Free Ch. 03

In a deadly even voice, he said, "I'm simply going to have a conversation with Mr. Childs about threatening my wife."

"And what are you going to say to him?"

His eyes were determined. Using the same, calm tone, he said, "Just enough to get my point across. How much or how little I talk depends completely on him."

Oh shit. He was going to kill him.

Traci's first instinct was to panic. She couldn't lose him; not again. If he went back to prison, especially for murder, four years would be a skip in the park compared to what he'd get.

Praying she still had some influence to calm his inner demon, she softened her voice and looked him in the eyes.

"Rick, baby, I need you to stay away from Manny. He's not worth it. You're doing so well. You're trying to find a job, you're being an awesome dad to Anya, and you're staying of trouble. But Manny is..."

"Manny is what?"

She paused to find the way to phrase what she wanted to say. She didn't to patronize him, but she also didn't want to infuriate him with wording that made him sound weak.

Left with no choice but complete honesty, she said, "Manny is still a bad influence on you. Even with you hating him, he has the power to make you the worst version of yourself. He came to me for a reason. He knows which buttons to push to get you to do what he wants."

He released her and turned away as he let a growl come from his throat. He didn't like the fact that she gave her lover that much credit.

"He's not smarter than me, if that's what you're insinuating."

"I'm not." She said quickly. "But you're not in your right mind when it comes to him. He will use that against you."

They were interrupted by Martha's presence. She too just came home from work. Reading the temperature of the room, she looked to her granddaughter and said, "Anya, baby, let's go to the store to get some ice cream."

Are there any other words more musical to the ears of a 5-year-old?

As Martha got her coat on, Traci made eye contact with her mother. An unspoken message of gratitude was passed between them.

Aloud, Martha said, "I think they're out of ice cream at the store down the street, so I'm going to have to go across town. We may be awhile."

Without waiting for an acknowledgment, she took her granddaughter by the hand and walked her out the door. For the first time in forever, Rick and Traci were alone.

"Rick, please promise me that..."

"Did you seduce Manny?" he interrupted suddenly.

There it was. Traci felt like she caught whiplash with the sudden change and was thrown into stunned silence. "What?"

Rick's intent wasn't to talk about this now, but he could no longer put it off. The questions that burned inside of him started forcing themselves out like projectile vomit.

He stepped closer to her. It wasn't menacing or intimidating; just purposeful. When he was close, she could see the irreparable pain in his shimmering eyes. It was pain so deep that she almost lost herself in it.

"When you went to Manny's house that first night. Did you intend on having sex with him?"

This was a pivotal moment. Traci could feel the weight of this question as if it were pressed against her skin.

She knew her husband. She knew how important trust and loyalty was to him. She blew it on the second one. Lying to him now would only make her lose the first.

After that, there would be no coming back for them.

She couldn't look at his eyes anymore. There was so much pain there. And she knew that her honesty would only make it worse. But she promised herself that if he ever spoke to her again, she would not betray his trust again.

Lowering her eyes, she nodded and said, "Yes."

After a moment's pause to recover from the punch to his gut, he asked, "Did you enjoy it?"

Another nod. "Yes."

Anger began to flare his nostrils. Of course, he knew the answer to these questions before he asked them. He'd spent every waking moment analyzing and re-analyzing that conversation with Manny.

Yet, he was somehow unprepared to hear that one three-letter word.

Everything started to come out of him; all at once. There were too many emotions to process. He did the only thing he could in that moment; aim them at her, and fire away.

"How could you even be attracted to someone like him? He's evil. But you found him attractive enough to open your legs and let him fuck you! Why? How?"

Traci was struggling to answer fast enough. Her brain wouldn't keep up. "Baby, I...I..."

"Was it the money?" he shot at her before she could finish her thoughts. The more he talked, the more anguish spilled onto his words. "Is that what you saw in him? Because that's what those other dim-witted bitches see in him. They see the cars, the clothes, the jewelry, and they don't care about the rest. But you're not them! Please tell me you're not one of them!"

"No. That's not it at all."

"THEN WHAT WAS IT? I have to know. I have to make sense out of it. If not, it's gonna drive me crazy!"

"BECAUSE I WAS PISSED AT YOU!" she finally yelled out in an uncontrollable outburst.

Suddenly, her beautiful, almond shaped face morphed. Her forehead creased; her eyes narrowed. Pain mixed with anger. In a voice that harsh and forceful without yelling, she said, "How could you leave me like that. You left me, Rick! You left me for SIX years after promising you'd always be there!"

"I didn't have a choice..."

"YES, YOU DID!" she screamed at him, jabbing her finger into his chest.

Surprised by her outburst, it was his turn to take a defensive step back. She didn't allow it though. The space between them that he created was closed immediately.

Overtaken by rage and pain, she said, "You do NOT get to play the victim on leaving me! Don't you dare! You weren't kidnapped, Rick; YOU WERE ARRESTED! You were put in handcuffs, thrown into a police car, and taken away for crimes that YOU committed. You were convicted in court for CRIMES YOU COMMITTED! YOU WERE SENTENCED TO SIX YEARS FOR CRIMES YOU COMMITTED! So, don't stand there and tell me you didn't have a choice!"

This time, Rick's mouth wouldn't work, and it wasn't by choice. It was because it locked shut by the realization that he had no justification against what she said.

His silence only emboldened her more. She was just getting started.

"Do you know what it was like watching them take everything away from me? The house, the cars, the clothes...YOU. I was left with nothing and no one. I still stuck by you, because my world ends where you begin. After all that...ALL THAT SHIT...you had a second chance to come back to me and Anya. All you had to do was tell them the truth about Manny. I could live without the money and the house; BUT NOT YOU! I needed you! And what did you do?" She threw her hands in the air and shook her head. "You chose to leave us unprotected, knowing how long they were trying to take you away from us, so that you could protect him."

The weight of all her repressed pain was dense. She'd been keeping it in for so long; pressing it down inside of her. She wanted to be strong for Rick because she knew that it was hard for him being locked up. She didn't want him to know how much he humiliated her; how much he hurt her. But those feelings never went away, no matter how much she ignored them. Ironically, not talking about them made them stronger.

She crossed her arms over her breasts and hugged herself. Tears wet her face. All she could do was look away and try to get control of herself.

Rick wanted to say to counter that. He wanted to HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. But even through all the justified anger built up in his belly, he couldn't overlook the fact that she was right.

If he'd made different choices, things would have turned out differently. He wouldn't have gone away, and the two of them would have lived a normal, boring existence.

However, his wife was overlooking one small detail. Her choices.

"You chose me, Traci." He said, looking straight at her. There was no malice in his voice; no anger. With honest determination, he said, "I never...not once...lied to you. I told you exactly who I was. The expensive gifts that I bought for you; you knew where the money came from. All the times I left you in the middle of the night and came back with bloody clothes to burn; you never once asked me about it because you KNEW. You were with me of your own volition, knowing what you knew. Just like I chose to do the things that got me sent to prison, you chose to be with a man who could get sent to prison. So no, YOU don't get to play the victim either."

Traci looked like she was gearing up for a comeback, but her mouth snapped shut. Déjà vu echoed in her head, because that's something that her mother had said over and over. It was only now that she felt what her mother was truly saying.

Neither of them were victims; at least not blameless ones. Their fates were wrapped up in each other's choices, but it always started with their own.

Battle-fatigue set in for the both of them. As seconds ticked away, the contemplative silence between them began to grow. Both were lost in the mazes of their own minds. Her gaze was straight ahead, almost like she was looking through him. He, in turn, was looking at the floor in front of him.

The silence was broken by Traci. With a sigh, she said, "You know what, Rick? You're right. I blamed you for a long time for my humiliation, but truthfully, it was my own choices that led me there. I chose to stick by you no matter what they said in that courtroom. I chose that, and I have to live with it. But you know what?"

She looked him straight in the eyes. There was fiery determination in them, like she was owning her world. Rick's heart started to pound in his chest as he felt the tables of anger turning.

She's going to leave me! I've pushed her too far!

Just when he felt the cold blade of that famous sword, her eyes softened. Her hand reached out, gently taking hold of his.

"I would choose you again. I will always choose you because I don't know how to be without you. Manny can't change that. My mother, being broke, or even you can't change that. No matter how many times I have to choose you, I always will; even when you don't choose me."

She stood with a sad look on her face. Looking down at him, she ended with, "But I'm hoping you will choose me."

With that, she left the room.

***

Rick sat on the that chair for what felt like hours. Thoughts and feelings fought for dominance inside of him. Traci's words hit him with the force of a cyclone.

"Choose me."

She was right about that. He didn't choose her. He chose his street honor over her. He chose his reputation. He refused to be known as the guy who snitched; no matter what the cost.

Well, it cost him his wife and child. Manny may have been like a brother to him, but his actual family was the woman in the courtroom crying when he was dragged away by the police. The pain in her eyes was unmatched by anything else.

Rick felt he owed the man who kept money on his books; but really, he owed the woman who begged her mom for the car so she could drive 3 hours to see her husband.

Money is easy; especially to a man like Manny. Love and time are irreplaceable. That's what Traci gave him. That's what she chose to give him.

A part of Rick felt he owed her forgiveness, while the other part of him told him he was justified in never speaking to her cheating ass again. There were so many questions he had; so much pain in their answers. His head was full of images that he would just as soon forget if he could. Without forgetting, he would never be able to forgive her.

But this wasn't about forgiveness; at least not yet. This was about choice.

Rick rose from the chair and walked towards Traci's room. He almost thought he was going to find the door locked, but he didn't. The knob turned easily, like it was waiting for him. He swung the door open and found Traci lying in bed facing away from him. She was curled into a tight, fetal ball.

Rick heard sniffling.

He went walked into the room, closing the door behind him. The mattress moaned as it sank under his weight. Knowing he was there, Traci still stayed curled up.

He rested his hand on her thigh. Her hand came around and laid on top of his. Still, she stayed in position.

With a sigh, Rick said, "I have so many questions, Trace. I wish I could just forgive you. I know I should. But there are so many things that bother me about this."

She didn't acknowledge that; at least not directly. In a voice drained of energy, Traci said, "I'm tired Rick. I'm just so tired."

He knew she wasn't talking about going to sleep. His head nodded sadly.

He was pretty tired, too.

Her hand tightened around his. At the same time, he felt her tugging. Knowing what she wanted, he surrendered and laid down behind her and formed his body to hers. She pulled his arm snugly around her waist.

He had to admit; this felt good. It felt right.

After a minute of this, he finally broke the silence and said, "I choose you, Traci. But I'm not sure I have what it takes to forgive you. At least not yet."

She lifted his hand to her lips and kissed the back of it. Then, in a hoarse voice that was almost a whisper, she said, "That's a start. I'll take it."

There were so many questions running around his head; so many concerns. But, like she said, he was tired.

They would be revisiting this conversation later. Then, he would be asking the tough questions. But for now, he just needed to hold her.

***

Rick felt a tapping on his shoulder. He snapped awake and turned to find his mother in law looking down at him.

Next to him, Tracy lay asleep in the position he last remembered, in his arms. He didn't even realize he dozed off until this moment.

Wow. He really was tired.

"Hey Martha. What's up?" he said in a half-awake voice.

Martha had to hide her pleased smile as she looked at the two of them. Nothing in her house was broken or damaged, so she could only guess that the talk they had went pretty well.

But she couldn't deal with that right now. There was something strange going on, and it involved her son-in-law.

"Um...there's some lady in my living room asking for you."

Confused, he said, "Huh? Who?"

"I think you need to come out and talk to her yourself."

Rick rose and went into the living room. Sitting on the couch was a woman that he knew well; a woman from years ago.

"Cynthia?"

Upon seeing Rick, she jumped from the couch, ran over to him, and hugged him. Tears were in her eyes.

"Rick." She said with a shaky voice, "Please. We need to talk."

***