For the Greater Good - Conclusion

Life is as strange as you make it.

Ashley returned but was off to Boston six days later, then on to the University of Michigan, and lastly an entire five days in Vancouver. During her brief stay, she tried to initiate sex once, the night after she got home. I stayed harder longer, probably because I hadn't given myself any relief, in the four days before her arrival. But as soon as I entered her, Beltran showed up in my head, and that was that. The next morning, she wasted no time over breakfast.

"I'm not going to push you anymore, baby." She said it like she was doing me a favor. "When you're ready, let me know. I don't want to pressure you, but you have to know, I have needs too."

So, her way to not pressure me was to give me an ultimatum, which put pressure on me.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I raised my voice in anger. "Is that some kind of threat?"

Ashley looked shocked. She stared at me like I was a stranger. I'd never talked to her like that before. Then she looked away for a few moments, before leaving the room. As was my normal Saturday routine, I went out to get started on yard work.

When I came in for a break in the early afternoon, Ashley joined me in our living room. She sat next to me on the sofa. "I'm sorry about the way I put things this morning," she said apologetically. "You had every right to explode on me. I'm just frustrated. I want my husband back, but I'm the reason he isn't present. I can solve... fix almost anything. I've broken you, and I have no idea what to do about it."

She broke down then. I blamed her, but I was also empathetic. I wrapped my arms around my wife, making her cry even harder. I just let her get it all out of her system. Finally, she calmed a bit.

"I'm sorry too," I told her. "I guess we're both on edge. Listen, Ashley, you need to know, it isn't for lack of trying. I am. I told you in the beginning, I had no idea how I was going to overcome what I'd seen. It's not punishment or revenge. I'm trying to keep him out of our bedroom with all I have, but I can't."

"I know," she sniffled and wiped her face on her sleeve. "I believe you. It's not that. When it happens, all my good feelings just disappear, and I'm back to the extreme guilt I feel. I wish you would talk to someone... a professional, but I understand if you can't or won't. I want you to know, I'm on your team. So be it if it's celibacy for an indeterminant amount of time. I'm prepared to go the distance for you and our marriage."

With that extra pressure off of our backs, Ashley and I actually got along much better before she left again. We'd cuddled a few nights watching TV. Other evenings, she was as busy as she'd been in college, trying to solve the world's problems.

When Ashley left for her trip, we hugged tightly, and more genuinely. "I'll call you every night," she assured. "Any night you feel like talking about things, just text me sometime during the day, so I know and can prepare myself for an extended conversation. I may be gone, but you're my priority."

That's what we did. We talked and talked. I'm not ashamed to say that a few nights we talked dirty, and I'm sure she got some relief like I did. Other nights she wanted to know if I knew what happened in our bedroom to trigger my thoughts of her with Beltran. I told her the how and when, but the why was still a mystery to me.

On the day before Ashley was due home, Melinda knocked on my door. When I let her in, she looked stricken. For a moment I thought something happened to Tom. She quickly assured me he was okay. But once we sat down at the kitchen table, she described scenarios that told me Tom was anything but okay.

What she told me over the next hour, sounded like some sort of reverse Florence Nightingale Effect, or transference. Tom had started obsessing about Ashley. And he was becoming short, agitated, and occasionally aggressive with Melinda and the kids.

"Did you know," she asked between tears, "that he's going to that hospital in Atlanta with her on their next trip?"

I didn't know, and my wife hadn't brought it to my attention either. I guess my expression gave Melinda her answer.

"I'm worried," she said, sullenly. "I don't think he should go. He needs help, Kurt. He's gone off the deep end."

"Does anyone else know about this?" I asked. She shook her head. Do you want me to talk to him?"

"Better you than your father," she told me. "You know how your parents are. This might come better from his brother, plus she's your wife."

"Or make it worse," I opined, "because she's my wife. But I agree about Mom and Dad."

My Mother and Father were, to me anyway, some of the best parents two sons could have. We'd asked or needed for nothing growing up. As they got older, though, and us as well, they'd become more controlling. They'd also taken to Ashley and Melinda like daughters, instead of in-laws, but I saw that as a means to ensure they had access to their grandkids. It wasn't anything overt - not even something an outsider would notice. It's why I was so perplexed that they hadn't been over while Ashley was out of town, grilling me about the state of our relationship.

My conversation with Tom went about as I'd expected. He denied or deflected and at one point turned it around on his wife, saying she'd been the one who seemed under pressure, now that his cancer was in remission. Only when I confronted him point-blank about Ashley, and the look on his face gave him away, told me Melinda was right, did I realize the truth.

Not even an hour after Ashley came home from her trip, I began the inquisition.

"When were you going to tell me about Tom going with you to Atlanta?" I asked with fervor.

"I... we just... Got confirmation two days ago." She replied sheepishly. And she left it there.

"What is that supposed to mean, Ashley?"

"We were... are supposed to be honored at a CDC dinner." She explained. "Me, of course for the delivery system, and Tom for being Patient One. We just got word that he was to be included."

"So, why would Tom have been talking about it for a couple of weeks now?" I probed, trying to catch my wife in a lie. "He's making a big deal about it. It would have been nice to hear it from you, instead of his very worried wife."

"Melinda was here?" she seemed shocked, or was she worried? "What did she say? Why was she here?"

This line of questioning was out of line. I understood that my wife and I were at odds, and I also knew that she was doing everything in her power to keep the sad truth from Tom and Melinda's family, as well as my parents. But it felt like she was accusing me of something.

"Are you asking if I slept with her, while you were gone?" No point beating around the bush.

"No," she became saddened. "Of course not. Just why she was here, Kurt. Tom has been telling me... confiding really, what's going on between the two of them. He's worried about her."

So, Ashley, as his healer had also been his recent confidant. That was probably causing Tom's enamored state of mind.

"Being his sounding board isn't a very good idea right now," I lectured her. "Tom is leaning into you - hard right now - as a caregiver, as a lifesaver, and likely as an extremely attractive woman. He's becoming obsessed, and you know how that will turn out considering he sees you as something unattainable - someone he can't have."

"That's ridiculous!" she replied loudly. "He seems perfectly normal to me, except for the condition of his home life, and his concerns for Melinda."

"Well, they're both claiming the same thing of the other," I said matter-of-factly. "And only one of them is right. I'm just asking you to be careful."

Ashley thought for a moment. "If you're right, why not come with me on this trip?" she genuinely seemed like she wanted me there. "We don't have to have sex for you to spend time with me, or vice versa. I miss you."

She sounded sincere. But she wasn't. The Ashley I'd known all that time wouldn't have missed or forgotten to clue me in or invite me to be with her. Certainly not after my brother. Even if the formal plans hadn't been cemented earlier. That gave me pause. I was taken aback, and I'm sure Ashley saw that, although she didn't immediately question it. It was one more thing to evaluate.

Six weeks after Ashley came home from RCA, she was leaving again for her fourth trip. She'd be working for several days on a delivery system for medicine to do with pancreatic cancer. Right in the middle of those days, Ashley and John would need to take a break and participate in all the hoopla of a CDC dinner in their honor. My brother, Tom, was flying out with her, and returning the day after the event.

Ashley made a big deal of providing all the details of their lodging and itinerary. I found it superfluous and frankly, unnecessary. I worked a job fifty hours per week. On top of that, I was now the only person trying to maintain our home. Some nights, I was so disinterested in talking to Ashley, that we both gave up early into our conversations. Whatever my wife might or might not do behind my back, could easily be accomplished without my knowledge. And Ashley was only in the first few weeks of what would be months on the road.

I wavered as I watched her board the plane with Tom. Part of me was relieved to have her gone again so soon. I was at my best when I didn't have a constant reminder of my troubles. Part of me missed her though - missed the closeness and the intimacy that we'd once shared.

I was home maybe fifteen minutes when my mother called and informed me, I was required at a family barbeque at Tom's house that afternoon. I called Jill and she confirmed that she already knew it was going to be an inquisition. I was tired of the pretense, and desperately wanted the sad truth to be known, but I was also embarrassed. There was the matter of infringement of Ashley's privacy since she wasn't going to be there to defend her actions.

With a sad, heavy heart I cleaned up, grabbed a bottle of wine, and headed over to face my family. Dinner was good as always, while the conversation was heavily laced with phoniness I rarely saw in this group. Everyone skated around the eight-hundred-pound gorilla in the room. That would have to wait until the kids were off to other things.

Dear old Dad started things off, eager to get his show on the road. "All right son," he said with a mix of kindness and pity. "What's going on with you and Ashley?"

"Marital problems, Dad." I'd had time to consider my response, and along with my embarrassment, I wanted to protect my wife's virtue, not that she had much left in my own eyes.

"We all know that," he said in an elevated tone. "What kind of marital problems, exactly?"

There it was. I guess I didn't have as much prep time as I'd thought. Maybe it was too painful for me to want to think it through. I looked away from him and around the room. Jill gave me an encouraging nod.

"It's not my place to tell you," I tried once more. "You should ask Ashley."

My father gave a heavy, nasal sigh. "I'm asking you, son. It's your marriage - your happiness too. I promise to reserve judgment on Ashley until I can speak with her and get her side of things. Get her explanation. We - all of us - can see how unhappy you both are. We're here to help. Especially after what she di... what you both did for Tom."

There it was - in spades. The holy savior Ashley was so revered that she didn't even have to attend her own trial. Better to hear it from her spokesman. That pissed me off. They favored her over their own son, and I was bitterly tired of holding everything inside.

"She cheated on me," I said looking down in distress and unease. "Four times... that I know of."

There were gasps, followed by silence. "My mother mumbled, "That's... not possible."

My own mother took her side, against me. That only fueled my anger. I was so fed up with this shit.

"Screw you, Mom!" I lashed out. "It's not only possible, it's true."

My father was out of his chair. I wasn't ready for the open-handed slap, so there was shock along with the sting. I'd forgotten momentarily how I'd been raised.

"Don't you ever talk to your mother that way," his anger dripped from his words.

By now I was on my feet, but when I saw the look in his eyes, he seemed as hurt as when I'd seen Ashley fucking Beltran in the napping room. I understood why he lashed out. Still, we weren't going to get anywhere doing this.

"I'm leaving," I stated definitively. As I glanced around at each face there were plenty of different emotions. Jill looked heartbroken and disconsolate. Mom wore a mask of dismay. Melinda sat there astonished and appalled. I rapidly headed for the door. Suddenly they found their voices, collectively yelling and screaming - appealing to me to come back. The kids would be soon in that room, out of morbid childish curiosity, so there was no point for me to linger.

Jill gently touched my elbow as I was getting in my car. "I'm sorry that went like that," she said sincerely.

"Yeah, well, it's what I expected," I replied. "And I told you so earlier before I came."

"I know." She didn't have any idea how to fix things, and it was apparent in her eyes. "But you can't leave now. You can't leave it hanging there. Please come back inside and tell the whole story. I'll go in before you and make sure Dad keeps himself in check."

"Sure," I laughed bitterly. "I have a better idea. You know the whole story. At least the side my wife told you. They'll believe her over me anyway, so you go finish the story. Tell Dad not to try speaking to me the rest of the week, or else he may get what's coming to him."

Jill looked horrified for a moment, realizing it had come to this, but just as quickly her resolve returned. "I'll do my best, Kurt.

I went back home to my empty house. Being a baby and wallowing in my troubles was not a thing I did. That night I pulled out my favorite whiskey and drank myself to sleep. Before doing so, I resolved to make it a one-night thing and start making decisions the next day about where I wanted my life to go. Everything would be so much easier if I didn't love the damned woman with my whole heart.

The next morning, I called in sick again. I was a senior manager with my company, so that simply meant a courtesy phone call to let my subordinates know I wouldn't be in. After a shower, shave and a Bloody Mary to go with my coffee, I began to write. Pros and cons; pluses and minuses. Possible directions for our lives going forward. I kept coming back to two things. Ashley, my wife was basically 'in the wind.' That wasn't her fault, necessarily. If I'd cured cancer - even just one kind of cancer - would I be able to put off an entire scientific community desperate for my help and knowledge, to work on my marriage? The other thing that plagued me was the fact that I couldn't keep it up while trying to have sex with my wife. Just like her galivanting all over the country, my issue wasn't my fault either.

But, unlike her issue, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to 'perform' for her in our bed again. At least not until I could stop seeing that fucker, Beltran in our bed with us. Worse, we couldn't talk about it - not in person, at least - trying to come to some resolution. With those two circumstances out of our control, I wasn't hopeful that anything good was in store for our immediate future.

No one had called me after I'd left. I was thankful. My parents, both of them, had really hurt me. It wasn't their business in the first place, and now I had the added worry of outing my wife and what might be revealed when she returned. That conjured up another dark thought that I couldn't cast aside. What were the open possibilities that something between her and Tom would materialize?

Melinda called my cell at about ten-thirty. "I can't believe you let Tom go away with her!" She was almost hysterical. "Why didn't you tell me the truth? I could have... could have stopped him from going. What the hell is wrong with you?"

I let her get it all out. Never had I heard or seen her this furious. Finally, Melinda ran out of steam and took a long deep breath. "Aren't you going to say something?"

"I don't know what to say, Melinda," I replied honestly. "I'm the one who tried to talk to my brother if you recall. That was at your request. I asked my wife if taking him along wasn't such a good idea, but she blew off my concerns. I know you think it's playing with fire, and maybe I'm a little worried too, but there wasn't anything to do about it, except trust them."

"I know you're right," she said more calmly. "I'm worried. I had no idea what happened to Ashley at that lab. I had no idea what you were going through. I'm sorry about your dad attacking you like that. I just don't know what to think about all this."

I consoled her for a few more minutes, but truthfully, my heart wasn't in it. My life was rapidly going to shit, and I'd found no viable solutions to stop the onslaught. I told Melinda to call me anytime and that I'd continue to check in on her, as long as my parents weren't there to blindside me.

Not an hour later, Jill stopped by. She looked wary - like she hadn't slept well. I offered a tuna sandwich since I was already making one for myself and she accepted.

"So, how'd it go?" I asked, morbidly curious.

"Shock and awe, I guess would be the best description," she said with a long sigh. "I did my best to explain, based on what Ashley confessed to me."

"Yeah," I responded, "maybe we should talk about that so there aren't too many versions floating around. One is bad enough."

Jill took another bite of her sandwich and then said, "She told me about her idiosyncrasy and that it had always been between the two of you until she decided to enlist Dr. Beltran at RCA. The part I don't understand is why she did it three more times. When I asked about that, she said 'Neither did she.'"

"And therein lies the rub," I continued what she was thinking sarcastically. "I don't believe that. I keep trying to, but the devil on my shoulder won't shut up."

"I asked her a lot of things," she ignored my previous rant. "Like why she couldn't just buy an industrial-sized vibrator. I even challenged her, saying I could get off better from my toy than any man."

She saw my eyebrow rise, and she chuckled. "Easy, bro. Technology and all that. She said she'd tried that before. It had to be real sex and it had to be doggy. She went on to assure me there was no intimate contact..."

"Bullshit!" I interrupted. "Doggy sex is intimate. She's trying to change definitions."

"I know," she replied, seeing that I was becoming upset. "She meant no 'other' intimate contact like kissing. She went on to tell me you saw them doing the deed, the fourth and final time. Said you accused her of sleeping with him a fifth time, and it really hurt her. I didn't get what she was saying until she explained you thought she probably threw him a goodbye fuck, as in made love to him, before coming home."

"Anything else?" I asked, worn out from hearing the story again.

"No," she said, leaning back. "I explained how I thought you felt, the betrayal, seeing them in the act, and how that probably affected you. She listened and made some faces as I talked about my brother, Kurt, as I knew him. The faces she made were of surprise or fear. I told her patience would be important if she wanted to keep you. Then I asked if she wanted to keep you."

Jill let it hang there. My eyebrow went up again, "she told me absolutely, Kurt. I believe her."

"So, how did Mom and Dad handle all you told them?" I wanted to get back to the heart of our conversation. "Did they have any understanding at all?"

"They did," she said with a sigh. "For them, it's a matter of wrapping their heads around things. Ashley is - was their hero. She saved their son. It's hard for someone to go from hero to zero in someone's mind that quickly. They have to come to terms, reconcile even, that while she saved one son, she shit on the other."