by AstellaJerome
Such a perfect and well written story! Do consider writing more?
The "you, you, you" was getting on my nerves. You ask if anyone got off on this story - at least for me it's no. It was too short, just another stroke story. I would have liked to know more about these characters and even a tiny bit of plot so I could get into the er, "spirit" of things.
The reason it wasn't as erotic (to me) as it could have been was the way the story was narrated. The "you" and "I" viewpoint. For me, instead of this bringing me more into the story, it actually puts up a bit of a wall. I am not the man in your story, and I'm certainly not you. The constant refrain of "you" did this, and then "I" did that, only serves as a reminder of that.<br><br>
Other than that, it was well written. A brief moment in time, in the life of two anonymous people. Only at the end did you share a brief tidbit about each person: 1. He is twice her age, and 2. He won't come inside her pussy. <br><br>
The story didn't give me the "whoosh!" factor that a really hot story does. But I did appreciate the proper use of grammar and punctuation. (I'm not being sarcastic by the way, I really do appreciate things like that.)