February Sucks - Linda's Choice Ch. 02

But that was not to be. The weather trashed all our plans, and we ended up at home for the weekend of snow and isolation. The kids made us watch "Frozen" a gazillion times. But we were happy as pigs in a mud pit.

Mark was down to an email a week. That was progress of sorts, I guess. And best of all, Jim and I had been talking and sharing again. And not just our day, the kids and mundane stuff. But our thoughts and issues.

The therapist explained to me how Jim might have been influenced by Don Snider's nasty emails. That much was obvious. But it wasn't until after Jim explained it to me in his own words that I understood what he had gone through. And even then, I felt he was holding back a bit.

"Jim honey, why didn't you talk to me? Ask me?"

"I almost did at first," he replied as we lay in the dark under the covers. "But you were pregnant with Tommy. He had me thinking the unthinkable for a man."

"Jim, NO! Tommy is your boy. Ours! Both kids are, Jim, I swear. We can do tests if you like to set your mind at ease."

"I already did," he replied.

It was a harsh thing for a wife and mother to hear from her husband. But then I was a cheater, wasn't I? Not back when we had our kids, but recently. Considering Snider had inundated Mark with emails detailing what he and I had done, I could understand how Jim was suspicious and withdrawn.

The therapist had explained it to me, and it was finally sinking in.

"Men are shattered by thoughts of infidelity more so than women. And another man impregnating their wife is their worse nightmare. Only a small percentage of men besotted by the cuckold lifestyle welcomed such thoughts and even acted them out. A few men hate the notion of their wife cheating and a man having sex with her, yet find themselves aroused by that sight or thought of it. Feeling guilty at their reaction, they withdraw and hate themselves for it.

"The guilt and self-deprecation are similar to when a woman becomes aroused during rape. Just as a woman questions herself after such a reaction, so do men who get turned on seeing their wife with another man. A woman's body doesn't know that a penis is unwanted by the mind. It reacts by producing lubrication and enjoying the physical sensation.

"Men are visually aroused. They are designed that way. The pretty woman. The stunning looking car. You get the picture. So, a man sees a woman having sex in a manner no different than porn, and he gets aroused by the erotic image. If it's not his woman, he dismisses it. But if it's his wife and he gets turned on, he feels guilty. The term cuckold, not voyeur, comes to his mind. And with the stigma that that word has had for centuries.

"True cuckolds seek that experience and convince their wife to indulge him by having sex with another man. But sadly, the term is used as a pejorative toward any man whose wife cheated on him. His wife is unfaithful, but we blame and ridicule the victim. We sure don't do that to women, do we? Instead, we feel sorry for her. We deride the man, and the men know it.

"Your husband had to deal with the notion that his wife may have cheated on him. It is an emasculating feeling. No wonder his sexual ways changed, and his confidence is out the window. You need to remind him that it was a lie and that you find him attractive and want your husband back. The one before that stalker came along. I am not telling you to fake orgasms. He will know and hate you for it. But tell him how good it feels when it does. How HE makes you feel good. If you love him, it will come naturally. If you no longer do, it will be forced, and again, he will know."

***

The other woman

The nasty weather was still around, but at least we were back at work, and the kids were in daycare and kindergarten. I threw myself into my job and trying to forget life's issues and problems. And yes, that fucken weather. Yet, everything I had done and gone through was still lingering to remind me that choices had consequences. And not always toward the better.

"Ms. Johnson?" the receptionist buzzed me. "There is someone here to see you. Do you have an appointment for a Bella LaValliere?"

Oh shit! What did Bella want with me? Was she going to cause a scene at my job? Expose me? Shoot me?

"I'll be right out," I said, hanging up and stood to go.

I was going to see what she wanted, but realized that this might not take just minutes. And I certainly did not wish Bella inside my job offices or in the lobby as we discussed what was obviously her husband's and my affair. I took my coat, keys, and purse before swinging by my boss's office to let him know I was going to lunch.

Bella.

The woman exuded sensuality, femininity, and a vision of womanhood rare these days. Dressed in clothes right out of a Paris fashion magazine, high heels, jet black hair stylishly tossed to the side, red lipstick, everything about her said style. All I had read about her paled in comparison to the actual Bella standing in front of me.

"I'm Bella," she said, introducing herself.

She took a second too long to offer her hand as she inspected me from top to bottom. Her expression a puzzle to me. The woman could have been a poker player at high stakes games in Vegas by how she kept her emotions under control. Then her lips twitched, and she gave me an almost businesslike smile. The kind I gave customers out of obligation, not true effection.

"Linda Johnson," I replied, taking her hand.

I've heard of men try to power-shake each other when in competition, but it's the opposite with us women. Our's was barely a handshake as we merely touched fingers and then took them back. An "I only touch you because it's expected" barely handshake.

"It's almost lunchtime," she said, reading my mind. "Shall we take it there? I'll even let you pay."

So this is how this was going to be. I decided I owed Bella a lunch, considering I had enjoyed what was supposed to be hers for close to a month.

"I'll drive," I replied and pointed to the exit.

Once in my SUV, I drove out to a good but obscure town eatery not close to my job. The last thing I wanted was a colleague to recognize her and me together.

"So, he went with a brunette this time," Bella said as she turned to face me.

This time. What a pregnant comment. In just that phrase, Bella let me know that not only did she know about Mark and me, but that I was not the first.

"I'm not a real brunette," I replied. "I'm a blond. I dyed it and straightened it because my husband has a fixation on Jessica Biel, the actress."

"I know who she is," Bella retorted, still staring at me as I drove. "You do her justice."

"Thank you."

"Mark never disappoints in his choices of women to bed. You seem the best of the lot in the past year."

I did not respond, instead letting her talk as I drove.

"Why change your hair?" she asked. "Was it to give your husband something out of love or out of guilt?"

"I love my husband," I snapped back, stealing a glance at her. "He is worth this new look and more."

"How nice," Bella retorted. "You came to realize that before it was too late. Others in your position did not and ruined their marriage. Has he humiliated your husband yet?"

Yet! A cold shiver went up my spine at the thought Mark might seak out my husband and tell him of my affair. I pulled over and stared back at her. No longer feeling guilty, but threatened.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Oh my dear, he hasn't?" Becca smiled, but I saw a slight sadness in her. "He usually starts that way. But you and he started differently? Didn't you?"

"Not sure what you mean."

"I talked with my children, back in late November, they played with the kids of a wavy blond pretty mom at the mall. They still talked about that around the holidays and more recently when my husband took them to the mall again by himself. For a second back at your job, I thought I had the wrong woman. Until I saw the guilt and fear in your face, that is. You need to control that if you are to become a veteran cheater."

The tag hurt when she said it, but remarkably she did not say it in a hurtful way. It hurt because I still had a conscience and knew it had been wrong to do. The notion that her kids spoke about their two meetings with mine also scared me. Mine had probably talked about it with their dad. Yet Jim had not mentioned it. It was I that had instead, by telling him we ran into that same dad, and our kids played together again. Jim had smiled politely and made nothing of it. Now I wondered at that.

"My investigator tells me who Mark meets and beds, Linda," she continued.

"Let me get this straight," I said incredulously. "You know he has affairs, and you let it go on?"

"Does it surprise you?"

"Kind off," I replied. "How does that work? Mark never said you had an open marriage."

She scoffed at that.

"It was his choice," Bella replied. "Not mine. But then he and I had auspicious beginnings, so it was not unexpected, sort of speak."

"What kind of auspicious beginnings?"

"Well, let's go eat, and I'll tell you. I'm starving."

Twenty minutes later, we waited for our order as we sat at a table in the backroom, giving us some privacy.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I said.

"No, you're not," she replied with a wry smile.

"Why do you say that?"

"I'm married to Mark, remember?" she said. "Sex with him is incredible. Even if you never see him again, you will remember it for the rest of your life."

"I'll be fine, Bella," I replied nervously.

You see, she was right. Sex with Mark was downright incredible, as she said. When I had been with him, I used to forget the world, my problems, and all my issues. I wondered what would have happened had he not acted the way he did with me. Would I still be sneaking off with him for afternoon trysts? Would I be interested and focused on fixing my marriage? Or would I be content to keep things as they were during that "incredible" month?

"You will be tempted," Bella said. "To return to him. Many of his conquests have. Even after he ruined their marriages, he calls, and they run to him. He is with one as we speak."

I saw her looking for my reaction. But if she expected me to show jealousy or sadness, she was disappointed. I had known from the start what kind of man Mark was. It was why I had chosen to have an affair with him in the first place. That he had other women was expected.

It was why I had him wear condoms. But that last time, I had lost control of the situation and did not. The wait for the STD tests had been more stressful than the pain Mark had inflicted on me. That he had other women had been part of the attraction. I never harbored any notions of him and I running off together.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"There is something special about you, Linda. You were the first woman to walk away from him. The one he is with now left her husband for Mark before I could get to her. You see, I used to be angry with these women. Thinking they deserved what they got. But not anymore. Now I feel partially responsible."

"Why?"

"Because I was his first."

I smirked at that. His first! Hardly. Mark was probably doing it in his teens while still in high school. I knew guys like him back in my day. Guys like him was why I joined the cheerleaders. To be close to and be asked by one of them. Was she that naïve to buy his "you are my first, story?

"Not that kind of first," she scoffed, seeing my reaction. "His first married woman."

"Excuse me. His what!"

He placed her utensils down and steepled her fingers as she spoke.

"Mark and I broke up in college. He was running around on me with other girls, and I made a fuss. Instead of asking for forgiveness, Mark ignored I existed the last two months and proceeded to screw anything that moved. Even my friends and my roommate."

"Why am I not surprised," I snickered. "It's why I never got attached to Mark and why I went with him in the first place. His rakishness made him the perfect side lover. But hardly the kind to get married to. How did you marry him after what he did to you?"

I didn't mean to be derisive to Bella, but the condescending way she talked to me pushed my buttons. I won't deny it. Female competitiveness over the Alpha male often leads to these kinds of conversations. But somehow, I felt... wrong for my tone. In that instant, when she looked back at me, I felt terrible for her.

"I'm sorry," I said before she spoke. But she waited a few seconds as if weighing her words.

"I married someone else," Bella replied. "A young man who had been in love with me and jumped at the chance to ask me out after Mark and I split up. In three months, we were married and living in Dallas. I was glad to have a man who was attentive and loved me, and tried to make the best of it. But..."

"But Mark?"

"Yes," she said, gazing away for a second, then recovering. "Nathan tried but could not compete with Mark in the bedroom. And I was not mature enough to understand the danger of not letting thoughts of Mark go.

"Then, one day, Mark just showed up, and I melted. He asked me... no, he told me to go to dinner with him that night. And I did. Nathan did not deserve what I did to him, but after Mark fucked me the first time, I stayed the night. I had so missed his touch, his big cock, and how I felt when he held me. Thinking of Nathan was the last thing on my mind. And Mark reveled in the high of stealing a man's wife from under him."

Riveted by her narrative, I said nothing.

"The next day, I was so ashamed for what I had done. But Mark told me what I wanted to hear. That he loved me, missed me, and wanted us to get back together. Knowing that Nathan and I were through, I never even went home to face him. Instead, Mark did."

"That's harsh," I said. "Why did Mark do that?"

"He didn't say so at first. But I was the first wife he stole from a man, and the whole experience was life-defining for him. The sex after was unbelievable for us both. Nathan and I divorced while Mark was in the offseason, and I moved to his place to be with him.

"We got married quickly after that. My parents were furious with me. My father especially. He sided with Nathan and thought Mark was a cad for what he had done. But my mother understood. She reminded dad how she had left a man she had been engaged to for him. But dad would not be swayed.

"He and I talked for a few hours. I would not drop Mark, but he got me to agree to including a prenup agreement for our marriage. Mark questioned it at first. But dad reminded him that he would be very wealthy soon, and if I cheated on him, he could lose half of everything he made. Knowing I had cheated on Nathan, I guess, gave him pause in trusting me, so he signed it."

"Bella," I finally interrupted. "You have a prenup and evidence he cheated on you. Why have you not divorced him and walk away wealthy?"

It was then I saw the pain in her face.

"Two reasons, Linda. By then, we had our daughter, and the other was that I had made him into what he is. I created that monster he has become. He is addicted to bedding married women. Every single woman he cheats on me with is someone else's wife. He takes pleasure in that."

There was nothing I could say to that. I just listened as Bella unburdened herself.

"My father eventually found out. He had hired an investigator to keep track of Mark. Good old Dad. He tried, but I was too enamored with Mark. Addicted is more like it. You see Linda. I am one of those women who just can't get enough of him. You know how it feels when he is inside you and how he makes your body respond.

"And he knows it. Three years ago, he brought one of these fallen wives over and fucked her in front of me. I was devastated, but we had children by then, and I... I stayed for them. I made a deal with him. He could keep fucking these women so long as he financed my business plan to open fitness centers. I have more than one now in different cities and plan to expand."

"Does what he offered you make up for what he is doing?" I asked.

"No. It does not. I have learned to accept it. But I don't know what I would do if Mark was found out and it became public. I would like to think I would divorce him then, but I want to make sure I do not lose the children."

"Divorce favors the wife, Bella," I cut in. "But I have a few questions of you if you don't mind."

She smiled and waved for me to go on.

"A woman like you..."

She raised an eyebrow as she smirked.

"A woman like me? Yes... do go on."

"Bella, have you looked in the mirror lately? You are stunning."

"Thank you, but I feel a but coming on."

"It's more a why," I replied. "I mean, yes, Mark is good in bed. But I can't believe you, of all women, would fall for that. I bet men throw themselves at you. You can have your pick of men who can rock your world. If I looked like you..."

"You would what?"

"I... well, I don't. That's the point. Women like me. Women not to your level are the ones to be enamored by Mark and be under his spell. Not you!"

"Thanks for the compliment, I guess. But under the outward appearance, I am still a woman Linda. With needs and emotions. And..."

She hesitated. I saw in her an internal struggle. She was trying to decide what to say and how. And I was waiting as I found this woman more fascinating than any other I had ever met.

"Give me your phone," she said.

"Why?"

"I want to make sure it's off. Trust me."

"Like you trust me?" I asked.

"Shut up, Linda," she said in a cold voice. "I have proof that you were cheating. Don't make me think of using it. Do as I ask."

Yes, I froze at the implication of her threat. As civil as this woman had been so far, I had cheated with her husband, and she had me dead to rights. The only way for her to have found out about me, and Mark's affair was for her to have him followed. There were probably pictures that would destroy my marriage. Even video, possibly. I had no choice but to do as she asked.

"Here," I said, giving her my phone.

I wondered then what else she would make me do for her.

"Turn it off and take the battery out," she said.

It was a Motorola Razr flip phone. Very hip to one to own in those days. And it had a removable battery. Waiting patiently, she watched as I did what she asked and waved me to leave it in sight for her as she spoke again.

"No, I am not an angel who sits at home waiting for Mark to come give me your or any other woman's sloppy seconds. I have... companionship when I am out of town or when he is. They may not be as good at it as Mark is, but they give me the sense of get-evenness I need to cope. And I have grown to like the sex with them.

"Mark knows. I told him of it and let him know that when he stops, I will stop. Only fair, don't you think?"

I nodded as I knew she expected it of me.

"You had another question, though. So go ahead and ask."

"What do you want of me?"

She snickered at that.

"Good," she replied. "Just as I thought, you are not stupid."

I kept quiet at her backhanded compliment. It was best under the circumstances.

"All I am to say to you stays confidential. If you repeat it, your husband gets pictures and a video of you and Mark. Understand?"

"Yes," I whispered, but she heard me and nodded.

"Mark has a morality clause with his team. Part of his contract. So what he is doing here with married women can get him fired. Released more likely, but he stands to lose millions in the meantime. This is a conservative town. People would not tolerate his behavior. His endorsements would dry up, and until he got picked up with another team, he and I would lose on a lot of income. But I know him. He is addicted to this lifestyle of his and won't stop.

"Sooner or later, he will be exposed. So I have convinced him to take an offer for a trade to another city. Not only do they want him to finish his career there, but to remain as coach after. Offensive coordinator at first and possibly head coach if things work out. Do you understand all that?"