February Sucks - Gone Girl

The next few weeks had been a blur, merging back into my children's lives, going to therapy -almost daily, it had seemed - and getting reacquainted with my friends and family.

Jim

We were only 4 weeks until our proposed wedding date. I'd seen Ellen and Meagan 3 times per week, and we'd have dinner together. Afterwards, Meagan would go do something so her mom and I could have alone time to talk. She seemed overly clinical in her probing. It was never anything personal about me and Linda, as if she dreaded knowing. I understood.

One night I just couldn't take it anymore. "Ellen, we're just weeks away from the wedding. I need to find an exit strategy here. I want to be with you. The problem is, she's really trying; going all out to be honest. She seems to better grasp the situation she caused, and the aftermath with me."

Ellen smiled, but it wasn't her best smile. "Don't try to force it Jim. Weddings can be rescheduled, if it comes to that." I wasn't sure if she meant the date or if we were ever going to get married.

"Let's allow it work itself out. You owe it to yourself, and probably Linda too, even though you may not see it that way."

"But it isn't fair to you, babe," I'd whined. "I hate leaving you hanging like this. I don't want you to lose interest in me. I need you."

"Jim, I'm not going anywhere. Believe me, I know it isn't fair, and I suppose most days I just put on a brave face. I am worried, and my mind plays terrible tricks on me, but I'm in all the way, until you tell me you two are getting back together."

"Never gonna happen Ellen. That much I know." What a damned mess.

Then, out of left field, everything happened in a short ten hour period.

"I don't know Linda. This isn't some trick is it? Well it better not be. Will any of my ex-friends be there? I don't want to see them. Okay, let me think about it."

Linda had asked me out on a date. The problem was, I couldn't think of any legitimate reason not to. Finally, I conceded. That's how it felt: I'd caved.

She'd come out of her bedroom in a little blue dress. Not the same one she wore to the Morrison, but close. She saw my face before I could even react.

"Sorry. SORRY! Hang on a second, I'll go change." She came back with a more conservative red number on. Much better.

Dinner was nice. We'd engaged in mundane conversation about the kid's summer camp, her mom wanting to sell the house and downsize. Then about Dave and Dee's divorce. I hadn't even known about that. Seems Dave finally woke up to the fact that his wife was not of the same mind about certain things.

Afterwards, we went to a club on the other side of town that had an oldies rock band. Thank god the speakers weren't cranked up to nuclear meltdown. Between dinner and the club, Linda and I were on bottle number two of Cabernet, and feeling no pain. Linda looked beautiful, and some of the old feelings were coming back.

Then there he was. Standing right there.

"Hi Jim, good to see you again." He turned towards Linda and I thought she might pass out. "And you must be Linda. Marc LaValliere. The real Marc LaValliere." He probably said that due to the frightened look she bore.

"I'm glad to see you back home. I had some of my people looking for you, until the FBI came up empty." It was very awkward. Marc didn't know what to say, and Linda looked like she'd seen a ghost. She couldn't stop looking at him.

"Ah...I figure I owe you a dance." He held out his hand. He was talking to her, but looking at me. Linda looked down at his hand for a moment. "I'm sorry," she said, coming out of her trance, "all my dances are only with Jim tonight."

"Understood. Well you two have a lovely evening, and I'm happy everything turned out alright." With that, he left us. Little did he know.

I grabbed Linda's hand and helped her to her feet. "Come on, we're here to dance right?" I smiled, and for the first time since the last leap year day, I saw Linda's best smile. Memories and warm feelings came flooding back. I whisked her away, before something else could happen.

Two fast dances, and then two slow ones. By the second, Linda had her head on my chest, and we both had our arms around each other's waists. Linda's hip brushed my erection, and we both realized it was there for the first time. She lifted her head to look into my eyes.

"Jim, maybe it's too soon, and maybe I'm being really forward, but can we get a room? I need you badly. It's been so long; too long. I won't get upset if you say no, but I will be disappointed."

I was stuck; confused. Mad at myself. I wanted Ellen, but I wanted this too. It wasn't fair. Linda read my dilemma.

"Please. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, then that rapist will be the last person I was with. I can't take that. Please."

She was almost begging. I relented. I'm glad Ellen wasn't having me followed, because I gave in way too easily.

We walked out after paying the tab, walked across the lobby to the adjoining hotel and booked in. We got a few looks being devoid of luggage. It wasn't a cheap place.

Things intensified as soon as the door closed. We were kissing, madly. Linda's lips crushed against mine, her hands very actively roaming, relearning my body. I found myself doing the same. The urgency was mind numbing. Clothes started flying. We were on the bed.

The first time, it felt like...I don't know how to describe it. I guess if I could watch a video later we would have looked like two animals going at it. We simply fucked each other's brains out. Afterwards, I rolled off of her, sweating and trying to catch my breath. But the big guy stayed at the ready.

Linda noticed and she rolled over towards me, lightly stroking my chest. We kissed, more romantically this time and with less urgency. That went on for a long time. Finally, after exploring each other, she'd climbed on top. After controlling the pace for a while, she'd gotten on hands and knees with me behind. We changed positions twice more, in no hurry this time. It was loving, tender and prolonged. Finally we were spent.

The whole thing was...unremarkable. I laid there contemplating that. How was that possible? Well, as I thought, there were plenty of ways. Then I remembered a conversation with Ellen, back in the beginning, when I was just her patient. We'd been discussing Linda's possible return. She called it 'break up' sex. It was very common. Over 90% with couples together ten years or more, so it seemed.

With that revelation, my mind celebrated what Linda and I had had, and I mourned for all we'd lost. Tragic but true. I couldn't look at Linda. Not out of embarrassment. Somehow, I knew she was reliving the night and thinking exactly what I was.

We laid there, staring at the ceiling as our breathing went back to normal. I guess, at least for me, what happened next, gave me some hope. Not for Linda and I. The idea that symmetry in soul mates exists, not just in theory, gave me a strong sense of closure that hadn't been there before.

We'd both turned to look at each other at exactly the same moment. I knew precisely the expression I was wearing on my own face, because I felt like I was looking in a mirror I don't think there's just one word to describe it. It's simply a finality, and an acceptance. Sadness, calm, closure, love. A 'this is it' moment. No more bursting into tears.

She led this time. "Jim, I will always love you, but I think we both know..." her voice trailed off, but she recovered.

"I need to tell you something. I wish I could have been courageous enough to corner Robbie and say it to him all those years ago. Jim, with all my heart, I'm so sorry about all of this, and I'll always love you." A single tear escaped her right eye as she lay on her side looking at me. I instinctively brushed it away softly with my thumb.

"I know you are baby." That had been the first term of endearment I'd used with her since a few minutes before she stood up to dance on that fateful night. Her face quickly brightened.

"I'll always love you too, and I'm pretty sure you know it. I'm also happy we both tried together, to make this work. I'm sorry it hasn't turned out like you wanted." She looked away for a second collecting her thoughts.

"That's actually the least of it Jim. I am sorry about us not working, sorry it started, but that isn't all. Oh boy. This will probably be the last time you and I are like this, here in this moment. There's more I need to say.

"Sorrow only scratches the surface, my wonderful man. Oh, I'm sorry about plenty. Sorry I played that awful prank. However, surrounding my sorrow is regret. Regret that I never went back to Robbie, forced him to hear it wasn't his fault, just some self-centered high school chick with her head in the clouds.

"Regret that I let our friends undermine my respect for you. I did, and I do love and respect you, but I also let them eat away at me. At first, it was just little digs and ribbing. I would always stand up for you when that happened. But instead of making them knock it off, I finally started to give way and even play along. That's my problem; my need for attention from my peers. Finally, I allowed it to all go to shit. Agreeing to that hurtful prank was my low point. The fact I never learned from that first mistake will haunt me forever.

"You were my whole life, and I casually tossed you away. Then I paid my penitence with that bastard Daryl. The only good thing to come out of this, I suppose is that having been held hostage and fearing for my life every day, has made losing you just a bit easier, perhaps even more tolerable. Jim, I regret everything I've done to rip us apart, and I hope someday you can forgive me."

I wiped away more tears. "Can I say something now, that's on my mind? I don't think it will do you any good to dwell on Robbie and the prom. Take it from someone who's been in those exact same shoes, I get what he went through. Yet, I'm living proof that it can be survived. You didn't kill him Linda. Please, if you don't want to take your therapists advice, do it for me, and for the children. More than anything, I want to see the strong, confident, and lively Linda back among us. The past really is the past."

Linda slightly nodded. "We'll tell the kids together? Tomorrow when they get home?"

"Yes"

"Jim?" she was choking up again. "You should go to Ellen in the morning and give her the good news. Hopefully with the kids and all, you'll let me get to know her better. I'll make sure she takes good care of you. It's the least I can do." That didn't anger me, I knew how she meant it and that it was sincere.

"But for this one last time can I fall asleep in your arms?"

I pulled her close and said good night.

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Jim and Linda present day

"I think you're up, stud. They're almost finished with their tiramisu." Ellen gave me a little elbow to the rib cage, with a smile on her face. I see a little pride in those eyes, along with the humor. We are sitting in Antonio's Italian Place, a favorite of ours. As it turned out, one of Linda's too.

It had been almost 18 months since my last night with Linda. Ellen had almost passed out with the good news the next morning, if you're wondering. Four days later, along with her mom, Meagan, my parents, Emma, Tommy and Jane, we'd flown to Las Vegas and gotten married. The kids had enjoyed our honeymoon. We didn't care that we hadn't been alone. We'd had all we needed. I'm also sure that Ellen knew what had happened the night Linda and I were together. She never talked about it.

True to her word, Linda indeed became close with Ellen, I think for the kids' sake at first, but eventually, when she was on more solid ground, for companionship as well. Our custody arrangement was so open the family court officer had just thrown up her hands and said, "Go for it". Linda got an apartment in the neighborhood four blocks over from ours. It was a regular occurrence to have Sunday BBQ at the Carlson's home with all the family, Jane and Linda. Jane had a steady guy now, and I was glad to see he seemed the polar opposite of Phil. Life was good again...

...which brings me to tonight.

Standing up and straightening my jacket, "How do I look?" I asked Ellen with a sneer.

"Good enough to eat. So get going and don't take all night" she clowns right back. Damn, I love her.

I walk across the restaurant, and right up to the table. "Hello Linda." I say matter-of-factly.

"Oh, hello Jim." She looks at her date, who I had already heard about. I'd been sizing him up from my table before I'd even stood. Perry's about my build, although sitting there, I can't gauge his height. He has a little grey in his goatee and just forming in his sideburns, so I'm guessing he's around my age, but probably a few years older.

"Jim, this is Perry. Perry, my ex-husband Jim," she says casually.

I reach out my hand to shake, and he reciprocates. "I've heard a lot about you," he says genuinely.

We shake, both firmly, but without any of the macho BS. "I don't mean to interrupt but do you two mind if I sit for a moment?" Perry looks at Linda questioningly, and she nods.

"Actually, I need the ladies room, so if you two can behave, I'll be right back." Linda says, knowing what's coming next. Obviously, the whole set up is for Perry. Poor guy.

I sit down across from him, and waste no time. "I actually wanted to speak with you Perry, so that worked out." I let it sink in. He's no stooge.

"Perry, as you know, Linda and I have this...well, unique past. I'm sure she's told you." He nods.

"Well, I still love Linda." Now he looks gob smacked.

"Notice I didn't say 'in love'. Of course I love her; we were together for 12 years. Plus we've been through an extraordinary set of circumstances. Thing is, she really likes you." Pause for effect. "Or else we wouldn't be having this conversation."

He's still leery, but at least the shock is gone.

"See, with our situation, and what we call 'the incident', Linda, the kids, my wife and I, and our extended families went through hell and back. Out the front again, we are all very close."

Pause. Clear throat.

"I wanted to let you know that, so as you two grow in your relationship, you're not uncomfortable. I'm no threat to you, so just go with it. I'm actually 'in love' with my wonderful wife over there." I point to our table and my lovely Ellen. "If you're as good a guy as Linda claims, you'll be welcomed with open arms."

"Okay" he says, seeming to wait for the other shoe to drop.

"A few more things; one, don't believe everything you read about us. Those media morons aren't real journalists these days. It's all sensationalized. Two, please be gentle with her. She's strong, but she's been through a lot. Have patience. Three, if you intentionally hurt her, well, you'll deal with me."

Perry smiles. I instantly like him. "Understood, sir." He's not mocking me.

"Fourth, call me Jim."

Linda returns. "Are you boys getting along?" she asks. "Jim, I see your wife over there flashing us the look. Perhaps you should go back to your own table now." I stand, kissing her lightly on the cheek. Perry rises to shake once more, and I return to my stunning bride. "Well?" is all she says.

"Let's go home, baby, and talk about that dessert." I'm already reaching for her hand.

Life is what you make it. We all make mistakes. Hopefully, we learn from them.