Flora & Fauna Pt. 13

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The anxiety has only grown by the time I'm shaking snow off my shoulders and tromping up the curved staircase of the estate. A maid rushes closer to take my coat, so I let it drop off my body to the marble stairs without stopping. For once it's a relief that Claudius is so picky about my clothes when I see the outfit laid out for me on the bed. The texture of the forest green velvet gown reflects the light of the fireplace as I take it off the bed and hold it up to myself in the vanity mirror. I sigh and toss it back onto the duvet before heading into the washroom.

Claudius enters as I finish dabbing red creme onto the center of my lips. The off-shoulder neckline of the gown rests just high enough on my chest to not be a scandal when paired with the high split on one side that shows off most of a leg when I walk. I wipe off my fingertips and clip on the necklace he bought me for solstice as he adds platinum cufflinks to his shirt. I wish I had more to do to distract myself as I pointlessly adjust each loose wave of my hair.

"Stand up."

That'll work. I think to myself as I follow the command.

Claudius tilts his head at me. "Maybe I didn't give them the right waist measurement for you. We should add a chain or an accent belt or something."

As he walks by to open the wardrobe, all the days of spiraling anxiety overwhelm me at once. The shaky breath I try to swallow chokes me instead. I collapse onto the bench before the vanity and hide my face in my folded arms as I begin to sob.

"It was just a suggestion. Flora?"

When I don't look up, I hear him come closer and sit down beside me. The tension in his posture is palpable as he sets whatever accessory he was holding on the surface of the vanity and the metal clinks as it collects against the polished wood.

"I'm really not good with crying people," he says tensely, "Please stop."

"I'm trying to stop," I snivel as I emerge and carefully dab at the wet lines under my eyes, "I'm going to ask you something and I want an honest answer. Do you think I'm pretty?"

"Uhhh." He stares down at me with a bewildered expression. "Whatever it is you're asking me for, I don't think-"

"I'm not asking you to pity fuck me, I'm asking if you think I'm attractive."

"Oh. I wouldn't have chosen you for this whole ruse if I didn't. You look like someone that someone who looks like me would be with. What made you so worried about that?"

"I think Andrius is angry with me and I don't know what to do. And I feel not worth... all of this."

"About this arrangement?"

I stand up as he asks and try to move on with preparing for the dinner party. "I think so. But I'm not certain. He says he's happy with me, and I believe him. I met his family and they were all really nice. And he says they liked me but he was acting strange and a friend of his was acting weird around me and now I just don't know what's happening."

"And that made you feel unattractive?"

"And I saw his ex." I add quietly. "She's beautiful. Like, stop midstep and look at her beautiful. I had never seen her before. And she's one of his own kind."

Claudius listens silently and watches as I fret around the bedroom.

I petulantly throw the white, furry shawl onto the bed and bury my face in my hands. "Maybe it would've been better if I didn't go back for such a short time."

Claudius' hand goes over my shoulder and gently squeezes until I look up at him. "For what it's worth, I know the holiday season is rough for relationships like ours. Our real relationships. But once the new years celebrations are over, you can spend a lot of time with Andrius."

"How have you and Marko even put up with so many years of this?"

He sighs and looks tired at even the thought of it. "Experience. And a lot of growing pains."

Quince's glow peeks through the adjoining bathroom as she hovers a few feet over the tile. "Your parents arrived. And your father is pulling off his coat like he may head up."

He nods and takes my hand. As we stand together before the mirror, Claudius adjusts the positioning of the velvet gown and the loose tendrils of my hair as I touch up the areas where tears streaked through the tinted powder on my cheeks. His father's knock on the door is negated by the fact that he opens it at the same time.

"Sorry." I smile and take the blame before anyone else can speak. "I made us late. I couldn't decide on a lip color."

Claudius looks at me with surprise but quickly corrects the expression and adjusts his own suit in the mirror.

"Oh, don't fret," Edward replies in surprise when I speak first, "If I know the Albrechts, dinner won't start until an hour after they said it would anyway."

I smile at them both and place the fur shrug on my shoulders again. When my father-in-law's back is turned, Quince darts under the shrug and pops open a seam in the silk. With a conspiratorial smirk, I watch her wriggle her body into the sleeping bag like slot and I close the golden latch to hold her hidden against my decolletage.

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Claudius' hand reaches under the table and gently presses my knee. But I can't help it. All my whirring worries, mixed with the boredom of this dinner party, is making my leg bounce so fast it'll probably build muscle.

"Sorry." I mouth the word to him covertly.

He responds with a sympathetic look and brings the hand back to his own lap. The look turns to concern when I drink another gulp of red wine. I can feel Quince twisting in the stole as she slides against the inside of the silk lining. Of course Claudius' parents would be chummy with the Albrechts.

The only woman near my age at the table seems to hate me. Based on the distasteful up and down look she gave me as soon as I was introduced. Complimenting her scarlet gown that matches her name only made her curl her lip at me. After that, I gave up on decoding her displeasure or finding any way around it. At least Dottie's presence gives me a friendly ear. A brief mention of how far I've caught up in the romance book she gave me is all it takes for her to happily trade favorite moments with me. It's leagues more pleasant than listening to Scarlet's husband and Edward play a game of trying to one-up each other regarding opulent purchases.

"Do you like the new dining set?" Scarlet's husband is gloating as she beams up at him. "We wanted something more vibrant for the winter season but I think we'll keep it year-round. It's all pure mahogany that-"

"It's not mahogany," I mumble as I raise the wine glass to my lips again. When the voices at the table don't resume, I look up to find all of them watching me.

"I assure you it is."

"It's sapele." I look around uncomfortably and sink down slightly into my chair. "Well, it is."

Scarlet's sculpted brows furrow in a glare. My faux-husband squeezes my knee and clears his throat in a way clearly meant to get the conversation going again.

"Oh, have you reached the end of chapter three?" Dottie asks, trying to resume her smiley demeanor.

I nod and try to smile back. "Yes. It was such a relief when she leapt from the ship soon enough to land on the dock and ran all that way to tell him how she felt."

"Agreed." Scarlet quips, and I look at her in shock before she continues with a fresh sneer. "Luckily, there are some women who know how to be grateful for what they have."

Her husband laughs and nudges her playfully. Claudius' hand squeezes harder, as if he can feel the snippy answer building up in me. Before I can put any of it together coherently the stole swings forward and Quince's arm sticks out to grab a bite of food from my plate. The table is excruciatingly quiet as she takes an audible bite, followed by a squeaky gag. The piece drops into my lap and I throw it into my mouth before I can think of any better way to hide the evidence.

"Quince really isn't supposed to be at the dinner table." Claudius whispers as quietly as he can beside my ear.

"Quince is part of our family!" I snap in the tone not meant for him.

Scarlet shudders and makes a disgusted noise. "I don't know why anyone lets those things just buzz around their homes. They probably carry all kinds of diseases."

"She has a sense of humor. Maybe if anyone else here had one, I wouldn't have to bring her to the dinner table with me."

"From what I hear about your pre-nuptial adventure, it sounds like they have quite the sense of humor in Prophia, don't they?"

If she were sitting any closer, I'd slap the mean smirk off her face. Fire flushes through my body so hot I shiver from it like a fever. Everything twists up inside me like delicate chains in a shaken jewelry box. In one motion, I slap Claudius' hand off my knee and shove away from the table. The fur falls from around my shoulders when I stand and I hear Quince squeak when it hits the floor under the table. But I'm already out of the dining room. I go into the first bathroom I find, slamming and locking the door behind myself. As I sink down to the floor with my back against the wall, I can hear footsteps stop outside the door. Then continue on past it.

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The rapping on the other side of the door is so gentle I barely hear it over my sniffling.

"It's me. Can I come in?"

At the sound of Claudius' voice, I stand up in front of the mirror and wipe away tears with the heel of one hand as I unlock the door. He opens it only enough to slide in, closing and locking it immediately.

"Don't give them that." he says sternly at the sight of my streaked face.

The tone of his voice has the opposite effect and tears start to slip from my eyes again. His expression deflates and he leans back against the door, one hand behind his back.

"This sucks." I whimper.

"I know."

"I don't think you know this part."

"I actually do."

I look over at him in confusion, waiting for him to continue.

"They have plenty to say about Marko when he's not in earshot. And when they're not flattering him to try to get discounts at his shop." He sneers and bites the inside of his lip to tame the expression. "And I can never let it show how much it bothers me. Because, well, you know."

"God. Fuck these people."

He nods and stands with me quietly as I try to touch up my makeup. "Would you like me to stay in here with you?"

"I think I want to be alone for a minute longer."

"Okay. Then bring this out with you." The hand behind his back comes forward and he places a bottle of wine on the counter space. The top is covered in gold foil. "I'm going to tell them I bumped into you in the hall as you were coming back to the dining room and sent you to the cellar to get this wine I like. They want to brag about all their fancy purchases, let's make them put their money where their mouth is."

I look from the wine bottle up into his face and start to laugh. "You're fucking insane."

Claudius' mask slips into place with a cocky grin and a wink.

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The force of the carriage door slamming shut makes it sound like Claudius is angry with me. Even though he spent the rest of the dinner splitting the expensive bottle of wine between us and boisterously trying to lift my mood. The worry evaporates when I hear his father approach the carriage, and Claudius immediately cutting him off.

"Well, your bride was quite a spitfire ton-"

"Don't even try to blame that on Flora. I told you that you and Mom should do dinner with them without us and this was exactly why."

"She could have tried to get along."

"She did try! From the moment she walked in. And what did it get her but a sneer?"

"I just don't understand. You and Scarlet used to be such good friends."

"Yes, when we were like sixteen. People change."

The velvet curtain over the little window is plush against my ear as I press myself to it to listen to their conversation. Some of the words are lost to the evening wind as Claudius walks around to the other side of the carriage. His father is waving goodnight to us both when the opposite door swings open. Claudius sits beside me just as Quince follows and flops herself over my fur covered shoulder. In the instant before the door slams shut, I see Edward's face change to one of annoyance as his eyes follow the addition of the sprite.

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Unable to imagine sleeping right away, I gently rap on the adjoining door.

"Give me one second." There's the sound on the other side of his heavy armoire doors snapping shut. "You can come in."

I tighten the slippery sash of my robe and enter his room. Claudius is organizing files and date planners on his vanity, as he usually is at night. He's wearing a simple pair of sleep pants, which I assume are what I heard him taking from the armoire. The more glimpses at his schedule I get, the more confused I am about how he has the physique he does. Although it's somewhat hidden under the dark hair on his chest and the line of it on his stomach, he's nearly as muscular as Andrius. It's a wonder he ever has time to sleep.

"I'm sorry. About tonight."

"Don't be." He looks away from his sorting and rolls his shoulders as he turns to me. "One of us was going to snap. They should be grateful it was you and not me. At least all you did was criticize their wood identification skills."

I huff out a relieved laugh and sit on an ornate wooden chest sitting at the end of his bed. He sits down beside me and notices when I look over the side at the box.

"It's a hope chest. Got it by default."

"Oh."

"If it makes you feel any better about tonight, Scarlet doesn't hate you, she hates me. I'm sure she just thought you were an easier target. That's why I didn't want us to go to dinner at their place at all."

"Why does she hate you?"

"We had a lot of mutual friends as teenagers, by extension we spent a lot of time together. She was always very flirty with me. And I hadn't quite figured out how to deal with that yet. So, I pretended to be completely blind to it." Claudius makes an awkward face and rubs at his neck self consciously. "Um. I was still holding out hope at the time that I was bi. One night all of us were out together. Playing billiards and darts, getting dinner. And I decided if I was going to find out for sure, who better to experience that with than an attractive friend that I feel comfortable with?"

"And?"

"And I am definitely gay. I flirted back for the first time. She of course ate it up. Invited me back to her place. I couldn't physically do it." He gestures at his lap and shrugs. "She got really upset. Kept asking if I thought she was ugly naked or if she had done something wrong. I was completely panicking inside, telling her I was nervous, it was my first time, it wasn't her fault. Apparently I did too good of a job at convincing her. Because then it changed to her being angry with me. She told if my dick didn't work I should have thought of that before I wasted her night."

"Wow." I can't think of anything else to say.

"Yeah. Hard to say what was more fun; the night itself or a couple days later when I found out she had told everyone in that friend group about it."

"What the fuck?" I yelp. "And you were friends with this person?"

To my surprise, he laughs. "She's actually pretty fun when she's on your side. It's just very easy to end up not on her side."

"God. Yuck."

Claudius leans in close to my ear and whispers conspiratorially, drawing out the central word. "Marko hates her."

I snicker and bat him away. "Because she tried to sleep with you?"

"Oh I'm sure that doesn't help. But it's mostly because she's so fake with him. Drowns him in slimey praise whenever she's in a shopping mood then makes catty comments behind his back. He gets back at her though. I think he charged her... triple on that bracelet she was wearing?"

"Wait, really?!"

"Marko can be surprisingly petty when someone really rubs him the wrong way."

"He likes me though, right?"

"Marko thinks you're adorable. While we're on the topic, if you keep showing up to the studio with espresso he's going to buy you a ring next and you'll have two gay husbands to put up with."

"Aw. But I love going to the studio." I pout.

"Fine. Just remember to invite me to the wedding."

I laugh and feel the worries on this side of my life at least slough off my mind.

"You may hate that I'm saying this but, this part of the whole fake marriage thing has actually been quite nice for me."

When he doesn't immediately elaborate, I tilt my head at him in confusion.

"Having someone to talk to about my relationship. I've never been able to do that before. Sometimes it's like the absence of it is in everything."

"What do you mean? The absence of it?"

"Well, like how..." He bites at the inside of his cheek and furrows his brow as seems to put the story together in his head. "The first year that Marko and I were together... wasn't good. I had never been with anyone before. And his previous relationships had been tumultuous, to put it kindly. It took a while for us to become fluent in each other's languages.

When our first anniversary arrived, I was scheduled to be out of town with my father for work. And it wasn't as if I could ask for the time off, because he would obviously ask why. Marko said it was okay, he was understanding about it. But I hated that I wasn't going to be here. So I decided I would buy flowers, as a surprise for him before I left. I went to the florist shop, thinking I could just buy some red roses and-"

"Yuck."

"What? Why yuck?"

"Red roses are so impersonal and cliché. Red roses are what a man buys for a woman he's trying to impress but who he's never bothered to get to know."

"Oh. Huh. Well, I ended up not getting them because apparently you have to reserve roses. I had no idea because I'd never bought flowers before. Then the florist is standing in front of me, asking what or who I'm shopping for. Obviously I couldn't tell him the truth. And if I lied that it was for a lover, then that's a lie I'd have to keep track of. A lie I'd have to prepare details for when it eventually spun into gossip and reached the ears of my friends or my parents. So I told a simpler lie. I said I just wanted flowers for my study. I could tell he didn't believe me. I was caught off guard and it wasn't my best work, as lies go. And based on his reaction when I left I definitely chose the wrong kind of flowers for an anniversary."

"Why? How did he react?"

"As I left he said to me, 'I'm sorry for your loss.'"

A laugh bursts from me as Claudius continues to stare forward, his deadpan expression failing where the ends of his lips twitch upward. "Tell me he did not say that."

"He absolutely did."

"What did you buy?"

"Forget-me-nots," he answers sheepishly.

"Oh, that florist is weird then. Forget-me-nots are romantic."

"Really?"

"I think so. They're cute." I shrug. "Did Marko like them?"

"Marko would've told me he liked a clump of dirt wrapped in newspaper, so I can't go by that. But that's what I meant by the absence. There are so many moments in my life where it'd be so much easier if I could just be honest. If I could just say that I want a certain day off because it's our anniversary. That I wanted to buy those flowers because I was falling for him and didn't know how to say that yet."

"I experienced that too, in a way. When I was first back in Leaven after being taken from Andrius. Everyone was telling me how lucky I was to be engaged to you. There was no one I could really be honest with." I sigh and my mind drifts back to Prophia. To the unexplained, unfinished gloominess that is waiting for me there.

Claudius' arm wraps around my shoulders and squeezes me once in a gentle hug before he stands to continue organizing his documents for the next day. I take it as my cue to leave and slip back into my own bedroom for the night.

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"Will you help me lace this?"

I spin to put my back to Claudius as I enter his bedroom. The matching ribbon hangs loose from the loops along the back of the deep blue dress.