February Sucks Next Chapter

I walked in and Linda was in the living room sitting on the sofa. She looked a mess. Her eyes were puffy and red; it was obvious she had been crying. We looked at one another for a minute without either one of us saying anything, and finally I said, "Hi."

She softly responded back with, "Hi!"

I couldn't think of anything else to say, and I was too tired for a confrontation, and not in the mood for it at all.

"Where are the kids?"

"They're still at my parents."

"Okay... I know we probably need to talk, but I'm exhausted. I'm going to go up and get some sleep."

When she didn't have a response to that I turned towards the stairs to go up to our bedroom upstairs.

From behind me I heard her quietly ask, "Was this revenge, Jim? Are we even now?"

"It wasn't revenge, please, let's talk later!" With that I took a couple of steps up.

"Please, take a shower before you get into bed."

"I already took one before I left... before I came home."

"Please, take another."

"Okay!"

And that started the strangest period of my married life, which had already been strange and extremely tense for nearly a couple of months. Every Friday I had a date with Ellen. We would go out on the town, then we would go back to her place and make love all night long and most of the morning.

She told me on top of working full time she had gone back to college three nights a week, wanting to eventually become a nurse, and that she needed the rest of the weekend after I left to study. We just had the Friday nights to see one another.

Linda obviously wasn't happy, but she was tolerating my seeing Ellen. Strangely Linda and I had started fucking again. After the whole Marc Lavelle incident, I hadn't been able to make love to her. I mean how do you get it up for your wife after she tells you that she had the best sex of her life with another man? It went beyond the jealousy or the betrayal aspect. I plain felt inadequate.

Being reassured by a sex goddess on a weekly basis that I was more than adequate, all of a sudden, I could make love to my wife again. To be honest, it wasn't making love anymore, but more accurately we had sex again. Most of the time I was fucking my wife I simply felt guilty. I felt like I was cheating on Ellen.

After my sixth date with Ellen, Linda and I had our first big fight. I walked into my home in the early afternoon on Saturday, back from seeing Ellen again, and it was obvious that Linda had sent the kids to one of our parents.

"Jim, I can't take it anymore. I know I fucked up, and I had to pay some kind of penance for what I did. I know that I opened Pandora's box to the dysfunction and fucked up situation that we are in now. Even though it's killing me inside, I've been doing my best to look the other way.

"Even when you are with me the rest of the week, your mind's with her. I catch you staring at the wall, with a far away look, and then you get a smile on your face remembering something. You've obviously learned a lot of new bedroom skills from her, and even though four months ago I probably would have appreciated them, I hate every single one of them now. They are new sex skills that could have once added to our love making, but that's not what we do anymore. We have sex. We have more skilled sex, but that's all it is. There is no connection there, there is no intimacy. There is no love!"

"Every far away look, every smile I catch on your face knowing you're thinking of her, every new way you touch my body, every time you walk out that door to go to her every fucking Friday night you break my heart again and again. Honestly, Jim, I don't know how much more I can take. I want us to find a way to make it through this and come out of it as a family again, but I'm not sure that by the time you're ready my sanity is going to be there still.

"Dr. Roberts told me this is very unhealthy. For me, and for our marriage. I told her it's my penance and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get us back on the right track, and if this is what it takes, I'm willing to put up with it. But I don't know how much more I can take Jim. Please, at least come back to the counseling sessions."

"You're still seeing her?" Was my dumb response. I was trying to buy time, because I was still not ready to have this conversation. You know your first real love when all you can think of is your lover? Your lover becomes your whole world. Ellen had become that for me. No, she wasn't my first love, but I felt like a teenager once again discovering that first great love. Maybe it was more akin to an addict and Ellen was my drug. Anything that tried to come between me and that drug I didn't want to deal with. And at this point I saw Linda as that interference.

She gave me the most pitiful sad look, because she immediately recognized that I was deflecting.

"I'm sorry Linda. I know this is hurting you, but this is something I HAVE to do. I understand if this something you can't put up with and need to make decisions about us."

Linda started crying at that, but after a couple of minutes she simply looked up at me, tried to put on a resolved stoic face, and she simply gave me a nod. I did my normal Saturday afternoon ritual of going up to take a shower and take a two-hour nap.

The following Friday I came home from work, and went straight up to my bathroom to take a shower and get ready for my evening out with Ellen. After out last Saturday talk things had been tense, but quiet around the house. Linda hadn't brought up the Ellen topic again.

I heard Linda in the kitchen, so I snuck my way upstairs to take that shower and get ready, and was hoping to avoid Linda on my way out. However, about forty minutes later, when I started coming downstairs, I was surprised to see our friends (the four couples from that fateful evening) and both of our parents were in the living room. Each of our moms was holding one of our children in their laps.

"Jim, I thought I'd invite our friends and parents for a little surprise party. A kind of celebration for the start of summer."

I gave everyone an awkward smile and continued coming down the stairs. I said my hellos to everyone, and then grabbing Linda's elbow told everyone I needed to talk to my wife and escorted her to the kitchen.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Jim, after a horrible winter, I thought with summer here we needed a celebration. It's a new start. A celebration of life. Warm weather, summer trips with the kids. A new beginning for everyone, and I felt that needs celebrating... especially this year.... Please Jim!"

"Of all the nights, you had to do that tonight? You couldn't do it tomorrow night?"

When she looked at me sheepishly, I finally recognized this for what it was.

"What is this some kind of intervention? Trying to stop me from going out tonight? Even if you stopped me from going out this one night, what will that change Linda? Nothing, absolutely nothing!"

"Jim, please I'm desperate. I had to do something to try to break this hold she has on you. Please stay with me, with us tonight and be here with your friends and family."

I turned away from her and went back out into the living room.

"Everyone, thanks for coming. Please, enjoy yourselves. I wasn't aware of this little party Linda was surprising me with, so I had made important arrangements for tonight, and unfortunately, I can't stay. I promise I will make it up to all of you."

It was obvious what wasn't being said, but every adult in that room was aware what was going on.

I grabbed my car keys and walked towards the door. My father spoke up, "Son, please stay!" I hesitated for a second, but without turning back, "I'm sorry, Dad, I need to go!"

As I opened the door, I heard my mom say, "Jim!"

Once again, I hesitated for a second, but I walked out that door and closed it behind me.

Did I feel like a complete ass for what I had just done? Absolutely! But Ellen's pull on me was just that strong.

I knocked on Ellen's door and she opened it. Just seeing her beautiful face put a big smile on my face, and my world was right once again. The change in emotions made me not realize that she didn't return my smile, but simply asked me to come in.

To my great surprise, you'd never guess who I caught sitting there on Ellen's sofa. L.W.!

He said, "Hi, Jim! Please come sit down. We need to talk!"

I was livid, "What, the intervention at my own house didn't work, and they have you trying to work on me?"

"Your dad called me a couple of days ago asking my advice about what they were planning on doing, but I had a feeling it wasn't going to work. Actually, this talk with the three of us has been long overdue!

"Jim, do you remember after the whole Marc situation, but before you met Ellen, what state you were in? You wanted to make your marriage work, but your self-esteem was shot; you didn't know where you were coming from, nor where you were going. I really felt you were just spinning your wheels trying to make your marriage work, and that what that marriage counselor was doing with you was likely not going to work. At least work anytime soon, and was not going to take of your, umm, other issues."

"L.W., I love you, and you know how highly I think of you, but any conversation you want to have, I'll come by your house anytime you want next week, but I don't want Ellen in our discussions. This is between you and me, and I don't want her involved in it."

L.W. looked over to Ellen, and she gave him a tentative nod. She had a concerned guilty look on her face like she was being forced to do something she didn't want to do, but knew had to be done.

"Actually, Ellen is a big part of what I have to say, and not only for the reasons you are thinking. Please be patient with me for a few minutes, okay?

"So, to go back, I saw that you desperately wanted to find a way to keep your family intact, but couldn't see how you could do it. Honestly, I couldn't either. Even if you could wrap your head around what Linda did, I really thought that without the scales being balanced it was always going to gnaw at you, and you were going to be bitter, miserable, and make Linda miserable. And you'd have two kids being raised by two miserable parents. I'm sure that's hardly what you wanted.

"Then I thought to myself what if Jim was able to balance the scales. What if, at the same time he balanced the scales, his self-esteem shot up, so he could see himself as he did before the whole Marc thing. Maybe even better. And from what you were telling me Linda wasn't taking full responsibility for what she had done. I mean she felt awful you were hurt, but she couldn't see why you were hurting so badly. I felt for your long-term healing, and so that she would never do anything like that again, she had to feel the burn for herself, to know not to touch the fire."

I looked over at Ellen and she gave me small sad worried smile.

"Now, I want you to keep in mind everything I've said so far. So, I thought what if Jim was tempted by a completely gorgeous girl who wanted him. I've watched you grow up and I knew what kind of look in girls and women turned your head. Not only would this girl be gorgeous, but she would be exactly his type. Although, I must admit even I'm surprised the level of chemistry... anyway! What if this girl approached you when you were out with Linda, and proposi... came on to you!?

"Well, one outcome is you would have turned her down flat. Sure, the experiment would have been a bust, but not completely. Linda would have seen a very attractive woman wanting you, but that you chose her over the other woman. That would have made you realize that your marriage meant to you more than you would have thought, and maybe that would have been enough to help you get on the road to being able to making things work with Linda."

I was getting an uneasy feeling about all this. I kept looking back and forth between L.W. and Ellen. But I also knew that I needed to find out fully what was going on so I let L.W. continue.

"The other outcome, of course, was that the experiment would work. You'd go off and spend the night with Ellen. Linda would see you leave with a gorgeous woman, just as she had left you to go with Marc. You would have had great sex, which would have built up your self-esteem. But that you'd also see things from Linda's perspective that great sex doesn't necessarily equate to love and intimacy. And Linda would have a full night to really, truly feel the extent of what she had done to you. My guess was she did understand, but was in denial, because how could she face that she could do something like that to you. Well, with you going off with Ellen, there would be no more denial. She'd have to face her demons."

"You jokingly call me Sophocles now and again, but I must admit that I only saw the chess moves only two steps out. I didn't think all of your problems would be sorted out by the end of that weekend, but I felt like you would have the core components of what you would need to get to where you wanted to go. Maybe then the counseling would have a chance to work.

"Imagine my surprise when Ellen called me a couple of days later to tell me that you wanted to continue to see her. I admit it seems stupid looking back now, but I had really not anticipated that. I guess between the planning of it, and patting myself on the back congratulating myself about how I was going to help solve your problems, I never imagined that you would want to keep seeing Ellen. You have to understand that I was also encumbered by something you weren't. I knew wha... who Ellen was and why she was doing this. You didn't, and that, I didn't take into consideration.

"But then I thought maybe he needs more time with her, so I told her to go ahead and see you again..."

"Wait a second! What are you telling me? Why would Ellen do this for you?"

When L.W. didn't answer, but gave me a quizzical look of "come on" with his head slightly tilted down and a raised eyebrow.

"Are you saying she's... she's a prostitute?"

Ellen fidgeted in her seat and looked very uncomfortable. L.W. noticed and quickly jumped in.

"Escort! A very exclusive escort, in fact. Two thousand dollars a night!"

My head was spinning. I really felt light headed. This whole thing wasn't real.

"So, you were never a student? The only reason you could only see me on Fridays was because you had other customers to take care of the other nights?"

"Jim, I really am a student. Although I go to school full time and not just to night school like I told you. I see a client, once, maybe twice a week. Although recently I've been seeing someone so you were the only client I saw."

"So, every fucking thing was fake? Everything was a fucking lie?"

"Jim, no! Look, yes, L.W. hired me to approach you that night. I don't know if it was because you didn't know what I did, but you treated me like any other woman, and I was preten.... I was approaching you as a girlfriend... I definitely started developing feelings for you. I mean, I really like you, and I really enjoyed everything we did together."

"How much is he paying you to say that? Or is that part of the package when you pay for six nights, you get a bullshit compliment for free!?"

"Jim, I know you're hurt, but I'm not lying about that. I really do like you..."

"Well, if you like me so much, then why don't you date me for real and without getting paid?"

"Umm, like I said Jim, I really am seeing someone already."

L.W. chuckled at that.

"What the fuck about any of this do you think is so funny? You fuck with my life, play the puppet master and this amuses you?"

L.W. got serious, "No, no, it's not that at all! But remember the goals I had set out why I had hired Ellen to do this? Well, there was a bonus I didn't become aware of until a couple of weeks ago. Well, you know how one of the things that bugged you is how Marc seemed to just take your woman away from you. That he had made a cuckold of you, and that made you feel powerless and... impotent? Well, you've kind of done the same thing to him. Guess, who she's dating?"

Ellen and I shouted out simultaneously, "What?"

"Yup, she's dating that Marc. I came over a couple of Mondays ago, thinking I'd surprise Ellen and maybe take her out, and guess who I saw her walking out with? I called her up the next day asking if Marc was a client of hers, and she told me, no, that she was dating him.

"Imagine me finding that out. I was thinking what are the odds. Then I thought it was so ironic. He had cuckolded you, and now you were cuckolding him, even if he didn't know it. Apparently, like you until a few minutes ago, he doesn't know what our Ellen does to make ends meet."

"Wait a fucking second. You're dating Marc fucking Lavelle... and you... you... are having sex with Ellen, too?"

"Well, not for the last six weeks. You kind of hogged my night with her, and like she said she has only one free night a week for... work."

"Fuck, I need to get out of here!"

With that I turned around and walked out of Ellen's apartment in haste without even shutting the door. Then I realized that I had left my keys on her coffee table, and came back. Just outside Ellen's door I could hear them talking inside.

"L.W., are you sure we did the right thing? There had to be a gentler way to let him down. He is a real good guy. I really meant it when I said I like him. My god, that look on his face. He looked devastated."

"He'll be fine. He needed this shock. He needs to go back to his wife and kids. He forgot all about them because of you. I know that boy. He needs his kids, and I don't mean on a biweekly visitation basis. His wife fucked up big time, but he needs to go back to her and work things out. At least give it a real try, or I really think he would regret it down the road. But either way we needed to tell him the truth about you at some point, and we've already let this thing go a lot longer than we should have."

L.W. chuckled at this point, "I've been shelling out $3,000 a week, but only getting one thousand dollars' worth of services, if you know what I mean?"

"Oh, the other ones only cost you a $1,000 a night, eh?" Ellen said, trying to make a joke, but her voice still hinted that she was bothered with what had transpired that evening.

"What can I say, baby, you're special! Talking about special and $2,000... umm... I've already paid up for the night! So, let me close this d..."

Hearing all that I almost left my car keys in there and thought about just Uber'ing it, but I didn't know where I wanted to go, just away from here and maybe for a long drive. I walked back in there and grabbed my keys. It was extremely awkward for all three of us, and the pitying look Ellen gave me as she tried to smile was more than I could take. But no one said a word, and I left, shutting the door behind me this time.

I got in my car, got on the highway and just drove. I drove aimlessly for hours just thinking. I had really fallen for Ellen, so I was really hurt. I felt like I was broken up with someone I was falling in love with.

But then I started seeing Linda's face. Her anguished face as I left the house tonight. That tired sad face I had been seeing for weeks, but which hadn't been registering on me or affecting me in any meaningful way.

I had been just going through the motions at home. I knew I was hurting Linda and I felt badly about that, but nowhere near badly enough to keep me from going to Ellen. So, yes, I had been seeing Linda's sad hurt face, but I wasn't really seeing it. But now I was, and now I felt her pain, and for the first time her pain was hurting me like it once would have. Not just mere sympathy, but a shared pain.

The other thing I realized was that that night with Marc, I didn't seem to have much of an emotional attachment to it anymore. It was too early to tell why that was. Was it because I no longer loved Linda? Was that what happened during my involvement with Ellen? Or was it that I had my own thing, my own love interest, so I couldn't care less about her night with Marc at this point? Was it that my self-esteem had been built up, like L.W. had talked about, so that I wasn't intimidated by Marc's sexual prowess? Was it that I had simply taken a break from my marriage and hadn't been dealing with it, but if I started trying to make my marriage work, it would all come back? I didn't know what the reason was, but that hot intensity of pain, jealousy, hurt and devastation was no longer there.