February Sucks - One More Time

I didn't forget to turn on my voice recorder that was on the dining room table and hidden under a newspaper.

Once inside the house, her demeanor changed.

"I'm home," she said, "and everything is just as it was yesterday." She sounded just like she always did when she came home from running errands. She closed the front door and turned to face me.

She looked exactly the same. The blue dress still did everything for her that it had done the night before. Her dark hair fell down her back the same way; the poise of her head, the set of her shoulders, her face, the rings on her finger, were all exactly the same as they had been the night before. As if nothing had changed at all; as if she hadn't spent all night and all morning betraying me with the Asshole. That shouldn't be possible, I thought. There should be some visible difference, something to indicate what she had done, at least some shame on her face. Then I noticed that her breasts were very much on display--she wasn't wearing the bra she had on last night. Over the top of her dress, I could see bite marks on her breasts. I wondered, too, if she was still wearing the matching panties.

"It's still just me, the same old me as always," she said with a tender smile. Of course, she knew what I'd been thinking. "There's nothing different; nothing has changed. My love for you is just the same as it was yesterday."

I wanted to say, "If that's true, then I guess we never had what I thought we did." Instead, I remained silent.

"Jim, honey..."

Linda was interrupted by Emma. "Mommy, who was that man you were kissing? Is that the reason Daddy was sad last night? Is that why Daddy is going away?"

Linda didn't want to address the elephant in the room with Emma and Tommy present. "Emma, go upstairs with your brother and change out of your pajamas while Daddy and I talk."

"Who was that man?" Emma demanded to know.

"He was just a good friend, Sweetheart. I was just saying goodbye."

When the kids had disappeared up the stairs, Linda finally met my eyes, a worried look on her face.

"Jim, I know you have questions. I know we need to talk, and I'll tell you whatever you want to know, honestly and completely. But are you sure you want to know... that? I'll tell you honestly, but I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have."

"You don't have to tell me what happened. I'm pretty certain I know just about everything."

"What are you talking about?" Linda asked, wondering where I was coming from.

"Most likely, as soon as you stepped out the back door of the club you were in his arms as you gave him your consent, including a lascivious French kiss. On your drive to the Asshole's house, he no doubt had his hand on your thigh, if not all the way up your leg and into your panties. I can imagine you jacking him off in the car and even giving him a blow job en route. By the time you arrived at the Asshole's house, you were both so hot that I doubt you got past the living room sofa before you fucked each other, probably with your clothes on. After a short breather, he either led or carried you up to his bedroom..."

I look at Linda as if I expected an answer.

"He carried me," she said with her eyes downcast.

"Now that the edge was off, you probably took more time with each other. He took your clothes off and you took his clothes off. That was followed by a first-class blow job on your part. He certainly must have returned the favor and gone down on you until you climaxed again. You both were still so excited that I can see him taking you twice, maybe once in the missionary position and a second time doggy style. By then, you were both tired and exhausted, and you may have slept for a while. During the middle of the night, I can see you wake the Asshole up with another enthusiastic blowjob. After he was hard, you climbed on him cowgirl-style and fucked him again. Most likely, before morning, he would want your ass as his way of claiming you completely. Similarly, you couldn't wait to give it to him as your way of taking him in every possible way a woman can have a man. You may have slept late and awakened in a spooning position at which time he would take you slow and gently. If you showered together before you dressed to come home, you might have fucked each other one more time."

I based my assumptions of what probably happened on what I would most likely have done--or what any man in a similar situation would most likely have done--under similar circumstances, and my knowledge of my wife's sexual propensities

"So, let's assume for the sake of further discussion, that my imagination in reasonably accurate, and I think it is, and skip any further description of what actually happened, and move on from there--unless I'm entirely off base in which case you can add any significant changes that are misconceptions on my part.

I looked at Linda to see her reaction. She said nothing but just looked away from me.

"Jim," she finally said, "Marc is not an Asshole. He treated me with dignity and respect. He's actually a very nice man, a gentleman. There's no need to keep referring to him as... "

"As far as I'm concerned, he's an asshole, and I'll always refer to him as such. And I have some similar names for you, too, that I will no doubt use from time to time. If you want anything we say to each other to be totally polite and courteous, forget it. There are going to be a lot of expletives used in our conversation."

Linda started again. "Jim, I'm so, so sorry I hurt you like I did. I'll do everything possible to make it up to you for the rest of my life."

I noticed that Linda had not come down completely from the high she had experienced over the last few hours. She was still euphoric but trying not to show it.

"So how was your night of lust and sex with the Asshole? Was it everything you thought it would be?" I inquired with cynicism that Linda didn't recognize. She apparently thought that I was genuinely interested in her activities.

"Oh, Jim, it was magical. It was every woman's fantasy. I'll remember last night for the rest of my life."

Linda realized what she said and the effect it was having on me and changed her demeaner. "I also know that I did you a terrible disservice last night and I am so, so sorry that I hurt you. I'm going to do whatever I can to help you--to help us--get through this."

I began to note that whenever she said she was sorry, she said she was sorry for hurting me--not that she was sorry for what she did. My distinct impression was that she was self-satisfied with herself and what she did, and did not have the slightest regret of her actions.

"And just what do you think you can do to make up to me the fact that you walked out on me in the middle of what was supposed to have been a special night for us with a total stranger, and then fucked him all night. Maybe you can cook my favorite meat loaf for dinner tonight. Or, perhaps you can buy a bottle of my favorite spiced rum... and then we will all be hunky-dory again and able proceed with our lives as if nothing has happened."

Linda became more serious as she realized that my biting sarcasm was hiding dark thoughts. She said, "Jim, if it were possible for me to have walked out of the club last night without hurting you, I would have."

I started to say something like, "Maybe if you hadn't left the club at all, I wouldn't be hurting." Then a darker version of what she said struck me. "So, you're telling me that if you could do it all over again without hurting me, you'd still leave with the Asshole and fuck him all night?"

Linda was getting confused over the subtly of the phrasing and stuttered a few words. Finally, she said, "Jim, I can't undo what has happened. All I can do is help you--help us--get over it and move on with our lives."

"You can't ever make it up to me, Linda. You have so destroyed our marriage to the point that I cannot live with you anymore."

She responded, "Jim, I'm certain you can get through this. Your love for me is strong enough to do that. And I've never stopped loving you.

"It was my hope that when you saw how much I enjoyed myself with Marc that you might possibly be so happy for me, that you could overlook this one indiscretion in our marriage and we could go on with our lives, with our family, as if nothing was amiss. In a week, your anger would have abated. In a month, the incident would be almost forgotten. In a year, it will not even be remembered as a bump in the road. We would still have a wonderful life together."

I realized at this point that the course of action I had chosen to follow was not ambiguous to me anymore.

"Cut the crap, Linda," I said angerly. "You're an adulteress and I don't want to be married to an adulteress. I intend to divorce you, and the wheels are already in motion."

Linda was dumbstruck. "You can't mean that! You wouldn't divorce me over just one night with another man. We've had ten good years together and we could have another fifty good years together in the future."

"That's not going to happen," I said with conviction.

Linda retorted, "This is insane! You can't possibly mean what you say. You're just being impulsive, over-reacting without thinking."

"No, Linda," I replied. "You are the one who acted impulsively. If you had stopped for five minutes before you stepped out of the club last night and considered what you were doing, you would have realized that this is precisely what I would do. But you deluded yourself into believing that I would accept your behavior and forgive you when you returned home. You were wrong."

"Please, Jim, don't even think of doing this. I would be lost without you. And what about the kids? I know you don't want to give them up."

"You are right, Linda, I can't imagine giving up my kids--and I won't completely. But there are worse things than being a single dad. One of them is being a cuckold married to someone I don't love and trying to convince the kids that everything is good. They would soon see through a façade like that and their lives would be worse than if we were divorced.

"What do you mean, you don't love me? I know you do. Your love for me and my love for you is what is going to get us through this. Tell me this is a joke. You are just trying to hurt me like I hurt you."

"Look at my face, Linda. Look into my eyes. Do you think I'm joking?"

Linda seemed to be losing her confidence. She started to question her assumptions about my reaction. She deliriously hoped that I would roll over and become a knowing cuckold for the rest of my life. It was that delusion that convinced her she could actually fuck the Asshole without very little in the way of consequences.

"Jim, I may have hurt your much more than I thought originally. Nevertheless, we can get through this. You need to take me upstairs and reclaim me. Make passionate love to me, make me yours again."

"First of all, Linda, I shouldn't have to reclaim you. I claimed you once on the day I married you. I don't feel I have to reclaim you every time you fuck Tom, Dick and Harry."

"It isn't like that..." she started before I cut her off. She tried to add, "It was a one-time thing. It will never happen again."

"I never thought it would happen in the first place. Why should I believe that it will never happen again?"

Then I went on, "Second, I have no desire to touch you in any way. In the space of twelve hours, you have become loathsome to me. I can see the hickey on your neck and the bite marks on your breasts. There is no way I would stick my cock in any place the Asshole has been. I won't use my mouth on any part of you. I don't even want to touch you with my hands. Just the thought of seeing you naked disgusts me."

Linda was starting to cry. "You can't mean that. You've always been an ardent lover. My body has always turned you on. I don't believe you don't want me."

I continued. "Another reason I won't touch you is that you've could have become a petri dish of sexually transmitted diseases. I know for a certainty that the Asshole didn't use protection. It wasn't in his psyche and I don't think you wanted him to, either. I can't imagine what bacteria, viruses and germs are swimming around in your bloodstream right now: Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, syphilis... You might have picked up diseases that are incurable; genital herpes for instance, or HPV, which your system may or may not burn out of your body after a couple of years. You could even have HIV, which would take months to determine."

"I'm sure he was clean, Jim. He said he was tested three weeks ago. He wouldn't have taken me like he did if he wasn't."

"And how many women do you suppose the Asshole has had since his test?

Linda obviously surmised that he had had a few, and looked like she had stepped in a pile of dog shit.

"I'll wager that one of the reasons the Asshole prefers married women is that they are almost certainly free of STDs compared with the type of women he and his crowd normally party with.

"Also, if I was to have sex with you after I found you committed adultery, in the eyes of the law I would have condoned your actions and I could never sue you for divorce on grounds of adultery. I intend to keep that option open to me as a distinct possibility. However, I really don't want the mother of my children to be known officially as an adulteress, so my initial position is to sue for divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences.

"Please, Jim," she begged. "You're moving too fast. You need to give us a week to be together, a week to cool down and re-bond as man and wife. After a week, I know you'll feel differently. You owe us--you owe me-- that much."

Linda recoiled when I answered, "After what you did to me last night, I don't owe you shit!"

"Let me go on... another reason I don't want to 'reclaim' you, is that I don't ever want to be compared to the Asshole. I don't have the ability to offer you 'strange sex'" You could never generate the lust you experienced last night with your husband of ten years. I would be boring by comparison. Making love to you, even just fucking you, would never truly excite you again. Your mind, forevermore, would be fantasizing on your time with the Asshole and not me."

"That's not true, Jim. I want you inside me and only you. I want to feel your love for me. I've had Marc and it was mind-blowing but it wasn't love. I only want you from now until the day I die."

"That sounds good, Linda, but I don't think you want anyone right now. You've spent last night getting fucked a minimum of seven or eight times by my imaginary count. That doesn't include the number of times you gave him blowjobs and swallowed his semen. I would guess that your pussy, ass and jaw are all sore from your lust-filled night with the Asshole. I think the last thing you want to do is make love to me. I think you can hardly wait to crawl into bed and get some sleep.

"However, before you slip into Never-Never Land, there are some things you should know. On Monday morning at 10AM, I have an appointment with my lawyer..."

Linda interrupted me, "You have a lawyer already?"

"Yes," I answered. "She is an old friend of mine."

The lightbulb went off in Linda's mind. "It's not your old girlfriend from college, is it? What's her name? Thea something?"

"Her name is Thalya Starling. She's a well-established family law attorney. I talked with her for an hour this morning, and she has given me some interesting insight into marital train wrecks such as ours."

"And just how good is your 'friendship'?" Linda asked.

I couldn't believe it. Linda was instantly jealous of a woman I hadn't seen in a year since I had my will, end of life power of attorney and trust reviewed.

"Thalya has always been my friend, my very good friend, and family attorney--and now she's my divorce lawyer. After fucking the Asshole all night long, you don't have a right to get possessive over an ex-girlfriend.

"When I see Thalya on Monday morning, she's going to hammer out a legal separation agreement for me. That will be followed in a few weeks by a petition for divorce."

Linda was refusing to listen to her future unfold. "I won't divorce you and I won't let you divorce me. I will fight it until you come to your senses. You know in your heart-of-hearts that you love me. I know you don't want to do this."

I replied, "Yes, I do love... or rather, I did love you. That's what makes it hurt so much and that's why I am forced to do what I have to do."

"For the time-being, everything will remain the same: My pay will continue to be automatically deposited in our joint checking account. Most of the bills for utilities and services are paid out of that account automatically. Once the separation agreement is recorded by the county, things will change. Since the house is in my name, I will continue to pay the mortgage. I will also pay the property taxes, homeowner insurance and homeowner association fees. Likewise, I will continue to pay for lawn care and landscaping.

"I want you and Emma and Tommy to remain in the house. In that way, the lives of our children will be least affected by our break-up. However, you will be paying for the utilities and services such as gas, electricity, water, cable and wi-fi and monthly maid service. You will take over your own cell phone account. You will also become responsible for your own car payment, including gas, maintenance, insurance and property tax. Finally, I will no longer fund your retirement account. I will, however, continue to fund the children's college accounts.

"And who made all of these decisions and arrangements?" Linda demanded to know. "Is this Thalya directing you what to do?"

I answered, "Thalya presented me with a laundry list of options I could take: Everything from doing nothing and forgiving you to kicking you out of the house. Further, she described the pros and cons of each action and how they met my needs based on how I felt about the situation. These "arrangements" as you call them are the steps I decided to take--based almost entirely on the what is best for me and my children."

I continued, "Regarding our savings and investments: I will split those down the middle with you. On Monday, I will set up separate checking and savings accounts in my name.

"One account that I am taking for myself is our vacation savings account. There is nearly eighteen-thousand dollars in that account. We were saving it for our big vacation in Hawaii. Since that is undoubtedly canceled, I will need that money to set up a separate household for myself.

"This is your house," Linda pleaded. "It's our home. This is where we both belong." She was shaking her head left-to-right, trying to understand what was happening around her.

"With respect to custody of Emma and Tommy, you should know that I don't intend to be one of those single dads that see their kids every other weekend and six weeks in the summer. Thalya believes that I can get joint custody of the children. So, although they live here, they could also live with me on occasions. And I intend to spend several days a week with them at the house. Because we would have joint custody, there would be no child support payments required. Similarly, since I am providing the total cost of your housing, I don't think you can expect much in the way of alimony payments."

Linda interjected, "The kids are going to be devastated if you leave. How could you do this to them? It would be so much better if we could stay together and work on our marriage. I know I could make you forgive me for hurting you so deeply and love me like before."

Again, Linda was sorry for hurting me, and not sorry for what she had done. If I had any forgiveness in me, it would not be until I felt that she was remorseful and ashamed of what she had done--for every time she had touched him, and every time she allowed him to touch her. She obviously wasn't there yet--if she would ever be. She would have to figure that out on her own. I wasn't going to tell her.