Finding What's Real

"I wouldn't call it a crisis. I think I always knew that I'd be open to experimentation. That was something else I kept from her. The rest of high school was okay. I lost my virginity early and started to realize that I wasn't like most girls. I wanted things most girls at that age didn't. I did experiment a bit in college, but never as much as I wanted to. I stayed away from the parties, because crowds, and I knew better than to drink with my meds.

"After college, the guys that I was with...I guess they were too vanilla or they were just uncomfortable with me in general. I've been called a whore and a freak, dirty, disgusting...you name it." She swallowed back the nausea that came with thinking about it. "So, I just...stopped. I stopped trying to experiment, stopped being with anyone really. I threw myself into my job, which I do enjoy most days, and started living through books. Sounds super healthy, huh?"

"Can we pause for a few minutes so that I can rage internally and not ask you for the names of those people that were so cruel?" Vinnie spoke through clenched teeth and his body was strung as taut as a piano wire.

"Sure, Vinnie. I'm okay, you know."

He nodded stiffly.

"God Vinnie." Kira's voice shook. "It's been so long since I've felt like someone would understand me and my life. I know this is abrupt, but do you know one of the things I hate most in the world?"

"What's that, beautiful?"

"How are you?"

"Say what now?"

"The question 'how are you' that seems to be a requirement of living in America. No one really means it, for one. They don't want the real answer. They just want to feel like they can check politeness off their mental checklists, or they're so afraid that if they don't ask, you'll think they're rude.

"Then the people that do mean it, like family, can't handle the real answer. If you tell them that you feel worthless, or that you're just a robot, or you're depressed, or anything other than hunky dory, they feel like they have to give you a solution. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate that. When someone I love tells me something is wrong, I immediately look for solutions, too. The problem is how I interpret their solutions. I hear them as criticism. My mom will always tell me to get more exercise and ask if I've taken my meds—that one makes me want to freaking strangle someone—and my dad asks if I've been to church and if I'm getting enough fresh air and if I've prayed about it."

"Sometimes, you just need someone to say, 'That sucks, I'm here, and I see you.'"

Kira felt like she would cry again. "YES. That's what I want. I want to know that someone sees ME, loves me, and appreciates me for ME. I adore Angie, but she just doesn't understand, so I stopped trying to explain. I've been wearing the same happy mask with her that I do with everyone else. Or maybe she would understand. Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit. Or, maybe I just stopped trying a long time ago." And here came the shame again, creeping up through her heart and wrapping around her with its stinging tentacles. She was consumed with the feeling of never doing enough, never being enough. "I feel so selfish, you know? I don't even bother giving people the real me anymore. How can I expect anyone to see me if I don't give them the chance?"

"You know, I've never thought of it that way. I think we avoid trying to let our real selves be seen because that leaves us vulnerable, and we're already so vulnerable to our fucked-up minds that it doesn't leave much room for anything else."

Kira didn't miss how Vinnie changed to using 'we'. She kind of loved him for that. "You do get it," she said softly.

"I do get it. I'm just sorry that we haven't been there for each other."

"Maybe it just wasn't the right time."

"I so hope now is the right time, Spice." His voice was laced with gravel and was filled with a mix of lust and emotion. "Pull off at the next exit."

Perfect timing. She veered off to the right, quickly locating a nearby Chick-fil-A and pulling into the parking lot.

Vinnie was out of the car and opening her door before she had the car turned off. He knelt on the pavement, turned her body until she was facing him, wrapped his arms around her waist, and dove into a kiss. "God, you're so perfect for me," he mumbled against her mouth before intensifying the kiss.

She felt his groan as he licked into her mouth and she tangled her fingers into his hair and pulled. He responded by attempting to pull her closer and whimpering. She was so aroused from this single kiss that her clit was throbbing and she could feel the wetness of her panties. Holy shit. "Vinnie." Kiss. "Vinnie, in public."

"We're on an end, by a wall. If anyone is being that nosy, it's their damn fault. You just...It's just...You..." Vinnie whispered and then groaned, seemingly unable to finish his thought. He latched onto her neck, scraping his teeth across one of her most sensitive erogenous zones under her ear. Her hips bucked, and she elbowed the car horn, alerting the entire parking lot to her arousal. Oops.

He buried his face in her neck and laughed.

*****

He'd kissed a lot of lips. Tasted a lot of mouths. Never had a kiss felt like this. Her kiss felt as good as a full-on orgasm with other partners. It was lightheaded, toe-curling bliss. He panted into her neck as he tried to catch his breath. When she started to giggle, he realized he was tickling her throat with his breath. It was then that something clicked in his mind. Laughter. His Spice brought him laughter.

He nuzzled her nose and pressed his lips together to keep himself from blurting out that he was in love with her. Luckily, his stomach growled out loud and saved him. "Please tell me you like Chick-fil-A. This might be over before it begins otherwise."

"It's the only fast food I eat, and I have it about twice a year. Now get off me so we can get in line or we'll be here all day." She winked. It was lunchtime on a weekday, after all.

He took her hand and pulled her out of the car, giving her ass a smack for good measure. She made an eep sound and he prepared himself for the look. Instead, what he got was a dark, sexy eyebrow raise.

"Don't start something you can't finish, Vincenzo Rafaelo."

Whoa. Did that voice just come out of his Spice? That voice was sexy Domme incarnate. He gulped and lowered his eyes respectfully. "Yes, Spice," he responded in complete seriousness.

He heard her quick intake of breath before she answered in a strangled voice. "Food. We need food."

He followed her into the busy restaurant and joined the line.

"I um, I need to use the restroom. Will you order for me?" Her voice was timid all of a sudden and she was blushing and staring at the ground.

"Sure? Are you okay, babe?"

"Yeah, I'll, uh, tell you in a minute." She gave him her order and darted away to the restroom.

In true CfA fashion, the line moved quickly and ended with a 'My Pleasure' from the cashier. He used to enjoy that until he realized that they were trained to say it. Now it was just trite and annoying. Give him a genuine 'thanks' and smile any day over a script. He located a table by the window and divvied up their food.

Kira found him and sat down across from him, immediately digging into her waffle fries. She moaned and rolled her eyes back into her head. "Mmm...waffle fries...," she said in a spectacular imitation of Homer Simpson.

He nudged her foot under the table. "Behave, Spice. There are impressionable children here. And a horny hunk."

She answered by sticking her tongue out at him in a brilliant display of maturity. He loved it.

"So, what were you going to tell me?"

She blushed again and busied herself with adding light mayo to her deluxe chicken sandwich. "I, um, hate ordering in restaurants," she said in a rush. "It's better now that mobile ordering is a thing, but not everyone offers it and I didn't think to check here. It's not that I can't do it. Of course, I can. I just don't like doing it. It's not so bad if I'm at a table, but in a line, I feel like I'm the center of attention and everyone is waiting on me and I start to panic. Then, if I'm splurging and I order fries or something unhealthy, I'm thinking that everyone thinks the fat girl shouldn't be ordering fries. Or, if I'm ordering something healthy, I'm thinking that everyone thinks that the fat girl must be on a diet. Stupid, huh? It seems so self-absorbed. I mean, here I am, thinking that anyone who doesn't know me from Adam is giving me or my food order a single thought. I'm probably drawing more attention to myself with how uncomfortable I am."

"Probably." He shrugged. "The fact that you're so aware of your psychology is pretty awesome, though. Most people don't have near the self-awareness. They figure they are what they are, and the world needs to adapt."

"Thank you for not spouting empty platitudes or trying to comfort me. Sometimes, shit just is what it is, you know?"

"That I do, Beautiful." There was that blush again. He liked it when he put it there. "You have to promise to do the same for me. Not give me the sympathetic song and dance."

She nodded in agreement and took a big bite of her sandwich, not bothering to hold back her moan.

He adjusted his dick under the table. It had gone down for a while during their cathartic conversation in the car, but it was back with a vengeance. Time to bring some levity back into their conversation. "So, what do you do for fun at home?"

"Read, mostly."

"That's right." As if he'd forgotten. He'd gotten a peek at some of her history on Goodreads. Dull it was not. "What do you like to read the most? I've seen some of it," he waggled his eyebrows obnoxiously, "but not that much."

"I love thrillers, mysteries, and romances, but my favorites are the erotic romances that are as heavy on the plot as they are on sex, and they aren't afraid to push boundaries beyond what the average reader would be comfortable with. Just a sexy book doesn't interest me. If I can't connect with the characters or I can't feel the characters' connections with each other, it's not enjoyable for me." She munched on another fry. "And no, I don't read one-handed. I have porn for that. If you're very good, I'll let you look at the internet bookmarks on my phone later." It was her turn to waggle her eyebrows obnoxiously.

"Dammit, woman!" He didn't want to resort to thinking of naked Angie, but he was almost out of his anti-hard-on mental playbook.

"I also really enjoy male/male gay romance, especially if someone is exploring his sexuality for the first time. My favorite, though, is when you have a polyamorous, bisexual triad with BDSM and maybe some Daddy kink thrown in."

Vinnie dropped the nugget he was about to bite into. "Are you trying to shock me?"

Kira blinked innocently. "I thought you were cyber stalking me?"

"Not closely enough, apparently!"

Suddenly, Kira's body language changed. She seemed to close in on herself and all the color drained from her face. Worst of all, the confidence she'd been showing through their conversation seemed to have disappeared.

Vinnie tilted his head and studied her. "What happened there? Where'd you go?"

"I've already freaked you out, haven't I?" No eye contact and meek whisper.

Oh, his poor baby. "Spice, look at me."

She didn't look up. He would bet money that she was holding back tears and wanted to crawl under the table and hide.

"Your head is trying to nudge its way in and take over, isn't it? Wait...that sounded vaguely dirty."

She snickered and glanced up in gratitude.

"You surprised me in a good way. Wanna hear what my favorite series is?"

She nodded and resumed eating.

"The Deviations series by Chris Owen & Jodi Payne." Deviations was a romantic, erotic, BDSM series about three amazing, flawed men who find love and balance with each other.

Her eyes widened. "Me too! I've read them at least five times each. There's something about their connection that really works. Normally, I'm not a big fan of reading about the same set of characters in a sequel or more if the first book ended well, but I could read about Tobias, Noah, and Phan forever."

"I have a feeling we'll be able to spend many hours reading each other's favorite books and discussing them." He watched Kira's eyebrow go up. He loved that eyebrow. "Don't give me that look. I'm not letting you go ever again. I'm claiming you however I can have you, and I'm reserving many hours of your future time to discuss books." He finished his meal and gathered their trash on the tray. "Let's roll, cutie."

"Are you trying to see how many things you can call me before you run out?"

"I'll never run out of adjectives to describe you, Spice, so get used to it."

"I guess I have some catching up to do then, Oddball."

"Hey! All of my adjectives are sweet and loving." He tried hard to keep a straight face.

Kira snorted. "If you say so, Honey Bear."

They left the restaurant and made for the car.

"I do prefer my honey in a bear, not a jar..."

*****

"Dammit, Red, what the hell did you do to the car seat?"

Kira giggled as she watched Vinnie try to get into the car without moving the seat back first. She knew that was coming. "You did say I could drive. I know we went over this. Do you see how short my legs are? And how big these things are?" She pointed at her annoying boobs. "You try driving a stick with these proportions."

"Will not make sex joke...will not make sex joke..."

"I plan to drive the hell out of your stick later, so hurry up." She gave him a wicked grin.

"I'm going to have to gag you, aren't I?"

"Hmm...dear man, I do believe it will be you with the gag." These dominant urges she was having were new. In fact, she normally identified as submissive. This might be fun.

Vinnie gave her a hard stare with a funny expression on his face.

"Wait, is that supposed to be the look? Oh, honey child, only do that again if you're trying to make me laugh. Bless your sweet little ole' heart!"

Vinnie burst out laughing. "Ladies and gentlemen, Spice's rendition of Blanche Devereaux."

Kira couldn't help but giggle. That did sound very Blanche-like. Despite having grown up in the south, Kira had never developed a strong southern accent, unless she was talking to someone who had a particularly strong twang. Then it just kind of came out, uninvited. She buckled her seatbelt and Vinnie navigated them back out onto the interstate towards San Antonio.

Chapter 10

The Riverwalk had been fun and full of lots of heated looks and covert touching. By the time they reached the hotel, they were both walking at a rapid clip. This time, Kira took over keying the door open.

Kira pulled Vinnie into the room and shut the door. She stowed their bags against the wall and turned to him. "Why don't you go take a shower? It's been a long, hot day. I'll take one as soon as you're done."

Vinnie must have known that she had plans because he obeyed without any cheeky comments. Despite these dominant feelings being new, she was feeling uncharacteristically confident and she planned to roll with it.

After several minutes, she heard the shower turn off and Vinnie emerged, warm and damp and smelling like Irish Spring, with an obnoxiously tented towel around his waist. Poor guy. "Go lie on the bed, on your back. Put your arms above your head and close your eyes. I'll be out in a moment."

Once again, he obeyed without comment. Now, she started to get nervous. This was silly. He'd made it clear that he found her attractive. She took a deep breath and got into the shower, washing thoroughly everything except for her hair. There was no time for that mess right now. She turned the shower off, dried quickly, and opened the bathroom door.

"I'm coming out now." She peeked out to make sure that Vinnie had obeyed—he had—and walked over to put a knee up onto the bed. "Wow, Vinnie," she whispered. His body was perfection. His cock was an average length, just thick enough that she wouldn't be able to close her fingers around it completely, and it flared upwards slightly at the head, guaranteeing a g-spot massage. He was so aroused that it was pressed firmly against his stomach with a puddle of pre-cum stringing to his belly. She literally drooled.

"Can I please open my eyes now? Please?"

"Uh uh. Stay just like that with your eyes closed and your hands where they are. If you follow my orders, you can have one thing, anything that you want, and I'll let you come."

Vinnie groaned. "It's going to be like that, huh?" He squirmed a bit but kept his hands where they belonged. "Do I need a safeword?"

"I don't think you'll need one, but I'd rather not have any confusion. What is your safeword, Vincenzo?"

"God, I love when you say my name like that. Um, god, I can't think. Paprika."

"Paprika it is. May I ask why?"

"Dammit, Spice, why are you making me talk?"

"Keep it up and we'll have a whole damn conversation about the effects of pollution on today's educational system."

"What?!"

"Exactly. Paprika."

He huffed out an annoyed sigh. "Because it's a red spice, just like you. Except, no matter how much of it I use, it doesn't taste like anything, so it's completely uninteresting. Can we stop talking now?"

Instead of answering, Kira licked up his pre-cum and then dropped her mouth over Vinnie's dick and rubbed her tongue along the underside. Vinnie howled, and his back arched off the bed. He twitched in her mouth and fed her another spurt of pre-cum. Delicious. She took him as far into her mouth as she could before moving back up and rapidly swirling her tongue in the sensitive place behind the head. He trembled and mewled and then she felt his fingers in her hair. She stopped everything and pulled away.

"Uh, uh, uh...no touchies."

Vinnie was panting and keening, but at least had kept his eyes closed like a good boy. "Hair...please..."

"You want my hair? I guess that hair fetishist comment came from somewhere, huh?" Kira pulled her hair over one shoulder and trailed it over Vinnie's groin, making more pre-cum dribble out. She leaned over to lick it up—mmm, one day, she'd kneel before him and worship his cock for at least an hour— then wrapped her hair around his shaft and gave it a few firm tugs.

Vinnie's hips thrust into her hand, seemingly loving the friction that her hair provided. "Please, please, please. Making me come."

Kira pulled away and stopped touching him. "Let's give that a break for a while, then."

Vinnie groaned and thrust into the air. His cock was a dark, ruddy color and looked as if it was ready to explode. She had to bite her lip to avoid taking it back into her mouth. Sucking cock was one of her favorite things in the world.

Making sure to keep her hair touching his skin at all times, she moved up to his clean, left armpit and buried her face there, inhaling deeply and pulling gently on the hairs with her teeth.

"Fuck, Spice! No woman's ever..."

She shut him up by kissing him deeply. She hadn't tried this in years. The last person she thought she could let go with told her she was a freak. Most women were too squicked out by the thought of their faces anywhere near an armpit, no matter how clean they were. It was actually a lesser-known erogenous zone that drove some people wild.

She reached between her legs and found that she was dripping, literally, down her thighs. She ran a finger through her juices and brought it up to Vinnie's lips so they could share her flavor as well. As soon as Vinnie realized what he was tasting, his back surged off the bed and she had to forcefully push him back down.

"More, please, please, please."

"Hmm, not this time. I'll let you feel it though." She evilly straddled his hips and ground her pussy onto his cock, humping it with her clit. She cried out at how sensitive she was and had to force herself to stop.