Fifth Anniversary Honeymoon Cruise Ch. 05

"You do too, Mark. I hear that you've done well with your company. Maybe you can make a contribution and make Margaret happy!"

"Well I'm sure that we can work something out." He just looked at Julie's face with an intense stare almost as if he were searching for something.

Julie withstood his scrutiny as long as she could. Finally, her equanimity and self-control failed and she burst into tears. "Oh, Mark, I'm so sorry! I wanted so badly to come see you and apologize when I got back, but I didn't have the courage. I hurt you so badly that I just couldn't face you. I...I just ran away after I signed the papers. It was all my fault and I just wanted to get out of the way." Tears were streaming down her face as she talked.

Mark reached across the table and gripped her arm. "That's enough of that, Julie! I didn't come over here to criticize you or have you to criticize yourself. Of course I didn't expect to see you today!"

"Obviously I didn't expect you either - in fact, I really didn't expect to see you again, period! I feel so unbelievably guilty, but you're here now and, damn it, I...I want to unburden myself if you'll let me. I know that you must hate me and I certainly hate myself. You've been very kind to me - going with 'mutual consent' on the divorce papers instead of charging me with adultery, forcing the bank to keep me in my job, not letting anyone see those pictures you took! I...I'm still horribly embarrassed when I even think of them! I so much wanted to thank you, but, as I said, I didn't have the nerve to face you."

"Julie, I'll listen to anything you want to tell me. Maybe we can find a more private and more comfortable place if you want to talk."

"We...we could go to my apartment if you want to. We could stop and get a pizza. Look, I know that this is an imposition and maybe you don't really want to hear me, but since I've started, I would like to explain - not excuse - my stupid, unforgivable behavior."

"First, Julie, I do not hate you! You did hateful things which obviously were hurtful. I never understood some of your behavior so maybe both of us would get something out of it. Your apartment would be fine and pizza would be good. It's not the way I intended to spend the evening, but it may be worthwhile. Is your car parked near here?"

She gave a timorous laugh as she replied. "No, I rarely drive anymore. My apartment is right in town so I use the city bus most of the time. It's much cheaper and I don't much money coming in. My job doesn't pay well - it's a non-profit after all. In addition, I'm officially only part time. Maybe you heard, but I'm working on a graduate degree at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania."

"Yeah, I did hear about. What's going on? Wait, let's get my car and I'll drive you home and you can tell me about it."

With Mark carrying the pizza, Julie unlocked her door and they entered a small living-dining-kitchen room. She laughed as Mark looked around. "It's small and certainly not luxurious, but it's just for me! There's a bedroom and bathroom through that door and that's it. Cheap and big enough for one person. Anyway, it's better than a studio apartment - at least I have a separate bedroom. Come on, let's eat"

"Are you having money problems? I thought that you were pretty well fixed."

"No, I'm certainly not destitute. I was given a raise at the bank when they promoted me and I saved most of my salary. I really had nothing to spend it on. Then when I resigned I got a nice severance package which was a pleasant surprise since I really wasn't expecting anything. Then, you left me my 401K. Still, while I certainly was pretty well off when I left the bank, I had nothing coming in so it was best to be careful. Of course, I voluntarily gave up that steady income so I knew what I was doing.

"However, the tuition and fees at Wharton are really high so it's prudent to limit my expenses. It's funny though. After you guys sold out to Google for some outrageous sum, several would-be lawyers at school said I should have delayed our divorce so that I could have shared in the bonanza! I just laughed at them and told them that I was in a hurry to put the divorce behind me. Man, did I get some weird looks! If it's not a secret or you just don't want to talk about it, how much did you get?"

"Well, first we decided that we didn't want an IPO - we just weren't interested in running a business. Once we decided to sell, we had a bidding war behind the scenes, with Goggle, Microsoft, and Yahoo seriously competing. That jacked the price up since none of them wanted to lose to the others. Unbelievably, we ended up with almost three billion dollars in a stock-cash trade. Actually, it was a bit more than that because they took over our debt, too. About a billion of it was in cash to split up. We had four of us sharing the big bucks. Ed Swington and Jerry Swartz got the most as originators, Ed Johnson and I came next and about fifteen others became instant millionaires. I ended up with about 250 million plus a bunch of Google stock which probably is worth twice that."

"My god, maybe I should have held out longer! No, honestly, I'm not the least bit envious. You worked very long and very hard and if anyone deserved to get $250 million dollars - which, frankly I doubt - it's you! I can't even imagine that much money!"

"Well, it was a lot of money, but, putting it into perspective, Google paid 3.1 billion dollars for Double Click in 2007 and that was almost a decade ago. Prices have soared since then and those companies talk billions like they did millions not long age. I agree, though, that the numbers are impossible to comprehend. Who can picture a billion of anything? I still think in thousands, not even millions! However, it means I can do things I never dreamed of when we were at Penn State." He paused and wryly smiled as he continued, "I get a lot of mail these days from Penn State's University Development office and the Office of Gift Planning! Word gets around fast! That's how I met Margaret and reconnected with you, of course. Life certainly changes fast when you get money, for the better in this case!"

As they ate the pizza, Julie explained her change of occupation. "I didn't know what was going to happen when Henry and I got home, but I was totally shocked when he was fired. That isn't how it was described, of course, but he actually was fired with five others. Frankly, when I heard about him I expected to be fired, myself, but I guess I was seen as an innocent party. In any case, as you know I was retained and, since I knew the division, I was put in charge of it. I did a very good job - no false modesty - and it turned out that if I stayed I was going to be made a junior vice president next year, Henry's old position, the youngest person ever to get that status.

"Something in me had changed through. For whatever reason, I've just lost that driving desire to climb the corporate ladder. I thought about it for weeks to make sure that it was what I wanted to do and, finally I just resigned. Boy, did that cause a fuss. Nobody would believe that I was just deliberately leaving a high paying, prestigious position voluntarily. Suddenly I was called to the office of the CEO of the whole system, Mr. Ballard, and that was when I discovered how kind you had been to me. He needed to be assured that I wanted to leave since he had made a promise to your lawyer that I would be treated fairly. I...I wanted to call you right then and thank you, but I didn't have the nerve.

"In any case, you know that I always had thought of taking some graduate courses and I had nothing to do in the evening after we got back from the cruise. To fill in the time I got the idea of taking a graduate course on the internet. I checked Penn State's World Campus and enrolled for a course and loved it. It's the top ranked internet college in the country and I can see why. Anyway, after leaving the bank I had an epiphany, why not do what I had always wanted - go to graduate school! I wanted to stay in Philadelphia so I applied for and was accepted at the Wharton School in finance and I did very well in a couple of courses in the spring. As a result, I applied for and received enough student aid to take courses this fall and, this may shock you, I'm actually thinking of going for a PhD. You know, of course, that I've always loved school and have done well, so that is my plan now. I'll keep working part time with Margaret with asset management."

"Wow, that is quite a story and you really surprised me. When I heard that you had left the bank I assumed that you had lost that extreme desire to climb what you called the 'corporate ladder' and crack that glass ceiling. Maybe your obvious success in running your division removed the need to prove yourself. Whatever, I admire your courage to make such a drastic decision. I'm sure that you will do well in graduate school."

"Thank you! That makes me feel good. However, a lack of courage is part of what I wanted to talk about." She hesitated as she tried to put her thoughts in order, but she found it very difficult to do. Finally, she blurted out, " Damn it, Mark, after waiting almost a year to talk to you l...l don't know how to start. Look, I'm ashamed of myself and the way I've acted and the things I did. I'm not in any way trying to defend myself - what I did was wrong and I know that I hurt you very badly. I can't forgive myself and I certainly am not going to ask you to do so. What I want to do is explain some things, not excuse them.

"The simple truth is that Henry seduced me! I can't tell you how hard is to say that! It's like when someone is scammed by a con artist but won't complain to the cops because they're too embarrassed to admit that they were so gullible. Henry was wonderful. He promoted me over people with a lot more experience and really helped me when I got started. He stayed an extra half hour every day to mentor me. He was important, always impeccably dressed, imperturbable when problems arose and, significantly, he was charismatic. He became like an idol to me I respected him so much and believed everything he said.

"The first sign of trouble, although I didn't recognize it at the time, was when he hugged me one day when I really had been a success at something - I don't even remember what. He started hugging me every day before I left the office. I wasn't totally naive and I heard a little warning in my head but at first I thought that I was being silly and, anyway, I liked it. The next step did ring alarm bells. One night he gave me a quick kiss as he hugged me and I knew that I had a problem.

"Why didn't I stop it right then? Two reasons. Partly, again, I admit that I liked it but mostly - and this is worse - I didn't want to risk my job. He started hugging and kissing me every day when I left and I rationalized it by thinking that it really wasn't important. I honestly felt no sexual attraction to him, but I just didn't think that those little things really mattered. Bluntly, the whole thing was corrupting. I was doing well, practically running the division, the boss was interested in me and, well, it all went to my head. I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing with Henry. I was important in the division and my career path was clear. That's when I became what you called a 'queen bitch.' One day I was brought to earth when you finally blew up at me.

"That was an eye opener and suddenly I saw myself as I was. I was inundated by guilt. I saw Henry's action as what they were and that I was going toward trouble. You had warned me about Henry's intentions, but I had ignored you, but now I saw the truth. Right then I promised myself that I would end that stuff the next day even if it damaged my relationship with him. I have thought and thought, analyzed and analyzed but to this day I have come up with no explanation of the power Henry had over me. I walked into the office determined to end his seduction efforts as I now saw them, but, somehow I just didn't do it. I just didn't have the courage to risk antagonizing him and probably damage my career!

"I did pull back a bit and the kiss was more perfunctory than it had been, but I didn't end it. However, for a while I did back off on the arrogant attitude that I had adopted, but I never backed off with Henry. You and I argued steadily about the cruise with you questioning me on who would be going with me and me saying I didn't know. Guilt led me to be defensive and the gap between us grew. Finally I did ask Henry and got the answer I feared and I know that my face had guilt all over it when I came home. When you asked again I got even more defensive and really exploded. That told you what was going to happen and you quit asking.

"Then, of course, the horrible event occurred. You explained about the refund if we cancelled our cruise and you prepared that email to our travel agent and asked me to make the decision. I did the cruelest thing I have ever done! I was arrogant and full of myself and I instantly clicked 'send' before you barely had turned away. Not even giving you the courtesy of pretending to think about it. I stared at you in the most smug, condescending way possible and prepared for another major confrontation that I would lord over you. I have absolutely no explanation for my attitude, but I guess that the 'queen bitch' had emerged again.

"I looked up at you disdainfully and briefly saw hate in your eyes, hate that changed to love and grief immediately and, unbelievably, tears flowed down your cheeks. I could have died when I saw that and the grief hit me too. Then you quoted 'Smoke Gets in Your eyes' and said that I had killed something wonderful! Mark, you turned away and my mind screamed at me to run after you and plead for you to forgive me, but my body just stayed sitting there."

"I sat there for almost an hour, not even thinking, before I forced myself to go upstairs to the bedroom. I went to bed and cried, wondering how I had gotten into this situation but seeing no way out. Finally I fell asleep and woke up around 3:00 AM and found myself alone. I got up and went down to your office and saw you slumped down in you recliner and all the love I had for you overwhelmed me. I took off your shoes and covered you up and went back to bed. Finally, the fog that had been in my brain faded away and I decided that I had to stop this.

"I promised myself that I was going to get up early, head to my office and call our travel agent before she could act on that cancelation. Then I was going to see Mr. Devon and tell him that I was not going on the conference cruise. I decided that I would do that regardless of any consequences because you and our marriage were more important than any job. I got up early the following morning, dressed, looked in on you and headed to the bank. I walked in and headed for the office to make the call - and never got there. Whether it was just horrible bad luck or he suspected something, Henry was there early. He was always late, but there he was early!

"Before I could make any protest or tell him of my intentions, he pulled me into his office, put his arms around me and kissed me. I have absolutely no idea of what the power was that he had over me, but my good intentions and my promises to myself just faded away and I was lost again. I'll swear, it was as if he was like Svengali and he had hypnotized me. Whatever it was, when we were alone he completely dominated me. He was my idol because of what he had done for me and he certainly was a confident and charismatic man, so that was part of it. The other part, the larger part I believe, was my ambition.

"My horrible actions of last night had pushed my career objectives into the background, but they returned like an avalanche with Henry's help. Whoever or whatever was the cause, it was my lack of integrity and courage which permitted it. Regardless of anything else, I knew what I was doing was wrong - my feeling of guilt proved that. Unfortunately, that was the last time that I had a real opportunity to change the course of events. If I didn't have the courage to confront Henry and my own ambitious desires, that day, it wasn't going to happen.

"As would be expected, when I drove home that night I felt awful. I berated myself for I had placed my career prospects over what I knew was right and wrong. Even worse, I had postponed ending Henry's seduction efforts. No, that's wrong! I had moved further along the road to adultery, but I couldn't admit that although I think that I knew it.

"During that whole period I thought to myself that it was as if I were two people in one body. Part of me was so devoted to my career advancement that I would make almost any concession to protect it - including going on a cruise that almost certainly would end in adultery. I didn't recognize it at the time, but afterwards I even thought that my earlier decision to stay on the pill was an unconscious acceptance of the possibility. Certainly Henry had an easier path to seducing me that he should have. I think he recognized pretty quickly that my Achilles' heel was my ambition.

"The other person in my body was someone wracked with guilt, knowing that what I was doing was wrong but not being able to stop it. I don't know how many times I left the office feeling smug and happy and by the time I was home I was almost crying and, as I said, wracked with guilt. How one person could be dragged in two such different directions is beyond me.

"Unfortunately, bit by bit, the career side won out and I convinced myself that while what I was doing was wrong, everything would work out in the end. By the time I was coming home that night I had somehow convinced myself that things would be ok and that we could get past this cruise and have our own honeymoon cruise later. How on earth I could conceivably think that after the previous night I have no idea. I swear that my fixation on my career somehow divorced me from reality. Darn, I shouldn't use the word 'divorce' - the very word hurts!

"Inexplicable as it is, the only question in my mind when I got home that day was what I would find in the house. Would you even be there, would I be facing a tirade or, almost worse, would I face that defeated, downcast husband from the night before. I walked in and immediately smelled dinner and saw you with a smile on your face as you greeted me. There just are no words to describe the shock I felt.

"The whole evening it was as if I were in a dream world. We had a couple of almost regular days and I guess I began to think that you were ok with everything I had planned. Then, of course, I mentioned the cruise and you frightened me with your emphatic demand that I not use that word or refer to it. That told me that your calm and composed behavior was a façade hiding a volcano that could erupt at any time. I realized then that the damage I had done was far greater than I had feared and that you had moved past trying to save our marriage. You had given up on it and me.

"I think that that was the first time that I genuinely believed that our marriage was probably over, but I was trapped and saw no way out. No, that's wrong. I knew that the way out was to risk my banking career by pulling out of the conference cruise - and I just couldn't do it! That was my weakness. All I could do was pray that when it was over, you would forgive me. It was my only hope and, of course, it was in vain.

"Anyway, you and I walked on eggshells with each other for the rest of the month until I had to ask you to get my suitcase down and, later, take it downstairs for me. I packed all my lovely clothes but somehow you repacked it with old things and," she laughed, "those sexy white cotton panties from Walmart! I have no idea how you managed that. Then, the day I left you weren't in the house when I prepared to leave but, somehow, you got my rings! It seemed like magic. I don't know if you saw or heard me, but I was glad you had done those things because it wasn't right to have them with Henry.