February Sucks - Gone Girl

Jim

Over the next four weeks, things gradually slowed down. Gradually. I'd met once with the FBI. So had my former friends, although a bit more than once. The media was focused on some Supreme Court decision and subsequent protests, so our little story fell off the radar. I was thankful for that. My kids were very sad. It hurt me more than Linda leaving. They were my life, especially now. I spent every free minute with them, trying to quell the hurt.

L.W. kept me briefed as best he could. He was in contact with LaValliere's people, but there wasn't much to report. The trail went dead at the airport in Florida. The small prop job had taken off from a smaller airfield in Dade County. The FBI knew the name of the pilot, and he was the registered owner of the aircraft that never made it to Cuba. The problem was, both he and his airplane had totally disappeared. L.W. admitted that they could be almost anywhere, from Mexico, to Central America, to the Caribbean - even Jamaica, although the feds capitulated that it was unlikely they'd gone to a densely populated or urban center.

My friend and attorney tried to remain positive, but the grim look I sometimes saw on his face told me that he didn't hold out much hope for a happy ending to this story. Tight end extraordinaire Marc LaValliere had talked to the media, and made clear that he was on the case, spending resources, and cooperating with local and federal authorities. He apologized and empathized with 'the family' who were suffering because of his former employee, and vowed to do all he could to bring that poor woman home safely to her grieving husband and children. Yeah, right.

One bright spot was the therapist that L.W. had recommended for me. Her name was Ellen - Ellen Watson, with a bunch of letters afterwards. She was about the kindest soul I think I've ever met. She was certainly in the right business. Ellen let me talk and talk, until I was all out of words and thoughts. She gave me tips to help the kids heal, even though they had their own therapist. I quickly became endeared to her. As I said, she let me do most of the talking, but at the end of our session, she would provide suggestions, exercises, and overall encouragement. I found all of it to be extremely helpful and real world stuff.

Coming up on Memorial Day, now almost two months since I lost my wife, I received a call from Dave. He started the call by trying the tired old, "Hey buddy, how have you been?" instead of apologizing. I hung up straight away. His text came a few minutes later, "Jesus, Jim, I just wanted to see how you're getting on. Fuck, man, all this shit isn't my fault. When you're done playing victim give me a call." Fuck you, Dave. I thought it but didn't text back. That was hard not to do, but I'd learned in therapy that some of this, maybe even most of it, wasn't anyone's fault. Joke or no, Linda had left with the guy and never came back. The one question I might never get an answer to, was did she go willingly, or was this all on the asshole, Joe Jackson?

Not long after Memorial Day weekend, my parents asked if they could take the kids to our local water park. Usually, it wouldn't even be an ask, but they worried about me being alone for extended periods of time. I assured them I'd be good, and the kids needed some fun and bonding time after all the crap. They seemed to be weathering this much better than their father.

I was lost in thoughts on Saturday morning, pushing my lawnmower around the back yard when a movement caught my eye. Just inside the back gate I saw a sullen, worried Jane staring back at me. Out of all these assholes, I did regard Jane as the least evil. I took a breath and a longer exhale. I guess I could at least see what she wanted and then kick her out if it went sideways.

"Hello Jane, how are you?"

She stood quite still for longer than necessary, and I saw her willing herself to keep it together. She failed. "OH JIM!" she cried out in anguish. Still rooted to her spot, I got a sense she might collapse any moment. I closed the distance between us and then held my arms open in a universal sign.

Jane rushed to me, holding on tight, and I let her sob onto my shoulder. I guess my sweat wasn't too revolting.

When it seemed the required amount of crying time had passed, I said "Come on into the house Jane. You're gonna dehydrate in this heat."

She just nodded and followed me through the screen door.

"Lemonade, iced tea, or something stronger?" I offered.

"Iced tea would be fine."

We said nothing to one another until the beverages were poured and we made our way to the living room, a room her and I and our spouses had sat together in hundreds of times.

I let her make the first move. "I...I don't know what to say Jim, except that I'm so, so sorry about all of this."

"I believe you Jane. I've known you long enough to judge genuine remorse. As for the rest of those assholes, they can fuck off and die for all I care."

Jane looked shocked and obliterated. "You...I...You can't mean that?" she cried out.

"I'm sorry, Jane, I didn't mean it, well, I didn't mean the dying part. Everything else, yes." I said very matter-of-factly. Then I waited for her reaction.

"Jim, Phil is taking this the hardest, he..."

"He should be, don't you think?" I interrupted.

"Oh." She stated. "You've heard. Of course you've heard, it was your attorney."

I nodded. "Yes. I learned about the whole sorry stunt, and what all of you thought about me as a person, but only after my so-called friends tried to have me arrested, and I had to pay thousands of dollars to mount a defense. Which I'm told I'm still not completely out of the woods, if the cops get lazy or sloppy. They need someone's head on a spike, since that asshole LaValliere is involved."

Jane seemed to consider that revelation, and ponder the implications. Before she could formulate a thought I continued.

"But make sure that asshole husband of yours knows, I'm this close to filing civil suits against him and all the rest of you. If the FBI or local police give me any more trouble, I'm coming after all the co-conspirators. As far as I'm concerned, Linda's disappearance is all your faults - you and the fucker she ran with."

Jane was now starting to understand my position on the matter. "Jim, you can't possibly think that Linda would run off with some...stranger. She loves you more than her own life. She'd never leave her children for some man she just met. You don't really believe your own friends would condone that either do you?"

"I don't know what to believe," I started but got up to get a beer from the fridge. The iced tea wasn't getting it done. Coming back with one for Jane, because I knew she drank beer too, I continued.

"My wife is gone. Bottom line. I don't know if I'll ever see her again. I've got two small children, so honesty I can't dwell on whether she'll ever return. Regardless of the situation, I have to go to work and earn money, keep a roof over our heads, take the kids to counseling, and on top of that, I have to go to therapy twice a week so I can cope."

"What are the police saying?" she asked.

"That's another thing. I don't know who I can trust. I can't answer your question. You were here, at my door with those two detectives. You were the one they sent into my home. What did they ask you to do, Jane? Huh? Go see if Linda's dead body was in our room? 'Hey, while you're at it check and see if he killed his children too.'" I was on a roll, and needed to get this out.

"How could you all? Huh? How could you do this to me? To Linda? Some half-assed joke, with some stranger nobody vetted? Then to have the audacity to think that the victim had something to do with Linda disappearing? That was the intent after all, right Jane? Make the old bump on a log the victim? Ha ha, poor old Jim. We'll teach him a lesson. What did Dave text me? 'got you good ah buddy?'

"Well fuck all of you! I'll never forgive any of you for what you've done. I'm destroyed. My family and my life are destroyed. And for what? To try to get me to loosen up? Be less conservative? What? Screw all of you Jane. You tell them."

Jane leapt to her feet and fled the house, leaving the front door wide open. I heard her bawling as she ran down the driveway. I cried too. for a whole hour, I cried. It was cathartic. Finally I went back to my yard work.

I'll give her credit. She was determined. As I cut the last swath of grass, I looked up and there she was again. This time she came to me. "Jim, I'm sorry I ran out. I feel so guilty about what we...what I did. I'm ashamed beyond my understanding of shame. I can't even begin to understand how you must feel, so I won't try to empathize. Some days I wish I were dead. I'm so, so sorry Jim. What can I do to help you and your family? I'll do anything I can. Anything you'll let me. Please let me? Whatever you need."

I was starting to feel sorry for her. I realized that she was another casualty of this fucked up situation. She wasn't like the others. Not down deep where it counted. She even tried to take the blame for the others. Maybe she'd been thinking she could have somehow stopped this train wreck.

I gave her a real hug this time. "Come on Jane. Let's go sit down and try this again. I actually need to know how this whole shit show got started. That would be a thing you can help me with."

Jane and I resumed. "Tell me from the beginning, Jane. Don't leave anything out. As hard as it may become for both of us, I need to know."

"First, Jim, this wasn't Linda's idea. In fact, she fought it in the beginning. This was...Phil's idea. That's partly why I needed to talk to you, but we'll get to that later. Phil, and I guess I now know Dee, were...are pretty mean. And they don't care much for you, Jim. They don't hate you or anything like that. They just don't seem to care for your personality. Your 'holier than thou' attitude, they call it. They're partiers, Jim. I've come to realize since this sordid mess, that Phil and I are not on solid ground, like I once thought. He's looking for freedom, and I guess, wickedness. That's my word, not his. He sees me as he sees you. I'm boring. Drab, even. That's what he actually said. He told me I need to get onboard, or else. Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.

"It started when Linda mentioned to Dee what you said about the hotel and a designated driver for our night out. Phil and I had stopped over their place, I think it was the day after Dee called Linda about her last day of February idea. Phil was mocking you, saying, 'that's so typical of Jim.' Something about you wanting to rent an armored car to drive us the block from the Morrison to the club. Dee joined in, making fun of you, and saying how sorry she felt for Linda, marrying an old 'fuddy-duddy'.

I gave Phil a ration on the way home, telling him I couldn't believe he'd talk such trash behind his friend's back. He just shrugged and told me he really wasn't friends with you, and if it wasn't for me, Linda and Dee, he would never even talk to a guy like you."

I asked, "so what was Dave saying all this time? Was he in on it, or was he silent?"

"Jim, Dave's in a tough spot. Sort of like me, but different to a degree. Let me explain, how I see it.

I'm not sure if

you knew, but Dee is a slut. She's also what women call a real bitch. She wears the pants in that relationship. I don't think Dave's a wimp or anything, I just think he hasn't evaluated his life recently. Who knows? This...situation may be the thing that helps him with that. It sure has for me. Anyway, what she says goes for now. And it has for a long time. Maybe he's more like Phil. Maybe he just wants to be. But I see it as him trying to keep the peace with his wife."

That made all the sense in the world to me. It was a shock to suddenly realize that's exactly how I had most of them pegged too. Now I wondered what could have possibly allowed me to hang out with any of them. I guess I was doing it for Linda too.

"I think it was 4 or 5 days later that Phil called Dave and Dee. I listened in on the conversation. Phil was at work BS'ing with co-workers and Marc LaValliere came up. One of the guys mentioned that he was a drinking buddy of LaValliere's body double, and how much the guy really looked like Marc. Anyway, an epiphany hit him later that afternoon. Wouldn't it be fun if they could get this guy to come over like the star tight end, and ask one of the women to dance? Dee almost immediately said, that would be fun to trick the other people in the club, but wouldn't it be something if they could trick you at the same time.

The plan took on a life of its own after that. There wasn't much time to set it up. Phil decided he needed to meet this guy first, before springing it on Linda, so he asked Dave to come along with his friend from work. They met at some local watering hole. This Joe was somewhat reluctant at first, worrying that Linda's husband might go berserk, and he didn't want that kind of trouble. Phil and Dave persuaded him you were a big pussycat, and they showed Joe a photo of Linda. That one with all of us on the river cruise two years ago. Dave said it was odd how quickly he changed his mind after looking at the photo.

"He got a little nasty. 'Shit, that's a hot piece of ass,' he told Phil. 'I wouldn't charge you guys anything if I can fuck her.' Dave immediately jumped in with, 'No way! Yes, Linda's hot all right, but we're just trying to play a little joke, not split up a marriage here.' That's about all I remember of the actual dialogue. With that set, it was only a matter of getting Linda's buy in. That was more than enough to worry me, the way that guy talked about Linda.

"At first she didn't say no, but HELL no. She questioned Phil and then Dee as to why they'd even consider something like that. We were all five of us sitting right here in your living room. But they kept at her. It was a joke. Wouldn't it be good to loosen Jim up a little bit? She'd be going right back to you after all. I suggested that I didn't think there would be a happy ending to your special night back at the hotel. I told them I thought you'd be hurt and humiliated. And of course you were, more than anyone would have thought. I saw it in your eyes that night. I knew Linda was in big trouble, joke or not. I'm not patting myself on the back, Jim. They were all against me. Still, I wish I could have convinced Linda. I'd give anything to go back in time and help her fight the peer pressure. Keep trying to talk her out of it, and make her see reason.

"She didn't have long, Dee told her. There was planning and logistics if they were going to pull it off, and they told Linda they had to make sure it didn't go all wrong, didn't go south on her. They had to coordinate so that Linda would get a text as soon as you left the club. She was going to try to wait until you were in your room, but there was a chance you'd see her in the lobby. So as to not make a scene, she'd tell you she realized her mistake quickly and dumped him to come back to you, the man she loved. Phil had asked Joe if he wanted us to get a limo for their great escape. Joe laughed at them, saying, 'I thought you said I couldn't fuck her.' Then he said his sports car would do.

"Linda was sheepish and leery until the morning of the 28^th. Then she seemed to be all in. I don't know what changed her mind. You know the rest, except that Paul and Chelsea didn't know until the night before. Tim and Mary didn't know until it happened. Phil said he thought Mary might pile on, trying to convince Linda it was a bad idea. Looking back, I should have asked the obvious question of Phil. If it's so bad, why do it? Anyway, Mary and her husband were so disgusted they left three minutes after you did, without saying a word to any of us. Dee texted Linda 'Go time' after you left the club, but she didn't get a reply. None of us thought anything of it. I mean, what could go wrong?"

Jane choked up at her own words, and started crying again. This time I did not console her.

"Jim, I have a confession. It's been eating me alive for months. I really thought you blew a gasket and did something to Linda out of some kind of blind rage. I thought that because I would have. When Dee called me Saturday, telling me she couldn't get Linda to respond, and you screamed and hung up on her like a madman, I started to fear the worst. In my mind, I could picture Linda trying to explain, trying to talk you down and herself out of it really. My brain told me, it would only take saying one wrong thing and maybe that's what Linda did. You snapped, and out of anger, well you get it.

"I'm sorry about that. I'm regretful that I didn't have more faith. And I'm ashamed that I joined them on the wellness check. I just had to see for myself."

We sat in silence for quite a while. Then I needed another beer. The kids wouldn't be back until tomorrow anyway.

"Why do you think she did it?" I asked with no emotion.

"What?" Jane asked, coming out of her fog.

"You're one of her best friends. Why do you think she decided to play along?"

"I don't know Jim. I've thought about that a lot. She loves you, that I know. She's always talked about that when we were together. I can't believe she'd lie just for the sake of lying. What I can say, is why she was initially resistant. Something about a high school boyfriend, somebody I'd never even heard of."

"Boyfriend?" I asked surprised. "I know about one or two, did she say who?"

"No. Not a name. I think something bad happened to him. She seemed sad when she talked about him."

"Oh" I replied. "That's...I can't remember his name. He killed himself a few years ago. She was pretty shook up."

"She said something about déjà vu when we were all talking that first day. I doubt the others even picked up on it. I thought it was strange."

"Yeah that is odd. I guess I'll never know what she was thinking."

"OH NO! Jim, don't say that. Don't give up on her!" Jane was back to being very emotional.

I didn't answer her, and the room once more filled with silence. A thought came to me.

"Something doesn't fit, Jane. I think I'm a pretty good judge of character, although I've been questioning myself a lot lately on that subject. I also believe what you've said so far. What was with the whole 'Swimsuit model' thing then? At the moment you said all that, I thought, 'damn, she's just as dumb as the rest'.

Jane didn't hesitate. "Because, Jim. I could see my worst fears were coming true. I could see how hurt and upset you were. I knew my suspicions would now come true. Your special night was dead in the water, so I was just trying my best to soften the blow. Or avoid you two having a blow-up later in the room. I didn't...have time to come up with a stronger argument."

We sat quietly a while longer when finally, Jane changed gears.

"What can I do to help, Jim? I'm serious about that. Can I help with the kids? John and Kristy miss your kids terribly. I can help you care for them, and it would be good for them to spend time with friends."

"I don't know Jane. The others would see that as some sort of truce and it's not. I never want to see them. I also will not have my kids exposed to Phil. I fucking hate him Jane. I'm sorry, but I do."

She came back quickly. "I would care for them away from our house. Here, maybe. If I'm going to be brutally honest, Phil and I are not in a good place, since that...you know. He's been giving me ultimatums lately, on top of the frosty atmosphere. He wants this freedom, I guess. He wants us to start doing some things on our own, hang out with friends without each other. He brought up separate vacations last week. The worst thing is he asked me to consider an open marriage. Says he thinks he can get Dee and Dave to go for it. Maybe even Paul and Chelsea. He seems to think he's some sort of influencer. I'm pretty sure I'm losing my marriage, because I could never go along with what he's suggesting. Problem is, I can tell he's serious about it, and it's breaking my heart."