February Sucks - All Year Long

To say that Dee was surprised that I was calling would be a gross understatement. "Jim, ah, er, how are you?"

"Dee, I'm calling because I know that you and Linda talk to each other often. I need your help."

"Ah, how can I help, Jim?" She sounded like I was luring her into a trap and she didn't want to go. Couldn't blame her, I suppose. I was using her. But only to confirm what I already knew. I also knew that as soon as I hung up with her, Linda would be getting a call from Dee to tell her everything that we talked about.

"Dee, I need a big favour. I need you to tell Linda some things. We're not talking much lately and I'm not sure what she's doing anymore. I need you to get her a message. She'll listen to you. I'm not sure that she listens to me any more."

"Ah, okay Jim. What do you want me to tell her?"

"It's pretty straight forward. I need you to tell her something for me. I need you to tell her that I give in. I'm done."

"Ah, okay, I suppose I can tell her that."

"She wins."

"Are you saying that you forgive her for that night with Marc?"

"Yes, I do."

"Ah, I'm sure that she'll be happy to hear that. She has been miserable for so long waiting for you to understand that that one night was only one night and that she loves you just the same as always."

"Well, just tell her that she wins. In fact, she can do pretty much whatever she wants. I'm done."

"Ah, I'm not sure what that means, Jim."

"Just what I said. I'm through, I'm done, finished. She wins. Just tell her that, please."

"Okay."

"I would like to know just one more thing if I could. As I said before, Linda and I don't talk that much so I wanted to find out from her best friend just what it is that she really wants. Does she want the ability to see other men when it's convenient and still be married, or is her intent to move on from our marriage at this slow pace we've been going?"

There was silence at the end of the phone from Dee. "Let me put this another way Dee, I know that Linda has been seeing Marc. I suppose I can't blame her. I mean, he is the guy that rocks her world. He's the kind of guy she really wants, so I suppose it's okay that she goes to him. I just would prefer she tell me so that it's all out in the open and we don't have to hide it from one another."

More silence. "Sorry Dee, did you hear what I said?"

"Ah, ah, yeah, I heard Jim. I guess that she hasn't discussed this at all, has she?"

"No, she hasn't. I don't know how often she sees him and quite frankly it really doesn't matter. The fact is, he's the guy that she wants to be with, not me."

More silence. "Okay, well, thanks Dee."

I hung up.

**********

Linda

I got a call from Dee, all in a panic.

"Linda, Jim just called me and told me to tell you that 'you win.'"

"Huh, what do you mean, er, what did he mean by that?"

"I have no clue, I was hoping that you would know."

"Did he say anything else?"

"Just that he's been trying for the last year to get you to understand what your night with Marc has meant to him, Jim. He didn't sound good Linda. He sounded defeated. Like he'd given up, somehow."

"Oh shit. I know he told me that we were going to do something tonight. He talked about getting some Chinese food delivered maybe. I thought that it might be a sign that things are going to get back to normal around here."

"Linda, he knows."

"He knows what?"

"He knows that you've been seeing Marc.

"Oh fuck. How does he know? I've been very discreet."

"I might have given it away. He talked about you being with Marc and I didn't deny it and, oh shit! He was on a fishing expedition and I got hooked good. Fuck! I'm so sorry."

My world just exploded and I knew that my insistence to Jim that I loved him the same as always, was falling apart and I had lost. Sex these past months with Marc was very good but the consequences were just beginning to seep into my brain.

"I have to go Dee." I hung up.

**********

Later that evening

Linda

Jim came home about 7 PM and he had a couple of bags with him in addition to his briefcase.

He didn't say anything but put the food bags on the kitchen counter and went to his bedroom, got changed into some jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. He came back down and went to the kitchen and got some plates and cutlery out.

He served up the food and poured me some wine.

We sat at the dining room table and started eating. He hadn't said a word to me since he got home. The conversation with Dee was rolling over and over in my brain. Had I torpedoed my marriage?

I knew, or thought I knew, that my husband loved me so unconditionally that he would quickly move on from my one night with Marc. Was I wrong? Would he take it, did he take it, as a personal rebuttal of him as my husband? Did his ego feel threatened by Marc?

"So, Jim, we need to talk, Dear."

He swallowed, nodded and cleared his throat, "Yes, Linda we do need to talk. I have a lot I want to say but in the interests of us remaining cordial to each other, I'm going to keep this short."

I was now very worried that my night with Marc was a bad idea. I wished right at that moment I could turn the hands of time back a year and not dance with Marc. I wished right then that I had stayed out of his bed and kept my legs closed.

"Linda, in the last year you have on countless times tried to paper over your affair with your jock boyfriend. But, as you are well aware, I have not bought off on your assertion that it meant nothing to 'us.' Well, I want to repeat, once more and for the last time, that it meant something to me."

He took a drink. I said nothing and just looked at him, knowing that my world was about to ignite.

"For the last year, I have tried to do what I thought was the best thing for our children. At the start I tried to tell you that your short affair wasn't acceptable to me. You dismissed that and tried to ignore the impact of your infidelity. I tried to get you to go see a marriage counsellor, but you again refused to do that. So, I did what I thought I had to do in order to protect the kids. They wee my first priority, I was my second priority. I needed to do the things that I needed to do to survive.You became my third priority. "

He took another drink and a mouthful of the food. After he finished swallowing he continued. "For a while there, early on, you were wearing me down and I almost gave in. Then you compounded your mistake when went to lunch with your boyfriend..."

"...He's not my boyfriend!"

"Then what do you call him? After all, you know him well."

"I spent one night with him...". Jim held up his hand for me to stop. "It doesn't matter now." He said.

"So, I've waited a year for you to tell me that you've regretted what you did and in that time you have never once said that having sex with him might have been the wrong thing to do. So, now it's my turn to do something."

Jim took a large envelope out of his briefcase and pushed it over the table to me.

I looked at it as if it was a ticking time bomb. "What's this?"

"What it looks like. It's for you. It tells you what I want. And don't want."

"Jim I love you. Only you. That one night was just one night, that's all it was. Just one night out of our long lives. We have a family and we are going to grow old together. We're going to see our children grow up and become adults and have their own families. Hell, I thought we might even have one more. I love you so much, can't you see that?"

"If you love me so much, you have a weird way of showing it. If you love me so much why did you casually throw me away for a night of sex with him? Yeah, you love me so much."

Jim took another mouthful of food and a drink.

"Yes, Linda, I suppose you love me, but you clearly love him. That's why you've been seeing him every month for the last year. I have photos. I know what you've been doing."

The room started spinning and I felt light-headed. I had to hang on to the sides of the table to steady myself.

"So, have a look at the documents in that envelope. It spells out what I want. It spells out that we will share custody of the children. I will stay in the house with the kids and you will move out. You will be allowed to have the kids with you on a very liberal schedule. I want a small amount of child support for them that I intend to put in bank accounts to fund their education when the time comes."

I couldn't believe what Jim was saying. But he kept going.

"Be warned right now, I will not under any circumstances allow you to have your boyfriend around my children. That is not negotiable. Not while I'm alive." He ate another mouthful of his food.

I was fighting the urge to throw-up. "...oh my god..."

"I'll give you a reasonable amount of time to find a place to live. It's all in the documents. Open the envelope and have a look if you don't believe me."

My hands were shaking and water was falling from my eyes, my nose was starting to run. I pulled the bundle out of the envelope and the first thing on the top were some large photos. The top one showed me going into Marc's house with his arm around my waist and my arm around his. There were several more pictures. I didn't need to look at them.

Jim looked at the photo and pointed, 'that one was about nine months ago. That was the first time that I had an investigator follow you. After that I had them check in on you a couple of times to see how often you were meeting him."

I stammered, "but you were ignoring me so much..."

"You know, if you had said that you had made a big mistake and apologized and owned your infidelity that one night, I might have forgiven you and we might have been able to stay married. But, you didn't. Not once did you ever say to me that you had fucked-up and made a mistake and were sorry for what you did. You never did that. You justified what you did by saying that you loved me. What you did is not love."

Jim put his fork down and pushed the plate away. He had eaten only about half of what was on the plate. He took a small sip from the glass and pushed that away too.

"I'm going out. I have a date. I met her a few months ago. She's divorced and has one child. I met her out biking and she's been coming to watch me play at the bar downtown. The kids have met her and her daughter. I think they like her."

He got up from the table. "You have a few days to get your things sorted out."

He turned and went to the bathroom to freshen up and change clothes. He came out in a sport jacket and a tie. I watched my life walk out the door.

**********

Linda

The next week was a blur. I went to a lawyer and talked to her to see what I could do. She looked at everything that Jim had given me and then looked at me like I was a turd. She said, "so, how much do you want to fight this?"

"Can I fight it."

"Not likely. Lavalliere is a well know womanizer and there's a long trail of women that he's bedded and dumped after the woman's husband has booted her to the curb. You've joined the list of the notches on his bedpost."

"Jesus."

"Jesus can't help you here. I can't do much for you either. The family law judges around here are all women and they despise cheaters, men or women. The best thing you can do is agree to what your husband want's and stay on his good side if you want to see your kids regularly. If we go to court and your husband shows these photos to the judge, you're done."

She looked at me like I was the stupidest person on the planet, and I was paying her.

"We can try and see if we can get marriage counselling. Your husband might get beat into submission that way, but since he was patient enough to wait a year, a few counselling sessions will be like water off a duck's back for him. No, I think your goose is pretty much cooked here. Sign and get this over with."

"Okay." I took the documents and signed where the yellow flags were.

My lawyer looked at me and asked, "did you ever think to just beg him for forgiveness? Get on your knees, tell him just how foolish you were, apologize and ask him to forgive you?"

I didn't answer.

She looked at me with a sad expression. 'No I guess you didn't."

We shook hands and I left.

**********

Jim

The last six months have flown by. Linda moved out to a two-bedroom apartment close to her work. The kids have been taking this better than I thought possible. The told me that some of the other kids at school have mothers and fathers that don't live together. Divorce is all too common now.

I arranged for after-school care for the kids and I work from home more than I used to. Linda gets to have the kids with her every other weekend and she's a good mother to them.

I've been dating. The woman that I met biking, Laura, is a very nice woman. She's 36 and has a 10-year-old daughter. Laura is an epidemiologist. She looks after patients at the hospital and teaches part-time at the medical school in the city.

Linda isn't dating anyone, not that I know of. I do know that the football player dumped her as soon as he found out that she was getting a divorce. He only likes married lovers. He gets off on the humiliation thing. Thing is, he got a lesson in humility himself courtesy of one of the husbands of one of the other women that he fucked. The husband took a piece of iron rebar to Jocko's knees. No knees, no football career. Couldn't happen to a more deserving asshole. If anyone ever gets charged I plan to contact their lawyer and help pay the fellows legal fees. That's only fair.

**********

Linda

If for only just a second, I could have looked into the future and saw the outcome of giving in to the fantasy that I had before that night with Marc, I would have run from Marc when he asked me to dance.

I tried to avoid the consequences by ignoring Jim's feelings. But then I kept making the same mistake over and over again. Without really thinking much about it I met up with Marc at lunch and got caught by one of Jim's co-workers. A few days later, Marc was texting me and before I really realized it I was in his bed for an afternoon. Afterwards, when I was home, I knew it was wrong but, Jesus, it felt so good. Especially since Jim was sleeping in the spare bedroom and not even touching me, at all. What was I supposed to do? I have needs, too. I fooled myself into thinking that I could have the benefit of Marc and my family life, at the same time.

When Jim started doing things with the kids and without me and then when he started doing things for himself, I was worried that he was going to leave me. But I knew from talking with Dee that if I waited him out, he would come around and see it my way. He would get lonely enough and want me back in his bed. But he didn't.

I got my apartment organized and got ready for the kids to come and stay with me. They even helped me unpack. Jim was good enough to give me whatever I wanted from the house so I have quite a bit of furniture. He gave me everything that I asked for and then some. I noticed that our wedding album was in one of the boxes that he had shipped to me. I put it on a shelf on the bookcase.

When I was alone in the apartment I began to realize jus what I gave up for a few hours of sex with a man that didn't care one bit about me. All he wanted was the ability to say that he had fucked another man's wife and gotten away with it. I heard that he had a visit for one husband and that his football career is over. Good for him. My life is over.

Jim is moving on. He spent a year waiting for me to come to my senses and I didn't. I was so sure that he would see things my way. I was so sure that he would let me have my one night and let it be with that. Why couldn't he have given me that? I know why, now. If I was unfaithful once, what was to stop me from doing it again. If he had let me off this time, I would assume that he would again. After all, I told him that I loved him and it meant nothing to me. If it meant nothing to me why did I do it?

Because I was stupid.

**********

Linda

I went to the bar where Jim performs every other Thursday. I sat in the back so that he wouldn't see me. I got a glass of wine and waited for him to start his show.

There was a good looking blond woman helping him set up and she got him a beer and herself a glass of wine, from the bar. After he got his guitar tuned, and the sound system adjusted he took a small sip of his beer and he and the woman talked. She was noticeably fussing over him. Just before he started, they kissed and she sat down at a table next to the stage.

He was very good. I didn't know that my husband was that talented. Sorry, ex-husband, almost. He did four songs and the last of his set was one that I had never heard before. I do remember a few of the lines though....

Some mistakes get made

That's alright, that's okay

You can think that you're in love

When you're really just in pain

Some mistakes get made

That's alright, that's okay

In the end, it's better for me

That's the moral of the story...

I couldn't stay for any more. I had to leave.

**********

Six months later

Jim

Every week I get better at being able to handle the challenges of single-fatherhood. I still have some contact with Linda when the kids go to stay with her. I don't resent her as much anymore. I'm trying to find my way and overall I'm lucky.

I found Laura, and her daughter, and we've been taking it slow. We have many of the same interests and our kids all seem to get along. That's important. We both have survived infidelity; we've talked about it and I think we agree that it's a relationship killer.

**********

Linda

"So, kids, what do you want to do this weekend?"

They both were unsure. They mentioned that their father was renovating the garage at the house. He was building an office in it. They told me that Jim was starting his own consultancy business. They weren't sure what that meant. They also said that Laura and Beth, that's her daughter, had moved into the house. Oh shit!

That was the final thing. I had been totally replaced as Jim's wife. A new woman was in his bed.

I was so stupid. I had a whole year to fix the disaster that I created and I didn't do it. I only made it worse. When Jim showed me the photos of me with Marc, I was busted. All my professing love for him was all washed away in a few brief seconds. But it wasn't just that final revelation. I threw 'us' away every time I spread my legs for that asshole Marc.

Every time.

I can't stop crying now.