In BDSM fantasies I get to play out the reverse of female objectification and sexism and turn the tables on men. In real life, I am not a sexist. I like men and see them as my equal unless they give me reason to believe otherwise. I am able to separate fantasy role-playing from my real feelings as a person. I know that in my real life I would never make a person into an object, label them or humiliate them as I do when I feminize them, however, in fantasy, feminization and objectification are quite therapeutic.
Probably all sorts of experts would argue with me about the harmful effects of BDSM, but I'm not really worried about what the experts say. Experts are sometimes full of hot air. Shame and objectification are so closely tied to our sexual experience, and not in a particularly positive way. However, exploring the shame, objectification and negative rigid gender stereotypes in role playing rids it of some of its' power.
BDSM in the case of cross-dressing or feminization is like a powerful political satire. People can and do have a sense of humor when performing BDSM cross gender role playing scenes. In acting out the stereotyped behavior, the participants become changed and transformed. Cooptation of behavior, words, and labels of a culture, specifically the sexist or rigid gender traditional culture, is a method of deflating or transforming it into something else. Using language like bitch, or using stereotyped behavior in role paying is a kind of cooptation. Cooptation is a powerful political and cultural tool which can be a catalyst for both personal and social change. For example, the word Queer is a label which has been transformed into something more positive by the gay community, and is cooptation of hate speech for the purpose of reclaiming it and changing its' cultural connotations.
There are certain triggers which are sexual hot buttons for a male submissive some of which I have taken from gender stereotyped culture and transferred to my feminization sessions. They are my own personal hot (anger - not sexual) buttons, and they seem to translate into something very exciting for men. In experimenting with feminization domination fantasies, I have learned some of the things that really send men over the edge. Not every man is the same, of course. And some of the techniques I like to use will work on some but not on others.
- Objectification - turning the tables to make a man feel like a piece of meat, a boy toy, or a thing to be used. Using a man, if only momentarily in sexual fantasy, is very therapeutic for me as well as exciting for him.
- Ways To Objectify Him
- Dress him like a slut
- Offer him $5 in exchange for his services
- Pinch his butt
- Wolf whistle as he walks by
- Tell him that he is just a sex toy to get you off.
- Put a cock cage or chastity device on him and only unlock it when YOU need pleasure.
- Treat him like a party boy, i.e. dress him in a thong and make him serve your guests, and provide them with WHATEVER services they need.
- The Housewife/Whore Dichotomy - Women's roles are so rigidly defined in traditional culture and there is a sexual tension regarding whether a woman is a good girl/mother/wife or a slut/whore. Many cross dressers play out the roles in their fantasies. Men who are into feminization enjoy playing out these housewife and whore roles, and they do it with a flair. I have to say that the amusement I feel at their flaming behavior only adds to the arousal that I feel. Seeing a man walk in your shoes, literally, is a great aphrodisiac. And the act of satirizing negative stereotypes is an incredibly empowering release for me from the power that they hold over me.
I believe that their fetishizing of rigid gender roles is a way of understanding and changing them. Very few women feel the sexual freedom which allows them to express themselves sexually without feeling guilty. It is a little unfair that men can be the slut without paying for it. Making a man into a feminized slut is very satisfying to some women because it is a way of acknowledging that men can be sluts too, and freeing ourselves of the double standard that says that it is not okay for women to express themselves sexually. I believe that sexual repression is the basis of much evil in the world and has extremely detrimental effects on the human psyche.
- Role Playing the Housewife/Whore
- Make him dress like a maid and perform housewifely duties like cleaning, laundry, and cooking. Some Mistresses go as far as making him wash out their panties and hose by hand as an act of humiliation.
- Make him feel like a whore by trading him out to other Mistresses.
- Shame - I don't like shame because I think it is destructive not only for women but for men as well. Women experience much shame with regard to sexuality. But the fact of the matter is that shame within the context of BDSM has the effect of producing a brain chemical cocktail. I'm not sure exactly what chemicals are involved. Maybe it is a cocktail of adrenalin, serotonin, norepinephrine, endorphin, etc. But being shamed or humiliated by a Mistress can induce a sexual rush. Not all men get the rush, but for those who do, it is a powerfully addictive drug.
Humiliation is also a way of desensitizing ourselves to the things which shame us and trap us in guilty, conflicted, self-defeating behaviors. While the main aim of humiliation is sexual gratification or control, I feel that it has an eventual positive effect psychologically by getting us out of the shame cycle by desensitization, though at first it may be a little difficult to deal with.
- Ways to Humiliate
- Use negative labels like whore, slut, cocksucker, boy, girl, bitch, etc.
- Make him feel embarassed for getting turned on by something which is taboo to him.
- Treat him like a child or be condescending.
- Punish or discipline him publicly.
- Make him do things which he finds humiliating or taboo.
- Humiliate his dick size; make him feel like he has to try hard to be man enough for you.
- Pain --- I'm not into extreme pain, only mild discipline. But pain induces a similar chemical reaction like shame. Men are socialized to be impervious to pain, but often are drawn to it as a method of letting go of control. Pain can let a man know that you are in charge not only of his orgasm but of how he pleases you, how fast he performs, etc.
- Mildly Painful Pleasures
- Nipple pinching
- Hot wax on the body and genitals (hold it up high so as not to burn
- Cropping (lightly)
- Flicking nipples, cock, etc with a finger
- Mildly squeezing genitals
- Nipple clamps
- Cock leash i.e. leather cock harness with dog lead
- Penetration of his ass with a finger or two, a small butt plug, or a small dildo
- Vulnerability -- similar to pain in that men are socialized to be invulnerable. But men have a great need to let go of their control and be vulnerable and get in touch with a more feminine side. I think it is helpful to them in connecting with their emotions and in connecting with others. But they are so caught up in the rigid role that society expects of them that they need a safe place in which to let go which does not spoil their image in real life. They often do not want to let go of control in front of their wife or girlfriend. Being feminized gets men in touch with that vulnerability element and they will express emotions and feelings that they don't express normally. It allows them to experience a more feminine type of pleasure which is about opening up and receiving rather than conquering and penetrating.
- Ways to Help Men to be Vulnerable
- Treat him like a girl in every way. Help him to feel feminine.
- Encourage him to vocalize in a feminine manner during sex. Tell him to moan lightly like a girl.
- Emphasize the fact that you are going to "take" him and not vice versa.
- Get him to spread his legs like a slut.
- Call his ass a pussy and his cock a clit.
- Make him feel that you are in control and that you WILL without a doubt penetrate him, remembering the BDSM guideline of Safe, Sane and Consensual.
- Talk to him about the sensation of stretching him and opening up his tight hole.
- Pin him down or tie him to make him feel helpless. Please be careful when tieing though because some people have anxiety and could have a serious panic attack. If there is any nervousness at all about bondage or if you do not know your play partner well, I would recommend escapable bondage like velcro cuffs or quick release mechanisms.
I feel that the feminine and masculine orgasm are very different in their nature. When I am role-playing as a male, I imagine my clit growing and becoming elongated. I imagine myself actually penetrating the sub with my clit and the strapon just becoming the substitute or proxy for my pleasure. The orgasm that I experience is much different when I imagine myself with a dick than when I am in a femme role.
I think that the male role reversal experience is similar. To open up, spread your legs, and take rather than give is a uniquely feminine experience and has a totally different feel during orgasm. Not only is the prostate being stimulated producing a deeper orgasm, but the emotions associated with that type of orgasm are very different.
It is quite possible to have an orgasm while strapping it on. There are vibrators which you can buy that attach to the middle strap. Some people even get turned on enough by the friction of pumping and the rubbing of the strap that they can cum without additional devices.
Men sometimes forget that there are more ways to satisfy a woman than just with a penis. Women can experience a very happy and lusty sex life without ever being penetrated with a cock. Extremely feminized men often do not desire to penetrate their Mistress any more. They often begin to have lesbian fantasies and want to satisfy their Mistress in a more lesbian manner. Of course there are also men who cross dress or become feminized who are still very macho and very much in love with fucking and penetration. There is a wide spectrum of cross dressing behavior.
I believe that it is also a misconception that only gay men like being penetrated. Many heterosexual men enjoy being penetrated anally. And it is not just effeminate or feminized men who enjoy being penetrated, either. Bull doms can be receptive and take a cock or a strapon. Many of them like being penetrated. However, I think even they will agree that the feeling of an "innie" orgasm is much different than that of an "outie" orgasm.
Breaking rigid stereotypes is always powerful, and through the experience of feminization or cross-dressing people can act out negative stereotypes thereby transforming them. Cross dressing is not only pleasurable sexually, but emotionally as well because it seems to empower its' participants. Cultures throughout the ages have recognized the power of cross dressing and have adapted cross-dressing as a method of satire and social change. Powerful spiritual leaders such as the Berdache in native cultures cross dressed.
All of us have shadow natures and an animus or anima that drives us unknowingly. Getting in touch with the inner feminine, or the inner masculine in my case, is a powerful way of balancing the inner self. Being a feminization Mistress gives me a sense of accomplishing something very important and powerful for men psychologically as well as socially in how they interact with others after they have experienced feminization.