February Sucks, Dinner Theater

"So if Asshole had picked you, as you wanted him to, you'd have done the same thing?"

"I would." She flung her answer into my face.

Dave started to chuckle...but took a look at his wife's very concerned face as she stared sympathetically at Jim and decided to go to the bar and fetch another tray of shooters for him and Phil instead.

"Well this is going south real fast." I said to the table at large.

"And Dave took off just when he has some important lines to read!" complained Dee.

"Let's just skip ahead and get this shit-show over with. I'm starting to feel a real need to be elsewhere. I'll read Dave's damned lines myself."

"Ok, for Dave, I mean, yeah, that was a shitty thing to do, but you two are going to make it, aren't you? You're not going to divorce Linda over this, are you?"

"Now for me, I don't see why I shouldn't, I responded coldly. There was a gasp around the table.

"Why are you all acting surprised?" I continued. "We all know how we feel about cheating: once and done. We established that long ago."

*****

We waited as the other amateur actors finished their lines and returned to their tables. When the show's MC decided enough time had elapsed, he allowed the doors to be opened and the Marcs and Lindas - well, most of them - came strolling back to their tables. There were two notable exceptions for our table, neither Paul nor Linda returned.

Things were awkward for a while.

"It's in the script, Jim! We're sure she'll come back to you." Seemed to be the consensus.

"I'm beginning to think that Jack-Off Antoine has trumped my Ace in this little farce."

As it became increasingly obvious that the pair weren't coming back, things were just down right humiliating. All of the ladies of our group took great pains to reach out and touch my hands, my arms, even my face. All three mumbled, soothing words, like: "You'll survive this Jim; you're one of the good ones; a real keeper; and finally the girls all seemed to agree, you'll have no problem finding company to comfort you Jim."

I appreciated their support. The two remaining husband's weren't good enough actors to hide the smirks that would flash across their faces as they looked at each other. No doubt they were thinking, 'Cuckold!' even as they were mumbling meaningless 'Platitudes,' to my face, probably thanking their lucky stars it was happening to me and not them, while slurping back their shooters.

I was stunned. No words could express what I was feeling.

I suddenly became as cold as ice inside.

When you go through something this traumatic and the almost certainly equally traumatic subsequent divorce to boot, you need a goal - some reason to carry on and get out of bed the next morning. I also determined to not succumb to my first thought which was to sink down into the oblivion found in the bottom of a bottle. I instantly knew that, since I apparently no longer had a faithful wife, my goal focus would be on all that would remain of my family once all the crying was over - the care and protection of my kids.

Without another word I got up, put on my jacket and left. 'Screw them!' I thought, 'and the bill, since this little theater group had gotten us involved in this mess, they could pay for the cheating slut themselves.'

*****

I was hoping that this was some kind of joke that Linda was pulling. All the way back to our room I thought that I'd find her inside wearing the sexy new lingerie that she had so pointedly laid out on the bed, before we left.

Nope.

After watching the clock slowly click through a half hour and still no Linda, I thought I was going to blow a fuse. I needed to talk to somebody about the situation. That's when I thought of LW a trusted old family friend and lawyer. He could even get the divorce paperwork going, if it should come to that.

I took a chance and phoned LW. As it turned out the old curmudgeon, was still up, even at this late hour, and after listening to my tale of woe was just as incensed as I was. More importantly he promised to look into it. Like just about any lawyer he had quite a few helpful contacts in low places.

I was just getting myself something to drink out of the mini-bandit fridge in our - 'our!' That's a sick joke flickered through my mind - room, when there was a hesitant sounding knock on my door.

I yanked it open expecting it to be my guilty as sin wife, but now contrite and whinging for forgiveness.

It wasn't the slut.

At least not the one I was expecting.

It was Jane.

"I hope I'm not intruding Jim? Phil is passed out stone cold dead to the world and I thought maybe you needed some company. Can I come in?" she asked, hesitantly.

Forcefully cooling my jets, that I had already powered up to let go full blast at my wife, I stepped aside while holding the door open and waved her inside.

I offered her a drink.

"Yes, White wine please."

I could imagine hearing the fridge going, "cha-ching" as I opened its door.

"Jim, I'm so sorry about what happened tonight. You have to believe me that I had no idea Linda would get so into her role and take it so far. I feel so bad, how can I ever make it up to you...?"

"It's not your fault - this is clearly on her. I don't know where we go from here. Divorce? Almost certainly. Maybe I'll have to leave the neighbourhood. I'll miss you. You were always kind and understanding."

"Jim...No! Is there anything I can do to make this right?"

As she said this, her hand, which I hadn't noticed before sliding into my lap, pulled my zipper down.

She soon had Mighty Jim standing tall and proud.

Next thing I knew she was down on her knees, and I was soon in heaven. Any thought about whatever Linda was up too with whomever was forgotten.

I'm sure that was the intention.

I exploded in her mouth. She swallowed. Then licking her lips and washing it down with the last of her wine she got up and gave me a deep tongue filled kiss before whispering in my ear, "Good men like you are few and far between - I know, as witness the loser I made the mistake of marrying. Lindas a real fool to risk losing you. If you should decide to kick her to the curb I want to be the first one you call. Dream about me and maybe it will become real, perhaps as soon as the next time my husband goes away on a business trip."

Jane had only been gone for a couple of minutes and I was just finishing off the last of the mingy little air-line sample of scotch when my phone rang. Again I was about ready to unload on the bitch, but it was LW.

"Has the slut shown up yet?"

"No."

"OK, here's what I've found out so far. It turns out that the two brothers, Antoine and Marc - everybody assumes because of their French names they are from someplace like Montreal - and they're partially right, but the family emigrated when they were kids after their father had a job transfer to get a big promotion, just like you. You'll never guess where they moved to...get this...Amarillo Texas, of all places. The two boys jointly inherited the family spread when their parents passed. In the off season for football and filming they still go and vacation there. They have quite the reputation for womanizing and seducing the local wives - just like they did to you and Linda and lots of others. As you can well imagine, quite a few local husbands, including a couple in the Sheriff's department, would look the other way if something bad were to happen to them. But that aside, how are you doing? Are you going to get through this?"

"Well just a while ago I began to feel a little better."

"Good, good. That's the spirit. Keep it up. I'm calling in a couple of favours from some...ah associates I have in that part of the world. I've made a good start on filling out your divorce petition. I'll call you back when I have anything more. Bye now." and with that LW hung up. Jim thought, 'the old bugger is enjoying this - just like his old trial days.'

Just then there was a furious pounding on my door.

'Oh, crap - here we go. The cliché, super-pissed, husband who is going to punch me in the nose,' I thought. Resigned to my fate, I opened the door.

An irate, tearful Barbara stormed past me into my room.

"They aren't here?"

"Where are those two cheaters?"

I figured it was a rhetorical question that I couldn't answer, so I just gave her one of those palms up, shoulder type shrugs, and kept my mouth shut - to see where she was going with this.

"That bastard!" she said. "I told him that if it happened again...I would go out and get some strange, too!"

There was a long pregnant pause while she eyed me up and down like I was a slab of meat that she was contemplating eating. "What do you think I should do?"

That's the kind of question that there is no winning response to. So I still kept my mouth shut. I figured that Linda had already left the dock of our marriage behind and paddled up shit creek in a canoe with her new lover before ditching the paddles so she had no way back. I wasn't planning to stick my own oar - well, aside from Jane's sampler - in anybody else's marriage.

Except, Barbara had other ideas.

A 'cha-ching' later, and a lot of lip and tongue play persuaded my oar to take over the blood supply from my brain. So much for my resolve to keep Mighty Jim under control. A lengthy bout of swinging from the chandelier, wild monkey sex and we were a very happily revenged cuckold and cuckquean.

As she was getting her clothing reorganized to leave, Barbara winked at me and said, "When you decide to dump Linda, call me. I'm going to need a good man!"

When she left, I thought I was done for the night.

But my phone rang again. 'Ah, that will be the bitch now,' I thought. 'Trying to test out the waters and find out if it's safe to come back to the room after her tryst with the slimy, soap, star.'

I was wrong, it was LW. "Ok, I finished the divorce paperwork and as soon as you say 'go' I can file it with the court on Monday?"

I didn't hesitate, "Go!"

"Good man, I knew your mama didn't raise no stupid son. Also, I found out the soap's shooting schedule - they wrap in the spring when summer re-run season begins. Guess who routinely returns to the home hacienda for a break then? It also happens to coincide with some friends of mine going out for a spring pig hunt. Who knew they have a big problem with wild pigs in that part of the world? Anyhow, they'll be happy to have you come along and even give you a deer rifle with a scope to bag one - or if you're a good enough shot you could just de-bag one." LW burst into laughter at his own joke - I swear he was practically cackling with glee. He was definitely enjoying this.

As soon as I said, "Hell yes!"

He practically shouted, "Hallelujah," and hung up again.

Then Dee showed up at my door. She came bearing gifts. She had a few of those mini-bottles of whiskey in one hand and a couple of those, little blue pills in the other. She apologised profusely explaining that Dave was passed out cold and that she felt so bad about the part she played in the melodrama and was determined to do whatever she could to make it right.

Dee spoke a bit hesitantly and softly, "Linda told me the story of a high school friend who had offed himself on booze and pills on valentine's day after his long-time girlfriend had stood him up to go out with the star football player. You aren't thinking of doing anything silly like that are you Jim?"

I considered it for about a nanosecond...then decided revenge was a better option.

I took the proffered whiskey and pills off Dee.

She smiled broadly and proceeded to do a strip tease and peeling off her clothes, while singing a few lines from the song, 'Lady Marmalade,' in a terrible imitation French accent, "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?"

I said simply, "Mais Oui," and then we got it on.

And in...a time or three.

Gotta love the color blue.

*****

Linda arrived at the hotel room about noon to start doing damage control - read manipulating and pacifying me.

She opened the door to our suite and announced proudly, "It's still just me, the same old me as always." And then she stopped cold and shut up as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing. Even though I was very busy at the time, I turned my head to glare daggers at her and saw her mouth drop open so far I could imagine it falling right off and bouncing on the floor.

I was balls deep in Dee's ass and pounding away for all I was worth. And she was screaming, "Yes...yes... fuck me stud...Oh...My...God...Yeah...Just like that!" Linda's special underwear was swinging to and fro in time to my pumping from one of Dee's dance pumps.

I gave her my best smile and rapturously announced, "I trust you had...a very fulfilling...night dear...I certainly did...I had a very...Happy Valentine's Day...treat after all...in fact three...of them."

Dee was face down on the bed and seemed totally unconcerned about Linda being there as she furiously rubbed a couple of my fingers like a live dildo on her clit. She started making inarticulate little grunts alternating with the odd comment like, "yeah...yeah...ride me cowboy," and then she suddenly started to scream, "I'm going to come...I'm coming..." and then I forgot Linda myself for a couple of minutes while I shot another load into Dee.

Linda had slowly collapsed to her knees on the floor and watched with a shocked tear streaked face as she cried out her new mantra, "Oh, what have I done...what have I done...what have I done?"

Dee seemed to finally notice Linda and smirked at her before getting up and dressing as she said, "You're not just good man - you're superb, compared to that drunk I'm currently saddled with. Call me! She left after giving me a scorcher of a tongue tangling kiss that started Linda bawling some more. Meanwhile, I finished dressing myself and started collecting my belongings and stuffing them in my suitcase.

"Jim please...please don't leave me. You have to understand...It's something I felt compelled to do. My... my friends were so jealous and envious of me...I just had to do it... It's over you've had your revenge... we're even. You have to forgive me. It's still just me, the same old me as always."

"Oh yeah, I understand. We will never be even, you destroyed our family and our future, and I Don't Have To Forgive You. Thanks to your cheating on, 'our special night,' I'm not the same old me - that me is gone forever. When you chose to stomp on my heart you were stomping on my moral compass as well. I'm no longer that, 'Good,' old Jim. You've destroyed me. When you cheated on me, I considered our marriage to be over - all except for the crying and the settlement details. And another thing - the revenge has only started."

"Right now, I want to get going and enjoy as much time with the kids as I can. Did you even think about them at all last night when you were getting your jollies and cavalierly destroying our family? What are we to you, just some bit part collateral damage extras in your unicorn filled, magical theater, fantasy world? Remember how it feels, slut, when you get the divorce papers." I had on my second best smile as I said that.

"Oh, what have I done...?" wailed Linda.

I was already more interested in considering which phone call, I should make first. The willing females were obviously already coming forward. Using the opening of trying to console me - perhaps preparing to make a play for me?

Now I understood why Antoine would say, "Like shooting fish in a barrel." But it didn't make me sympathetic to him - I still intended to get out to the target range a few times between now and spring and practice shooting at tiny targets.

Yes I had been changed by this sad experience, and not for the better, because I intended to sample as many of the consolers as possible until my grief was totally behind me.

As I was closing the door on the room and my old life, I turned and looked at my - already in my mind - ex-wife one last time as she was totally collapsed crying on the floor. There was a time when that would have triggered me to rush to comfort her, but not now.

The last thing I said to her was, "You're not My problem anymore!"

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