For the Kids

"A few pieces." I thought. The whole house was filled with stuff she "just had to have." She could take it all, for all I care. It would just be a reminder of her, after she was gone. I didn't want that. What I wanted was to forget her, if I could forget her, I could forget what she had done.

"We don't ever forget, do we?" I thought to myself. She would always be there somewhere in the recesses of my mind.

"You can take it all. I don't want any of it." I said kind of harshly. It was the first real emotion I had expressed throughout the whole drive.

"You don't want anything??" She said in a surprised tone.

"No. I'm starting over, a clean slate, a new canvas to paint a different picture on." I told her. Out of the corner of my eye I saw sorrow on her face.

"Do you hate me that much?" She asked.

"No, I still love you, I always will in some way, but this chapter of my life is almost over. Time to start a new one." I stated.

"What about the kids?" She wondered aloud.

"Oh, they'll be in there. In fact, they will be a big part of the new chapter, hopefully with kids of their own soon. I intend to spoil my grandchildren rotten." I declared.

"It will be nice to have grandchildren. I can't wait. However, they both need to finish college and find their true love first." She said.

"True love." I thought to myself. Is there such a thing? Do we have soulmates? I thought Selma was my "true love" and my "soulmate", for life. It turned out she was only that for about 15 years. Perhaps she never was. Perhaps it was all a pipe dream, it all went up in smoke in the span of seconds, 8 years ago.

We drove on in silence. After about 15 minutes she said, "I'm sorry."

"For what? I asked.

"For everything." She responded.

Everything. How can someone be sorry for everything? Was she sorry that we ever met? Was she sorry that we started dating? Was she sorry that we fell in love? Was she sorry we got married? What about the kids, was she sorry we had them? Was she sorry she had an affair, or that I caught her? Was she sorry that I wouldn't just accept it and let everything go back to normal? Or was she sorry she was divorcing me? I surely ain't sorry for that. I only wish she hadn't beaten me to the punch.

She was crying softly to herself. Why was she crying? She's the one that made the decision to get a divorce. So had I, but she didn't know that. I think she was crying because I was taking it so unemotionally, as if I didn't care.

I cared. I cared greatly. I cared greatly that I had spent 8 years of my life waiting for my kids to leave the house. I cared greatly that I went all in on a woman that couldn't stay true to me. I cared greatly that all my life plans were destroyed because she had to have a little "harmless fun."

I let her cry. I didn't say anything. I drove on in silence. It was a comforting silence, to me. She didn't know what else to say and I didn't want to say anything else to her, except maybe, "I hope some day you realize what you gave up just so you could have your "harmless fun."

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We arrived at home and went into the house. She stayed downstairs as I went up to the master bedroom and started moving my clothes into Ashley's bedroom. Ashley had pretty much stripped it of all her belongings so she could have them in her dorm room. This room would suffice until Selma moved out, then I would move back into the master bedroom. We would be putting the house up for sale, but in todays market we'd be lucky to sell it within 6 months. We had taken a home equity loan out last year, before the real estate market crashed, so we would be lucky to get out of it what we owed. At least the kid's tuition was funded, for the next couple years at least.

Selma was in the kitchen, making dinner I suspect. I was almost through moving all my stuff when she came upstairs.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

She could see what I was doing. She just didn't know why.

"I've moved my things into Ashley's room." I said, matter-of-factly.

She looked at me and then asked the stupid question, "Why?"

I turned around from putting the last of my socks into the dresser and just looked at her.

"You didn't need to do that." She stated. "We could have spent the next 6 weeks sleeping in the same bed."

"It's best this way." I said, no emotion in my voice.

"Nothing has to change." She said. "We could still act like a regular married couple."

We haven't been a regular married couple for the last 8 years. Sure, there were times that we laughed, had fun, did things that every married couple does. There were even good times throughout those years. There were times that I didn't even think about her betrayal, but whenever we started to get physical, sexually, the memories would always come back. Our "lovemaking" was "good", but it was never "great" after that time. Always in the back of my mind I was holding back from being in the moment. I'm sure she felt it too.

"Selma," I said, "In six weeks you'll be gone, but in truth you've been gone to me for 8 years."

I know that hurt. I could see it on her face. If she had any reservations about her decision to get a divorce, they were gone now. She knew I had no reservations. It was the right decision for both of us.

She hesitated, turned around, and then said, "Dinner will be ready in about 15 minutes."

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The next 6 weeks were filled with packing up things. We had spoken to a Realtor and listed the house. He said that in the present market it may take up to 6 months, or more, to sell. I would stay until it was sold.

Breaking the news to the kids was something we did together. We drove to each of their colleges and took each out to a nice restaurant.

Jason took it the hardest. We all had wet eyes as we discussed the divorce. It would be amicable. "Although we still love each other, we have grown apart." We told him. He would learn the truth a couple months later when he confronted me on why we were getting a divorce. I couldn't lie to him, I told him everything.

Ashley's reaction surprised both of us.

We sat down and started our meal. She could tell something was up. We had asked Jason not to say anything, but I'm sure he mentioned something that put her in that mood.

Selma said, "Honey, we need to talk."

She came back with, "Yeah, I guess we should." There was not a lot of emotion in her voice.

"Honey, there's no easy way to say this." She hesitated and then said, "Your Dad and I are getting a divorce."

After a second or so she said, "Okay."

I had a flashback to 8 years ago. My daughter was more like me than I realized. She stoically handled the situation, no emotion at all.

This attitude caused Selma to stammer as she tried to console Ashley. Ashley said, "I understand Mother, I'm not a little girl anymore. I can handle it.

I had thought we had shielded our children from our problems 8 years ago. Those comments from her made me think that as much as we tried to hide it, she knew. Perhaps she had overheard an argument we were having and had kept it inside this whole time. I felt sorry for her, she shouldn't have had to concern herself, at that young age, with problems we were having.

The rest of the meal was a somber affair. She did, truly, seem to be okay with it all. We were the ones that were having a hard time dealing with our daughter's reaction.

The day came when Selma left for Atlanta. We didn't say a lot. She told me, "I still love you."

I told her, "I wish you success in your job and your life."

She then said, "If you need anything, let me know."

"Selma, we'll see each other at the special times; graduation, weddings, and births of our grandchildren, let's be cordial and pleasant to one another."

"Of course, we will, Kurt, and we'll both spoil grandchildren like we had always planned."

I smiled and said, "I know I will!"

She smiled at that too.

It was a little surreal that night, wandering around that empty house. She had taken photos, knickknacks, and a few pieces of furniture as well as her clothes and jewelry. It made the house seem emptier than it really was. However, if I had to be honest, she had taken something out of the house 8 years ago that made it feel emptier back then too.

The weeks turned into months, and finally the divorce was granted. No fanfare, just a letter in the mail stating that I was now a single man. I didn't celebrate, how could I, it felt like somehow I had failed.

I didn't hear from Selma, but I'm sure she received the same notice. It probably wasn't any big thing. I'm sure she had moved on and started dating again already. I, however, would take my time getting involved again.

Ashley had called me that next week. I guess Selma must have called her. Ashley wanted to sit down and talk to me. I told her, "Sure, honey, can you come home this weekend? We can talk then."

"Sure dad. I'll be home Friday night."

When we sat down for our talk, she told me something that made me sad for my daughter.

"Dad, I knew something was wrong over 8 years ago. I overheard you and mom arguing. I didn't understand it at the time. You had accused her of cheating. I knew from our game nights that cheating was wrong. I just couldn't see why it was that big of a deal. I didn't understand it, until a few years later, that you had been arguing about mom cheating with another man. I had also heard that you wouldn't get a divorce 'for the kids'."

We hashed out all about what had happened. She understood what I did, and why. It felt good to talk it all out. She told me that she never told Jason. She knew Jason wouldn't be able to handle it. He idolized his mom. My daughter was a tremendous person. She would be a great mom.

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Three years later I finally met someone that changed my life completely. I was 48 and was a little hesitant to get involved with someone. I met a 40 year old woman named Jackie. She was a divorcee with two kids, actually young adults, 18 and 20, a girl and boy respectively. She had chosen, 6 years ago, not to wait till the kids had grown up, she divorced her cheating husband.

When we first started dating, having been set up on a blind date, we both still had trust issues. I didn't want to waste her time, so on the first date I told her all about my past failure and told her, "I have trust issues because of it."

She looked at me with a tear in her eye and told me she understood "completely."

We moved slow, trying to guard ourselves, yet also trying to open ourselves up to one another a little bit at a time. After 6 months we finally trusted each other enough to consummate our relationship. To say I was nervous is an understatement. She was the first person I had been with, other than my wife, for over 25 years.

We fumbled our way through it, laughing occasionally at the awkwardness of different situations. We finally found our rhythm though and spent a few good hours learning each other's bodies and what we each liked and disliked.

Our relationship progressed and her kids, Aaron and Julie, seemed to accept and even like me. My kids had met her and her kids and liked them as well. Our kids even started going out to the bar together and seemed to hit it off. I couldn't have been happier.

After 2 years of dating we got hitched. It was a small ceremony, but it was a joyous one. Jackie and I spent a week in Hawaii enjoying the sights, and one another.

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It's now 2020 and I'm sitting here thinking about my life. Jackie and I have just welcomed our 3^rd grandchild into the world. Her son, Aaron, had married 3 years ago and got started on a family almost right away. Not to be out done, her daughter Julie had gotten married 18 months ago and had also started their family right way.

That made me think of my own kids, Jason and Ashley. Jason had had 3 "serious" relationships, but when the women started pressuring him to make commitment, he couldn't. Each of them broke it off, looking for someone that they could spend a lifetime with.

Ashley had gotten married 4 years ago, but was adamant that she was not going to have any children. Her husband felt no need to change that. He liked their freedom.

So, I spoil my grandchildren from my second marriage. I don't know if I'll ever have any grandchildren from my own kids, after talking to Jason and Ashley I kind of doubt it. I don't see Ashley changing her mind and I think Jason will be a lifelong bachelor.

Selma never got remarried, choosing rather to date instead. She keeps bugging Jason and Ashley for grandchildren. I think she will continue to be disappointed.

I ran into Sheila last week. She told me that she was a grandmother 5 times over. Her kids were both married and living great lives. It seems that after the tumultuous teen years they settled down, got degrees, good jobs, and found their soulmates.

Hearing that made me wonder. Had I done the right thing by my kids. Did the 8 years of being married just "for the kids" do irreparable harm to their psyche? Is that why one can't commit and the other doesn't want to bring any children into this world? I just don't know, but one thing keeps coming back to me. It's something Sheila had said that fateful day.

I had said that, "I need to start thinking about my kids, and what's best for them."

She had replied, "And you, Kurt, don't forget to take into account what is best for you."

I wonder how my life, and the lives of my children, would be different if I had taken that advice.