Four Times

I saw the slip, even though he recovered quickly. "'That's why this is so right,'" I said shaking my head. "That's what you were about to say, right Steve? Right for who - you two? You both seem to want it to be 'okay' with me, while it's just 'so right' for you.

"You just said you weren't after anything. Great. We're done. You're not after anything, so you don't get anything; not a problem. Temporary insanity, Steve. Plead it right now. Ashley, you too. You're grief-stricken, just like I am. I lost her too. We can all admit we lost our minds, and we can all go get some therapy. The girls are at college, so we have the time. We can get past this. We can stay friends."

It was quiet for a minute. I knew, deep down, it wasn't going to work. I wasn't Steve. Worse, I was beginning to feel in my bones that neither Steve nor Ashley were the people I thought they were.

"Okay, Dean, I do honestly understand a lot of what you're saying." My wife responded, it was clear she was committed to keeping this going. "But the part where you're stuck is also where you have it all wrong. We all agreed to this, and we knew it was going to be hard. If it had been Steve... not Em, it would have been hard for me, when you went to her. But not like you're thinking. I would be sad, for me. I would be committed for Emily, and Steve. I would trust you not to hurt me even more. I'd rely on your love, when you came home... to me. I think, in a way, I'd be jealous, but if you and Emily both convinced me in loving ways - convinced me that we'd all be okay, showed me that nothing had changed - I'd get over it. I'd actually be proud... of myself and both of you."

Double fucking bullshit, Ashley," I said. "You would not have been okay with it. I know you too well." I didn't know her at all, apparently. "But wait - there's more. You skipped straight ahead to me 'going to' Em. Well guess what? If ever, ever, in a million fucking years, would I have ever even considered doing that... it would've had to have been because you and Emily both begged me. No hesitation. Me, legitimately fearing that you'd both gone totally insane with grief over the loss of our dear friend over here.

"She was like a fucking sister to me, Ashley," I said. I let disgust permeate my voice. "You and her were the ones that helped me realize that, all those years ago! I wouldn't have wanted to fuck her, and, I wouldn't have wanted to cause you a single moment of discomfort, pain, mistrust or jealousy."

"Then why did you sign, Dean?" she asked. "Why?"

"Okay," I sighed, staring daggers at Steve. "I guess we're really doing this. I guess all this happiness was on a credit after all."

"You're not making any sense, honey," Ashley said. "You're scaring me a little."

I folded my arms and returned my gaze to her. "Car engines," I said. "Go."

Steve shifted uncomfortably. Ashley just sat there, confused.

"Steve and I talked about them literally all the time, Ashley," I said, feigning surprise. "We were both so passionate about them. It was clearly important to us. You, loving and attentive spouse that you are, surely took an interest because we were so interested. You really tried to keep pace, right?"

"That was your thing," Ashley said. "We didn't want to intrude, and, no, I wasn't all that interested. And that's okay."

"Mmmm," I said. "Well, honey, since I'm basically blowing up the illusion of our happy marriage anyway, I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I think you're going to connect these dots, so I'm going to do it for you and move this along. You and Em had your thing, that Steve and I had no fucking interest in. But you insisted. You pushed. But you didn't even do that in good faith.

"Fucking lawyer boy over here," I jerked my head towards Steve, "if he had an ounce of honesty and decency in him, would back me up on this. He would rant about how you guys wanted our attention, but didn't actually want us to pay real attention to this oath, pledge, and promise stuff. Steve actually tried to engage, once or twice. I know you remember. He got burned so badly, by both of you - but especially by Em. You two didn't want to hear it. You made it abundantly fucking clear that us smiling, nodding, and pretending to care just enough so that you never felt threatened in the slightest - 'void for vagueness,' right old buddy old pal? - was part of the price we needed to pay to keep our marriages healthy. And we fucking paid it. And I told Steve that that's how it was.

"But I was wrong," I said. "Credit. Turns out we were just racking up the debt, and now it's all coming due. And I'm not going to say what I really want to say about Steve the lawyer, and how he makes out in this situation, because I have too much respect for Emily to say it. I'm still willing to assume that all three of us are genuinely grieving her loss, rather than looking forward... to certain things."

Steve shifted again. I'd gotten under his skin. He wanted to get up and give me a big "Fuck you!" I had to give him credit that he didn't. He knew he was in a hole.

Ashley shook her head. "You're in so much pain, Dean," she said. "Steve is too. So am I, but this oath we took... it's something I need to do, for both of them. You said it yourself, in a very, very hurtful way. Em and I took this seriously. I still do. Can't you respect that? Can't you find a way to see this as honoring Emily's sincere wishes?"

"I've already spoken ill of the dead, so no," I said. "Don't keep making me do it, Ashley. Stop being a fucking lunatic."

"Okay, that's it, buddy," Steve said. "You don't talk to your wife like that, or else-"

"Or else she's going to go fuck some other guy, and probably divorce me, and shack up with him instead?" I finished for him. "Here's some advice: that's something you need to threaten a guy with before you and his wife tell him that you want to cuckold him. If you fuck the order up, he gets the crazy idea in his head that that's gonna happen anyway. Didn't they teach you how to lay a proper guilt trip in law school, Steve? I'm kinda shocked you're so bad at it. Not your particular area of expertise?"

"It's not going to happen," Ashley cut in. She had real steel in her voice. "I'm not going to leave you, and certainly not for Steve. That's not what this is about. It never was, and it never will be."

That actually left me speechless. I didn't believe her, necessarily, but she sounded more than sincere. She sounded adamant. That, in turn, made me believe that she really had lost a good chunk of her mind. I just didn't know what do about that. She was a crazy person who genuinely believed that she needed to hurt her husband - probably destroy her marriage - to stay loyal to her dead friend, by fucking that dead friend's widower exactly four fucking times.

Ashley said. "This conversation is over... for now."

The pause had already made my blood start boil, even before the all-too-predictable hammer dropped after it.

"Both of you apologize to each other," she said. "You're best friends. Act like it."

I wanted to laugh in her face. I couldn't. They say that some things are so horrible that you only have two options: laugh, or cry. I'd discovered something beyond that, where I could do neither. I didn't apologize. Steve didn't either. I just walked away.

Ashley was the double-edged sword at the center of my fear and my misery. It made me consider things I should never have had to consider. That's what I did, there, in the darkness.

If I were to take Steve and Ash at face value - that they were both honest and sincere in all of this - then I could recognize that Ashley's did in fact feel an overpowering need to honor a dire promise she'd made. Steve, of course, if he was being honest, saw the sex as a big nothing - no "there" there. When Ashley had put her foot down and insisted that "they" were never going to happen, I'd gotten nothing from him - not a hint of surprise or disappointment.

The problem was I didn't believe them. There'd been those looks when we'd taken the girls to school. They'd ganged up on me, even before making it plain earlier that night. That wasn't what honest people did. A pact between four should've been discussed amongst all the surviving members, right off the bat. If any one-on-one could have been justified in any way, it would've been between husband and wife.

From my earlier counseling, along with what I'd seen and heard from Ashley and Steve, provided two conclusions, and the beginnings of my action plan. Steve and I were finished. It was crystal clear what his game was here. Ashley was trickier. If she really and truly believed she needed to blow up her entire world, just to make good on this stupid promise, then there would be some hope for us, through therapy. To me, that meant deep, clinical therapy. That also fell under the vows of 'in sickness or in health.' However, if I determined that Ashley was doing the same as Steve - mainly using this fucking oath as a means to have permissive sex with my former friend - then we were done.

When morning came, I focused on protecting myself. I cleared out the spare room, and made plans to purchase an air mattress as soon as possible. I held out the vain hope that the two of them would just let it go. That didn't last long at all. Ashley came right back to it that night.

"Honey, that was probably a mistake, last night," she said apologetically. "I never stopped to consider that I put two men, friends or not, into some sort of competition. Women don't think that way. I understand that now. That's why number fourteen was on that list to begin with. We would have gladly, proudly given that of ourselves... Em and I. We'd both already been with both of you guys in that sense anyway. I guess it's true that women will never understand men's pride and ego."

"But they'll agree to the marriage vows anyway, despite not 'understanding' them," I shot back.

It didn't even feel good to rhetorically slap her about anymore. She was impenetrable, and it was frustrating. I could see she was equally frustrated. We were at an impasse.

"Dean, honey, I have to do this!" she burst out. "I don't want to ruin us; please, honey, I'll do everything and anything to not let that happen. I promise you I will not become attached to him, like you might be imagining, and I'll do everything in my power when it's over to get us back - or maybe forward - to what we always had, and more."

What if it's not enough to actually get us back there?" I asked simply.

She sobbed but caught herself. "It has to be possible. I couldn't live without you, and I couldn't live without your love. I promise, I'll do anything in my power to help you... afterwards, and I'll prove my undying love for you. I'll do anything to take away your pain!"

"Anything, except call it off." I said. I stood and walked upstairs.

We discussed our dilemma every night that week. I heard very little from Steve. He seemed to be laying low in hopes that my wife could handle me. I must say our conversations were a mixed bag, but the one constant was that we made no headway. She'd worn me down a little with all the love and kumbaya shit, but I remained skeptical. I couldn't get over the fact that this felt premeditated - and not by Ashley and Em, but by Ashley and Steve. They'd poisoned the well. It was that they were in this together, I'd finally realized. That changed the dynamic. They - both of them - were just being selfish. I decided to use the emotion to my advantage that night.

"Dean, look at me," she began, "I love you. Do you believe that?"

I nodded slowly, and then went to say something, but she stopped me.

"I know you love me," she continued. "I do not love Steve the way I love you. I do love him as a friend, but I will never have the feelings for him that I do for you, my husband. I have to do this. I promised. I loved her too, damn it. Just like both of you. I won't be able to live with myself if I renege on this oath. It means so very much to me. Even knowing how I'm hurting you, and maybe jeopardizing our marriage, I cannot back out. Further, in hopes that my honesty counts for something here, I plan to complete the task exactly in the spirit of how it was intended. The first time will be for Emily. I'll do my best to love on him, take away his pain and suffering, because that's exactly what she'd want. That was the entire point of the pledge."

Tears came to my eyes, realizing she wasn't taking no for an answer anymore. When she noticed, Ash came and sat almost on my lap and held my hand in both of hers.

"We realized what we were doing, and what we were asking, when we wrote it. Nothing was taken lightly, taken for granted or left out. We weren't writing it as some giddy high schoolers."

"Yes you fucking were, Ashley," I sighed. "You didn't actually want me to pay attention and care back then. You knew I'd push back if I did, and you knew you wouldn't be able to justify something so extreme in the plain light of day."

She just ignored my comment and ploughed on.

"The second time is for you." She stated as lovingly as she could. "Depending on who this happened to, we agreed it should be for the opposite spouse. That's because we realized right away, that we'd be asking an awful lot of that person. The second time is for them - in this case for you - because you're giving up the most. You're making the ultimate sacrifice for the person you lost, and for the others you didn't. You get nothing out of it, except grief."

As she stopped to take a breath, I jumped in. "This is insanity. I've known you too long to think you even believe what you're saying. I suppose the last two times are for you and fucking Steve-O? Except it won't only be two more times in the sack, but a bunch of post orgasmic talk about how to get hubby back on board... to make him forgive and forget, or just accept it."

"Won't you listen?" she pleaded. "Won't you let me show you how much we thought about this? How we considered every angle?"

"No," I said. "I won't. And here's one more thing that you'll never understand: Steve knows it too. He's just playing along because he stands to gain. He does not respect this, Ashley. I told you: he was the one who wanted to actually confront you two about this stuff, pay real attention to it, and engage with all the gory details. And, again, I am so tired of repeating myself: you and Emily knew that that would be bad for your bender, so you played the 'upset wives' card. Fuck me, it made me seem like the smart one when I told him to just let it go, smile, and nod. Fuck. Me.

"Now," I continued, "he's playing up to it. I could just say 'we'll see' and leave it there, but if I do and it doesn't work out like you say, everyone loses, except Steve, of course. He'll lay there in bed with you pretending to plan out how to make ole' Dean feel better. You won't even consider that all that is happening is still both of you together, against me, conspiring how to bring me back into the fold.

"Then," I took a deep breath. "When your plans don't work, like I'm telling you now that they won't, he'll change his tune. Dean's intractable. Dean's a fucking baby, fucking pussy. I never saw this side of Dean. I thought he was more mature than that. And finally Ashley, he'll say, 'I guess Dean never really loved you at all. Or his Mount Everest pride and ego won't let him. I never thought I'd say this Ash, but you should dump the loser. I know I'm finished with him.'"

We were both in tears. I barely had the strength to actually cry. They just welled up, stung, and then dripped out.

"Dean," She wasn't going to let go. "First things first and I'll say it again: I'm not in love, nor will I ever be, with Steve. That's why we made the switch in college. There was sex, but no spark. I envision my upcoming time with him as cathartic, antiseptic, and honestly, mostly talking. Not anything like what we have. I don't even think intimacy is the right word. Release is probably a better way to look at it.

"Second, I may feel some guilt, or he may. It's more likely that he will. He loves you Dean, like a brother. If either of us does, it will be up to the others to help remove that guilt, just like it will my job and Steve's to remove your pain. And that's what we're committed to doing. Of course you'll have to open up and let us in. Steve and I will never be together like that again after our fourth time. But yes, I may talk to him for support, so I can better help you. When you're just plain angry I'll give you space if that happens, not smother you. I won't get angry with you, out of fear. It will be like the pledge you copied for me says. If I do feel fear or anger, I'll take it out on Steve so he can help give me ideas of how to help you.

"The rest unfortunately falls on you, Dean. You're right about that," she said more seriously, squeezing my hand. "Your fingerprint is on that oath as well. You have to find a way to make it about honoring our deceased friend's wishes. You will have to find a way past any hurt feelings or hurt pride. We'll help you in any and every way we can. In the end, it will be on you, to give this to Em, fully. I promise this: I will not turn against you. If you yell at me, if you treat me poorly or call me names, or say unkind and unloving things that stem from your hurt I certainly will not go running to Steve.

She had to take a breath and I think she wanted me to consider all she'd said.

"Don't you see though Ash?" I cut her off. "All of this is unacceptable or unjustified to me. I'm tired and more emotionally drained than since my parents passed. I can only say I'm sure you believe everything you're saying, but, for the last time, I do not."

"Honey, I know you'll do the right thing," she said, sadly. "I know the strong man you are and I know you'll think it through and resolve it. I promise you, with all my heart, on our daughter's life and on Emily's memory; we'll be okay. I will take your pain away, no matter what it takes. I would never intentionally hurt you."

"You already are, Ash," I said shaking my head. "And you don't even see it."

The next night, Ashley announced that the first time would be Saturday night of the current week. I wasn't ready for that at all.

"I spoke to Steve about our conversation last night, and we decided to move the timetable forward, and our thinking was the sooner we get started the sooner it will be done, so you can start healing instead of feeling like shit all the time, and worrying."

I didn't respond positively, at least not how she expected. "Sure," I said defeated. "You and him again."

I made the air quotes again and walked away. Ashley was in for a rude awakening, when she found out the hard way, that she hadn't taken any of my feelings or words into account, and I doubted she would when it was over.

Ashley wanted to mess around in bed that night. I figured 'what the hell.' But even as we started with foreplay, both of us could tell the other wasn't really into it. Our intimacy was already on life support and she hadn't even gone to him yet. The same thing happened on Wednesday, and we both rolled over facing our side of the bed without as much as a 'good night.'

Saturday, I went to an afternoon movie. I hadn't done that in probably a decade. I couldn't be around her while she was getting ready for her big night.

To my surprise, when I got home, Ashley was sitting in the living room. No make-up, a pair of sweat pants, and our college sweatshirt. Immediately, I thought she may have called it off.

She came up to me, said nothing but held me tightly. I knew then she didn't. We just swayed back and forth. I think she was feeling the same as me. Like this may be our last time like this.

"I love you, mister," she tried to say convincingly, but didn't, while looking into my eyes. "I'll always love you no matter what. Don't you dare forget that. I'll be home fairly early. If you don't want to wait up though, I'll understand."