All Comments on 'Feelings, An Essay'

I will say it once

To the extent that you made us cry, you made us feel joy, pain and apprehension, to the extent that you made us feel like we could fly a helicopter, you proved your talent. You brought two beautiful and smart women together, you gave life. I won't go "there" but you know where there is and you were for those moments a creator.

Thank you, again.

How the heck did you become so wise? I’ve spent the last few years trying to be more involved with my emotions and not hiding them away. I’m finally getting to be a lot more emotional in private and hope to someday get my public self to match up more to the voice in my head (or feelings in my heart). Reading stories like Hard Landing have definitely helped. The MCU movies have also been important. (I couldn’t talk after seeing Infinity War.) And now you bring tears to my eyes with a simple essay. You are a writer, and I am happy to be able to read your writings. Thank you

I am one of those that commented as you have pointed out, and though I don't take offense, I would very much like to explain why I thought this was a compliment of the highest order... from me anyways.

For starters, personally I have never shown a lot of emotion my entire life. Not because it defies my masculinity, but my personality is one of metered control. It isn't that I refuse my feelings, nor is it because I am ashamed of those feelings.The empathy that you speak of, is there, internalized, it speaks to me in ways that you might not understand, but it is truly there. An example of this was two weeks before Christmas when my (for the lack of a better term) father in law took his own life in my living room, with his daughter in the next room. I happened to be at my office after having words with him 30 minutes before, that we would discuss the issues at hand when I returned home. There is a flood of emotions that go with this event. Upon first hearing of it over the phone, my heart sank. My mind was a blur with what ifs. And my greatest concern was for my life partner of 13 years, the daughter, who had just found her father in the easy chair in the throws of what would be his last breaths. She was crying hysterically, for obvious reasons as her father was air lifted to a well known trauma center. It is during these darkest hours that I internalize my emotions, to be the strength that my partner needs now and in the coming hours. There will be the hours of being held by the local sheriff office as they process the crime scene. The fear that the medical people will not be able to save his life. And the not being to be able to be by his side if he does succumb to his wounds. And although I share in her pain, and in her doubts, with a few of my own, I choose to repress those feelings for another time. So that I can be the "rock" she will need to process this. This has always been my nature, the voice of reason, the person that is strong enough to manage the tough decisions as they need to be made and be the emotional support that the rest of the family will need. My time to feel my own feelings will come later. And they did. Not so much in the form of tears, though I would be lying if I said I did not get choked up.

That is a rather extreme example. In the case of your writing and the wonderfully written characters, they are fictitious. And your writing conveys them as if they truly exist. You have personalized them for us, made your readers bond with them. But they are fictitious. And my mind is one that tends to keep the reality of the situation in perspective. This is only a story. A well written one at that, but a story. So the likelihood of my investing my emotions so deeply that I display outward emotion are slim. Not that I don't have empathy for the characters, but that overall this is a story. So when I write in the comments that your story made me "cry like a little girl", I mean that as a huge compliment to your ability to give your characters a life that I would normally dismiss as a fiction. Perhaps the term " cry like a little girl" is not a good choice of words to reflect that you drew out emotions in a setting that I rarely do. Perhaps that is demeaning to women (or men) that are more willing or more able to reflect their emotions. That was not my intent with that comment. And truthfully, I just choked up a bit, kind of a catch in my breath, but still emotion that I am not accustomed to showing outwardly for a fictional story. Not because I can't, not because I deny myself the emotion, but because as a realist I do not invest my emotions so deeply for fiction. On the other hand, I do tend to get choked up for stories and or events that are biographical. Maybe not to the level of openly weeping, but certainly that little hitch in my breath for the loss of 6 school children on a school bus, lost in a blizzard in Colorado. I can easily empathize with the parents loss, the bus driver's valor to try and save them (he was one of the six), for the community that searched and found them, and the medical teams that worked so hard to save the remaining.

So if you should come across a person that is not outwardly emotional over a specific event or set of events, understand that it may not be the lack of ability to show emotion, nor a desire to repress emotion because it is not cool, or a sign of weakness. It may be that this person has a different way to come to terms with the emotions they experience.

For the record I tend to be the same way about love. Though I do understand the importance of expressing that love to others and conscientiously make the effort to display that love, it is not in my nature to do so. It exists. It is real. But for reasons that I can't explain why, I tend to not act upon those emotions.

Again, you are one of my most favorite authors that I have read. Ever. And my comments were only meant as the highest form of admiration that I could express to you. As you point out though, the wording could be construed as demeaning, and for that I apologize.

I do understand that writing at this level can be emotionally taxing to you, the writer. I sure could not, and perhaps this is the reason your writing is so stellar? It is my hopes that you do continue writing, as I believe you have a real talent for it. I would hope that you find a balance between the emotion and your writing that will allow you to continue. But more than that, I thank you for sharing a story that has touched so many people on a higher level. And I do agree, stories such as "hard Landing" and "Horizons" might have an impact on readers, such that it might give us a better understanding, for a much better world.

Hey there! Thanks so much for this essay. Funny story here, I haven’t read a single one of your stories yet. I recently came across your name because of all the high ratings on your stories. I checked your bio and saw that you had left and I really felt bad that I was so late to the BrokenSpokes party that I wouldn’t have the chance to communicate with you.

Imagine my surprise when I saw your posting today! This was the first thing that I’ve ever read by you. Knowing now, the passion that you have for writing and the human spirit, I will binge read everything you’ve written. I’m inspired by your talk of compassion and empathy which is indeed in short supply these days. I thank you for putting your thoughts and feelings into words and written so eloquently. I am very sorry to be late in finding you but, I am already so glad that I did at last.

I wish you all the very best in your future endeavors.

Your newest fan,

FullBliss

Yes, you are a writer. When Jo's helicopter went down, we were right there worrying along with Blue and the rest of the group. When Jo was frustrated with her recovery, we felt like we should be there to put an arm around her and tell her it would be ok. And you also crafted an interesting story that made us look forward to the next chapter because we couldn't wait to see what happened next.

I too am a comics geek. I also need to see the Superhero movies as quickly as possible. I was also in tears in the theater and have been known to cry at sappy commercials.

Your story resonated, at least with me, because I could see some of myself in the characters. Or I could see someone I know in them. I would love to see you come back and write more because of how your story made me feel. And if you find yourself in need of it, I'll be "on your left".

I only recently found your Hard Landing stories after a reader suggested I would enjoy the series based on my own submissions. Everything in this essay resonates with me. I have gotten many comments and feedback emails with many of the same sentiments. I craft my stories and characters with care. Writing them often drains me emotionally. I leave nothing behind when I write about their lives, their trials, their ups and downs and their anguish. Their love. It’s extremely cathartic on many leva to pour myself into the characters I write.

I spent a while thinking about your essay and how I "felt" about it before responding. I wanted to put what I felt the right way.

I do not cry. Or, I rarely cry. I tear up once in a while during a movie, and I have cried on a few occasions as a result of something sad happening in my life. But I cannot recall EVER crying in front of another person as an adult. It's just something I don't do. I never have. I don't make a point of trying not to, I just don't do it.

Is that toxic? I don't think so. I'm a fairly verbal person, and I know I'm better than many men at communicating my feelings. But I don't do so by crying, and to be honest I don't want to. I don't feel I'm missing anything.

On the subject of toxic masculinity, I have mixed feelings. There are many men whose behavior is toxic, but I'm not sure it's primarily because of masculinity, and I'm also not sure that we have not, perhaps, gone too far in condemning masculinity as a trait in general.

I believe in tolerance, and I believe we should tolerate people whose preferences, sense of identity, and behaviors do not fit neatly within traditional binary definitions. If other men want to cry, so be it. But, for me personally, I enjoy a life that is to some degree binary. I enjoy playing the masculine role in a relationship, and I enjoy having a partner who enjoys being feminine. And that means that, probably, she's going to cry more than I do. I don't see that as wrong or toxic. We can all feel things without all being the same in how we express how we feel. I prefer to express myself without crying much.

I’m a naturally shy person and so for years I’ve held in my emotions when in public. As a man born in the 1960s I have grown up in a society that has made me believe I shouldn’t cry, especially in public. I also feel empathy a lot and have struggled over the years to keep that from anyone but those closest to me.

In private when I’m reading emotive stories or watching something that moves me then my emotions flood through me and the tears often flow and yes it is cathartic and I believe that I get more enjoyment because of this. Good stories, as yours are, draw me in and make my emotions run strong. I love longer stories that build the characters and make me feel I know them and am along for the journey. I feel mentally drained at the end of a good story, tears have usually flowed and I am wrung out as the saying goes. For me that means I’ve really enjoyed myself and I actually feel a sense of loss as it means I’m not in the stories universe any more and I don’t get to see what happens to the characters tomorrow.

Thankfully age has given me some wisdom and I’m now much happier expressing my feelings in public but I’m not all the way there. My family know I will cry when watching a movie but friends and colleagues don’t see that side of me. Is that because I’m shy or because I fear I will be categorised as a ‘cry baby’, probably both but I’m getting better.

What I do know is that your stories have been more than worth the read and have made me, laugh, cry and experience lots of emotions.

You are a writer who has shared her stories for free and for that I thank you and ask only that you please carry on. Discovering chapter 2 of ‘Twas the night before ... today was a wonderful surprise and has left me wanting more.

Trained from birth not to show, "soft" emotion, because "feeling is weakness," I quietly cry at the emotional bits in story because the emotion has to come out.

Feeling isn't weakness. It's strength. Knowing what those around us are feeling is what makes us able to be good people--it's the boundary between good and evil.

Empathy is our most practical defense against "the devil." It's what makes a creature with a sense of self able to sense another self. Feeling is what allows kindness.

Feeling doesn't say "it is what it is," it asks "can I help" when it's able, or says "let me sit with you" when there is no other way to help.

Bless you for your stories, and the emotions they raise.

So you gave thoughts about joy laughing crying tearing a big stage and yes its part to express deepest emotions most heartily but some even soulful ..... The real interesting thing within this is, that the humans have two situations there we are not able to think clear or getting one and one done ..... Im mwean we are not not able to think then we laughing or crying ..... It's proofed by docs or physicans or whatever ..... So in a way its a safety valve system to enjoy both sides, one within joy the other within shut down ...... And brings us to our deepest own soul driving actings, we never talking about even with the closest friend ..... Its just us the soul and me and if someor someone touches this holy temple we are out of control ..... And you being able to open such temple doors are pretty important to let people feel tthem alive ..... So thanks for all of those parts of you, you presented here ...... ;)

First time reading an essay here. You should tweet this, post it on Facebook, add it to a Tumblr blog, record it for Snapchat... Put it out into the limited emotional landscape that can be found on social media. It would be of great service for every generation from Boomers thru Q to read and absorb this truth.

Bet you were that student who made grading assignments worth it to teachers. Thoughtful and intentional essay.

that rarely show emotions. It's not that I don't show them for fear of "feeling weak". It's simply that it's rare for me to cry.

Couldn't agree more.

There is no shame is showing your emotions but why is crying, especially for a bloke, so difficult to do when that is exactly what your body is telling you to do but your head is holding you back due to a perceived social taboo. Here in the DisUK it's all about the Stiff Upper Lip and carrying on and no place to just collapse in a heap and let it out. Maybe if we could do just that we wouldn't have some of the mental health issues that society now has to deal with. I have thoroughly enjoyed your stories, along with other on this site, and shead a quiet tear when the need demanded it. Nothing to be ashamed about.

Nicely said!

Thank you💜

With love,

Lance, Roxy and Bev

Thank you, I worked for 23 years in a field dominated by Toxic masculinity from both males and females. Few would ever show weakness by letting others see them cry. In that time I lost many friends. Some to cancer, some to other things, but the worst was suicide. PSTD was a factor in many of the cases. Not all the PSTD cases were suicide but it played a huge part in us losing them. Letting yourself feel is so important, it effects your health in many ways. Keeping it bottled up creates stress that can lead to many health issues. I implore everyone to take time to reach out to others. If you see someone crying, or just looking upset ask are you ok? Think how you would feel if you do not and then something happened and you never see them again. Trust me it hurts, and after it happening to me I learned to ask, and more importantly to cry. BrokenSpokes I thank you again for your service, writing, but most of all your love and compassion.

We live in society that in many ways incentives suppressing emotions rather than feeling them.

First, there is the society level which tends to profit off of and therefore promote clamping down on your emotions. If you're emotionally well-balanced, you might feel less need to consume to increase your happiness (or ease your unhappiness). You might not see increasing your income as the way to fulfillment and therefore be a less profitable cog in the machine. And lots of empathy and happiness often makes for poor warriors or soldiers...

Second, a focus on functioning by suppressing your emotions often gives short-time financial rewards. You might work beyond your limits and get that promotion. You might have more money because *you* are not that sappy person donating for the animal shelter or all kinds of causes. (You'll be less fulfilled of course, but since you haven't experienced the alternative, chances are you'll think you're better off...)

And of course, as Julia explains to Winston in '1984', if you're not personally fulfilled, your frustration is a force to be directed.

Empathy, on the other hand, tends to make you feel for the downtrodden and even demand things like equal rights for minorities or redistribution of wealth, which rarely is in the interest of the rich and powerful.

I wholeheartedly agree with BrokenSpokes' essay and want to add: Yes, you are a writer, and a damn good one! You make your readers feel, laugh and cry, fear and smile for the characters. That is in large parts because your characters may be a bit larger than life, but not so much that they don't feel real anymore. They are like real persons, and that is no small feat!

I'm sure many people started to read this. And when they found it really wasn't a story, they stopped. Boy, did they lose out on some powerful wisdom. All your stories are filled with such wonderful emotion and insight. I am so glad I stumbled upon your stories. I am not breathlessly awaiting the 9th chapter of Journey. I have been truly captivated by each of your stories and feel like I know each of your characters since so many of these people have reflected emotions, pain, and happiness I have. Thank you again for sharing a part of yourself as you develop and share these stories with those who have been blessed to discover your work. You work has touched me deeply. I wish we were personal friends so I too, could 'be on your left' when you need someone to bounce off your thoughts and feelings with.

All writers of true fiction want this; it's half the point of writing. Otherwise we might as well be writing an encyclopedia. To be sure, there are writers more interested in the conveying facts (and possibly the idea of impressing their readers with their factual acumen). Maybe these writers won't allow themselves to feel, and that's the only "safe" way for them to write. But their stories fall flat to me. The Hunt for Red October was a tour de force of nuclear submarine technology; but wasn't a story about people. I have always believed (at least back as far as I can remember), that characters make stories, not facts, not technology, not necessarily even objective reality.

Last month, my psychiatrist said something to me that has been roiling in me ever since: In general, humans do not develop a full sense of empathy until their mid-to-late twenties. I laughed at him. But since, I found myself coming back to it, over and over again. For example, what is the force behind bullying (in younger years, but at any age as well): lack of empathy. The inability to put yourself in the shoes of the person you're bullying. Why do so many college romances collapse: same thing. Undeveloped sense of empathy. It's why so many descend into selfish pedantic behavior.

Funny thing is, empathy isn't just something comes upon you without your control. Your have to let it in. Most people learn it from their own pain and hurt. You feel the pain and ask yourself how you'd deal with that same pain if you see it in other people—and empathy grows. It's the primary reason that the very rich are so cold to the rest of humanity: they've never had pain to work through to develop empathy. Most never do. It's why kings grow cold; it's why CEOs are so out of touch. It's why politicians cannot make a decision without a poll; they have no empathy for their constituency.

For us writers, funny thing is, it doesn't have to be REAL pain. Fictional pain can hurt (and teach) just as well. When Jo looked at Liz in her wheel chair, it hit her that she didn't have it as bad as she thought. And was amazed by Liz's upbeat attitude. Empathy. And your readers can learn it from your writing just as much as reality (and maybe more because you get the fashion the "teaching" moments just so).

The lack of empathy enables people draw nice neat little borders around "us" to justifying hating "them". It doesn't matter if it's countries, races, genders, sexual orientation, or just two random people. The mere ability to draw those circles—and believe in them—is the direct opposite of being human; it's almost robotic. It's something you wouldn't be surprised to see out of Spock or Hal or Data.

I originally set out (some 25 years ago) to write fiction that would "teach" people how to behave better (among other things). I wrote (in science fiction settings) about groups who did figure out how to progress, to collectively overcome themselves. I was saving these worlds, right where people could see and learn from it. But, as I "grew up" I realized that approach would never work; there are thousand of people in the world right now trying to teach humans to behave better; but it hasn't worked.

One of the best sci-fi stories I've ever read was Asimov's Foundation trilogy. And, as the same time, it was the worst. Isaac's point was to fruitlessness of mathematical prediction when it came to humans. And yet the story was packed with science, technology, mathematics, and tons of other "objective" information. It the quintessential sci-fi story. I loved when I read it 15 year after it came out (I was 10). Reading it again 40 years later, I realized it wasn't a story at all. It barely involved individual humans; they were all NPCs. That was disturbing, disheartening, and yet enlightening; that was ten years ago.

But eventually, about 5 years ago, I realized my only choice for a writer was one human at a time. And since the only tool I felt I understood well (I used to teach in universities and had already felt the frustrations from that) was my writing. And I changed completely. I quit writing about humanity and started writing about humans, individual humans.

BS could not be more correct. The primary goal (and maybe the only one that matters) is to get my readers to feel. I've had the luxury of spending most of my adult life traveling internationally. And *without exception" I have been floored by the people I've met, the worlds they grew up in and continue to live it, and how unexpectedly open, honest, and helpful they were. And I learned, one culture at a time, that there are no evil humans. There are only (unintentionally) evil institutions. There really are no "bad guys".

That exposure, visibility into something "foreign" is what I seek in my writing. Unexpected people, unexpected situations, unexpected ethics. The whole gamut of "experiencing the unexpected" is what I aspire to. For exactly the reasons that BS espouses.

Isolation is the enemy of humanity. Empathy can be its savior …

… definitely not technology as most sci-fi preaches.

Thank you for writing this fearlessly. This essay needs to be read in High Schools as a set text. Sadly links to Lit would cause issues. Do you blog?

I cry like the man that I am. Same as I laugh, feel sad, aroused, happy sad etc. I've never had a problem expressing my emotions, well not since I became an adult. I'm old so my childhood was in a different world to today. This needed to be said and it should be trumpeted from on-high in every school and university. Everyone should understand it's ok to feel stuff, be who you are and accept others for who and what they are. One day we will figure out all the rubbish society dumps on people and we can just be ourselves and be proud of that. Great storytelling you are one of the select few on here who are writers and writers of high calibre too. Thanks for sharing your vision. BardNotBard.

I am partly guilty as charged! So… thanks for this lesson. I never try to hide tears when my feelings brings out that reaction. Or any other feeling for that matter. However, in my comments I could easily write things like «even if I am a male» or «turning into a sobbing dork». As if crying makes me less of a man or a dork. I never really thought about your points before I read this essay. Your story brings about all types of feelings or emotions. That is really at the core of what I consider the brilliance of your authorship. I fully accept them and I have never been ashamed of them either, but I I feel guilty for diminishing them. I will put an end to certain ways of commenting from now on. When my wife and I watch a gripping or romantic movie together, we often end up in tears, either because it’s sad or because someone finds love, and after we usually end up laughing of ourselves for being so emotionally engaged. Maybe we should stop laughing at ourselves.

And Spokes…

YOU. ARE. A. WRITER!!!

"Because I believe that empathy is the single most important thing that can nurture and prod people into being good to each other, to care for each other, to work together to foster a healthier society."

Beautifully said. Many years ago, I attended a talk by Daniel Keyes, author of "Flowers for Algernon." His lecture was about the importance of empathy. He argued that the most consequential function of fiction, the thing that gives it the potential to change the world, is its ability to allow us to empathize with others, even (and especially) those who may be very different from us. Reading your essay took me back to the lecture hall.

Thanks for so eloquently expressing such an important sentiment. And thanks for sharing your feelings with us. : )