Forgive?

"Baby, that's great!"

"I couldn't ask for a better situation. There are a few times I need to travel for trade shows this coming year, and after that, I can contract out the setup and on-site coordination for the coming years. With that in mind, I think we can start to plan for babies in about 4 or 5 months. Is that okay?"

"I think that will work great. But didn't your doctor want you off the pill after this month?"

"Yeah. I have two weeks of pills left. Then, we'll need to use condoms for 4 or 5 months. Does that bother you?"

"We never had to use them before, so I guess it will be a new experience. And maybe we'll have to focus more on some of our other favorite orgasmic delights."

"I know. Your favorite position is the only one that's numbered," she laughed with a naughty smile.

"Baby, my favorite position is any position with you. It amazes me that I've loved you all my life, and yet my love for you keeps growing and growing."

We kissed passionately just as our special dessert arrived, and the entire restaurant all sang 'Happy Anniversary' to us. We finished the night dancing at a local club, then spent the weekend practicing every way we could for making children.

Chapter 5: 6 Months of the Condoms

Beth started her new role on the first of the year. She was bubbling with excitement now that she could do one of two jobs she always wanted. The other job, of course, was the role of motherhood and plans were in place to make that happen soon.

I didn't think it was possible, but the frequency of our intimacy was even greater than it had been. Neither of us liked the condoms very much, but we knew it was a temporary shield to be sure the timing was right when we were ready for our family to grow.

March was a beautiful month. During the first week, we took possession of our new home that my family and I built. Beth and I christened the shower before a single piece of furniture arrived. There would be a lot of fun in this wild, wet, and wonderful space. We spent the month painting and decorating before filling the house with some old furniture, lots of new pieces, and all of our stuff.

The other event in March was the birth of our first nephew, Paul Junior. My brother, Paul, and Melody, Beth's sister and Paul's wife, welcomed the 8-pound 4-ounce bundle of joy on the 15^th. Beth was there for the delivery and managed to be the first to hold him.

I came to the hospital after work and walked into the room without Beth noticing me as she held the newborn. The sight captured my heart and brought tears to my eyes as a misty-eyed Beth looked up at me—her face shining with visions of what we could expect in the future.

"Hi, Sweetie," she whispered with a loving glow.

"Baby, you look like you're enjoying holding little Paul too much. Are you giving him back to his mommy?" My tears communicated my thoughts. I couldn't wait for this scene with my own children.

"Oh, Nate. I can't wait to hold our first little one. A few more months, and we need to get to work."

"As much as I like the practice, we're almost ready for the real thing."

Paul and Melody asked us to be Godparents and we eagerly agreed. The dedication service a month later was a major celebration for both families, and Beth and I had to respond to the same comment it seems hundreds of times—"You two are next." Our answer was always the same—"It won't be too much longer."

Our schedules were getting very crowded in May. Freed & Sons had a large new project starting, and Beth was gearing up for the trade show season. In June she had travel planned 2 weeks in a row for 2 major water treatment shows. That was our milestone. When she returned, no more condoms—it was 'baby-making' time. But even with full schedules, our 'baby-making' practice remained hot, heavy, and often. We were up to two or more times a day.

It's hard to explain how much we loved each other. Most people don't have a spouse that was their lifemate from the time they were toddlers. I knew marriage was the binding of two into one, but Beth and I grew up that way. Have you ever seen two trees planted so close together that they became one as they grew? That was as close to an accurate description as I could find. Every time I saw her my heart fluttered and my emotions soared. When she saw me, her face lit up as if midnight turned to noon-day brightness.

At work one day I needed a small mental break and, as was my habit, I stopped working and let my thoughts drift to Beth. If she wasn't with me, I missed her. I occasionally stopped at the local bar for an hour or so after work with friends, but I didn't need or want a night out with the boys. I did a men's hiking weekend once but was miserable the whole time. I kept thinking of things I'd rather do with Beth. The guys told me I was pathetic, but most admitted they envied what Beth and I had.

As my thoughts continued to dwell on Beth, a sudden realization hit me. Not once since the incident in fifth grade have we had a fight. Sure, we had some minor disagreements about small decisions, but they ended quickly—usually with her being right or winning the decision. I was okay with that. Her happiness was my highest priority.

I thought it was funny that we actually discussed ground-rules for major disagreements even though we never needed them. The rules were simple—never go to bed angry, and never leave the house until everything was resolved. My thoughts stayed focused on how fortunate we were, but then a shiver of fear shot up my spine. 'What would happen if we did have a fight? Beth was the only one who could calm my temper. What if she, somehow, was the cause?' I couldn't envision such a scenario, and yet I suddenly feared it.

Chapter 6: The Trips

June arrived. I dreaded the events ahead. Beth would be on the two business trips she planned. She would be in Chicago the entire second week from Monday to Sunday, then in San Antonio from the following Wednesday through Sunday. Since our wedding, we had never been apart for more than a day.

Beth, feeling the same separation anxiety, made arrangements so I was taken care of. She made sure I had every evening occupied. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights I would have dinner at Paul and Melody's house. Tuesday and Thursday, I'd be at her sister, Trish's home with her husband Sean. Saturday, my parents were to keep me occupied. And, of course, Beth would call every night.

Monday, the first day of her trip, my phone rang just as I got home from Melody and Paul's.

"Sweetie, you miss me?"

"This is only day one and I'm a mess, Baby. I need more pillows tonight to hug, but you're irreplaceable."

"I don't know how people do this business travel. I'm not made for it. I'm sitting alone in a cold hotel room feeling incredibly lonely."

"Is anyone else there from your company?"

"Not yet. They all arrive on Wednesday. Until then I'm here alone getting the trade show booth set up and the hospitality suite ready. So, it was just me in this big suite with room service for dinner."

"You're in a suite?"

"Yeah. On Thursday and Friday, we have invitations out to customers to come here for appetizers and drinks. I stay in an attached bedroom, but the suite is a big party room that holds about 40 people. Being big seems to make it even lonelier."

We talked for an hour. It felt the same as when we were teenagers and we already had a strong love for each other. Being apart made us ache.

Every day our conversation was similar. I wanted to dive into the phone and hold her. I could hear the loneliness in her voice, and I know she felt mine. I didn't hide it very well. We tried phone sex one night.

"Beth, was that good for you?"

"It didn't feel bad. How about you?"

"Honestly, it felt empty and a little selfish. Don't get me wrong—orgasms are fine. But it's being with you, holding you, kissing you, and touching you that makes sex so good. This was...well... just a little weird. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah. Very empty feeling. How can I be so horny for you afterward?"

"I think we both know. I vote we never do this again. I want you here with me. What do you think?"

"It was worth a try, but I'm with you. I'm done with that experiment."

That Thursday and Friday were late nights for her, so we arranged to talk before the hospitality suite opened at 6 PM. It was 7 PM my time, so she called early enough to give us an hour before she had to get to work.

Saturday was the last night I'd be without her until the next trip. She was flying home in the morning. Beth called at 5.

"Hi, Nate."

"Baby, are you okay? You sound awful."

"Sorry. I'm really tired from tearing down the booth today, and this week has really worn me down. I really miss you!"

She was crying, and that opened my tear ducts too.

"You know how much I love you, Beth?"

She cried even harder. This week was difficult for us both, but it seemed to really affect her.

"Baby, don't cry. We can make up for the lost time when you get home tomorrow."

She struggled for several minutes to get any composure while I tried to calm her down.

"Nate, I miss you so much, and I'm tired, I don't feel that good. I just need to go to bed."

After a very short goodbye and exchanged words of love, our unusually quick call ended. It felt strange. It seemed neither one of us were made to be apart.

Saturday night was an exceptionally restless night. I was miserable. Our call upset me and all I wanted was Beth in my arms. I awoke Sunday morning and felt sick from working myself up all night. I never missed church, but that day I did. Beth would be home by 2 in the afternoon, and I couldn't calm myself down from the anticipation.

I heard her car door close and ran outside to greet her. We locked in an embrace and bawled our eyes out. I didn't know if I could take this again the following week.

I kissed her, but she seemed embarrassed to kiss through the slobbering tears. She walked towards the house as I retrieved her luggage. When I entered the house, I didn't see her.

"Beth, where are you, Baby?" I called several times.

"Back here, in the bathroom."

I went to our room, sat on the bed, and waited for her to come out. When she did, her face was red from all the crying and she looked incredibly sad. She had on pajamas, which I thought was strange.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry Nate," she mumbled as tears flowed again. "I wanted today to be so special, but I don't feel well. I need to lie down a bit."

"Sure, Baby." I pulled back the covers to let her lie down. I felt her forehead for a temperature, and while it didn't seem too warm, it was a little elevated. That could have just as easily been from crying. I gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I'll get you a glass of ginger ale, and let you rest."

When I returned, she appeared to be asleep. I considered climbing next to her but thought better of it assuming she needed to rest.

I tried to watch TV but I ended up just pacing or restlessly sitting. I've never seen Beth like this in all the years I've known her. I was scared. I prayed she wasn't coming down with something serious. I kept checking on her and she just slept. I felt her forehead almost every hour and made sure she was breathing normally.

My emotions were raging battles within my mind and spilling over into my restless gut. I was overjoyed she was here but despondent that I couldn't hold her—kiss her—make mad, passionate love to her. She stayed in bed right through the night.

The next morning when I awoke, Beth was in the shower. We normally showered together every morning. I went into the bathroom and she had just come out of the shower.

"Good morning, Baby." I kissed her and she gave me a quick peck. "You didn't wait for me," I said with a playful pout.

"Sorry. I need to get to the office since I only have two days before I have to leave again."

"Are you feeling good enough to go in today?"

"I have to," she said as she ran out of the bathroom to get dressed.

I did my morning routine, got my shower, and went to the bedroom hoping to talk to her a minute. She wasn't there.

"Beth?"

"Bye, Nate. See you tonight," I heard as the front door closed.

She was back from her trip, but I felt like she was still gone. What was going on? I'd never seen her like this. I hoped by tonight, things could be back to normal.

I went to work feeling empty. Dad and my brothers wanted to know what was wrong and I tried to tell them, but I didn't have a clue.

At four in the afternoon, I got a text message.

[Beth] I have too much to do and will be home late. Don't hold dinner or wait up.

I tried to call, but she didn't answer. I texted, but I could see the message didn't go through. I guessed her phone died if she forgot to charge it last night. Even so, this wasn't Beth. I've never seen her this way.

I was in bed when she arrived home at 11:30. She stripped to her panties and put on a T-shirt as she walked to the bed and climbed in behind me before I knew she was there. She spooned me and held me tightly.

"Nate, are you awake?"

"Yes. What's going on?"

"Nothing, Sweetie. I'm sorry," she cried. "I need to get some sleep."

I was in her arms, so I was semi-content. But my gut wouldn't stop churning.

Tuesday morning was almost identical to Monday. Now I was in full panic mode. The day at work was unbearable because I knew something was wrong and I had no idea what it was. I knew her well. She couldn't hide it when something was wrong.

As I was stewing that afternoon, my phone pinged with a text. I feared a repeat of the day before.

[Beth] Nate, we're going to Melody and Paul's tonight. Meet you there after work.

This was strange, but at least we'd be together.

I arrived at Melody and Paul's, and Beth was already there. I walked in and found Paul holding Paul Jr., but no sign of Beth or Melody.

"Hey, Paul. Where are the girls?"

"They wanted some 'sister-time' in the backyard. They'll be in shortly."

They came in about 10 minutes later with serious faces. Beth gave me a peck on the cheek and went right to the kitchen to help Melody put dinner out.

"Paul, what's going on?"

"I don't know. Beth was here when I got home. They handed Junior to me and asked me to watch him while they talked for a while."

Dinner wasn't silent, but it was subdued for sure. Beth wasn't Beth. Her smile, that constant glow, the sparkle in her eyes, were all missing. She kept glancing at Melody but didn't seem able to look at me. My temper was rising, and I felt myself on the edge of losing control. I knew without a doubt she was trying to hide something, and I also knew she couldn't. I fought myself to let her drive things at her own pace to address whatever she was holding back.

After dinner, the girls took 45 minutes to clean up and take care of the dishes. I heard mumbling and whispering coming from the kitchen, but I couldn't make out what was being discussed.

When they finally came out to the family room, Beth came over and gave me a kiss that was closer to what I needed. She had a smile, but something about it didn't seem natural.

"Nate, why don't you head home, and I'll be right behind. I want to help Melody put little Paul down for the night."

"You may want to find a different name for little Paul, Beth," Paul laughed. "That what Melody calls my...my little soldier. That could give a whole new meaning to what you just said!"

Normally, we all would have found the humor in Paul's comment. He laughed, I chuckled, Melody hit him on the arm, but not with a smile. Beth quickly turned and scooped up Paul Junior.

As Beth and Melody went up the stairs, I yelled goodbye and thanked Melody for dinner. I didn't get a reply. I looked at Paul.

"Bro, what the hell is going on?"

"Man, Nate, I don't have a clue. I thought you did."

"Look, I'm heading on home. See if Melody knows anything and I'm going to have a serious talk with Beth once she gets home. See you in the office tomorrow."

I could have powered the car with the steam coming out of my ears on the drive home. I was determined. Whatever was going on would come out tonight come hell or high water.

I opened the door at 9:00 assuming Beth would be right behind me. She came in at 11:15, and my anger was more than evident.

The door wasn't closed before I yelled out, "WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?"

Beth collapsed, wracked in tears to the point she couldn't begin to talk. I ran to her and embraced her. She couldn't stop, so I carried her to the bedroom and sat her on the bed. She continued to cry as she stripped to her bra and panties.

"Lay with me and hold me," she begged through the tears.

I stripped to my boxers and spooned in behind her.

"Tell me what's happening," I begged.

She cried a bit more. "I hate this business travel. I really hate it. Let me get through this next damn trip." Beth cursed. She never cursed. She didn't even use generic equivalents like 'darn' or 'poop.'

"And then what?" I still had no answer.

"We'll get things back to normal," she muttered.

I hated seeing her cry like this. Something was causing it, and she was not telling me. My temper subsided, but my heart ached. My stomach churned. I knew she would tell me eventually, but it would be in her own good time.

We showered together in the morning, but there was only a little touching and caressing. Making love was not offered. My overtures for coupling were not accepted. It was better, but it's not over—whatever the hell 'it' was.

Beth flew to San Antonio that day. I went to work and questioned Paul about his talk with Melody.

"Did Mel give any clue to what's going on with Beth?"

"No. She claimed sister-sister privilege. Whatever it is, she seemed to think things will be okay."

That pissed me off even more because now I knew for sure that something was up, and Beth wasn't telling me. My insides were churning constantly. I couldn't focus on anything else.

Beth and I talked every day, but short and cordial conversations only. For every call, she had a reason to end the call quickly. Then came Saturday. By 9:00 in the evening, she still had not called. I received a text shortly after 9.

[Beth] Sorry I didn't call. Still tied up tearing the booth down. See you tomorrow.

I broke a few things. I punched 3 holes in the bedroom walls and several more in the living room. My temper was at rage level, and my only source of calm was two-thousand miles away, plus she was the cause. This was new ground for me—for us. For the first time in my life, I understood a little more about the term 'living-hell' and I never wanted it like this again. She'd be home tomorrow. Beth was going to give me some answers. Whether she was ready or not, she was going to give me answers.

Chapter 7: No. Hell, No

I didn't sleep on Saturday night. I had adrenalin surging without an opportunity to release. At 1:00 AM I left the house. I walked. I ran. I found myself in a remote field and screamed over and over again. The problem with walking and running aimlessly is that you forget you have to go back at some point. I was over 5 miles from home, and I wasn't any calmer.

I arrived back home at 7:00 in the morning. I called Paul and told him I'd be missing from church for the second week in a row. He heard it in my voice and didn't offer or give a hint, but 20 minutes later he walked in my door. He saw broken trinkets all around, and several new holes in the wall. I saw him and completely broke down. My brother hugged me like he never had to before.

Minutes passed before I was calm and sat.