Finding Mr. Wright Ch. 02

"Sex is like an atom bomb. A potent weapon which
 fascinates and frightens. We're afraid to let it loose,
yet we all have our finger on the button." -- Zeena Schreck

CHAPTER 02

Author's Note -- though this chapter contains some eroticism, there is no overt sex. This chapter involves Elizabeth's initial exploration into the world of BDSM and how she meets someone online who claims to be able to help her.

I awoke the next morning to the sounds of Jonathan calling for me. I sprung awake and gathered myself, sitting up on the couch. I realized that the TV was still on, so I shut it off just as he came into the room. I gave him the obligatory "good morning" and politely answered his questions about not being able to sleep, about watching a movie and falling asleep on the couch. I lied and told him I fell asleep watching Crazy, Stupid Love with Ryan Gosling (now there's a guy I would run away with, and yes, I know he's much younger, but oh my, who cares!). I then went back to our bedroom, took off my robe, lay down in bed and pulled the covers up over me. He didn't ask any more as I closed my eyes and pretended to fall back asleep.

My mind, however, was still in a whirl about what I watched and imagined the night before. I played the movie over again in my head, the parts I really liked, like the BDSM contract negotiations scene and the restraint scenes. As my husband got dressed, I dozed. When he was finally gone, I rose and started getting myself dressed and ready for the day.

Jonathan is a bit older than I am, by 17 years. We met in law school. He had a different career first then went to law school later in life, while I went right after college. We are both attorneys now, so we are pretty much able to make our own work schedule, going in or leaving as we need, so long as we get our work done. Jonathan deals in the oilfield and environmental law (boring!), and I do insurance defense (just as boring!), though we both work for different law firms. We both have to get in a minimum number of hours every month that get charged to the clients, or the partners get upset and you will quickly find yourself searching for a new job. Jonathan had long ago made partner, so that wasn't as much a concern for him, but I never intended to being a partner in a firm. Instead, early on, I planned on a family and opted for a position as a staff attorney, which is kind of a part--time lawyer. It still meant that I worked more than most other full--time jobs, but I was given quite a bit more leeway in working hours and minimum time than someone who wanted to make parter. So long as I handled the cases I was assigned, I was pretty much left alone.

As I rose and showered, my mind again drifted to the movie. No, that's wrong. I didn't think about the movie itself anymore, I thought about the whole BDSM concept. I know it's something people do, that it's real and it's out there. However, what I really wondered... was what I watched an accurate depiction of what BDSM is really like? Is it really just women being beaten by cruel men for the male's pleasure, as I once thought? Or is it more? Is there something else there for the woman, too? As I got out of the shower, I threw on a robe and was intrigued by the thought of the whole BDSM environment. I wanted to know more. I sat down at my desk in our home office, opened my laptop computer, and began searching.

At first, what came up were hundreds of porn sites. Though sexy at times, watching people act like they are having fun as having sex held no interest for me. I wanted to know about the more intimate, deeper details, not just watch a fake sex video. I skipped those and moved into reading different articles on the subject on different websites, and before I knew it, several hours had gone by. When I noticed the time, I jumped up, hurriedly put on my makeup, pulled my hair up in a simple clip, threw on the first outfit I saw, and hurried off to work, my mind ablaze with thoughts of all I had just read.

To say it was daunting would be an understatement. For each different site, for each different person, there were multiple thoughts and reasons and ideas on each of their own experiences and on the subject of BDSM itself. Some said it was different based on each person's own sadistic or masochistic nature. Some condemned it. Others reveled in it. Some said that it was the duty of all women to submit to the superiority of men, and we should take our beating and whippings lovingly from men. (Yeah, right, like I would buy into that). Still other sites said it was the woman who had all the power, even she was the submissive in the relationship. (Though how could that be, I thought)? I found that idea the most provocative and wanted to know more about this aspect, but I got distracted again by some of the more extreme things people talked or wrote about... things like knives, cutting, blood, piercing... and even disgusting bodily waste. Um... no... no interest there for me at all. I guess each of us have our varying degrees of interests and limitations, and even perversions. Ah yes... limits... that actually turned out to be a very key term, as I was later to find out, and a very important one at that.

So the day went by and I found myself returning to somewhat normal, but the subject was never that far out of my mind. Though I had read more, I still was a long way from understanding what this BDSM thing was all about. For starters, I now realized that it was actually more of a lifestyle for some people. It wasn't just something they did on occasion when the mood struck them... it was something they lived their lives around. It became all--consuming to them, addictive, almost like a drug. Since I was never one to even try any illegal drugs (I never even smoked a regular cigarette), I found that concept to be the most surprising of anything that I had read.

By the time I was done for the day and on my way home from work, Jonathan had already texted me and said he was working late. Fine. I stopped by a small Chinese takeout restaurant and picked up some chicken lo mien noodles. I dropped these on my desk in my home office, went to my closet and stripped off my work clothing and put on a simple set of sport shorts and a loose T--shirt. I grabbed a bottle of iced tea from the fridge and returned to my desk, starting up my laptop again, eager to return to my search for clarity and understanding of this new BDSM world that I had just discovered.

As I nibbled on the food from the cardboard container, I now delved into some other, more 'in depth' sites than I had discovered previously. Rather than just the articles and explanations, I looked at interactive sites, like forums and meeting sites, where people would post their own stories or questions and have them commented on by others. Some sites were people seeking meetings, others were organizations recruiting members, while others were just general discussion forums.

It was the discussion forums that I thought would give me the most information and seemed the most appealing, since they looked to be real people discussing their own personal interests, rather than some corporate something just trying to advertise or sell you sex toys or rent sex videos. The common requirement throughout these sites, though, was that you had to be a member of the website to do anything more than just read a few cursory posts. I had no idea which one was for me, so I decided on joining the one that I saw was one of the largest and most commonly seen in search lists, figuring that might give me the largest range of information and understanding.

I joined under an alias, certainly not wanting to reveal my real name or address, and I created an anonymous and private email account so that wouldn't reveal anything about my identity. I started filling out the profile section, and actually did so as truthfully as possible, listing myself as married but inexperienced in the world of BDSM, with a husband who would not be involved and that I was keeping my presence on this forum as well as my interest in BDSM completely hidden from him. When the site asked me to upload a picture of myself, though, I naturally left that blank. I registered my login name as "lisa" with some numbers behind it. My full name is Elizabeth, but when I was a child, my nickname was 'Lisa,' so I went with that. Maybe it was fitting, since I am a 'child' investigating this new world of BDSM to see what it is all about. I verified everything through my new private email account, and I was then approved as a new member.

Now logged fully into the site, I passed on the obligatory "join now for premium membership" advertising. I don't know of a way to pay for something and still remain anonymous, though I'm sure I could figure out something if I had to. Instead, I just went straight to the forums, reading and learning... and my, was there quite a bit to read and learn!

At this point, instead of reading about things generally as I had before, I was now reading about different things specifically, as in actions and occurrences from a first-hand account of people that had done these things themselves, both men and women. However, as I read more, something kept nagging at me. I couldn't put a finger on it initially, but then I realized what it was. Almost all of the accounts were written from the perspective of the man. Sure, there were women always involved, but all of the stories and invitations and accounts were written by men. Even if it was supposed to be an account written by a woman, reading it quickly revealed that it was written by a male, as the emotions and feelings or even the understanding of the female anatomy was completely wrong (and something only a woman would really catch). Naturally, this made me less than excited and I logged out of the forums.

What popped up then on my still open membership page were the email notices. I looked and found the natural "welcome" message from the site. From there, even though I had been signed up on this site for less than two hours, there was already sixteen messages from other users. All were from men. Five were from men telling me what they wanted to do to me. One included a picture of a fairly gross naked man with an unattractive body, his face blurred. Several others included a picture of the man's erect private part. The other messages were automated messages (though I actually found this out later) asking me to "upload a picture" and "you'll get more responses and be found in more searches that way." Sure... I'll upload a picture of myself... have someone recognize me... forward the picture to my husband or law firm... and my career and my family life would be ruined.

Finding little on this site, I decided to try a few others, using the same screen name and the same anonymous private email address so it couldn't be traced to me personally. I pretty much had the same experience on the other sites, though there wasn't the same amount of information and range as the first and most popular site I originally found. I became bored and returned to that original site.

When I logged into that site again, I was greeted by over 40 email messages now. Yes, there were a few guys telling me what they wanted from me and the obligatory sex pictures, but now there were some genuine "hello, how are you" type messages, two even supposedly from other women. Over half of the new messages, whether they were automated responses or actual messages, all encouraged me to upload a picture of myself. Now, I had no inclination to really do so, but it certainly made me think about it. So I did what anyone else would do: I searched the internet for a picture to use instead. Eventually, I found a picture of a woman who looked a little like me--blonde hair, green eyes, similar frame, close to my age, etc. Alright, so she was younger and in better shape for certain and dressed in a tight shirt and jeans that I would never wear in public, at least not at my age, but I posted her picture as mine nonetheless, just to see what would happen.

Shortly after that, before I could do much more, I heard Jonathan pull into the garage. I shut the computer down and met him in the kitchen as he was coming in. We did the usual small talk about how each of our days had gone, the issues with work, office politics, and other totally unimportant things. We settled down for bed and as usual, I didn't sleep well. I drifted in and out of sleep as I seem to always do now, seeing myself in dream situations like Anastasia Steele, but with an unknown and sexy lover keeping me blindfolded and tied.

*****

I awoke the following morning having gotten some sleep, but still feeling groggy and tired. That's my norm now, so I've gotten used to it. A hot, soothing shower helped to wake me up. I walked into the kitchen, went to the coffee nook, and fixed a cup of coffee. I'm far from a coffee addict like most people, but I've been known to frequent a Starbucks or two from time to time. This morning, I made myself a cup using the coffee press, then settled down in front of my laptop again. By this time, Jonathan had been long gone to his office, so the house was mine and I was alone.

I started by catching up on the daily tasks and news, not so enthralled by the BDSM interest since it had been a few days now since my late--night movie. After reading the news and doing a bit of shopping, and catching a new article about skin care, my thoughts turned to the site where I had initially visited and signed up. I clicked there and entered my screen name and password. Wow, over 150 messages. I was shocked. However, when I started glancing through them, it was the same old thing. Men telling me what they wanted to do to me, some sending pictures of themselves in various stages of undress, touching themselves, some even ejaculating. Unlike before, some of these guys were actually kind of sexy. Again, a few were even from women, or at least they said they were, and some of these even had pictures. Many wanted to know more about me, where I was from, when we could meet, what I was looking for, etc.

While a little interesting, though, this wasn't what I was after. I wanted knowledge, not to meet up for an affair. I wanted to know about the BDSM experience, why it was so appealing to people, whether it was real or not, and what made it so all consuming. I wanted to know why it even had interest and existed at all. I thought about messaging some of the women and asking them about their experiences, but I couldn't be certain they were really women at all, and if I wasn't certain, I didn't know whether to trust their responses or not.

I looked again at the list of messages for something that looked interesting that might help in my search. That's when I noticed a title I hadn't before. The subject simply read, "I know what You are looking for." I clicked on it and the message was completely blank. Nothing else, no invitation to message back, no contact information, nothing. The screen name was also unrevealing, as it was a jumble of letters and numbers. This was unlike all the other messages I received, so I decided to reply, just to see what this meant. I messaged back something simple, thinking I would be a bit contrite, stating "Oh? And what is it that I am looking for?" I hit 'send.'

I started looking again through other messages, noticing a few more of the same style of messages that had arrived since I logged in, but realized they were slowing down in the number of new messages. After about ten or fifteen minutes of looking at those messages, I saw the response to my message pop up. I was surprised that it was answered that fast. There was only a one--word response... "Knowledge." Okay, this was weird, how could this person really know? I still couldn't tell anything about them, whether they were old or young, male or female, or even real at all and not an automated computer response. I played along though. I tapped out a quick response: "What knowledge might that be?" and sent it, still thinking that I would be a bit playful and coy.

I sat there just looking at the screen, waiting to see if a response would come back quickly, or if the first quick response was just coincidence. I wasn't let down as the response came back almost immediately, but it was equally as cryptic as the others from whoever this person might be. "Knowledge about things that You don't even realize You are seeking."

Great, I thought, this is getting nowhere fast. Just as I was thinking that I was going to drop this and not respond, or maybe just reply with another coy response, another message popped up. "Enough playing. I know you are thinking of a smart and evasive response. If you really want to know more, meet Me in a private chatroom. I'll secure it with a password so no one else can enter and we can speak candidly. If you are not there in five minutes, I will assume you are not who you appear to be."

Private chatroom in five minutes. Ok. Wait, what private chatroom? How do those work? Where are they? I looked at the menus and saw a spot for chatrooms, so I clicked there. A list of public chatrooms came up, with all kinds of titles, from lesbian to gay, hardcore bondage to extreme fetishes. I made a mental note to come back and take a look at these more in depth later. I clicked an option listed "private chat" and saw another list pop up with about twenty various names. Which room? The message didn't say. I looked through the list and towards the bottom there was a room named "Seeking...". Could that be it? I tried that and it asked for a password. Damn, whoever they were didn't give a password in their message either. I thought for a second before it came to me and I typed in "knowledge." The window to the chat room opened.

"You made it." The message appeared on my screen.

"I did. Who are you?" I replied.

"I'm someone who can help you, lisa. To start, I'm male, Caucasian, 44 years old. I tell you this so you know with who you are speaking."

"Ok," I replied, not knowing really what else to say.

"The word 'Ok' is not an acceptable response, but I'll let that go for now, as I understand you are new and still learning, and we don't have a formal relationship yet. I can give you the knowledge you seek. I can open your eyes to things you have never even dreamt of, if you are willing to be open about yourself and what you seek."

I again didn't know what to say, so I hurriedly avoided responding directly. "What's your name?" was my response.

His response did not come back immediately, so I wondered if he had left or lost interest. Finally, I saw the symbol that said he was typing something. "Is that really the question you want to ask, lisa?" No, it wasn't, and he knew it. He continued. "My name isn't important. I could tell you anything regarding my name and you'd have no idea if I was telling the truth or not, so for now, I'll tell you nothing. Over time, if our relationship grows, you will learn my name, and you may even learn to call me by many different names or titles. Now, ask me what you really want to know."

"How do you know what I seek? How did you know I was after knowledge of what BDSM was like?" I asked bluntly.

"Your profile actually," was his response. "There are tens of thousands of people on this site, and hundreds of thousands if not millions across the country on these kinds of websites, but there are really only a few different types of profiles. Most people who come here are just online to look at other's nude photos or to engage in cyber role play. These people are not really serious about anything and just want to come online for a quick sexual thrill. Then there are those people that seek illegal activity, and even others that prey on other people, financially or for other, more criminal purposes. I avoid all those. However, on a rare occasion, I come across a profile with genuine interest. I investigate those. That is why I am talking to you now, since you seem to be exploring the submissive path. However, let me ask you a question. Are you the genuine person you say you are in your profile, lisa?"