way tonight was supposed to happen -- that is the first thing you have said that makes any sense. Hate? You showed your hatred of me pretty clearly this evening! By thinking this would somehow be 'okay' with me, it shows you not only do not LOVE me -- hell, it shows you don't even KNOW me very well."

"I know you...I love you..."

"Funny way of showing it! Six hours ago I could honestly say that I loved you like no one ever loved another person, but you killed my love for you -- killed it, stomped it into the ground, threw it out into the street, and then took a crap on it. You and your asshole boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend."

"Has he had his dick in your mouth, your cunt and your heretofore virgin ass? I rest my case. Now I don't hate you, I don't love you, I don't respect you, I sure as hell don't cherish you as I did just hours ago. I just don't give a rip about you. That's the only way I can handle what you did to me tonight. Read my lips...as of right now, I don't give a fuck about you, Linda. Tonight you proved you don't give a fuck about me. Maybe you did what you did tonight because you love Asshole, or Asshole's dick. Maybe you just love yourself more than me, or Emma or Tommy, or anyone else in the world, and you feel you are entitled to this 'special' night. I sure as hell will NEVER give a fuck about you ever again."

"Honey, I'm so sorry."

"I just told you not to call me 'Honey,' 'Sweetie,' "Darling,' or any other term of affection, got it? Speaking of names, is Asshole lying next to you listening to all of this?"

"No, after his third...oh, never mind...he dozed off."

"OK, then. From here on in, the adults are in charge and I'm going to give you some direction in your life whether you like it or not. Follow these instructions to the letter and MAYBE there is a chance you and I can salvage this marriage, for the sake of Emma and Tommy at least. I've already made arrangements with Yellow Cab. I have Asshole's address and his gate code.

"How do you know where he lives, Jim? He keeps his personal life very private. He said no one outside of you and I and our friends will know about tonight."

"I know people. Those people know where Asshole lives. And now I do too. In 15 minutes, a cab will pull into his circular driveway. Be on the porch dressed and waiting -- I don't want the driver to have to honk and wake up Asshole and the rest of the neighborhood. Yellow Cab will phone me as soon as you have been picked up, so I will know when to expect you. You should be at home within 45 minutes after you get in the taxi. I'll be up, but I have no interest in speaking with you until tomorrow after I have met with my attorney. Get your ass back here and there is a chance, just a slim chance, for us to work things out. If you are a no show, then you will have made all my decisions for me!

"The first decision will be to share Asshole's despicable video call. Your mom and dad will definitely have something to talk about over breakfast tomorrow. I have a distribution list already: your extended family, the principal of your school -- for that matter, the entire School Board. If I send it out tonight, Pastor Ray could include it in his Sunday sermon -- not the visuals, of course, just the concepts of honor, fidelity, morality, depravity, hatefulness, deceitfulness and betrayal. There's a couple month's worth of sermons right there! Just to show you I mean what I say, Asshole's little porn video is all cued up. If you get back home you can try to convince me not to send it.

"Just so you know, the kids are going to stay with my folks tonight and we will all meet at church Sunday. My folks will take them back to their house after church and get them to school Monday. My dad has already obtained an emergency restraining order on you -- pays to play golf with a retired judge. Basically, you won't be able to go near our children while they are at their grandparents unless I accompany you."

"My babies!!!!"

"Should have thought about them last night. Looks like the three people who thought you loved them were conveniently forgotten. Guess you just didn't care, or have you decided the three of us are just in the way of your quest for the ultimate orgasm?"

Linda started sobbing.

"Don't wake up Asshole -- get dressed and get your well-used ass down to the front porch -- NOW!"

Jim hung up. "That went well," he thought. "At least she listened -- I hope she listened anyway."

About 30 minutes later, Jim got a call from the Yellow Cab dispatcher.

"Did my wife get picked up?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Carlson. Our driver pulled up to the porch. There was a Lamborghini in the driveway, so we are certain we got the right house. After waiting for 5 minutes, the driver hit his horn for a couple of short beeps, waited another 5 and gave it one long honk. He waited another 10 minutes, but she never came out. I'm sorry. There's no charge; I wish this would have worked out -- for you both."

Jim hung up and sat down, sad and defeated. "I thought I had a fighting chance -- get her back here and work like hell to get both her mind and especially her heart, back with me. What happened? I thought she was agreeable to coming home now, knowing that that was a condition of any reconciliation. Either her tears and 'I'm sorry' were just to placate me and throw me off the scent so she could continue her 'fairy tale fuck' or Asshole woke up and made her come back to bed. Who cares why? No one forced her to leave Morrison's with him in the first place -- that was all her free will, with a little help and a lot of encouragement from Dee."

Jim thought about his next move. Part of him wanted to go "Full Hulk" and destroy family photos, burn Linda's wedding dress and put everything she owns in black plastic yard bags and throw them all on the front lawn. But he decided breaking things wasn't really his nature and would deflect from Linda's actions tonight. He would be called the bad guy or the crazy psycho. Tossing Linda out of his life in such a physical way would be satisfying, but he couldn't help but imagine what tonight's lead story on the competing stations would be: "...Local TV news anchor runs amok and destroys his own home -- video at 11:00!"

By 6:00 am Jim was dead tired from the lack of sleep, worrying and anger. He took off his suit from the night before, showered and shaved, and headed to the Original Pancake House in Brookfield to meet his friend and attorney, Dan. But before he left, he got on Linda's laptop and sent Asshole's video over to Linda's mom and dad with a short note: "Hi, Mom and Dad. This was supposed to be a special night for Jim, but I got a better offer and traded up! Enjoy the video!" After breakfast he would send it to everyone else on his list.

Over Swedish pancakes and lots of coffee, Jim and Dan hammered out divorce papers that could be served whenever Jim gave the word. On the slim chance that the marriage could be saved, they wrote up the post-nup agreement too. The discussion wasn't easy. Since the night before, all Jim could do was talk to him self as he tried to make sense of the situation Linda put him in. While never crying, Jim was getting pretty choked up as he walked Dan through his troubles.

On the way home, Jim's phone was buzzing with calls and texts from Dave and Dee and from Linda's parents. As soon as he pulled into the driveway he called his in-laws back and explained the video clip and gave them the Reader's Digest version of the night before, including the attempt to get her home by cab. Her mother just cried through most of the call, but her dad heard it all and got pretty ticked off at his only daughter!

That call over, Jim sent out the video to everyone else on his list and just sat at the kitchen table, waiting. Ten-thirty am, and still no Linda. From 10:30 to 11:30 am he was worried; by 11:30 am he was angry.

About 12:45 am, Jim got a short text from Linda telling him to check his email:

My Dearest Jim,

I heard the cab pull up last night -- I was all dressed and had one foot out the front door, when I realized I just wasn't done with my adventure. I will be home late this afternoon and it will be the "same old me" coming through the door! -- I promise. Nothing will have really changed and remember that I love you and only you. I have enjoyed my once-in-a-lifetime fantasy -- it met all of my expectations and then some. I'm so glad I did this for myself. Marc has been a considerate man and an incredible lover, and the experience has been unforgettable, but I must leave him today and let you reclaim me as soon as I return.

I know you may be a bit upset and probably have questions as to how all this happened, and I will answer the best I can without trying to hurt you. I was very surprised when Marc approached me at Morrison's. He is famous and big and beautiful and he just took charge of me on that dance floor, I don't know what more to say.

From that first dance I wanted Marc deep inside of me. Again, I can't explain it all to you, but I wanted him and he wanted me. It was the best sex I have ever enjoyed -- Marc is a lot bigger and lasts longer than you. But there is no true love with him -- that is only for you and I can't wait to resume my life with you and our family. Tonight you can start by 'reclaiming' me -- body and soul. Within a few days this will just seem like a little bump in the road for us. Thank you for letting me enjoy the most incredible sexual experience -- I will make it up to you by sharing the things I have learned from Marc.

From now on, no part of my body will be off limits to you. Now I feel bad that I always refused you anal, but Marc showed me how it can be VERY enjoyable. I learned to cum just from his big cock sliding in and out of my tight backdoor! I'm looking so forward to finding out if it's as good when you and I try it. Don't be mad or sad that you weren't the first in there, just enjoy -- this will all be worth it, I promise.

Also, I'm all shaved down there now. I know you asked me quite a few times and I always turned you down. Marc likes his women to have bare pussies, so I gave it a try and I wished I had shaved for you a long time ago. I know you will be happy with the new look.

Marc is finished with me now. I will be dressed and ready to come home to you sometime this afternoon, after we have a late lunch. All I have to wear is my blue dress, but I know you will love seeing it on me again. Marc wants to give me a ride home in his Lamborghini. I can't wait to have you meet him -- he is a wonderful man and nothing like you may have imagined. I look so forward to returning home this afternoon and having you make me yours once again. See you in a little while.

-- Your loving wife, Linda

"What a piece of absolute crap!" Jim yelled out loud. "''Just a bump in the road?' 'I'm so glad I did this for myself?' Yeah, right. She didn't hear a word I said last night. If I take her back, she will always have this 'incredible night' that I will have to compete against. When she goes out shopping will I worry that she is sneaking out to see Asshole? Will I sweat bullets every day I drive home from work, expecting to see a Lamborghini in the driveway, or even worse, a note on the kitchen table -- a note that says she 'just has to do' whatever. How many sessions of counseling will it take to get to some degree of trust? How many therapists' kids will I be putting through college?

"Maybe it's simple -- Linda just got whisked away by the fame and glamour of a pro football player. But that can't be the whole reason for this mess. It's not like I'm a nobody. I have the best ratings of any newscaster in town. I was in this city before Asshole even graduated high school, and I'll be here long after he gets traded by the Sharks for some third-round draft choice.

"Unless Asshole convinces her to come back to bed until Sunday, my personal hell will start later today. Linda will undoubtedly come home on some sort of high -- sex or coke, or both -- and I will have to bring her back down to reality -- a reality neither one of us will be happy with."

Jim dashed off a reply to Linda:

Linda--

I am sitting here at the kitchen table in the house we have shared for the past 14 years. Last night, when I finally made my way back here, my first thought was to start taking out my revenge on you -- burn your wedding dress, flush your jewelry down the toilet, rip you out of every family photo and take a baseball bat to anything else you might hold dear. Exactly like YOU destroyed EVERYTHING close to my heart. But I realized that even burning the house down couldn't

un-fuck you.

When you return, everything will look normal. But looks can be deceiving. Underneath, this place is ripped to shreds and nothing has been left standing. On the surface, I am rational and in control. Underneath, I am seething with rage against both you and Asshole-- but mostly against you. I did not loose you to him. YOU lost yourself. It was not a fair fight -- you, Asshole and our so-called friends conspired behind my back. Your cute trick of heading to the lady's room and then escaping out the rear door was the coward's way out. Rather than face me and give me a fair chance to talk you out of it, you just deserted. You can say you were saving me from being beaten up by Asshole, but I've researched him. He never served. He has never faced combat. He has never killed anyone. I have.

From what you have told me, you are planning to just waltz in here sometime today and feed me some drivel like, "I'm back," and "nothing's changed", and that it is time for me to '"reclaim you." There will not be any reclaiming tonight, most likely never, but definitely not now. I will not have sex or even sleep in the same bed until you present me with a negative STD test as well as an HIV test a few months down the road. I know you think Asshole is clean, but it only takes one slut to give him something he can pass on to the next slut who passes it along to her unsuspecting husband. Sorry, I live in Realville, U.S.A. and that's just the way it is here. Since the day we first met, I never felt that I would need to protect myself from you. Now, I will have my guard up every day for the rest of our lives.

You will say that everything is back to normal, but it will never be back to what it was for us -- call it normal if you want, but you will be fooling yourself. Early Friday evening I had a loyal, loving wife. Now I have a wife, for the time being at least, who is a slut, a coward, a liar, a cheat, and an all-round contemptible human being. That's not going to change and go back to normal, whatever the hell normal is.

I have felt more alone in the last few hours than I ever have in my life -- now it's your turn -- you will start to feel how alone you really are. We will be together in our "house," but you will be alone. I will stay for the sake of the kids for at least the time being and they will get 100% of my love. You will only get my TV self -- the smiling face that everyone gets just for tuning into Eyewitness News. My real self died at around 9:30 pm last night.

You experienced a night at the ball with the handsome prince of Fantasyland. I spent the night on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. For the first time since you and I first met, we have vastly different memories of the same event. Whether we stay together or divorce, my life will no longer mirror yours. Some relationship, you think?

Do not doubt my resolve, do not test me in any way, and do not make light of what you have done. Do not try to defend or minimize your actions or those of Asshole. And this is a deal breaker -- do not ever mention his name or what a wonderful "experience" or "adventure" you enjoyed last night. I know what you did. I have the video. You proudly told me all about it in your email and rubbed my nose through your filth. I could care less if he is bigger that I am. He is bigger all right -- a bigger pile of shit than I ever thought existed. That's all I need to know. This is not a little bump in the road -- it's a fork in the road and right now, I doubt if you and I will be taking the same path anymore.

I am sending you an attachment, as if you care. It's the itinerary for a trip I had planned for us in June, for our 15th Anniversary. First Class airline reservations and 4 and 5 star accommodations on three different islands in Hawaii -- a dream vacation. I worked on this for weeks and got the best of everything and I was looking forward to sharing it with you this weekend at the Madison. See, I can create "once-in-a-lifetime" experiences too. Just a few minutes ago I cancelled all of it. Weeks of high hopes and hard work down the tube. If we are still together by June, I'll take you to Wendy's for our anniversary dinner.