Free from Fear

"Simon." My father addressed me in the same authoritative voice that he addressed everyone in this place. I have come to expect nothing less. "I would like you to meet Rebekkah Cateness, she will, in the fullness of time become your wife."

Wow, way to drop it on me. Of course, when making this statement he did not expect that I would argue with him, it's just that I didn't expect this, after all, I have only just turned eighteen and had not given any thought to marriage. Don't get me wrong, I have thought about girls, but in this place, there are limited opportunities for any one on one relationships. Everything was ordained by my father, and the people here knew better than to challenge his authority, after all, it was gifted to him by none other than God Himself.

My father, Simeon Monceux, is the charismatic leader of the ultra-strict Heaven's Gate Christian Church, the headquarters of which he has established in a gated enclave at the top of a fertile valley, many kilometres from any major town in rural Australia. My mother, Rachel, has been with him on his life's journey. My sister Sarah recently married and moved into a new house with her husband, Ryan. They seldom visit, something that has Mother concerned.

In this place his word is law, and obedience is mandatory. If any person defies him, he and his family are shunned, that is stripped of their possessions and driven to the gate to find their own way to search for a new home, for they no longer exist in the eyes of the rest of the community, and no attempt would be made to help them in any way shape or form.

His church is based on community, hard work and devotion to God. His followers meet each evening in the community meeting room before supper for prayer. In these prayers, the world at large does not exist outside this community and the satellite churches that have been 'birthed' around the country. There are no prayers in support of any political leader or government, no prayers are offered up as a solution to any problem concerning refugees and the domestic homeless, or those suffering mental illnesses, because such people are an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.

Prayers are offered up for the healing of the sick, for successful crops, for families, and for a long and happy marriage for any newly-wed couples. This is a given, because divorce does not exist in this community. Death is the only end to a marriage.

I held out my hand to this girl, she had just turned fourteen a week ago, and had reached the age when her future partner was chosen. "I'm very pleased to meet you." This was a part of the formality of this process.

"I am pleased to meet you too." She bobbed a quick curtsy, also a part of the ritual of introduction. She lowered her eyes and blushed. As she slowly raised her head I was given the opportunity to take a closer look at her. I'll give my father this, she is very pretty in a young girl kind of way.

"Now that you have been formally introduced as future marriage partners, you will be allowed to meet each other, in the presence of a chaperone, so that you can get to know each other. But I must warn you that any meeting without your chaperone is forbidden. The temptation for young people to engage in sexual activity prior to marriage is great and, as you are both young, you are not yet ready to resist such temptation, therefore any such meeting is strictly forbidden." This instruction is given, as prescribed by the Laws of the community, to all couples at this time in their relationship. "Any breach of this rule will result in you, both of you, being shunned. Is that understood?"

"Yes Master." We responded. In these matters, he was to be referred to as 'Master', even by me.

The first change, as the children in this place were home-schooled, she was as decreed, to join our family home school consisting of myself as the older sibling, my sister Mary, and my brother John. My mother was our teacher, and as well as the three 'R's she taught the Bible. We had to learn scripture passages by rote, and be able to quickly refer to passages that support whatever we were discussing. The Bible, we were told, was the final answer to all problems.

Mother spent some time with Rebekkah on her first morning at class, I couldn't hear what was being spoken of, but during luncheon, Mother asked me if I would like to be her Tutor in Religious Study. I caught a faint smile on Rebekkah's face when I agreed to do this. This was to be the beginning of troubled times for me.

"I have been thinking." She began one day, I have come to know that this meant trouble for me. "I know that your father preaches all about the love of God and how we are to love our fellow man, but......" She paused to make sure that she had correctly phrased the question. "What happens to those people that are shunned, do you stop loving them?"

"They have transgressed God's Law and are no longer of God, to us they cease to exist." I realised as soon as I said that she would ask more questions.

"But, if God loves everyone, shouldn't we also love them?"

"When my father hands down this, God's punishment on them for their transgression, he is doing God's work."

"Sort of like a policeman for God?"

"You could say that. Look, God wants only those who are pure of heart, so we also only want those who are pure of heart. If a person lacks that purity of heart then that person must suffer the wrath of God."

"So what you are saying is that if your father decides that someone has transgressed, then God has also decided that person should be punished by being shunned?"

"Yes."

"So that means that God is doing your father's bidding."

"No. If a person transgresses, it is against God's Law. Father is administering punishment for an infraction against God's Law."

"What if the transgression is something that is not written in the Bible, how can that be against God's Law?"

"Just as, throughout the Bible, there have been new Laws introduced, God has continued to reveal new Laws to his earthly servants, who write them down in statute so that they come into Law."

"So you cannot challenge these new Laws?"

"No, because they are from God and are of God."

"What if I were to tell you that I do not want to marry you?"

"God has decreed that we are to wed."

"But what if I don't love you?"

"We are to love all people, to not love is against God's Law."

"What if I were to love another?"

"You may love another but not as a wife, that would be adultery and that is a sin. Do you love another?"

"No, at least I do not think so, but what if, in the future, I should fall in love with another as his wife?"

"You would be breaking God's Law."

"And I shall be shunned?"

"Yes, it is God's Law."

"Then I shall have to put my wishes to one side and learn to love you."

"As I will learn to love you." I replied. Even as I made this promise I realised that I was heading in a dangerous direction. Here was my bride to be questioning my father's authority. If I were to mention this conversation to my mother she would have to relay it to my father who would, in all probability, have Rebekkah and her family shunned. "I also make this promise, I will be open to discussions such as this with you in private, in public, the law states that you must agree with me on all things. We must have no secrets from each other, you are free to express your opinion, as am I. What we discuss between ourselves must remain between ourselves. Do you agree?"

A smile brightened her face. "Yes." She kissed me, in a chaste manner that is expected between marriage partners, just not before marriage. There was that smile again. "I love you."

"Oh dear," I looked into her eyes. "I do not know how I'll withstand the temptations that you are putting on me."

"Then don't. I will make you this promise, while in private I will allow, encourage, mutual demonstrations of affection to pass between us. In public, I will behave in a subservient manner as proscribed by your father." She put her arms around me. "Hold me."

"I think we should be getting back to our studies, don't you?" I opened my bible to the passage we were to study. Rebekkah sat close to me and her hand reached to my thigh under the table. I should have moved it, but it felt good, more than good.

We both silently read the Parable of the Good Samaritan. "What was Jesus' message with this Parable?" She asked me.

"It is about love that comes from an unexpected source."

"I think that there's more to it than that."

"Okay, what do you think it means?"

"For a start, he was highly critical of the Priest and the other guy for putting doing church before their duty to their fellow man."

"And?"

"That not offering assistance makes them as guilty as the thugs that assaulted the traveller."

"But, if they were to aid the man they would have made themselves unclean and unable to carry out their duties."

"That's a load of rubbish. If they were on their way to the temple they would not have yet cleansed themselves and, if they were on their way home, they would no longer need to remain cleansed. That is why I believe that he was critical of them placing doing church above doing the work of God."

"I can see that we are going to have some interesting conversations but I must warn you, these must remain between us, if you use these thoughts when Mother is examining you on what you have learnt, she will report you to my father and you will be shunned."

"I will do my best to remember that but, let me ask you, do you always agree with what you have been taught?"

"When I was much younger my father's word was gospel, you believed it all because he told you that you must."

"But you don't believe that now, do you?"

"I'm beginning to question his teaching, yes."

"My darling Simon, I love you even more. I knew, just by watching you while your father was preaching, that you were having second thoughts." She was about to move from thinking about kissing me to doing it when the door opened and Mother poked her head in. "Time for prayers." Her head disappeared.

Father waited until we were all in the room. "Oh Lord we beseech you to grant us an abundant harvest, may our trees bear much fruit and our gardens a fine crop. We ask that you look down on us your servants, keep us from harm and temptation so that we can, like your son Jesus, live blameless lives. May our community live in peace and harmony, friend with friend, parents with children and children with parents. This, your community, shall remain a shining example of a people who devote their lives and themselves to doing your good works.

We look about us at the world outside our walls and recognise the price that the world is paying for its continued disobedience to your word. This we pray in your name. Amen."

"Amen." We chorused.

We walked home together and when we were all seated at the table, Father called for silence.

"Lord, we ask that you bless the food that we are about to eat, may it strengthen us. Amen"

"Amen." We chorused again.

Dishes were passed and we each took a portion, making sure that there was sufficient for all before we began to eat.

It was my turn to do the dishes. "Would it be okay if I were to help, after all, we'll be doing this together after we wed?" Rebekkah asked.

"That would be fine," Father said. "I think they will make a great couple, what do you think?" He asked Mother.

"Yes, they are getting on so well together."

"Not too well, I hope." Father added.

Dish-washing wasn't as innocent as usual. I accidentally spilt some water on Rebekkah's front. Her nipples stood out, forming peaks. She handed me the tea towel. "You had better dry me."

The more I patted her breasts, the further her nipples stood out. "That feels so good." She sighed.

"We had better stop, what if someone comes in?"

"Oh all right, I'll be good." She sighed.

Life with Rebekkah was both a blessing and a curse. The blessing was getting to spend valuable time with my beautiful bride-to-be, both while I didn't so much as tutor her in Religious Studies, but enjoy our conversations on that subject. She, it was, that required me to begin to think outside the lessons we had been taught and to look at alternate meanings in the Scriptures. I must say that our time together had become most stimulating. The curse was our continued physical attraction to each other. What had begun as gentle flirtation had reached the point where we were in danger of succumbing to our carnal desires.

It all began when we decided that we should kiss before we began our studies. And then, after we had completed our studies. Slowly and inexorably our kissing time began to overshadow our study time. Then there was the introduction of a new factor, touching. What began as an accidental brushing of her breast had progressed to my hand slipping under her clothing to caress them. This took on a new perspective when Rebekkah's hand slid under the waistband of my trousers and began to stroke my penis.

"We should...." I said to her between my heavy intakes of breath. "Stop this..."

"I know... " She replied.

We didn't.

Then, we had been 'together' for almost a year when it happened, the big reveal. I raised her blouse to reveal no bra and her uncovered breasts. "They are the most beautiful I have ever seen."

"Probably the first." She whispered.

"Yes, there is that to it, but I can't imagine any more beautiful."

I kissed a nipple. "Don't stop," she whispered, "that feels so good."

I didn't stop. It was only a matter of minutes before she had opened my trousers to reveal my hard penis. "I can't wait to feel him inside me." She sighed before kissing the tip.

"We are going to have to wait or else we will be shunned."

"Who will see us?" She asked.

"No one, but I don't think that I could face my mother without my guilt showing."

"I notice that you don't mention your father, why is that?"

"Because my mother loves me and thinks of me, and us. My father thinks of himself and not us."

"I don't know about us, but I get the feeling that he is thinking about me." Rebekkah said quietly.

"What makes you say that?" I asked.

"It seems that, I don't know, every time I look at him he looks away, as if he's been caught out staring at me. I know he's your father, but I don't trust him. Some of the girls I've spoken to have mentioned that he takes a keen interest in them that's bordering on paedophilia."

"Do you know, six months ago I would have told you that you're imagining it."

"But not now. What has changed?"

"Something that I heard one of the men I work with say. He mentioned that his wife told him that my father told her that God ordered him to, in the guise of sexual education, have sex with her. I said nothing at the time but I think you should be careful."

"Darling, I'm worried." Rebekkah said.

"Why are you worried, I love you, you love me, what more do you need?"

"It's about your mother, she seems to be concerned about something and I don't know what it is. I asked her about it but she wouldn't tell me."

"I'm sure that there's nothing to it."

"I wouldn't be so sure. I know that she has been comforting Miles next door since Magda died, and she spends a lot of time with him, I think there's more to it than that."

Two weeks before our wedding day Rebekkah stayed over at our house, she had been staying over more frequently lately. She had a room to herself, my parents told us that they trusted us but didn't want to place temptation in our path. We all went to bed at ten o'clock. I kissed her good night. "Sleep well, but if anything happens yell and I'll be there."

"Why would you say that?"

"It's probably nothing, just be safe, okay?"

"I will Darling, I love you." Every time she said that to me it sent tingles right through my body.

I was just drifting off to sleep with my penis in my hand, wishing it was her hand, when there was a loud scream. "Who's there! Get out of here, now!"

I was out of my room before she had finished her scream. Father was backing out of her room. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"I heard Rebekkah scream and came to see what was wrong."

"That's a lie!" Rebekkah shouted at him. "You were by my bed with the bedclothes pulled down and your hand between my legs you filthy pervert!"

"I was not!" He denied. "She's lying!"

"I think that we should all calm down and return to our beds, we will discuss this in the morning." Mother said, grabbing Father by the hand and leading him back to their bedroom.

I held Rebekkah for some time as she trembled her way through the memory of her experience. "Ssh, it will be all right."

"Hold me, please hold me." I could feel her tears seeping through my pyjama top.

"I will obey your every wish, my love."

"I'm scared."

"Don't be, I'm here for you, you do know that, don't you?"

"Yes. It's not you that I'm scared of, it's your father, what if he decides to shun me and my family because of this?"

"If he does that he will be shunning me as well."

"No, I can't have you going against your father just for me."

"I wouldn't do it for anyone else." I attempted to lighten the mood. "Look, I've been giving a lot of thought to what my father does and what he stands for, I'm afraid that I am beginning to agree with your opinions on this whole community. The more that I compare it with the teachings of Jesus, the more I realise that it is a church in name only. I, we, need to think this through and decide where we stand. If it comes down to a choice between you and my father, I will always choose you." I kissed her to confirm my position.

"Darling Simon, I don't want to be the one to come between you and your father, the choice is yours to make, but I am going to make the choice easier for you. Can I sleep with you tonight?"

"Yes, my love, yes."

I would have had no second thoughts if we had decided to make love, but neither of us was in the mood. Having said that, "Darling Rebekkah, I have decided that I am prepared to ignore my father's teachings and we will make love even before we are wed. Making love, as opposed to having sex, is a spiritual confirmation of our physical feelings. I love you so very much."

"Mmm, that's nice." Her lips found their way to mine.

From the perfunctory manner with which Father delivered the pre-breakfast prayer, I'd say that Father and Mother had a long discussion about the events of last night. He maintained a sullen silence until he left to prepare for the morning worship service.

"Your father and I have had a long discussion about what happened last night. I'm afraid that it does not look good for Rebekkah. He is adamant that he was responding to your screams."

"Didn't you feel him get out of bed?" I asked.

"Yes, I thought that he was going to the bathroom."

"Mother, Rebekkah and I had a feeling that this was about to happen, you see, she has spoken to girls who have experienced a similar situation. The difference being, that they lived with the fear of their whole family being shunned if they complained. We were prepared for this, even though Rebekkah has only days to go before she reaches the age of consent."

"Some of the girls have told me," Rebekkah said, "that they had not reached the age of consent when he raped them during his 'preparation for marriage' programme that he ran for girls. He will claim that, and this was what he told them, as the spiritual leader of this community, working under the direct guidance of God, these secular rules do not exist. In the Bible, Paul tells us that we are to live in obedience to the laws set by those chosen to govern. If push comes to shove, we have several girls who are prepared to give evidence against him."

"I was afraid of that," Mother said. "you see, this is not the first time that he has done this. He has managed to convince the girl concerned, that he was acting on explicit instructions from God, and that they should never question God's authority."