First Love

Against his better judgement he found himself agreeing.

***

"I never thought it would be this hard to talk to you Jake, we were always so easy together."

Jake couldn't think of anything to add and opted for a shrug of the shoulders.

"I am sorry Jake for the way I handled your proposal, it was just such a shock, it wasn't until you confronted me at the lunch that I realised I hadn't given you a clear answer. What I meant to say was yes but could we wait a bit. I just couldn't work it out at the time."

"That's certainly not what you said. I thought your answer was a clear no and you were trying to be kind."

"I know, I didn't call you as I wasn't sure what to say. I spoke to mum, friends and mentioned it to Ray, it was part of the reason we went to talk. I swear when you caught us that day at lunch, we'd just met as friends."

"You weren't ready to be engaged to me, but then practically ran to the church with him, that pissed me off! I realised he was the one you always wanted."

"It wasn't like that Jake, I was so angry when you wouldn't believe me, that stopped me making contacting you. I got angrier the longer you ignored me and went out with Ray again. We got drunk and carried away one night and the next thing I knew I was pregnant. It shouldn't have happened, I was still working out if we could have a future together, but I was pregnant. I couldn't see you taking me back and the timing meant it could only be Ray's. When I told him he was ecstatic and offered to marry me, he told his family and I got swept up with the whole thing. We had to move quickly because of the pregnancy."

"I felt totally ridiculous about the proposal and how you reacted. By the time I figured we needed to talk about it properly, you were having lunch with your ex. I was certain you still had a thing for him and it seems I was right."

"Never feel ridiculous about that proposal, I am still honoured you asked me. It was my fault, my reaction was well just... wrong. Maybe I did have a thing for Ray, but I had put it aside, I wanted to be with you and then it went so wrong, so quickly. The marriage never felt right, it was ok at first but deteriorated quickly. The truth is, I made the wrong choice and regretted it. We were too young and neither I nor Ray had the sense to stop it. I never loved him like I love you."

The word love rather than loved caught Jake's attention but he dismissed the thought quickly; this was a stranger sitting in front of him.

"Can we meet again, as friends; I have missed talking to you so much."

Despite some hesitation from Jake they did start meeting up, irregularly at first, their friendship recovered gradually. It was Kaylee who asked if they could rekindle their relationship. Jake was in a dilemma, could he open himself up and what if he got hurt again.

Kaylee seem to read his mind, "We were so good together, we'll just go slow Jake, build trust in each other, I've the boys to think about now as well."

"I'm honestly not sure Kaylee."

"I recall someone saying I could take all the time I needed, so it seems fair you get the same. Don't look so glum Jake, if nothing else I am practically rich and told I am not bad looking."

Jake tried to smile as his stomach lurched inside.

Unsure or not they started dating, going slowly; the first kiss took weeks to arrive. Jake discovered he didn't burst into flames at Kaylee's touch.

Eventually Jake met Kaylee's sons; it was a big moment for all of them. She was delighted at how well Jake got on with her boys. No big speeches, he just started kicking a ball around with them; he was on a winner with sports and games.

***

Jake didn't meet Ray until the summer after the league ended when he arrived at the house to pick the boys up for a holiday. They talked outside as Kaylee fussed over hurrying the boys to get ready for their dad.

Ray was still outgoing and gregarious, "Jake it's good to see you."

Jake raised an eyebrow, "I wish I could say the same."

"It's all water under the bridge, you're with Kaylee now and maybe you should have always been, but then I wouldn't have those guys."

"What happened between you two?"

"I'll admit I was too young and a useless husband, I can see why she went back to you, you were always more ...steady and you have that connection. She liked the excitement and the lifestyle though, she got on with people, had lots of energy and liked the attention; but it was all on me, too many temptations and no one like you there to talk some sense into me."

"That sounds like you still want to be with her?"

"I would take her back in a heartbeat, especially as I'd be back with the boys but we didn't work and she wants you. You're a good guy and I think you are what she needs."

The conversation left Jake perturbed what she 'needs' rather than 'wants' sounded strange and Ray wasn't hiding the fact he still wanted Kaylee. He wondered if Ray was trying to mess with him.

***

Jake was both happy and sad to see that Morten's old farm house had been bought and was undergoing renovation, it had been one of their child dreams to live there. He was looking at the work being done, thinking he'd do a few things differently when Kaylee drove up, jumped out the car and asked what he thought.

"It's nice to see the old place saved, it was falling to pieces."

Kaylee couldn't contain herself, "What if I said it was ours; I bought it and got the work started. It was always one of our dreams Jake."

"Wow really!"

He hugged Kaylee, he was happy but he had envisaged doing the work himself or the two of them doing it together, the idea the money came from Ray and her divorce settlement left him feeling uncomfortable."

"It will be quicker and more practical to have other people do the work; and then we can move into it once we are married."

The word married immediately distracted Jake from his concerns about the house. Jake tried to remember if he had proposed, maybe he had blanked it out after the trauma of his first effort.

"I know we haven't discussed that Jake, but I've come back to you and I want that more than anything. I didn't want to put you through the worry of proposing again."

Jake reasoned his childhood dreams were all coming true. The house and now his true love wanting to marry him.

He expressed some doubts to his friends who looked at him like he had two heads, "Are you crazy, she is like a super model and rich to boot and for some reason she likes you, only a moron wouldn't jump at the chance."

His parents were more conservative in their appraisal, but still confirmed a view that they were always meant to be together.

They were engaged and suddenly everyone was in wedding preparation mode, it was a runaway train.

***

How much Ray hung about in the summer bugged Jake, he often turned up unexpectedly and just walked into their home shouting hello. Then he'd meet Kaylee for the kid's events and sports; Jake couldn't wait for the football pre-season to start.

Kaylee came down the stairs; she looked stunning in a form fitted bodycon dress that accentuated her legs and all of her curves. Her hair was pinned up enhancing the effect of her long elegant neck and shoulders.

"You look stunning, but isn't it a bit much for a kids party?"

"It's a special occasion with photographs, I want to look nice."

She wondered off to mingle with the guests, a lot of who Jake didn't know.

The whole thing felt way over the top to Jake, lots of people, more adults than kids, and of course Ray was at the centre of it all. The young mums fawning over him, with the dads not far behind and Kaylee never far away.

There was a myriad of kids entertainment, clowns, bouncy castles, games, it was ridiculous. It must have cost a fortune but Jake was told not to worry about it as Ray was paying for it all.

Feeling thoroughly ignored, Jake decided to play games with the kids and have a kick about with them. They had a great time, with numerous kids hanging off his legs trying to tackle him. Jake grabbed a drink to recover and cool down. Kaylee still seemed to be attached to Ray, so when Kaylee's Gran said she was tired Jake offered to drive her home. They had always gotten along well and talked until he dropped her off and saw her in.

She left him with something of a bit cryptic comment, "Make sure you do right by yourself Jake."

What did she mean by that? Jake didn't rush back and drove to his favourite spot overlooking the sea.

He ignored a call from Kaylee, a text followed immediately, "Where are you?"

"Dropped your Gran off, didn't think there was need to rush back, you and Ray had everything in control."

"Don't be like that, I want you here."

"And it only took you two and a half hours to realise that?"

"Sorry, got distracted talking to everyone and circulating?"

"Everyone or just Ray?"

"Please come back so we can talk."

Jake headed back, pleased to see things winding down. Kaylee smiled and thanked him for coming back saying they'd talk properly later.

Jake tried for a safe topic of conversation, "Looks like the kids had a great time."

At that point Lewis the Birthday boy was playing in a cardboard box. pretending it was truck and ignoring all of the expensive presents.

Ray smiled, "Just look at him, we must have good genes."

Kaylee sighed, "Yeah, he's perfect."

Ray laughed and added "Well if you ever want another let me know."

Jake was staggered by that comment and waited for Kaylee to object? It was Ray who noticed his reaction.

"Jesus look at your face; who pissed on your chips...I'm just joking and winding you up."

"Fuck off Ray, I'm not in the mood; our relationship is a joke to you, good old Ray, always hanging around to pick up the pieces just like you did the first time around."

"Don't be so petty Jake, Ray didn't mean anything by it."

"It's exactly what he meant and exactly how you treated me today, disregarded and disrespected and now you are defending him. I'm sick of it."

Jake walked out as Kaylee sat opened mouthed. To see Jake blow up like that was a shock to her, the scary bit was she knew her actions were disrespectful. She jumped up, hurtling after him without another word to Ray.

"Let's just sit down and clear the air. Me and Ray are always going to be close because of the children; we have a good relationship, it's not sexual or romantic; there is no harm in it."

"It's more than that, they way you are acting; I think you still see him as the better man."

"That's not true; I never should have been with him in the first place; I love you, not him. You make me feel cherished and secure. We're best friends and a perfect match; I want to spend my life with you. I don't want any of that with him; he isn't capable of those things."

"Maybe you do want those things with me; it doesn't mean you aren't attracted to him."

Kaylee had to admit it had been a close run thing. They had spent a lot of time together and Ray had kissed her while they were upstairs at the party putting their youngest down for a nap; the kiss had lingered. It took a few moments to realise what she was doing and only then did she think about Jake. She went looking for him only to be informed no one had seen him for a couple of hours.

Why had she kissed Ray when she was about to be married to Jake, was she still attracted to him? He was a force of nature in the bedroom and the best sex she'd ever had. Jake was no slouch, he was passionate and intense and she loved what he did to her, but she always seemed to be drawn back to Ray. Kaylee imagined having a fling with Ray; the thought was exciting until she thought of Jake. She couldn't afford to lose her soul mate for a second time! She had to get her head on straight, Jake was the better man and the right choice; there was no doubt in her mind that she loved him.

***

Jake managed to push his concerns aside and go along with the wedding preparations, at the same time Kaylee was pushing aside her infatuation with Ray.

Kaylee thought the wedding setting at the old farm house was idyllic. There were hundreds of guests, it was so much better than the pregnancy induced quickie ceremony with Ray. She followed the petal girl on her father's arm to stand next to a nervous looking Jake. Her pearl satin mermaid gown hugging every inch of her body. She had diamonds and silver threads woven through her hair and looked the epitome of a fairy-tale princess. She enjoyed the looks she received walking down the aisle.

The minster conducted a welcome and led a prayer before reciting the preface.

Kaylee was beaming and radiant, Jake remained nervous.

The request for any lawful impediment to marriage was met with the usual uneasy silence and a comic 'phew' from the minister.

The minister turned to Jake, "Jake William Robertson, will you take Kaylee Miller to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?"

This was the moment; finally all of Jake's dreams were coming true. He was about to marry the girl he had adored and loved since the age of 7.

"I...I...."

Kaylee looked at him alarmed, "Jake are you ok?"

"I, I can't Kaylee."

There was a collective intake of breath across the church.

"I... I can't marry you; I am not your everything, like you are to me."

"But you are, I love you?"

"I should have said no earlier, but I wanted this so much. I am saying it now before it's too late for both of us. You know there are some words you never use about us: desire, passion, lust, those types of words. I want all of that with someone, not just a friend choosing the sensible option."

"Kaylee didn't know how to convince him."

"Even now the words don't come to you, you'll always be wanting something or someone else Kaylee. I'd be a fool to trust you with my heart again."

Ray sat in pews totally bemused, thinking that Jake had always been smarter than him? He had the same doubts about Kaylee but married her anyway. She loved attention and was always wanting what she didn't have. He was pretty sure he had a good chance of seducing her. He certainly wouldn't make the mistake of being in a relationship with her again. It was a shame in a way; Jake would have been a great step dad to his children.

As Jake walked out the church, he thought he caught a smirk from Kaylee's Gran. Then he heard their exit wedding song playing, Wishing Well by Free:

You've always been a good friend of mine.

But you're always sayin' farewell,

And the only time that you're satisfied.

Is with your feet in the wishin' well.

He reached the exit and took a deep breath, for the first time he could remember Jake felt at peace.