Flowers in the Basement

"Move."

"No," he said.

I shoved him again, and this time I did lose my balance. Dad caught me just before I hit the floor. He adjusted his hold on me, picking me up like a bride at a threshold and straightening up. He began to walk us out from the hall and up the stairs. I sobbed into his shoulder.

"Why can't you just admit it?" I said between tears. "Why can't you just give in?"

"Because my love for you is stronger than my lust for you."

He helped me into bed and pulled the covers up to my chin.

"I can't survive this," I said. "Not again."

"Go to sleep," Dad said, kissing my forehead. "Tomorrow will be better than today."

I didn't believe it would.

—

Sometimes life is rainbows and kittens, and sometimes it's absolute garbage.

Today was garbage day, and there was no landfill big enough to accommodate my emotional baggage. I don't like to talk about it, and I sure as hell don't like to think about it, but some days I have to sit back and really give myself a chance to accept that I'm in love with my own father. It wasn't a crush, wasn't something that you could outgrow and move on from. It was love, and real love sticks like gum to your shoe; you can step on it, you can try to scrape it off on the asphalt, but there's always going to be little pieces of it stuck to you.

I grew up on my dad's shoulders. He'd show me the sky, the fireworks, the stars, the sun, and he'd tell me that I shined brighter than all of them put together. When I was little, I used to believe him. I could let myself get carried away with the thought that I was special, that I was unique and different enough for someone to want me, but when the person you love rejects you, do you have any idea what that does to your self-esteem?

It crushes you.

I was so crushed that there were no whole pieces of me left. I was made up of broken ones, frayed at the tips and sharp at the edges. I could cut others if they got too close.

And so when I woke up the next morning and found Dad asleep on an air mattress on the floor beside me, I knew that I'd have to put as much distance between us as possible.

I couldn't hurt him. Not again.

—

To be continued...

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To my editor and my betas, thank you from the bottom of my heart. The good folks over at Apes & Automobiles, thank you for your support, encouraging words and for reading the ramblings of an insane woman. More to come soon.