Fooled Me Twice Pt. 07

After that day, I started wearing sunglasses around the college, hoping no one would recognize me and think I was Cassie.

From time to time, Cassie would bring a man home with her, usually staying overnight. Since the floor plans for our condos were the same, except Cassie's was flipped, both bedrooms shared the same wall, although I never heard a sound coming through the wall.

In the winter of my sophomore year, Cassie came up with the wild idea of sharing a boyfriend if he could be a potential husband. I was totally against it, but she kept working on me, nagging, wearing me down; she even yelled at me before I relented. I dated a few of the guys she brought home, but they all were creepy.

Then I met you, Marty, and fireworks went off across the sky; my favorite love songs played in my head, and I was in heat over a man for the first time in my life. Of course, I wasn't a virgin, but I hadn't been obsessed with having sex. So when you came along, all I could think about was getting you into my bed.

If it were up to only me, I would have taken you home on the second date, but Cassie wasn't sure, and she kept making me check out her last date. So for three months, Cassie and I argued, and I had you all to myself, but no sex. Then her latest boy toy cheated on her, and after dumping him, she told me to give you a tryout.

That first night after I showed you where I lived, we were ripping the clothes off of...."

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"Okay, everybody, there is no need for me to read this section out loud, just sex stuff."

"No, no, no, no. You're not getting off that easy. We want to hear all the juicy parts." That came from my lovely sister, Danni.

"Oh, come on, family. Please, you are embarrassing me."

"I want to hear about it, to see how your story compares to some of the... I'll call them adventures Dianna and I have had over the years."

"I thought you were my friend, Joe. All right. I won't read it now, but I'll leave it out so you can all read the juicy parts."

"Now, let me see, where was I?"

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"When you were getting dressed to go home Sunday evening, you asked if I had seen your phone. I knew then that Cassie had taken it, but I didn't know how she got into my condo. After you left, she suddenly appeared in my bedroom, coming out of the closet. She showed me the hidden door between bedroom closets and then grilled me about our weekend together.

She nearly destroyed everything the following Friday night by getting caught on a date with two guys. She wasn't used to your humor and got angry about your joke. Finally, after I chewed her out, she apologized. That episode was a warning, and I should have ended my agreement with her and kept you for myself, but she was so convincing and had a stronger will than I did.

Whenever apologies had to be made because of Cassie's actions, I was always the one saying, I'm sorry, and begging you to take me back. I spent Christmas with you in Greenville, and Cassie went to the New Year's party. Sapphire's offer tempted her, but for once, she used good judgment and walked away."

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"Who was Sapphire, Dad?"

"What kind of offer did this Sapphire make?"

"What kind of party? You never told me about a party, Dad."

My three daughters were ganging up on me, Alexa, Cat, and Lissa, or ACL as I refered to them when they ganged up on me.

"She was the hostess of two huge parties Liz and I went to, one New Year's Eve gala and the other happened the following Halloween."

Now Lissa was ganging up with Lexa, "Dad? Where were the parties held, in a park or a hotel?"

"They were held at a ten-acre mansion which was very famous. Please stop interrupting so I can get through this."

Carter pulled out his 38^th generation V-Phone and was searching for something.

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"A few weeks later, you took me to Vegas for a weekend. I'll never forget how turned on I was with my bare tits, pressed against that huge window so high from the ground while...."

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The peanut gallery started laughing and giggling, and that's when I muttered out loud, "I can't believe Liz added all these private secrets to her letter."

"Marty, I don't think she expected you to read this to your entire family."

"Thank you, Ruth; I love you too." I took a drink of bourbon and continued;

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"Then it was Valentine's Day, and Cassie had you for the weekend. When she came out of my walk-in closet late Saturday night, carrying her shoes, I could see she was upset. She told me what she did and how mad you were and begged me to forgive her.

I knew I had more groveling to do and another fire to extinguish."

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"Dad, what happened that Valentine's Day weekend?"

"Well, Lissa, the version I will tell you is as follows; Liz took me to a club, and we danced, and then she took me to dinner, and it was very romantic, and we went back to Liz's condo and we, you know, we did stuff that no child wants to believe a parent is capable of doing. We fell asleep right before sunrise and slept until evening. When we awoke, we put the same clothes back on and ate at IHOP before going back to the same club we went to the night before. We danced, and stuff happened, I took Liz home, and I'm not gonna divulge any details that aren't in the letter."

"Dad, how do you expect me to fly to Jupiter and explore its moons with so many questions about my father's life before I was born. Perhaps you should come along with me, and we can have long discussions and maybe even start writing your memoirs?"

Oh, Lord, help me in my time of need. My brainy analytical son Carter, with an IQ of 148, has become a tawdry gossip columnist.

"Carter, are you drunk? You never talk like that."

"I never realized what comfortably numb meant until I had some high-dollar champagne, Pops."

I could use an aneurysm bursting in my brain right about now.

"Dad, what was the name of the club?" My daughter's partner has always called me dad.

"Club? Oh, it was Oasis."

"Near the Mission District?"

"Yes, I believe it was."

Anika started laughing so hard that tears ran down her cheeks, and Olivia kept saying, "What? What's so funny? Anika, what is it?"

"I'll tell you later, girlfriend." No one else spoke, but everybody looked around, trying to see if anyone else knew what Oasis was. I cleared my throat and continued reading;

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"Exams were over for our third year, and you let me move into your house. It was a good thing you did because money was tight, and Cassie rented out my condo for 60% over the mortgage payment to ease up the cash flow. She also deactivated the closet door.

Two weeks later, you and Cassie spent the weekend at that nude resort. As soon as you returned home, we flew to Greenville for Danni's wedding, and I helped your mom with all the last-minute details. While I was busy reading lists and checking them twice, Cassie relaxed by the pool at her hotel in Asheville. We drew straws; she got you for Danni's wedding, and I got the cookout at your parent's house on Sunday. You proposed to her during Danni's reception, and she got drunk and was still hungover when we switched before sunrise. You must remember the cookout because that was the day your mom burst into the room...."

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"Let's skip that part; most of you weren't born, anyway. Now, where was I, right the story about Ruth at the lake and her tiny black bikini."

"Martin, if you skip the part about the morning before the cookout, you'd better skip the story about the lake you told everyone after the cookout."

"But, Ruuuth?"

"Mommy, you never told me a story about a black bikini at a lake. Do you have other stories, romantic stories about you and Dad after you got married? You always led me to believe that you had a boring life."

That was my little Princess, Alexandra, and I kept a close watch on her friends because sometimes she could be incredibly gullible.

"We'll talk later, Alexandra; let your father finish reading the letter. Martin, tell the truth."

I was trapped, and with a deep sigh, I read what Liz wrote;

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"You must remember the cookout because that was the day your mom burst into the bedroom we were sleeping in. Little Marty was pumping away when she hollered that breakfast was ready, and you froze because the blanket had slid down to the bottom of the bed, and she was staring at your bare butt cheeks. She laughed it off and told a story about the last time she'd seen your bare bottom. Dianna, Joe, and your dad also got a peek at you mooning the world."

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There was mild laughter coming from the crowd; okay, they were all laughing their asses off.

"Daddy, I thought you and Liz only had one baby. Who's little Marty?" I love Lexa so much.

Dixie and Danni fell out of their chairs, and Brad stood up and wandered into the back yard looking for a place to curl up and die laughing. Ruth was laughing so hard she peed herself, she really did, and I could see the yellow water stain on the back of her pants. She ran inside with Dixie and Danni who may have also pissed themselves. I must have explained who little Marty was to my sisters, although I don't remember doing it.

Only the people my age knew what that was all about, and they were busy explaining things to the younger generation. Oh my God, Uncle Bob and Aunt Jolene, where are they? I looked around; they were sitting the farthest away, smiling at me. Were they being polite, or did the batteries in their hearing aids die?

"Oh my God, Marty, I forgot about that whole weekend. I remember warning Momma that she needed to knock, but she barged right in, and I followed, and there you were in all your glory, and yes, Dad and Joe followed us down the hall."

D could have kept quiet, but, nooooo, she had to pour gas on the fire.

Joe was having a stroke while listening to his wife speak, so I guess he remembered that day also.

"Thank you, Dianna. May I please continue?"

"Dad, I want to know who little Marty is."

"I'll tell you who little little Marty is, Lexa, but what story did grandma tell that day?"

"Dad, shouldn't we wait for Mom to come back?"

Danni returned wearing a skirt instead of the pants she had on five minutes ago. While waiting for Ruth to return, I noticed Olive and Anika whispering, and Olive was covering her mouth and laughing.

I was praying for lightning to strike me down in my misery, but I couldn't get that lucky.

"Anika, did I pronounce your name right, my dear?" My dear Uncle Bob didn't wait for her answer, and his hearing aid was working, "What kind of club was this Oasis place, and how did you hear about it?"

I sat down and surrendered, wondering if the Eddie's Gun Store was open?

After Anika and Olive stopped giggling, Anika explained that Oasis was an LGBTQ club. Uncle Bob was finally getting back at me for buying the supercomputer and had to ask, "What does that stand for?"

After the laughter died, as Dixie and Ruth returned to the Marty Stevens Roast in new pants, Anika answered, "Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer. My grandmother grew up in San Francisco, frequented Oasis, and after my mother was born, she divorced my grandfather and moved in with another woman. While I was in high school, my grandmother told me her life story because she felt we were kindred spirits, and she wanted me to know if I came out, I would have at least one family ally."

The gallery was out of control, so I quieted them by screaming, "Shut Up." I followed up with the following statement, "Question and answer period will follow when after-dinner coffee is served, and for entertainment, Marty will be hanging a noose from the big oak tree in the back yard and testing it out." The guffaws slowly changed to snickers, and I continued reading;

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"Cassie told me about the crazy old lady at the reception who told you to be careful because your fiancée only had half of a heart in her chest. How could she know that two identical twins were pretending to be one woman who loved you?

So now we were engaged, and Cassie emptied her savings account to get an identical engagement ring made because she was a size 6.5 and I was a size 7. That may not sound like a big problem, but sometimes I had trouble getting it off my finger when we switched.

We had planned an extended holiday that summer, and she almost killed you the day before we were scheduled to fly back home to pack. Do you remember what happened that morning? You were fooling around, and you called her Lizzy. She blew up, screaming and hitting you, before running into the bathroom and calling me in tears, begging me to help her. I was staying in a cheap hotel about a mile away, and I sprinted the whole way to the gate in the back wall of the fence. The backyard was empty because everyone was milling around the front yard, wondering where you were. I knocked on Dixie's window, and Cassie opened it up. I helped her climb out the window and walk through the back gate, where I gave her my room key and told her to lock the door and wait for my call.

I walked into the front yard, and your dad was walking down the sidewalk, so I followed him. Everyone else was gathered around your mother, trying to calm her down.

Somehow you wandered down to your elementary school, and because your parents knew where you always ran away to when you were angry or sad, your dad and I found you slumped on a swing, and he called for an ambulance. Luckily for you, your mother's classmate, a neurosurgeon visiting family in town, diagnosed a burst aneurysm and operated, saving your life and the vision in your eye.

I was angry because Cassie yelled at you and caused your blood pressure to rise, making the bubble in your brain burst. Still, you wouldn't blame anyone and explained that if it hadn't happened then, with everything lined up for a quick diagnosis and surgery, you would have died at any other place and time. Cassie told me later why she blew up. When she was in school, she was very shy and kept to herself. In the 9^th grade, she made a friend, another girl who wasn't pretty, and the popular girls in school called them Lezzy's, and while it didn't bother Cassie, her friend couldn't take it and tried to kill herself. The girl survived but went to another school, and when you called her Lizzy, she thought you were saying Lezzy.

There was no summer vacation because we stayed at your parents' house so you could recover, and I was your nurse.

You were able to fly back to Stanford two weeks before classes started, although I wanted to stay another week. So, after classes started, we returned to our dating formula. Cassie and I switched off every week, and if you remember, we pulled all-nighters on Friday nights and slept late on Saturday mornings. Saturday nights were for eating when hungry, drinking when the numbness wore off, dancing with a buzz on until closing, and then back home.

I didn't want you to go to that woman's mansion for Halloween...."

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"Daddy, you didn't finish the sentence. What did you do when you went home?"

"Why, my darling Alexandra, we went to bed, of course."

"Oh, I thought you went home to have sex. Did you have medical issues back then, Daddy? Because, if you studied late on Fridays and get drunk every Saturday night, it's no wonder you weren't able to have sex.".

She seemed so proud of herself, solving a nonexistent problem. Where was I?

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"I didn't want you to go to that woman's mansion for Halloween, but Cassie couldn't wait. For a month after we received the invitation, it's all she wanted to talk about. While I studied, she was online looking for costumes that she liked. I saw the outfits when they came in but didn't see either of you wearing them until you walked out and got in that pink limousine. I was so pissed at Cassie for making you wear that costume and calling you by that name. When I saw what she had on, I told her later I didn't want to hear any details about that night."

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"Daddy?"

"Yes, Lexa."

"What costume were you wearing, and what did Aunt Liz call you?"

"Both were extremely embarrassing for me, my sweet and adorable daughter who must keep quiet so Daddy can finish reading the letter."

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"When she told me I could have you for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's, I thought she felt guilty making you dress up like that. Thanksgiving was wonderful in Greenville, with so many little ones to hold and love. All I could think about was you, me, and the ten children I wanted.

When we returned for Christmas, I believed everything would work out, and you and I would live happily ever after. But then I got a call from Cassie, and she told me she was staying in a room at the Hilton and begged me to come to her room. Pretending I needed to go shopping, I borrowed your mom's car and drove to her hotel. She was a little drunk but wanted to switch with me the next day. I refused, and Cassie didn't argue; instead, she opened a bottle of wine to toast the holidays, friends, and family. She put something in my wine, and even though she denied doing it, I know she drugged me.

When I woke up, it was morning, and Cassie was gone. I dialed the throwaway phone number, and she didn't answer. Every half-hour, I called the number again until finally, she called me back. My twin apologized and asked me to meet her in the ladies' room near the Burger King in the mall. I took a cab to the mall and waited in the ladies' room when she came in. She told me what had happened that morning while we were switching clothes, and I blew up. I told her to go back to San Francisco, and she shrugged and said, "Whatever." I drove her to the airport the next day and waited until I was sure she boarded the plane.

Two days later, I received a lecture from you because of the day Cassie acted up at the mall and wanted to fight those two girls, and I had to lie and promise to see a doctor upon returning to school after New Year's. Still, the rest of the holidays were magical, especially Christmas Day and New Year's Eve.

Cassie wouldn't tell me what she was doing, but she was bouncing around with excitement the entire month of January. I found out what she was up to at the same time you did when she gave you that book about...."

I stopped reading and pulled the sheet I was reading out as if I'd finished reading that page and I was going to begin reading the next page. Starting three-quarters of the way down on the next page, I continued reading a letter.

"Finals and graduation were approaching, and...."

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"But Dadddy, what was the name of the book? How can everyone here stay objective and know what's happening if you keep leaving stuff out?"

"Carter, don't you need to take a liquid nitrogen shower?"

"Oooh, Daddy dearest, aren't we a little testy today?" Has he been drinking?

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"Finals and graduation were approaching, and we'd already packed a lot of our possessions and clothes that we were taking home to your parents' old house that your dad was renting to us. Our wedding date was set in stone for June 21^st, and the wedding planner had taken care of almost everything else. I took care of the reservations for our honeymoon; first, you and me to the exotic island of Maui, then you and Cassie to erotic Bora-Bora, and you and me to Bangkok."

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"Uncle Marty, I know you explained the difference in their personalities, but surely there had to be other clues that individually meant nothing, but when everything was put together, it explained everything. For instance, despite being identical twins, their lovemaking couldn't have been identical...."