February Sucks - One More Time

"First of all, Linda, I didn't do this to them--you did. Second... if I was to stay with you, your affair with the Asshole would be like an open sore. It would get infected and fester and finally, over time, drive us apart in a much more disastrous and acrimonious break-up than what I am doing now. I don't intend to torment myself for a year while trying to decide whether I should stay or I should go. A divorce now would be best for me, for you, and most importantly, for Emma and Tommy."

"But if you leave, people will know what happened to you," Linda argued. "You will be publicly embarrassed and humiliated in front of your friends and family--and I would be embarrassed, too. If we stay together and keep this just between us until we are the same as we used to be. It won't be nearly the common story it would be otherwise."

I couldn't believe her logic. "I'm certain you would prefer to contain any revelations of your night with the Asshole to just me and you. But that's not going to happen. For one thing, Dee has been living this little adventure with you vicariously. There is no way she is not going to tell her friends about it. Even my ex-friends will talk about it with their friends. If I was to stay with you, I would soon become the laughing stock of the town. I won't do that.

"I can foresee Dee and your other girlfriends inviting you out after work for drinks or asking you over to their homes for lunch with the express purpose of listening to you describe every moment with the Asshole. And I imagine you will give them what they want--a surgical description of your sexual adventure--since you seem to have enjoyed yourself so much during your tryst."

"That's your ego talking, Jim," Linda challenged me. "You would much rather destroy our family than eat a little crow. Is your self-righteousness more important to you than your family?"

"A man's perception of himself," I answered, "is made up of his pride, his ethics, his self-worth and his self-respect. I would sacrifice all of those if I stayed married to you. I don't think your betrayal could be kept from our kids. Over the years, they would learn what happened last night. In about ten years, our grown-up babies are going to ask me why I divorced you rather than live with you in a loveless marriage for the sake of the family. I can answer that question. On the other hand, they would lose all respect for me if they learned that I stayed with you as a cuckold after being so treacherously betrayed."

"That's not true," Linda countered. "They would be grateful to you for keeping the family together while they grew to adulthood."

I had more I wanted to explain to Linda. "In addition to the legal separation detailing the financial and custodial arrangements between us, it will have one more provision. It will state that we are relieved of the vows we made at our wedding. There will no longer be any consideration for 'better or for worse,' or 'for richer or poorer,' or 'in good times or bad.' Neither will 'forsaking all others' be a consideration. Once the legal separation is recorded by the county, you are free to fuck anyone you want as often as you want. The same applies to me. And the way I am feeling right now, I intend to make maximum use of that caveat as soon as it becomes available.

Linda cried, "No, no, no! You wouldn't do that. That's not you. I know you love me and there's no way you can be disloyal... "

"Like you were to me," I finished her sentence. "I've changed a lot in the last twelve hours, Linda.

"Besides," I added, "you will have the freedom to fuck the Asshole whenever you want for as long as you like. Whenever the kids are with me, you can even go on vacation with him and follow his team around the country."

Linda looked kind of saddened at this suggestion. "I don't think he'll want me again now that he's had me once. He'll find somebody else, somebody that he hasn't fucked yet."

"Probably, another married woman," I added.

"That's unfortunate," I said sarcastically, "but I'm certain if you asked him, he'd be happy to give your phone number to the other members of his team. They probably wouldn't mind fucking his leftovers. Until then, you can crawl into bed alone and revel in the memories of your fantasy night with the Asshole, knowing that he was the last man inside you."

As soon as I said that, I was regretful. "I'm sorry I said that, Linda. I promised Thalya that I would let this conversation degenerate in name-calling. I am not out to insult you, just tell you what the new reality will be."

I changed the subject. "Tomorrow, I'm going to visit my parents and tell them what's happening. They are going to be so hurt. In the early afternoon, I'll be at my sister Susan's home for a late lunch and I will tell my sister and her husband the same thing. Susan is going to cry. You were the sister she never had. I hope when all this plays out that our kids will still be able to get together with their cousins often. In fact, I hope when things settle down that both families will still be able to enjoy holidays and birthdays together, even if we are divorced.

"I don't know what you intend to tell your mom and dad and brothers, Peter and Greg. I recommend the truth, but that's up to you. I imagine you will shade your story to make me the cause of our break-up because I couldn't 'suck it up'. However, if you try to make me the bad guy, I will send your parents and brothers a letter describing in minute detail the events that led up to our split. I wouldn't be surprised if Peter and Greg wouldn't do what I am doing if their wives treated them similarly. Whatever happens, I hope I can remain close to your brothers. We have enjoyed our camping and fishing trips together so much over the years."

Linda had her elbows on the table and her head in her hands. "How could I have ever imagined this?" she said between sobs. "Whatever is going to become of us?"

"Actually," I replied, "Thalya had some insight into that, too. She said that she has dealt with hundreds of divorces. In most cases, the divorce is caused by either sex or money. Statistically, she said that both of us will probably go through a year recovering from the emotional trauma of our split. As the new normal develops and the intensity of our emotions subside, a new relationship, centered around our children, will replace our marriage. Quite probably, neither of us will want close relationships with anyone new, although we may cycle through several short-term or casual relationships. Eventually, however, we will want the companionship that comes with being human. For me, it might be in the way of an older single woman, a divorcee or a widow. They may or may not have children of their own, in which case I would have to make the decision on whether or not to start a new family and/or become a stepfather.

"For you, it might be more difficult because you will be perceived as having the baggage of children. A man might not be as willing to marry you and become responsible for raising two children. A lot of men will certainly want to date you, simply because you are a beautiful woman, but they might often be there only to string you along because they want to get into the pants of a woman who very likely will want sex from time to time. Hopefully, however, the right man will eventually come along and you will fall in love again and get married.

"Thayla also said that you will be the hardest hit as a single parent with the at-home custody of the children. It will be your responsibility each day to get the kids out of bed and dressed. You will be the one preparing breakfast for them, making their lunches, and getting them off to school. In the evenings you will have to pick them up from school, make certain they get their homework done, get bathed and off to bed. Although I, as a joint-custody parent, can help some; you will be doing what many believe is the hardest job in the world--being a single mom.

"As a single dad, I do not skate entirely free. Although I intend to help you raising our children, there will be times when I will go home to an empty, lonely house. I will miss the daily interaction with my children. A lot of single dads end up drinking too much, or what is almost as bad, throwing themselves into their work to avoid being alone. Thalya says the best thing I can do is to develop an active social life. According to her, there is a big demand for reasonably good-looking, middle-aged men with a good income--even if they are single dads and have a family to support.

"Whatever happens to each of us individually, we will always be bound together by Emma and Tommy. They will, without a doubt, be the focus of our lives--at least until they are adults and have established careers and families of their own."

The forecast of that future made Linda cry all the harder. "I can't believe I fucked up so badly," she cried. "If I had only imagined this," she added tearfully.

I stood up and touched Linda's shoulder. "I have to go upstairs now and explain to Emma and Tommy why I'm not going to live here anymore. It will be the most difficult thing I have ever done."

"Please don't do this, Jim. I know you're angry with me but don't get back at me by taking it out on our children."

I answered, "I didn't invent this situation. You did. I'm doing what I'm doing for the kids, not because I want some sort of revenge on you."

Talking with Emma and Tommy was the most difficult thing I had ever done in my life. My kid's hopes were raised when I assured them that I would be around the house often to look after them, and we would spend a lot of time together at my new home, which would be nearby.

After an hour, we all came downstairs to find Linda waiting for us in the middle of the family room. Both of them ran to her for a hug and cried. Linda was intelligent enough not to point out again that I was breaking up the family. Rather, she seemed resigned to her fate and profoundly sad.

I told Linda that I was going to take the kids to a neighbor's home where they could play with their friends for the rest of the day. Further, I told her to take the time to get cleaned up and get some sleep. She could pick the kids up in the evening.

"You are about to start your first day as a single mom," I said

Emma and Tommy were a little happier when I told them that I would come back to the house on Sunday afternoon to play with them, and I would stay for Sunday dinner. That revelation seemed to resonate with Linda, too. Maybe she thought that it would give her another opportunity to convince me to change my decisions.

Seeming to finish the coffee on the dining room table, I surreptitiously pick up my recorder and put it in my pocket.

I sent Emma and Tommy to the car ahead of me, but I stopped in the foyer before stepping outside and turned to Linda. I said, "A marriage is a state of mind as much as it is a written contract. I don't feel married anymore."

With that, I took off my wedding ring and placed it on a small table beside the front door. Linda approached me with tears in her eyes and tried to embrace me. I held her back and asked her, "While you were giving the Asshole a blowjob and your hands were wrapped around his cock, were you wearing your wedding rings?"

Linda put her hands to her head and covered her face. I had my answer.

"I can't imagine an act more contemptuous of our marriage and more disrespectful of me than that," I said sadly.

"I didn't take my rings off because..., "Linda started to explain.

I interjected, "I know why. It was the visible part of the thrill of having a lust-filled night in which you felt free to abandon all allegiance to me and our marriage and give yourself completely to the Asshole."

Linda looked at the rings on her finger. "The very least I could have done is to remove my rings as soon as I left the club. I'm so sorry, Jim. I should have at least done that. Now, they are guilty reminders of how badly I treated you.

I noted that her statement was the first time Linda apologized for something she did that night, rather than apologize for hurting me. Maybe sometime in the future, she would be regretful of everything she did that night. There certainly would be no forgiveness until she did, if ever.

"If I could put a curse on you," I said, "I would wish that every time you looked at your wedding rings, you would think of them wrapped around the Asshole's slimy cock." I didn't wait for her response.

My last words to a sobbing Linda were, "I hope you can understand now how much I deserve this divorce."

With that, I stepped outside and closed the door behind me.

END