All Comments on 'Foggy Christmas Eve'

I struggled to read this story. It didn't flow smoothly, the scenes were not set well, a reader will create and add the detail in a story from just a few words, but you have to provide the prompts, set the scene.

At the start... Daniel is in his friends car talking to someone, was he driving or passenger? was it someone in the car on was it on the cell phone? His friend Sam was only introduced after they had arrived at their destination, no description of dan or sam. .

later...

The doorbell rang,

In this instance there was insuffcient writing to explain what was happening, in the same paragraph it then had too much written when he walked and then walked.

Part3 -the sudden change to another persons perspective took me a moment to understand, I didn't enjoy the transistion i didn't get much further...

good potential just needs polishing..

One of the best holiday stories I've ever read here

As you describe in the forward, you're trying to improve. I think you are pretty close. Agree with the "need polishing" comment, and you can tell a good story. A little somber of an ending to my taste, but potential for future stories is there. Hopefully with more upbeat endings.

I expected Daniel and Sophie would be "Happy ever-aftering," but that wasn't the case. Life moved on--unfortunately.

Your story could be improved with the help of an editor. The plot is superb, but there are a number of distractions which an editor could help with.

Good luck in the contest.

It was not an easy story to read but you hit the key points.

Well described people and places, a story which engaged me thoroughly and a need for me to look out for your next story.

The story line is suburb, but as the others have said, it just needs polishing to make it flow a bit better. But, please don't take the comments too negatively because I see a lot of potential. KEEP WRITING!!!

Sorry, I think you did a great job writing and sculpting this story. However, the ending sucks and ruined it. Three stars, would have been five.

After your intermission, which got a laugh from me, I decided you were not finished with the sad. It was well executed.

As others have said, some polish is needed on this story, but it was a solid submission. The irregularly changing POV was disorienting at first, but you had a good reason to write it that way, and it worked well later in the story. A suggestion: your prose seems a bit clunky and events often happen in large blocks of text. Breaking some of this up into smaller sentences and paragraphs will make it seem more dynamic. Try reading it out loud to test the flow of it all (if you can).

Keep up the good work!

First of all thank you everyone for all the comments, they're truly appreciated.

As you all pointed out the story was definitely rough. I don't get too much time to come on literotica and found out about the contest 5 days before it ended. I wrote it all as fast as I could to get it in on time, and unfortunately it shows. When I do something I try to go all in, so I tried to get creative with the story telling, but suffice to say it didn't go entirely as planned. I barely managed to submit it in time and was only able to do some proofreading. There's more I wish I could've written for it, but such is life. I'lll see if I can do something about a finished and polished edit at a later date, but I'm swamped at the moment and won't be able to do it until next month.

Again thank you for reassuring me it wasn't wholly terrible, and all I can say is hopefully next time will be better. Happy holidays

So very sad, but beautiful. Keep writing, as you have such a gift.

What do I think of the story? "5" for the writing ... "4" for the story ... and "2" for the ending.