Finding What's Real

"Are you coming or are you going to stand there all night? Wicked nightshirt by the way. I'm starting to notice a pattern."

"These are alpacas, not llamas."

He looked at her over his glasses. "Did I say they were llamas?"

"You were thinking it. Try to deny it."

He kneeled up on the bed. "You think you know what I'm thinking, huh?" He looked at her with challenge in his eyes.

"I thought you were going to be a perfect gentleman tonight." She raised her left eyebrow and smirked.

"Watch it, Spice."

"Or what? You'll tickle me to death?"

"Holy shit, you really did know what I was thinking!"

"Oh no. No, no, no. No more tickling. I'm not nine anymore."

He cracked his knuckles and smiled mischievously. She tried to back away, but there was nowhere to go. He crooked a finger at her and she shook her head vehemently. He left the bed and came towards her. She whipped around—to go where, she had no idea—and heard a whap.

"Ow! You didn't tell me you came with a weapon."

She turned to see Vinnie with a hand to his red cheek and realized that she'd whipped the side of his face with her braid. A giggle slipped out and she grabbed her braid to twirl it around threateningly. Suddenly, he was behind her and then she was face down on one of the beds.

How the hell..."What Houdini shit was that?"

"That was my secret weapon." He straddled her waist and reached back for one of her feet.

"You really don't want to do that."

"Don't tell me what I want to do." He tickled her right foot and she kicked out with everything she had, but it didn't work. She tried to throw herself sideways and managed to dislodge him for a moment before he dove back in, this time to her ribs. She started laughing and trying to fight back when it happened. She farted. Loudly.

"Why, Kira, I didn't know you had it in you!"

She laughed harder, which only made her continue to fart. In time with her laughs. By this time, Vinnie was laughing uncontrollably and holding his nose.

"My...secret..." breathless laugh...fart..."weapon...wins!"

"I bow to you, my queen. You win the first annual secret weapon contest."

They both lay there catching their breath when a new movie started on the TV.

"Evolution!"

"You know, I actually haven't seen this." Vinnie repositioned himself to sit against the headboard and patted the place beside him once more. This time, she followed.

"I would normally say that this type of movie was too silly for my tastes, but something about it just works for me." She sat crisscross with a pillow in her lap and her shoulder pressed against his.

"I can't believe all of these people are in this and I haven't seen it!"

"Shh! You'll miss something." She couldn't resist being obnoxious.

As the movie played, she ended up fully snuggling into Vinnie's warm side with his hand playing idly with her braid. "I love this part." They were at the mall scene and trying to attract the aliens. Ca-Caw! Ca-Caw! Ca-Caw! Ah Ah Ee Ee Tookie Tookie! Tookie Tookie! Ca-Caw Ca-ca-caw-ca-caw-caw-caw! Ca-ca-caw! She couldn't help but join in. "Wayne, I think we've established that Ca-Caw Ca-Caw, and Tookie Tookie, DON'T WORK!"

She felt Vinnie's chest shake as he laughed, and her hair tightened as he wound the braid around his hand. She turned her face farther into his chest and breathed in his scent. She started to drift off not long after.

*****

Vinnie felt the moment that Kira dropped off into sleep. He scooched down into a more comfortable position on the bed and gently moved her so that she remained tucked into his side. This whole day had been some of the most fun he'd ever had, and a big part of that had been spent just sitting beside her dozy cuteness in the car. He wasn't sure that he ever wanted to hang out with anyone other than Kira again. Okay, drifting into irrational territory again, he gently scolded himself.

He stayed awake for the rest of the movie which was surprisingly excellent. He was shocked that Kira didn't wake up with the way his laughs were shaking her body. He turned off the TV and shut his eyes. If this was the only time he'd get to hold her like this, he was going to enjoy it.

Chapter 9

Kira woke feeling hot. The blanket was way too heavy, and she was even sweaty. She normally only slept with a light blanket because she ran on the warm side during sleep. As she tried to move the blanket, she became aware of where she was, and that Vinnie was sprawled nearly on top of her. "S'hot Vin. Move."

He moved all right. He moved his morning erection right into her hip. She fought the urge to grind back against it.

"Mmm...s'good baby."

"Vinnie. Wake. Up."

No such luck. Fine. She forced her way out from under him, gave his rigid dick a stroke for good measure—holy mother of god, he felt good, then took a firm hold of his balls through his boxers. Aaand...success! His eyes popped open and his hand came down to clamp around her wrist.

"If you wanted my balls, baby, all you had to do was ask," he mumbled.

She snorted and tickled behind his balls. He hissed and flew backward hard enough that he rolled right off the side of the bed.

"Ow."

His head appeared, his face adorably annoyed.

"I'll have to admit, I imagined the first time you touched me going a little differently."

"Lesson one, if this is going to go anywhere."

She heard him gasp and saw his mouth forming into a smile.

"Do not assume I am like anyone you've ever been with or set any expectations for how I am. I'll try to do the same. Admittedly, that's been an issue for me in the past—as in, I've set unreasonable expectations for others—and it can never end well."

Vinnie nodded vigorously, still on the floor.

"Lesson two. We communicate about everything. I've read enough romance novels to learn to hate 'The Big Misunderstanding.'"

Vinnie smirked and crawled onto the bed to stalk towards her on all fours. It was only a queen-sized bed, so there wasn't far to go.

"Hold it right there. I've been hurt badly before and I wear a mask to protect myself. That mask has already come off with you and I'm especially vulnerable right now. DO NOT fuck with me, Vinnie."

*****

Vinnie had already learned that his Spice didn't drop the f-bomb often and he knew she meant business. "Can I speak now?"

"Go ahead." She crossed her arms over her chest defensively.

"I understand, and I agree to your terms if you'll agree to mine."

She raised an eyebrow and he reached over to put his glasses on so that he could focus on looking into her eyes.

"I know I look like I have it all together all the time, but I don't. We have some talking to do today and I'll lay it all out there. But I promise to take good care of you, physically and emotionally, if you'll do the same for me." He tried to choke back tears, but a few escaped. "I don't know where this will go or how far it can go, but regardless, I don't want to ever lose you again."

Her eyes had softened, and she seemed to realize that she wasn't the only one with her heart at stake. She leaned towards him and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

"Deal."

"Now, since I had to wake up to your hand on me and this thing," he pointed to his cock that was still tenting his boxers—apparently, it didn't care if he got emotional, "the only way it's going down is if I rub one out. I'm stealing the first shower."

"No."

"Well fine, if you want the first shower that badly..."

"I don't care about the shower. This," she gave him another good stroke, the heat from her hand seeping through the fabric, "is mine. You can wait until tonight for relief." She leaned down and kissed it through his boxers for good measure...and good torture.

He whimpered, and his hips flexed involuntarily. "A little dominant, are we?"

"Not normally, no. Let's just say, you bring it out in me." She gave him a devilish smile that simultaneously turned him on even more and terrified him a little bit. That was not a look he'd ever imagined on her face.

"Mmkay," he whimpered. He stayed frozen, afraid that if he moved, the stimulation against his dick from his boxers would make him blow. She raised her sexy eyebrow at him again and he forced himself to stiffly move off the bed and into the bathroom. He gently pulled his boxers away from his body, the tip of his cock sticking slightly from the copious pre-cum he'd produced. Well, this is new. He didn't normally pre-cum unless his prostate was being stimulated. Looks like Spice has some magical powers.

He removed his tee and started the shower, not even bothering to try to make it cold. Cold water wouldn't be enough to ease this ache, so why torture himself? The best course of action would be to try to forget it existed, and then maybe it would go away on its own. He washed quickly, not lingering anywhere, brushed his teeth while he was in there, and turned the water off before grabbing his towel. He looked in the mirror and decided against shaving, then ran a light gel through his hair. Wrapping the towel around his waist, he strode confidently back into the room. Once again, there was no hiding the tenting of the towel, so he didn't try. Spice knew what she was doing to him.

He smelled her unique arousal again and narrowed his eyes at her. She blinked at him innocently. He repaid her by dropping the towel and turning around, bending over to retrieve clothes from his suitcase. That put everything on display. He was surprised when he felt her move behind him and, "Dammit, Spice!" smack his ass. Hard.

She snickered as she walked into the bathroom and he heard the shower turn on once more. She did say to expect the unexpected.

*****

"So, you ready to drive, Marge?" Spice had pulled her hair up into a sexy bun on top of her head, but she had a lot of hair, so the look was not unlike the infamous blue-haired beehive.

"Yeah, baby. At the risk of sounding completely cliché, I can't wait to have this much power between my legs. Err...under my legs? Under my butt?" She sighed and looked playfully defeated. "See, this wasn't even a witticism and I still failed."

He couldn't resist pulling her into a kiss, darting his tongue gently into her mouth. She gasped and kissed back with more aggression. Damn. He growled and nipped at her bottom lip and her nails dug into his sides in response. This may have been a mistake to start in the parking lot. He had successfully forgotten about his dick for a whole five minutes and there was no chance of that happening again for the next little while.

She ended the kiss and pulled away. "So, where are we headed today?"

"San Antonio. I thought we'd check out the River Walk and it's a good stopping point for the day."

"Very cool. I've always wanted to check that out."

"I have to say, Spice, from what you told me, I'm shocked you know what it is."

Instead of being playfully offended, she smiled and nodded. "I know, right?! Come on, I could totally use one of those Vanilla Strawberry protein smoothies from the smoothie shop we saw down the street. We never got dinner last night and I'm starved."

"Oh my God, I didn't feed you!" He was horrified. He was supposed to be taking care of her.

"Vinnie, I'm a big girl—in more ways than one. I think I can speak up if I'm starving. Honestly, I was having so much fun last night that food didn't cross my mind. I'm going to call it a win. There's not much that can make me forget about eating."

Vinnie frowned, starting to get angry at the way she was talking.

Kira huffed out a sigh. "Dude, lighten up. I'm being a realist, not disparaging myself. Now can we go? I'm hungry."

"Okay, okay, I get it." He unlocked the doors and opened the driver's side for her and she slid in. He walked around to the passenger side and chuckled when she kept having to move the driver seat closer and closer...and closer to the steering wheel.

"Dammit, I have to be able to put the clutch to the floor and my boobs are going to be smashed against the steering wheel." She moved the seat backward, then moved the seat back up, then adjusted the steering wheel, and finally, she seemed to be comfortable. He was laughing by the end of the charade.

She gave him the look. You try being this short with boobs this big. Unloading the washing machine is a production for me. One day, I almost got stuck in there with both feet off the floor."

He snorted. "I'd suggest you get a front-loader, but I'm enjoying that image too much."

She started the car and revved the engine. "You'd better be nice to me." She waggled her eyebrows. "I hold your life in my hands. Mwah-ha-ha-ha." Her evil laugh was pretty impressive.

He gulped and buckled his seatbelt.

After getting their smoothies, they rode in companionable silence for a little while, save for the Callum Scott album playing softly in the background. He loved this album. Hearing him sing 'Dancing on My Own' almost always brought tears to his eyes.

Vinnie cleared his throat. "I think now would be a good time to talk."

She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "Okay, can we start with what happened to us?"

"Yeah. I need to explain what was happening to me back then. My senior year of high school, right after I turned 18, I started feeling funny...mentally, that is. I was getting depressed, then I'd have days where I'd almost be in such a great mood that I felt like I was flying."

"I remember that. I was always so happy that you seemed so happy, but it always seemed a little...extreme, maybe? And then you'd get sad or angry."

"Yeah, that's a good description. Then, I was horny all the time. I thought that it was just normal guy hormones, but I was long past puberty. I was masturbating about five times a day and still wanted to fuck anything that moved. I'd started noticing guys along with the girls and started experimenting. I was always safe, thank god, but there was a lot of sex happening.

"Then, I started spending money. A lot of it. I couldn't seem to help myself. I was obsessive about things to the extreme, and any time mom or one of my friends would bring it up, I'd get so angry." His voice trembled.

They'd made it to the interstate, so Kira turned on the cruise control and reached over to wind Vinnie's fingers with hers, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. "Go on, you know I'd never judge you."

He squeezed back and kissed the back of her hand. "The only time I felt calm was with you. But then..."

Kira felt a tear hit the back of her hand. "But then what, Vinnie?" she asked softly.

"But then I was afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing around you and all of my feelings about everything were just so big, and I was so fucking angry. I tried so hard not to let you see how messed up I was because I wanted to protect you. You didn't need to be exposed to that." Vinnie opened the glove box and laughed weekly when he pulled out a pocket-pack of tissues. "Leave it to Ang to think of everything, huh?"

Kira gave him a tiny grin and wiped an errant tear from her cheek.

Vinnie blew out a breath. "That night, Christmas Eve, I was angry. Christmas had always been my favorite time of year, and that year, all I could think about was keeping myself from getting too close to you. So, I lashed out. I felt when I hurt you and it ripped me open, but pushing you away was the only thing I could do because, in my mind, there was no middle ground. It was all or nothing."

Kira's lip was trembling, so she took the next exit and pulled into the relatively empty side lot of a gas station. She turned in her seat to face him. "Go on. Let it all out so that you can let it go." She reached over to gently massage his nape and he turned to place a kiss on the pulse point on her wrist.

"You know that we were never the same, and I hated myself for that for a long time. I started college and threw myself into that. I found out that sometimes, being so obsessive was a good thing. It meant that I got really good at whatever I put my mind to. Unfortunately, I was still hyper-sexual, I was still spending too much money, and I would still enter depressions that lasted for days at a time."

"That's the thing about depression..." Kira began. "Sometimes, it's too easy to stay there in the darkness. Staying there takes no effort. Coming out means facing things you don't want to face, and the prospect is..."

"Terrifying," they said in unison.

"I signed up for this psych class. I don't know why I never went to talk to anyone about what I was going through. You know how it is at that age...you think you know everything. Mom suggested counseling, but I thought that meant I was crazy and I was still rebelling."

Kira nodded in understanding.

"So anyway, I took this psych class and we started studying Bipolar disorder. I was thinking that it sounded a bit like what I was going through, but I wasn't having hallucinations or anything like that. I remember this one girl in class...She said she had it. Her parents' names were Mary and Joseph, and she said that when she was a kid, she genuinely thought she was Jesus."

Kira's eyes widened.

"I know, right? I knew I wasn't at that level. Until we started talking about Bipolar II, or Bipolar depression. I seemed to check off almost every single box. Depression, occasional mania, overspending, obsessiveness, hyper-sexuality. It was all. Me.

"After that, I finally went to see a psychiatrist. It took about a year to get the meds right. That sucked. Sometimes, they made the depression worse. Sometimes, I couldn't sleep. Sometimes, I couldn't get it up at all, which, hello, virile 19-year-old. I kind of needed a working dick.

"Finally, though, we got it right. I still find myself obsessing about things sometimes. I constantly have to ask myself if what I'm feeling is rational, or if I'm experiencing a symptom of my illness. Sometimes I feel myself becoming manic and I can rein myself in. Sometimes, I'm not so lucky. Some days, all I want to do is cry. I want to crawl under my covers so that no one sees me and just cry."

Kira continued for him. "And then you feel shame for crying over nothing. You feel shame for being out of control. You feel ashamed of just existing and you just want the whole fucking world to disappear and leave you alone." Kira sobbed and gripped Vinnie's hand. Did someone else get it?

Vinnie looked at her in bewilderment. "And you feel like no one sees you. They only see this version of you that..."

Kira took over, speaking rapidly. "...you show the world because you can't show anyone what lurks underneath and it..."

"...feels so..."

"Ugly," they both finished.

"You, too?" Vinnie whispered.

Kira shrugged. "Not completely the same thing, but depression and anxiety for sure. I went through the med cocktail experiment period, too. Nothing will ever be perfect. It's not that I'm unhappy in life, but I feel like no one sees me. But I'm afraid to show anyone the real me, so how can they see me anyway? And sometimes I feel so confident and outgoing, but when I go to show it, it's like a weighted blanket is thrown on top of me and I can't breathe."

They had both regained their composure, so Kira restarted the car and navigated back onto the interstate. "I have to be honest, you broke me that night."

"I'm sor..."

"No, don't apologize. I understand now. I was selfish to make it all about me."

"Baby, you were 14. All teenage girls think it's all about them."

"You know, that's so true? Anyway, I never told Angie what happened, but she couldn't miss that suddenly, we weren't close anymore. She tried to make up for it by doing non-glittery things with me, and I loved her for it. For all her drama, she's pretty damn spectacular. Actually, I had a crush on her for a while."

"First of all, gross—I just had to put that out there—but in all seriousness, you had the sexuality crisis, too?"