February Sucks: Same Old Me (3of4)

Tommy's eyes got wide and he blurted out "Marc is the BAD GUY!"

"He's the VILLAIN." Emma was still nodding. "Mommy can't see it. He just wants to ruin everything and take over, and Mommy doesn't know."

"We have to tell her!"

"That's not how it works. She can't see. She won't listen. She's under his spell."

"What are we gonna do?"

"I don't know."

"Wait. Tommy. Did you just say 'Marc'?"

"Mommy said not to call him Asshole. His name is Marc."

"Have you met him? Has he been in the house?"

"No."

"Emma, did Mommy tell you to say that Marc hasn't been in the house, or that you haven't met him? Did she tell you to lie to me?"

"No."

"Did she tell you not to say anything?"

"No."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Lying is wrong."

"Lying is wrong," she agreed.

As I was looking back and forth between them, I saw new information passing between them on their faces: Mommy and Daddy Aren't Talking. They're saying different things. They don't agree on what's going on. There isn't a 'Mommy and Daddy' right now, there's Mommy, and there's Daddy, and they're in different worlds right now.

I have smart kids, god damnit.

"Okay. Tell me what she told you about Asshole."

"She said not to say 'Asshole.' She said his name is Marc. He's a gentle man."

"He is NOT a gentleman, he's an Asshole. And I don't want to hear you saying his name. Okay. All right. Mommy can tell you what to call him when she's around, but I'm going to tell you to call him Asshole when I'm around. I know it's a bad word but he's a Bad Man. He stole Mommy away from me and he's making your Daddy go away. I know mommy says he's nice, but she's Wrong! She's Deceived! He's the Villain, right?"

They nodded.

"As long as Mommy believes he's a nice man, he's keeping me away, and we can't be a family anymore. He wants to steal you all away and kick me out. I can't be your Daddy anymore if Mommy loves him. If she's even friends with him, I have to stay away."

I saw an ocean of pain and consequences on the tiny faces of my children. So young. So wise. So vulnerable. God Damn You, Linda. God Damn You.

"Did she admit that he's her boyfriend?"

"She said he's not. She says he's just a friend she knows."

"Biblically."

"What does that mean?"

"Ah. I shouldn't have said that. It's grownup language. It means she knows him like she would know a boyfriend or a husband."

"You're her husband, Daddy."

"She seems to have forgotten that."

"No, Daddy. She knows you're her husband and she's waiting for you to come home. She's so sad. So sad. She cries every day. Every day. When are you coming home?"

"When I've found my friends and they help me get strong so I can defeat the Villain. Right?"

"How long is that gonna take?"

"I don't know. I'd do it as a montage if I could."

"What's a montage?"

"That's where they play a song and show scenes of a lot of time passing, but the job is done when the song is over."

"So do it like that! I'll sing the song for you."

"I'd love it if you could sing the song for me, but I don't think enough time will really pass while you do."

Undeterred, she launched into an enthusiastic rendition of 'Let It Go,' and of course she knew all the words backwards and forwards. Tommy joined in for the parts that he knew, which was most of it. They'd only watched the movie seventy-one thousand times.

"I've got to go now," I said when she was done. "I'll be away for ten days, in a city called Atlanta. I'll call you from there, but I don't want to talk to Mommy, I'll only want to talk to you, okay? I'll figure out how to make that happen. I love you, you know that?"

"How far?" This was a thing we'd say.

"To the Moon and back again. Then to Mars, Saturn, Jupiter, Uranus, and Neptune!"

"And all the way back home again?"

"And All The Way Back Home Again."

"I love you, Daddy." She raised her tiny arms for a hug. I got down on my knees to give it to her.

"I love you, Emma. I love you, Tommy."

"All the way back home again," he said, hugging me, too.

"All The Way Back Home Again."

***

I could barely see through my tears to drive when I left them there to get picked up by Linda at the regular time. With my plans for the day changed, I decided to do a few errands before I made it back to the hotel.

Phil was surprised to see me showing up at his workplace. Hell, I was surprised to be there, too. Last time I'd seen him, he'd been ready to punch my lights out, and I would have hit him right back twice as hard.

"Jim. Uh. Hi."

"Hi, Phil."

"What, ah, what are you doing here?"

"We Need To Talk." Translation: 'No, Phil, I'm not here to apologize, or ask for an apology from you, but I'm not planning on this being hostile. There's a whole bunch of business between us and it's time to clear the air, because I'm about to go on the warpath and you need to decide where your loyalties lay.'

"Ah. Okay. Right. Hey, this isn't a good time. Why don't you swing by the house tonight? Bring the kids."

"Not that kind of talk, Phil. And it needs to be now, I'm afraid. Sorry."

"All right. Hang on. Debbie?"

A woman with medium brown hair poked her head up.

"Hold any calls I get and have James deal with the McCallister thing for a while, all right? This is something I need to take care of. Give me an hour."

"Okay, Phil. Is everything all right?"

"Yes, yes, fine. This is Jim Johnson. He and Linda are friends with me and Jane. There's something going on that affects our families, and we need to talk for a bit. One hour. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Come on," he said grabbing his coat. "Let's not do this here."

The coffee shop in the lobby of the building wasn't especially busy. He ordered what was basically cold cake batter slush in a glass with a little bit of coffee in it. I just had a small black coffee that I didn't plan to drink. Phil paid.

"Okay, Jim. You've got my attention. Everybody's been running around worried sick about you. Linda's been beside herself all week. Nobody knows where you've been or what you've been doing, and now you're coming to me? What gives?"

"I met with Linda for the first time this week at a counselor's office this morning. She said that 'all her friends thought it was okay.' She was very clear about that. She reminded me; while I was running around like an idiot at Morrison's, wondering what happened to her, everybody there already knew. Everybody but me. Specifically, all the girls knew. Dee and Jane were barely able to contain themselves from all their excitement, but Helen was in on it, too. Rosie knew, but she wasn't feeling too good about it. And Jane, well, you saw her. She was positively giddy. Everybody Was In On It. Why? How?"

Phil was as still as a statue, staring at his coffee milkshake. I pressed on.

"Seeing Jane get all excited like that stirred up something in you. It wasn't because I was giving her a hard time, you were mad at HER when I got in both your faces. There was something going on that I don't know about, but you did. Maybe it's none of my business. Maybe it's personal between you two. Well, fuck that, I'm asking anyway. I'm sick and fucking tired of being in the dark about what my wife thinks we're doing with our marriage, and I'm pretty sure you've got some insights on that subject that I would interest me GREATLY. So. Spill. Friend."

He took a slurp of his concoction and wiped off his lip.

"Well, you're right. What's between me and Jane IS none of your business. But you're also right that there's a bunch of stuff you haven't been told. I'd want to know it, too, if I was in your shoes. You probably... no, you definitely deserve to hear it. You've been dealt a handful of bullshit, and you don't deserve what's happened, that's for damn sure."

Another slurp.

"Okay. What I'm about to tell you, you did NOT get from me, okay? You were never here. We never talked today. You're still pissed off at me, as far as anybody else is concerned. I'm the LAST son of a bitch you want to talk to. I'm only saying this because I have to live with myself, and more importantly, I'm trying to convince Jane to find a new group of friends. Those bitches, your wife included, are Trouble with a T. Sorry."

"Don't be."

"Okay. Right. So, I'm going to tell you what the deal is, to the best of my knowledge, even though this is the kind of thing I shouldn't talk about and wouldn't talk about with you. But first..."

Dramatic pause. I raised one spockish eyebrow.

"...You've got to tell me where the hell you've been all week. You basically vanished. It spooked the hell out of everybody."

"I spent the first two nights crashing on Dave's brother's couch. His name's Pete. He got divorced a few years ago and has a really sweet but freaky looking cat named Frankenstein. Then I checked in at work and spent the rest of the time at my Mom's house in Colorado. I'm only here for today, then I'm leaving town for ten days. It's work related. I volunteered for it."

"Not going to tell me where?"

"Emma and Tommy know. Maybe your kids can get it out of them."

"Okay. Well, you really had everyone baffled. Remind me never to play hide-and-go-seek with you."

"Deal. Your turn. What the hell is going on?"

"Jane and I. Ah, Fuck." He drank more of his frothy cake in a cup. "We nearly got divorced a few years ago."

"I didn't know."

"Nobody knows. Well. The girls do. They Talk. And that's part of why we nearly got divorced. The five of them, Dee, Helen, Linda, Rosie, and Jane, they all get together and cackle about all kinds of shit. Some of it is pretty racy. Some of it would curl your hair if you knew about it. Specifically, they talk about cheating, and how much fun it is. Or would be. They talk about how awesome it would be to step out on their husbands and have a magical night of amazing sex with some strange hunk or other. It's their favorite subject."

My blood turned to icewater. Again. That's twice in the space of a few hours.

"Just like..."

"Just like what happened to you. Yeah. That's EXACTLY the kind of thing they go on about all the time." He looked at an empty spot on the table, refusing to meet my eyes. "And now it's real. Jesus. Jane would have my head on a stick if she knew I was talking about this with you. I was sworn to secrecy, but this shit has gone too far. She only tells me about it because we're in marriage counseling, and it's supposed to just be just between us. That's the deal. She doesn't keep the girls' secrets from me, but I have to pretend I don't know. But the shit they talk about... they seem to think it's all in fun, just idle chatter. But also not. It's legitimately exciting to them. Thrilling. Then Linda actually pulls that stunt right in front of your face, and all of a sudden it's not just fun and games anymore."

"I, um. I had no idea."

"Fucking right, and you still don't, okay? You didn't get this from me, remember? As far as I know, the only one who actually steps out on her husband is Dee. She'll grab a stranger for a one-night stand a couple times a year, just because it gives her a rush, and then she brags about it to her friends. God. It's all I can do to look at Dave and try not to think 'You Poor Bastard.' He's got no idea."

"He kinda does. He's been jealous and suspicious for a long time now. As of Friday, he's certain. I spent the weekend talking with him and Pete. Dave's going to divorce her ass for sure."

"No shit?"

"No shit. It's a done deal. He's not buying any more of her bullshit."

"Good for him. Dee's had this coming."

"No doubt. She's a complete cunt. I'm never talking to her again." I shook my head. I'd had my doubts about whether or not Dave was right, but this little bit of news settled that. "So... um. What happened with you and Jane?"

Phil sighed.

"Goddamnit. All right. So, Jane's a terrible liar. You know how expressive her face is. She couldn't lie to me about what she had for lunch. She's tried a few times, just to see if she could, but she's like a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. It's just impossible. So, that little gaggle of slut wives had gotten her all worked up. She was obsessed with the idea of getting some strange cock, but there's no way she could be secretive about it. So, instead, she came to me all innocent and sultry and tried to sell me on the idea of opening our marriage. To other people. Maybe it could be a kind of a 'Hall Pass?' You know what that is? A free pass to sleep with somebody else. A get-out-of-divorce-free card. Or maybe soft swap, like at a swingers' party. Or maybe something else, like 'explore other relationships.' Wasn't I curious? Wouldn't that make our marriage better? Spice things up a little? Keep it fresh? Hadn't things grown kind of stale? Wouldn't a little variety make us appreciate each other more and love each other even more? That kind of Fucking Bull Shit. And she wouldn't stop. She kept hitting me with that pleading doe-eyed look, you know, you've seen her do it."

"Yeah." I remembered how she'd looked at me that Friday.

"I told her absolutely fucking not. We all talked about this, you know, and we all agreed, as COUPLES, that 'one and done' was the rule."

"Oh yes. We've all been pretty clear about that."

"Yeah, you'd think so. Well, I dug into her about where this crazy fucking idea came from, and she let out that when it's 'Just Us Girls,' it's a whole different story. She let me in on their obsession with extramarital sex and she 'kinda' wanted to try it for real. The rest of them had been coaching her about how she could manipulate me into going along with it. Apparently, Dee volunteered to run interference for Jane by offering up herself for me to fuck. The rest of the gang talked her out of that, saying it would be awkward."

"Jesus."

"Yeah."

"Jane kept asking me to consider it, anyway. She wouldn't push. She just tried to persuade me, as sweetly as she could, not to dismiss the idea out of hand. I told her to give me a few days to think about it and we'd talk."

"Shit. You didn't."

"Fucking A Right I didn't. I thought about it for maybe a tenth of a second and said 'Fuck That.' I did take a few days to get back to her, sure. I used the time to make some preparations for our little talk. She was on pins and needles, anxious as all fuck about what I might say. She was super sweet and super attentive, trying to be the perfect little wifey. And, she tried to fuck all the bones out of my body. Surprisingly, that was not as fun as it sounds. I was still furious with her, and I sure as hell did NOT trust her. The whole time, I was worried she was thinking about some guy named Tony The Baloney or some shit.

"So I sat her down at the kitchen table that Friday and told her I was ready to talk. She was all eager and nervous. I had two big manila envelopes for her. I said she would have to choose one when I finished talking. I said 'Jane, I've been thinking about what you're asking me to do, where we're going with our marriage, and I've taken it all very seriously. I'm sorry I just brushed you off before and just said 'no' without even really considering it. Well, I've considered it. Really considered it. And I think that we ALREADY have an open marriage, and you just haven't gotten around to Fucking Telling me. Your goddamn cheating slut friends have talked you into being a goddamn cheating slut, too, and you've got your douchebag cheating boyfriend all picked out. If you haven't been fucking him already, you're ready to do it right now, as soon as you get the fucking all clear. You've probably already got the goddamn hotel room booked. Who the fuck is he, Jane? Who the fuck is he and how long have you been fucking him, or planning to fuck him?'

"She tried to deny it, she swore up, down, sideways and backwards that there was no one else, that she was 'just curious.' I screamed at her, Jim. I screamed my fucking head off, I hurt my throat. I could barely talk the next day, I screamed so hard. I said 'BULLSHIT!' and 'I DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU' and I called her a lying, cheating, selfish, manipulative SLUT. I'd never spoken to her that way before. Never. Never never. Nothing even close to that had ever come out of my mouth, but I wanted it to land hard, and boy, did it ever. She was screaming, crying, tears were coming out of every part of her face. She was curled up into a little ball, bawling like a baby. Part of me wanted to comfort her. The part of me that still loved her wanted to take her in my arms and tell her everything would be all right, but also, I was so, so angry. I was certain that she was already cheating on me, or just about to, or really wanted to. That meant, to me, our marriage was already over. She'd already rejected me, pushed aside my feelings, and she was just going to go ahead and do what she wanted and to hell with her boring stupid old husband."

"I, ah, know the feeling."

"I bet you do." He shuddered. "Sorry. Bringing it back like this... I can still feel it. This was a few years ago, but I don't think I'll ever really be over it."

"God. I get it. Um. What was in the envelopes?"

"Oh. Right. While she was crying on the floor, I opened the first envelope and threw a set of divorce papers at her. I'd already signed them and had them notarized. All she had to do was sign them as well, and that would be it. I'd file and the marriage would end. I said she could have all the fucking boyfriends she wanted, but she would not keep me as a husband. I was OUT and we were OVER. House or no house, kids or no kids, we were DONE."

"Jesus."

"I thought we were done, Jim. I really did think so. I believed that was it. Jane is really good at getting what she wants, and if she wanted strange cock, then we were pretty much divorced already. I was just making it official."

"What was the other envelope?"

"Blank papers and a business card. I told her that if she had any interest at all in trying to save the marriage, she needed to write down all the shit she'd been doing and planning behind my back, the names and addresses of her lovers, and their families, how long she'd been fucking them, how long she expected to keep that kind of shit up, like that. All of it. All the stuff I was never supposed to know about, all the shit she'd plotted with those bitches, she had to include everything. The business card was an appointment with a marriage counselor I'd made for the next day. If she wanted there to be any chance, at all, of staying married, she had to write it all down and bring it to the guy and I'd meet her there in the morning. We'd probably still get divorced anyway, but that was her only chance.

"I left her there, crying on the floor, and I spent the night in a motel. I had a bag packed in my car and everything. Didn't sleep a wink. I went to the counselor's office the next morning, looking and feeling like absolute shit, and wondering if she'd show up. It was surreal. I was in this kind of other-space, wondering whether I still had a marriage or not. It was out of my hands. She came in looking and feeling worse than I did. She had all that paper with her, scribbled with ballpoint pen. She hadn't slept either. She was up all night crying and trying to write it all down. I was right, by the way. She had her affair partner already picked out, some guy from work she'd been flirting with for months. She said she hadn't 'really' done anything with him yet, but yes, they did have the hotel room booked already. That's one thing I said that really had her freaked out. That was just dumb luck. I later learned that she'd been on the phone with Dee, and Linda, and Helen, too, and they were trying to coach her about how I was bluffing and how she could make me come around, and she told them all to go fuck themselves because they'd ruined her marriage and that she'd already lost me. All she said when she finally saw me that morning was 'I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry,' over and over again."