February Sucks: Same Old Me (1of4)

"That's... that's..." I didn't say the next part out loud; 'that's right.' Instead I said, "That's a lot to process." But the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. As an analogy, anyway. I still wasn't able to absorb it all.

"Sorry doesn't fix it." I said. "My dad used to say that."

"Hmpf. Yeah. Ours, too, I talked about it in therapy. I thought it was kind of a shitty thing to say, but my counselor made sense of it for me. He said that an apology, a real apology, has three parts. The first part, the 'saying you're sorry' part, is that you acknowledge the harm that you've done and take responsibility for it. The second part, empathy, is that you communicate how you understand what you've done has impacted them, you know, you're getting present to the consequences. The third part, amends, is that you declare how you're going to help fix the situation, or take active steps to make sure nothing like that ever happens again. You're going to participate in the healing. See? Just saying you're sorry doesn't complete the process, it doesn't provide closure. All by itself it means nothing. Really apologizing also means identifying with the person you harmed and working to fix it."

"I, um. I get it. Yeah. That sounds right."

"Let's see how much of a real apology you can squeeze out of Linda. I'd put my chips on her not being able to get past the first part."

"God, you're probably right."

"Look. I know, it sounds like I'm trying to cajole you into divorcing Linda. I'm not, I swear it. Only you can decide what's right for you. I know you feel powerless, like you don't have any options and you're out of control. All I want for you is to know that you DO have options, and you've got all the power you need. The only thing I'm going to flat-out tell you to do is what I've already said: Protect yourself. Fix your banking, get a lawyer, secure your claim on the kids' custody. Work on your body and your mind and your heart. Decide what YOU are going to do and how YOU are going to be, regardless of what anybody else does, and act decisively. That's it. If you can do any of that, you win, no matter what else happens. I'll be there to back you up. Both of you."

He stood up.

"I was dating a lady a while ago. Not any more. Nice girl, but we were never gonna go long-term. She's divorced, too. She told me something good. She said 'Feelings are never wrong... but they're just feelings. On one hand, there's what you feel, and on the other hand, there's what you do about it.' So, I guess that means sometimes, you should follow your heart, if failing to do so would be a mistake. Other times, you should listen to your head when your heart tells you to make stupid choices. It's hard to be objective about it, and you probably won't figure out whether you've made the right decisions until afterwards.

"I know you both love these wives of yours. I also know that you've been badly hurt by them, and they've been behaving really badly. But the decisions you make, well, they don't have to be driven by your feelings one way or the other. Use your heads as well as your hearts, and do what you decide is best for yourselves in the cold light of day. I'll leave it right there."

He turned and went towards his bedroom.

"It's two in the morning, and I'm beat. I know you guys are all wound up and probably won't be able to sleep a wink tonight, but just try not to raise a ruckus, okay? I'll see you in the morning."

"Gnight."

"Good night, Pete. And thank you."

When his door closed, I asked Dave, "Hey, you wanted to know what we said at the bar. Well, when I came back to the table, everybody knew. How? Linda was gone and Dee was with me. Who else knew about this, while I didn't? I was watching them the whole time."

"Oh. It was Jane. Helen saw Dee nodding to Linda, and she went head-to-head with Jane, whispering back and forth with each other when Dee and Linda went off to the ladies' room... or I guess for Linda to sneak off with the asshole. You were just sitting there getting more and more agitated while the girls were making fun of you. They all knew at that point. Jane was actually giggling. Then you went off to the bar where Dee intercepted you, and Phil, Andy, Gus and I were all like 'What, what's going on?' That's when Jane spilled it, she said 'Linda's getting lucky with Marc LaValliere tonight!' and we were all like 'No Way,' then she said 'Yes, look, she's leaving with him now!' She was practically squirming in her seat. Phil said 'Uh-oh, Jim's not going to like this,' then Helen said something like 'He should be happy for her, how often does this kind of thing happen?' Gus and Andy were pretty nervous, they didn't like it. Neither did I, but the three girls were really excited. Wait. No. Jane and Helen were. Rosie was just kind of sitting there, smiling, but she looked uncomfortable, now that I'm thinking about it. Jane was saying something about how you might be a little upset now, but you'd probably come around, and Phil was starting to get mad at her. Like, real mad. That's right around when you came back, and MAN, that changed the mood. You had pure fucking murder written all over your face. It was like turning a firehose on those bitches. You started fuming about divorce right away, and nobody could believe it, me included, because you and Linda, well, I mean... you heard me at the time. Guess that's all changed now. Then you got into it with Jane, and Phill got all pissed off, I swear you guys were gonna kill each other. You were ready to kill SOMEbody, anyway. And you're such a sweet guy, none of us had ever seen you like that. Not even anything CLOSE to that."

"I was that bad, huh?"

"Worse. I'm surprised the bouncers took so long to show up."

"Me too, given that the staff there probably sees the same thing happen whenever that Asshole shows up."

"That's gotta be the Truth. You know the rest of it. Phill dragged Jane out by her hair. Gus and Helen followed me to the bar, I guess they wanted to talk me down. They wanted to say it wasn't my business and didn't need to affect MY marriage. Then Dee ran up to me complaining about you throwing her appletini on her, we started fighting, and I told her to get a ride home with the next fucking football player to walk in the door. I stomped off and left her there with Gus and Helen. I don't know how she got home. Hell, I don't know IF she got home. For all I know she's off fucking someone else right now, too."

"I got a message from her demanding an apology and wondering where the hell you were."

"Huh. Okay, she probably made it home. She'll come looking for me tomorrow, and she'll probably think to look here. I'll tell Pete to say he hasn't seen me. Heh. Let's ask him to make her explain why she's looking. Make her sweat."

"Right."

We knocked our heads together about logistics for a while. Dee would find Dave here tomorrow, unless he was evasive, but he figured fuck it. Linda would learn of me from that, unless I was super sneaky. Dave and Pete would have to deny that I'd been here, and I'd have to park my car elsewhere in case they came looking. I was trying to think of ways to dodge Linda while at work when Dave finally fell asleep. I suppose the beer helped. I was still up, and it was the wee hours of the morning.

***

I left Pete's condo while it was still dark, after drinking the water and taking the vitamins and Advil he'd told me to take. I still had a few hours before I could get the kids. Much to my surprise, I managed to get in a quick nap after all. I just sat in my car facing east, so the sunrise would wake me up. I brushed my teeth again in a gas station bathroom and drove to the Porters' to wait.

The shit would hit the fan today.

I checked my phone. Nothing from Linda, no surprise. Nothing from the rest of the backstabbing bunch at the table, either. I'll bet nobody got laid.

Nobody except Linda and the Asshole, anyway.

I'd gone over several scenarios in my head, wondering how this might play out. I figured that Linda would most likely turn her phone back on before she did anything else. She'd learn that I'd gotten the kids. She wouldn't want to go to the house in her walk-of-shame dress, so she'd check at the Madison to see if her suitcase was still there. She wouldn't call me, wanting to have the conversation in person, so she'd go to the house, hoping to find me there with the kids, who would create a buffer against a screaming match.

Instead, she'd only find the mess I'd left. THEN she would call me, but I'd have my phone off, just like she did. I'd give her a chance to clean up the mess, find my wedding ring, and, hopefully, she'd suffer a moment of clarity about her insane notion that we'd go right back to the way things were.

After that, I didn't know. Everything would depend on how long she stayed with the Asshole and when she'd decide to try to show up. She'd call Dee pretty much right away, who'd surely have a tale to tell about how I'd left. She'd also talk to her parents at some point, because they'd call her and demand to know what happened and why I was leaving the kids with them. She would not be eager to have that conversation. But beyond that, I had no idea how things would go.

There were signs of life in the Porter household. We weren't due to pick up the kids until after eight, with Phil and Jane probably coming at the same time. They wouldn't be happy to see me, so I'd make sure to duck out early. I gave the Porters a few minutes to get their act together, but not enough time for them to be truly ready, when I rang the bell.

Emma and Tommy ran up to me in a cacophony of excitement about how much fun they'd had with their friends and they got to stay up and watch Frozen and eat ice cream and uncle Phil was going to let their friends get a new puppy and they'd name it Charlie and they were going to go visit and play with Charlie and are we gonna go get pancakes now and and and and...

"Why so early, Jim?" That was Mrs. Porter.

"Change of plans. Linda decided to ditch me and spend the night with her new boyfriend."

"She... what? Oh, my." She came in close and nearly whispered "Jim, are you sure you want to say that in front of the children?"

"They're going to find out eventually, and I'm not going to lie to them." I wasn't whispering back. "Lying is wrong."

"Lying is wrong." Emma was looking up at me with her eyes as wide as dinner plates. "Daddy? Does mommy have a new boyfriend?"

"Yes, she does, Emma. And I'm so, so, very sad and angry right now. I spent the whole night crying because Mommy left me alone."

"Whut. Whut. Whut are we gonna do?" She was moments from a crying fit. The news hadn't really landed on Tommy, yet, but he could see his sister was upset and he was getting ready to cry with her.

"Emma, look at me." She did, the foundations of her world trembling around her. "You are my girl. Tommy is my boy. We are a family, no matter what. We're going to live in our house and you're going to grow up with your mommy and daddy right there with you. Do you understand?"

She nodded, but was still scared. "Are you gonna... are you gonna... be mad at mommy?"

"Oh, yes. I'm going to be very mad. But I'm not mad at you, and I'm not mad at Tommy. It's not your fault. I love you and you didn't do anything wrong. Mommy did something wrong, and she's going to say she's sorry, but that won't make what she did ok. We're going to have a very big fight. But we're going to be grownups about it. We won't put you in the middle. And we both love you, very much, more than anything in the world, and we're always, always, always going to be a family. Ok?"

"Where's Mommy?" That was Tommy.

"Daddy said Mommy's with her new boyfriend."

He looked back and forth at me and Emma, skeptically.

"Who's Mommy's new boyfriend?"

"He's an Asshole," I told him. Both my kids' jaws dropped open as they gasped in disbelief. Mrs. Porter may have joined them.

"Daddy, you said a Bad Word."

"You can say bad words when you're talking about the right things. When you poop, you're allowed to say poop, right? It's only when you're not really talking about poop that it's a bad word. Well, mommy's boyfriend is an Asshole. I'm going to say it because it's true. And if you want to say it, too, that would make me Happy. I would be so Proud of you and so Happy when you call mommy's boyfriend an Asshole. Go ahead, say it with me. Asshole."

"Asshole!"

"Asshole!"

"Asshole!"

"Asshole!"

It quickly degenerated into an enthusiastic chant, with Phil and Jane's kids joining in, while Mrs. Porter looked on, horrified. I could hardly be more pleased with my kids than I was at that moment. Mr. Porter came in from the kitchen, clearly wondering what the hell was going on. I gathered up Emma and Tommy's things while the Porters attempted to wrangle Phil and Jane's kids' chaotic misbehavior.

The stories would start flying about this.

"Thanks for looking after them. If Linda comes by, tell her... well, tell her I was here." Then I gathered up Emma and Tommy with the rest of their things out to the car and left.

I was feeling pretty good that nobody knew what I'd been up to or what my next move would be. Our original plan had been to take the kids to the International House of Pancakes, and Emma and Tommy knew it, so there was no avoiding that... but I didn't go to the one on the way to our house. I got on the highway and headed towards Nana and Pe-Pop's place. The kids were still so distracted by their toys and devices (and shouting "Asshole") that they didn't realize where we were going. The nearest Ihop was about twenty miles down the road, so they were complaining they were hungry long before we got there. They were also concerned that mommy wouldn't get any pancakes, since she wasn't with us.

"Mommy's having pancakes with her boyfriend."

"Asshole!"

"That's right! Asshole! Very good." I couldn't keep the smile off my face.

"Are you and mommy going to get divorced?" Emma asked.

How the hell did a six-year old girl get so smart?

"Emma, lying is wrong. I'm not going to lie to you. I made a promise never to lie, and I made a promise that we would stay together as a family. Okay?" She nodded. "Mommy hurt my feelings really badly. Mommy hurt the marriage, too. I don't know if I can forgive her. She's got a new boyfriend even though I don't want that. We're going to have a big argument, and there will be lots of crying and yelling. That's grownup stuff between mommy and me. You're not a part of that. Understand?" She nodded again. I took a breath. Truth time.

"I don't know if we'll get divorced or not. But for now, nothing's changed. Divorce can take a long time to happen, maybe years. Maybe longer than you've even been alive. If we ever do get divorced, you and Tommy will be a LOT more grown up by then. Maybe you'll understand better and it won't hurt anybody's feelings so much. But for now, we're going to still be a family no matter what. Okay?"

"Do you still love mommy?"

"Yes I do. Very much."

"Does mommy still love you?"

"I think so. But she hasn't told me so since she went to be with her boyfriend. I think when we see her, she will tell me that she still loves me."

"So why can't you stay married?"

"Maybe we can. I don't know."

"Why did mommy have to get a boyfriend?"

"Remember what we call him?"

"ASSHOLE!"

"That's right. I'm so proud of you. I don't know why she made the Asshole her boyfriend. You'll have to ask her that question."

"Can she have the Asshole boyfriend and keep you as her husband, too?"

"Maybe some people can do that. We can't. I can't be like that. I think that maybe she won't keep him very long at all."

"So you'll still be married?"

"Yes. But we have to have our argument and be mad and cry first, and we're not going to decide anything right away. Not today. Not tomorrow either. Maybe not for a long, long time. We'll just have to see how it goes."

"I hope it goes okay."

"Me too, sweetheart. Eat your pancakes."

I told them that we were going to Nana and Pe-Pop's place instead of going home. That was because daddy made a mess in the house because I was angry and sad and alone, and we needed to clean it up before we tried to sleep there. They seemed to think it made sense. There was a Walgreens right next to the ihop, and I went in with the kids for a purchase I did NOT feel good about, but goddamnit, I had to KNOW, after last night. They looked puzzled when I took the security-locked boxes of home DNA tests off the shelves, but they were excited when I let them each pick out a little toy, too.

They watched "Frozen," again, the rest of the way to Nana and Pe-Pop's house. Twice. And they sang all the songs. It was awful, but I wouldn't trade these moments for anything in the world. I probably had few enough of them left.

God Damn You, Linda.

***

"Jim? What are you doing here? And Emma and Tommy? Where's Linda? Did something happen?" Linda's dad, Rich, was a good guy. He'd made it clear from the beginning that I'd never be good enough for his little girl, but neither was he, and neither was anybody else, either. As long as I was good to her and kept trying, he supposed I'd do.

"As far as I know, she's safe. But yes, something happened."

"Mommy's with her boyfriend. He's a Asshole."

"Emma! Watch your language." He said it to her, but he was staring at me. What she'd said registered with him and he wanted to know if she'd had it right.

I just nodded.

"I told Emma she was allowed to say that about him, Pe-Pop. I told her it makes me happy and proud."

He considered that, taking it all in.

"Well, all right. Just don't say it too much or too loud, ok? Nana doesn't like that word, especially coming from you, pumpkin. Come on in. I guess you better tell us the whole story."

Janice rounded the corner, a mug of coffee in her hands.

"What? I mean, Jim. Ah, good to see you. Is everything all right? Where's Linda?"

"She's fine, I guess. But she dumped me to spend the night with another man. She's still with him."

"NO. I cannot believe she would do that. You must be mistaken."

"I can't believe it either, but it happened right in front of me, and now here we are."

"He's a Asshole."

"Watch your language young lady!"

"Daddy said it was ok."

"I did. And I told her it makes me happy when she says it."

"Jim," said Janice, "I think you should go over everything from the beginning."

So I did. We got the kids settled with their games, then we sat down at the kitchen table over coffee. I told the whole story again- the party dress, the Porters' babysitting, the Madison, the dance club, Marc LaValliere, Dee's bathroom dodge, and the vomit and my wedding ring. The kids were bored because it was a grownup conversation, but I'd bet anything that Emma understood more than she let on.

"I just can't believe any of this. That's not like her at all," said Janice.

"I'm having a hard time dealing with it, myself."

"What are you going to do, Jim?" Rich asked. We all knew what he meant.

"I haven't decided."

"You'll have to talk to her."

"Agreed. But more importantly, she's got to talk to ME." I may have flared up a little bit there. Rich was taken aback. "She hasn't yet. The last thing she said to me was 'I could use a little freshening up' as she pretended to go to the ladies' room with Dee. Your daughter seems to think she can just... do this to me. To US. Sure, I'll be mad, but she's presuming that she'll get me back under control and it'll all blow over eventually." My tone of voice made it clear that I was not going to let it happen like that. I hoped so, anyway. "The way I see it, it's not up to me to make things right. It's up to her, and honestly, I don't know if she can."

"I understand, Jim. If what you're saying is true, and I still can't believe it is, it looks like you two have a lot of work to do if you're going to get through this. I just want you to remember one thing, though. This isn't just about you. This isn't about your hurt feelings. This is about your family. This is about them." He waved at Emma and Tommy.