Fight with Everything on the Line

This story contains serious fictional events. The characters experienced emotional trauma and violence but survived. The protagonist explains the actual psychology of what went on and the ultimate moral of the story she is narrating. There is no intent on sexualizing violence, and the antagonist's fate is left to the interpretation of the reader.

It's a difficult story for me to tell because it has painful memories, and it's not easy to justify what I did. It was many years ago but I remember each detail so vividly because those events were so intense for me. They became intensely personal, scarred me emotionally, shaped my career, and left me with lifelong questions. I've tried to put it behind me, but I know I cannot nor should I without facing what happened to me and what decisions I made at the time.

It occurred when I was in my final year of a psychology major at Dornsham College, a liberal arts school in a small town in Massachusetts. I was attractive and athletic, and ready for a new relationship after breaking up with my boyfriend. Being in a college town, most of the people I knew were in some way members of the school.

I was active in sports, particularly tae kwon do and lacrosse. I think these sports gave me physical confidence and a certain level of toughness that a lot of other young women didn't have. Some of them would have benefitted from some toughness, when I look back at it.

I was sharing an apartment near the campus with two other women. Pam and Kassy were good roommates. We shared meals, shared stories, and gave each other support. Support was particularly appreciated when it came to guys. The school had a men's football team, a men's hockey team, and other testosterone-driven sports that made some young men be led by their dinosaur brains.

I liked to work out in the athletic center two to three times a week. I lifted free weights and used the cable machines so that I can have well-toned muscles. My muscles were not bulky; nothing like that at all, but I had well-defined abs and my arms and legs were svelte and defined. I was very pleased with how my body was.

Pam and Kassy were also into sports but not to the same extent. They were pretty, and guys did fawn after them. Kassy in particular had great sex appeal. She was mulatto and had a slim body, large breasts, great face, bubbly personality, and sometimes a little too much gullibility.

One night in early October, Kassy was sexually assaulted. She was on a date with a hockey player and the date didn't go so well. He abandoned her in a bar, and she was joined by another hockey player. His name was Todd and he was not well known since he had transferred from another school at the start of that year. Todd walked with her, behaving like he was protecting her from the night, led her to a forest, and assaulted her.

Pam and I were getting ready for bed at the time when Kassy came in and told us what happened. She was a mess. Her shirt and panties were torn. She wasn't actually injured but very shaken and crying. No condom was used during the penetration of course, and the entire violent incident felt like he was asserting his power over her. Rape is typically like that. Todd was much bigger than her and she had no chance despite trying to fight him off.

Our first thought was to take her to the police so he can be arrested but she refused. She was adamant and didn't want to be questioned and grilled by officers and medical people and lawyers. She didn't want her name to be known around town for this and for the story to reach her family. In short, she wanted self-protection and closed up like many women react after being raped. We did all possible to comfort her and convince her that she'd have our full support during a process with the police and prosecution but she wanted to just heal and put it in her past.

A few days later I was in the athletic center having a workout. The weight room was pretty big and had both guys and women working out, some of whom I knew and recognized from my regular visits. I liked doing sets of high reps with the free weights as well as lying on the mat strengthening my own six-pack abs. I wore lycra shorts and a sleeveless lycra top over my sports bra. Beads of sweat were running down my neck, and my lower back was damp.

I noticed a guy looking at me a number of times. Just so you know, when a girl is serious about her workouts, she's really not welcoming of a pickup attempt in the gym, but some guys try. I made no eye contact with him but eventually he walked over to me in between my sets.

"Hi, I just want to say you're easy to look at when you're working out," he said.

"Yeah, thanks," I said curtly without any more than a glance at him.

"It looks like you've been doing this for a while. How did you learn these routines?"

Guys don't get asked a question like that, but guys do tend to assume a girl learns workout routines from another guy.

"I learned on my own," I said.

"I've been using the gym for a long time. I've also been coached. Maybe we can spot each other. I can give you some tips so you don't hurt yourself."

So that's his pitch. "Ah, thanks but I prefer to work out on my own." I paused for a second, looked back at the bench and said, "yeah so if you don't mind, I'll be getting back to my set."

He smiled and said, "Okay, yeah sure. I'll be around if you change your mind."

I just nodded and brought my attention to my set. He walked away.

He didn't stay much longer and left the room. I assumed he was done with his own workout and felt he didn't get anywhere with me. As I continued, a girl came up to me during another pause between my sets.

"Hi, my name is Amanda. I saw you were approached by that guy earlier."

"Yeah, another pickup attempt I guess."

She looked seriously at me and spoke in a hushed tone. "Stay away from him. He's trou ble. His name is Todd. He's a hockey player and he's dangerous for girls."

Oh my god. And she noticed the shock and recognition in my expression. "You look like you've seen a ghost or something."

"Uh, yeah kinda. Do you know about him? Have you had any experience with him?" I asked.

"Look I can tell you things but not here. Let's meet for a coffee later." I had some free time so I agreed.

After I finished my workout and had a quick shower in the locker room, I met Amanda at one of the town cafes. What she told me was horrifying. Todd had assaulted her too, and she knew at least two others that were his victims. None were physically injured but he always said he wanted to shoot his load into the girl. I told her about what happened to Kassy without naming her and this shocked her too. So this guy was a predator. But the worst part is that he was getting away with it. None of his victims wanted to go through the process of reporting it to the police and experiencing a trial.

I felt traumatized. He was a serial rapist and found his victims right here on campus, and none would call him on it. He will continue his attacks. My god, he tried to make me one of his victims today. This monster has to be stopped, yet I did understand why each of these victims as individuals don't want to step forward. This is terrible, and I felt I knew a terrible truth and I felt so helpless.

A couple of days later I was working out again, and there he was doing bench presses. He noticed me, but also noticed the angry look on my face when I glanced at him. Fortunately, he didn't try to talk to me this time.

Kassy turned out to be pregnant from the incident. She wasn't on the pill because condoms were usually used when she had sex with guys. It was the same for me, since I wasn't thrilled with the potential long term health risks. Her pregnancy made us more angry at the whole assault and Kassy was angry and despondent. She found him on the campus grounds and faced him. He smirked at her but turned angry himself when she told him she was getting an abortion. He was actually demanding that she, his victim, carry his offspring to term. When she described this to us, I started stewing about getting back at him, about stopping him. Todd seemed to look at girls as prey, but also as vehicles for his seed and progeny. With that psychosis, I expected he will simply continue to assaulting others and hope they will get pregnant and give birth. If his victims don't act to stop him, then who will?

During another workout, I was driving the weights really hard, thinking about Todd, grunting and sweating, and my skin shone, my muscle definitions visible in the mirror. And he came up to me.

"Hey again. You've got an amazing body, you know that? I really like how you grunt when you do that."

I replied coldly, "what do you want?"

"Hey, I'm just trying to be friendly. What's with the attitude?"

He glowered down at me. Even though I was 5'8", he was still over six feet tall. I also had my shoes off since I always preferred to workout in socks (I learned that's better for strengthening your feet muscles) so he was even taller with his shoes. This time, I faced him looking hard in the eyes. Even though I was afraid of him, I wasn't going to let him intimidate me as much as he wanted to. And this seemed to make him frustrated.

"You've got a problem. I don't know what it is with you," he sneered.

"I think you should leave me be. I want to finish my workout."

He replied, "yeah, I know what's wrong with you." He smiled and walked away.

For the rest of my workout, I was steaming and unfocused. In the shower, I stood there looking down for a long time. I looked at my arms and legs and I thought about my own strength. But I also knew that in reality he was bigger and stronger than me. Hockey players that reach the college level have been some of the best in the junior leagues. As they progress, the game they play in becomes much tougher and if they become the best, it is partly because they themselves are pretty tough.

As I left the athletic center, he came up to me outside. He must have been waiting in front.

"You're a lesbian, aren't you?" he goaded. "Pumping iron, grunting, yeah, aren't you."

"Fuck off!" I said and walked past him.

"Maybe you're not a lesby. Lesbies look like dikes. You have a good figure. You must need a good bone."

I stopped and looked at him. "I know who you are. I know what you've done. You need to be in jail," I sputtered.

His eyebrows raised and he smiled. "Do you, now? I think you need a good bone. That'll loosen you up." He again tried to stand over me.

I stepped back and said, "you stay away from me asshole. You stay away from girls. You're a predator."

"I'll be facing you whenever I want bitch. I know what you need." He smiled leeringly, and turned and walked away.

I had a tough time as I walked back to the apartment. I kept it inside. I felt hurt and angry. I'll admit I also felt pretty threatened. I wondered what I would do if he assaulted me. Would I be like the other girls and keep quiet about it or would I report it? When it hits you, do you stay high and mighty, do you still do the socially right thing? And what is the right thing now? This monster has to be stopped. This is what stayed in my mind and kept me up most of the night rolling in bed. I kept my thighs together lying on my side, my arms close and in front of my chest.

How much courage do I have? How much of a risk am I willing to take? And how much of a stand am I willing to make? I struggled with how I can live with myself knowing what I know and not doing anything. I also struggled with myself living in fear, knowing that this monster wants now to assault me, that I am now his target. Am I ready to accept that I will have to watch where I go, scared that I'm being followed, and avoid walking around after sunset? I felt so helpless and hopeless and weak, because I know the menace is out there and he will pounce on me on his time, in that very moment that is to his advantage. And when he does, I will become another of his victims, joining who-knows-how-many girls that he attacked.

I thought about carrying a knife with me. I thought about getting a handgun. But I have no idea how to fight with such deadly weapons, and in a panic, in close proximity to the attacker, I could just as easily be killed.

No, this is not the answer. Waiting to be attacked is not the answer. I need to somehow take some level of control over the situation and get him before he gets me. But I can't exactly go out and murder him; that would be too much of a fantasy.

I need to offer him something he wants such that I have a chance to deprive him of his ability to rape others.

The next afternoon, I returned to the weight room. After about an hour, there he was. This time, I approached him.

"I know your name is Todd. I know what you want from me," I said coldly and nervously.

He stared back at me coldly too. He sneered and said, "you do, huh? And what would that be?"

"There's something I want to say to you. But not here. Outside, in front of the statue." I looked at the clock. "How about at 6?"

He turned to look at the clock too, and said back to me, "yeah sure. I'll see you then." He must've been wondering what I wanted to say. He knew I wasn't going to offer myself to him, to spread my legs for him, yet he also wondered why I was toying with him about knowing what he wanted from me.

I was very nervous taking my shower. I felt my heart under my breast. Then I put my hand on my vagina. This is what he wanted after all. I worked at building up my courage for this.

"So you showed up," he sneered. "So you know what I want from you. And what do you think that is?" He took small steps towards me and I held up my hand.

"That's far enough. We can talk at this distance for now," I said. He decided to stop and wait for me to say something.

"I know what you want. I know what you did to other girls. You want to fuck me against my will."

He smiled at that. "You've got it all wrong. Yeah I wouldn't mind fucking you. And you want me to. I'll fuck you and make you feel it deep inside."

"Yeah okay, so you want to fuck me," I continued with his track. "Alright. And you want to fuck me because, for what, to stick me with your seed? Is that what you told the other girls?"

He laughed. "Yeah, y'know, it's pretty healthy for a girl, to have my seed inside her." I was thoroughly disgusted with this creature.

"I will give you the opportunity to fuck me and it will not be what I want. It will be against my will. But if you have that chance, then I want a fighting chance to not let you. And," I took a deep breath, "I want the opportunity to prevent you from putting your seed in other girls."

He looked very interested and perplexed by my words. "I don't understand what you mean."

"A fight, you against me, a real fight. You will try to pin me down and fuck me."

He sneered, "and what will you try to do?"

I took another deep breath. "I will try to bite your balls off."

His expression changed to utter surprise. He actually stepped back. "What the fuck. You're going to try to bite my balls off? Are you insane? What kind of sicko are you?!"

"That's the fight. We both have a lot at stake. But you're way bigger and stronger than me so you need to have more at stake."

He was thinking about this, trying to imagine how this would play out. "So you're saying you and I are going to have a fight, a rough and real fight, and I will try to open up your clothes and fuck you, and you will try to open my clothes to bite off my balls??"

"Not exactly. To make this work, we have to be naked from the start. This will be a naked fight. Completely naked, nothing on at all. And it has to be far away from others. No one else can be there. Not even a chance to be there. So I'm thinking the place will be that small field past Sampson Road."

He was stunned by this. "This is some kind of trick. I don't know what you're playing but it's a trick. It has to be."

"No trick. I mean it. Your prize is to load me with your cum. And you want to put me in my place, right? And my prize is you won't be able to do this to anyone else."

"You'll have no chance. I'll slaughter you in a fight."

I gulped. He may be right about that. "Yeah, well that's the risk I have to take."

"So like no weapons or anything. Just hand to hand. Our own bodies. Naked. Outside. Right?"

"Right"

"Okay, wait, but if I cum inside you, are you on the pill?"

This is another thing he wanted. "No, I'm not on the pill. I'm actually fertile so I may get pregnant. Like how you did it to Kassy, asshole."

He smiled at that. "Now we're talking. And if you do get pregnant, I want to know that you won't get an abortion. You're going to give birth. Otherwise, forget it. I'd just as soon fuck you another time."

Fucker. I considered this part of the deal. "Alright, I won't get an abortion."

He smiled. "This is great. I love it."

"One more thing. You have to show up completely hairless at your crotch, completely smooth shaved on your balls and all around. If I'm going to put my mouth on them, I don't want any hair."

"Ha, okay. No problem, you won't get anywhere close anyway. But then you have to also show totally no hair on your pussy. I want to see what I'm going after so I can enjoy it."

I guess that was fair. I thought about doing this. Yes, like most girls, I regularly shave my legs and armpits, and I also trim my pubic hair. Many girls shave their pubes, but I just take the grooming and trim approach. It almost came up once with my last boyfriend. He mentioned my hair the first time he went down on me, but seemed to get past that and it never came up again. Frankly I complained more about his facial stubble when he was eating me out.

"Okay, deal," I finally said.

"How about this Saturday? At 1."

I thought for a moment. "This Saturday at 1. I'll be there."

And we separated. I walked back to the apartment scared to death at what I just did. I fully understood that there will be a very high likelihood that I will get pregnant with this guy's child and have to give birth. I'm only twenty-two. What will I do with a baby at my age? But those are the stakes, and now I have to live with it. I can't back out now or he'll find me and be even more motivated to rape me.

Saturday morning after breakfast, I had a shower. I first shaved my armpits, then the full length of my legs. Then I shaved my vaginal area. I'd never done that before so I didn't quite have the routine. I shaved right around the crack too. Then I rinsed my body and dried myself with a towel.

I stood naked in front of the mirror and looked at my body. Clean, smooth, supple, even skin tone. This is the body that in a few hours will be in a real physical fight. I admired my body. It was very toned and athletic and showed muscle definition. The shoulders were slightly squared, the hips slight, the waist narrow and muscular. My breasts were firm and round and full. Without a sports bra, they will sway greatly. Their areolas were pink, the nipples outward. From my tae kwon do and lacrosse, I was very well conditioned and can move quickly. I can kick too, which will be important today. I also imagined that the same body in the mirror was pregnant. I looked at my vagina, now my bare hairless pussy. It was woman-hood and alluring and will be his target. I must protect it from his attack. I put my hand on it and it tingled.

I was so scared of what was coming to me.

I decided to trot to the field. It would limber up my muscles so they'll be warm and loose right from the start. And so I headed to Sampson Road alone. No one else knew what I was doing.

I crossed the road and passed hedges and a row of trees and came to a small grassy clearing. On the side was an old fence of driftwood. And standing next to it was Todd. He looked at me menacingly and cautiously. He wore jeans and a jacket.