Finding the Kinkyqueer Me!

Author's note:

Finding the Kinkyqueer me that I always knew was there

This piece is not a story. I will be 'storifying' my thoughts here at a later date, so you'll have to wait a little if you prefer your Literotica with plot, characters, and action. Instead, this is my effort to understand what has been going on inside me - in particular how I have recently allowed myself to be the kinky person I always knew I was. But the problem is that once I admit this, I'm having to ask the difficult question of what my kinks actually do with me - what I'm coming to call my kinkyqueer-ness! I hope you find that this resonates for you in some ways. Thanks for looking at it!

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At the age of 56, I have come to the realisation that I am not vanilla. You might say I should have known this before. Well, yes I did. Its not a discovery, I'm the same person I was before, with the same likes, dislikes, and kinks. It's just now I've accepted those kinks are there. I've given myself permission to feel them and not feel guilty. I've set myself on a path to explore them as best I can.

This started with my acceptance that I'm a fantasy cumslut (as I'm also writing about). I love to eat my own cum, and fantasise about giving cum-licking and swallowing blowjobs. This was my gateway realisation to embracing me the kinky explorer. It opened a door in my sexuality that I don't want to close.

I realise now that I have had a problem with sex all my life. When it's been good, it's been very good. But I've been married twice, and both women have had what I'd call traditional ideas about gender roles. That is, men should initiate and be in control, and women should be more receiving. That's fine at times, and with my second wife she could do more than that sometimes, but only sometimes. I think she is as confused about her own sexuality as I have been. Sadly our marriage didn't survive this, and I am now separated and single. But I'm not sad to be on my own, its been a welcome awakening!

The pathetic thing is that a large part of my sexuality is submissive. It's not really pathetic, I love the feeling! I have struggled with sex because that desire to submit has been there so long and I didn't even realise it, there was no one to tell me I had this problem with what was expected of me. I just thought I was not living up to the vanilla expectations of me. I was not 'being the man', even if my cock still got hard and I came as I should.

I have been very lucky to talk with some online mistresses over the last few weeks. The mistresses were perhaps not so lucky, having to put up with my lack of knowledge, my newbie questions and naivete, and the sheer bloody awkwardness of my quirky sub kinkyness which is not straightforward. The big thing I learnt very quickly is the effect of a powerful woman inside me - again something I've known deep down but never acknowledged - some women can simply destroy me with a look. I absolutely love that feeling and will do anything to make them happy. I will worship them, serve them, love them, and seek to give them pleasure. If they are themselves kinky doms, then I get turned on simply knowing and feeling the pleasure they are getting from their power over me. This dynamic power play is so highly charged, it takes very little to send me into overload.

I am still working my way along this beautiful road, and these mistresses have greatly helped me explore some of the weird contours of my kinks. I love this power dynamic, but much of the usual culture and practice of BDSM leaves me cold. I like the idea of power play, particularly role play and I yearn to find a mistress or dom who can do this in a way that works for me. But the gear and materials of BDSM are not for me, I find leather OK at best and often just too much. A dom gently ordering me (or even just asking!) would work far better than a collar, chastity cage, or mask. When mistresses tell me I need to 'get the toys' I just wonder why, the toys I want to use are in our heads, not to be bought online.

I describe my kinks to myself in this way: I prefer BD to SM, I'm on that end of the BDSM spectrum. I see the point of using pain in a kinky relationship, but I have my limits. Pain is there as a turn on, but how far my limits go haven't been tested. The mere thought of CBT just fills me with dread and fear. The phrase I like to use is 'soft', that is, soft materials (cotton, silk, and lace) rather than the hardness of leather, plastic, and metal. The soft domination of words and the mind, not forced domination through collars, dungeons, and torture. The soft power of two minds and wills colliding and playing is what really turns me on, a woman who can control me completely through her sheer power alone, without the obvious props (or cliches) of domination. I know, I'm picky, I expect a lot - but that is part of my kinkyness. And it gets worse!

This sub part of me is perhaps the most basic, the most simple part of me - the most easy to please: I want to be used and fucked by a powerful, dominant woman. I want her to take her pleasure from me. I want to give her pleasure and to worship her, that is how I will find my pleasure. I want to lick and kiss her feet, her legs, her thighs. I want to worship her pussy and taste her divine powerful juices. I want her to make me do this, by sitting on my face and grinding herself into me. I want to help her cum in whatever way makes her feel best. Her pleasure will be the root of my pleasure.

But this is not all of me. I am not only in it to serve, my kink is also to play the power and resist. I am an awkward sub, a real pain in the ass (and I'm not just talking of pegging here!). I think every mistress I've talked to has ended up in despair or frustration. I love to submit and worship, but I also challenge. I will follow rules and obey, together with also breaking those rules and stating my own terms. To this extent I'm a brat, but I don't challenge just to be disciplined - I challenge because I can. It's a win-win: when I challenge my dom may assert her power and overwhelm me, which will make me so happy inside. But if she accepts my resistance and backs down then I also win, it gives me the thrill of power over her. The power of submission is not one way, I just love the feeling of playing it back. I think this is where role play is going to be such a wild experience for me when I have the chance!

It gets even more complicated, however, because I know there is another side to me. I love my sub nature and want to worship the pussy power of my Goddess. But I also have a dom in me that wants to express himself (or perhaps it's an genderqueer themself?). As well as submission I fantasise about control, of authority - of putting a woman over my knee and gently giving her the thrill of a spanking for her naughtiness. Of tying her down and playing out her fantasies on her, of shoving my cock in her mouth, or eating her out when she's under my power, or fucking her when she's unable to resist. I still do this with the desire to please, to get my pleasure from her pleasure and to feel the strength of fulfilment from her cumming for me. But this is not the vanilla sex of 'being the man' I'm expected to be, it's a quite particular horny kink on my kinks, a part of the bigger me.

These two parts - the sub and the dom exist in me quite happily together and come out in their own ways, perhaps with context and person. I am a pleaser, so perhaps I respond to the particular need of the partner - giving them whatever side of me they would prefer. I think I have been doing this all my life without knowing and without my partners also knowing what it was they were wanting. As I look back with the knowledge I have now I wish I could have talked more to them about this, to explore with them their own buried and rejected kinks. Perhaps I would still be married if I'd been able to do this?

But I know it's essential for me to be aware of my kinks and how they work, and how they match and feed into my partner's own kinks, and if I don't do this and play out that power with them the sex will always be too vanilla for me. I may be a switch, or a brat, or a part time dom - I don't know and I don't care about the label.

I just know I'm kinky, and my kinkyness is kinky in itself. I like to call this kinkyqueer and I've got the rest of my life to find all the kinks that still remain buried: how the contours of my kinkyqueerness can work for me and my lovers.