All Comments on 'Friends Like You...'

at this line... "All right then, I want you to move into to his apartment for a few days." since that immediately tells me that the Author is either a fucking moron, or too lazy to take the time to write something even remotely believable. What a ridiculous concept. Did you even read your own story? the guy doesn't need proof of anything... Dwight called her. There was no "mystery"

Pretty good first effort, but has lots of room for improvement. You really got me interested in the story set up with the first few lines, and the background to Bobby & Sherry’s relationship. The wedding proposal scene was fun, and the overall narrative flow is very good.

On the negatives: you didn’t do yourself any favours by giving away the guilty party with the main title; a longer story – with a few more suspects and a red herring or two – would’ve added more tension and mystery. For a good example of the genre see ‘The Stein’ and ‘Brodricksburg’ by K.K.

The Suzanne and James O'Connor thread was underdeveloped. When “Big Jim” was mentioned at the end, it wasn’t immediately clear to me who he was.

(Note to the previous public comment: please, if you’re going to rate a story, at least bother to read it in its entirety!)

Don’t be put off by negative comments. Keep writing and I will keep reading.

Cheers,

Ange

Really enjoyed it, thanks for the effort.

This story started out with a lot of promise, but began to fall apart in the middle. A mystery must be that, a mystery. When the author started telling what both the good guys and the bad guys were thinking and doing, the reader is no longer reading a mystery story. It is now just a jumble of "facts", no suspense, and the trite "best friend" theme just fell apart.

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The ending was awful. It was enough the bad guys got sent to prison. Killing them diminished the stature of the good guys.

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Finally, I'll never understand why authors don't let someone else read their stories before publishing them. A quick read by anyone else -- or a free editor -- would have picked up the missing and additional quote marks that caused considerable confusion for the readers. The typos should have been caught as well. This author shows promise, but needs some serious editing assistance.

If anything, the story began to fall apart very near the beginning. Good fiction is even more plausible than real life and this "story" is an example of how too many writers simply do not understand that.</p>

The dialogue, in particular, in this "story" is deplorable. It's too formal by about a thousand percent, inane in most places, and apparently thrown in to the mix by the writer because he figured he should have someone say "something" somewhere.</p>

The ending was a farce. It was rushed, unrealistic, and read like the "writer" had been told he MUST tie up all loose ends or fail miserably. Frankly, this "writer" needs to find some writing classes and attend them for a number of years.

at least in this story the bad guys all got what they deserved ...and in many ways thats all we look for that the good guys win and the bad ones die....

That's because you are a peice of shit garbage that only likes a story if it contains humiliation and a wimp husband and a slut wife. Not every woman is like your mother was...get that through your retarded brain and stop trying to act like a normal person...you know your mother fucked her brothers and that's how you and your siblings came about. Instead of writing stupid comments get your old pitiful mother out of the dog pound where she fucks the inmates. you halfwit..marriedwithballs@yahoo.com

I think this story flowed fairly well. There were some plot holes as others have pointed out, and some portions did seem rushed. It is unlikely someone like Dwight would confess so easily, despite Kenny's turning on him. But all in all, I liked the story and it was far more original than most in the "Loving Wives" category. At least, our man acted like a man, not a cuckold wimp fairy ass . . . .

It isn't a bad story, but there is definitely some improvement to be had. Best advice: don't take the harsh criticism personally, try to learn from the better critics and keep writing. You definitely have talent.

The prose needs some polishing, and there are rough spots in the plotting but a good try at a challenging genre. The characters were reasonably well-done but Dwight hiding his dislike of Bobby for decades was not believable. Sooner or later, Dwight would let something of his true feeling slip out, and Bobby would discover what his "friend" really thought. Asking the reader to suspend this disbelief strains the credibility of the tale and damages the storytelling.

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Overall, well done. Thank you for your effort.

I know I don't take my own advice but ignore the negative comments, take note of the constructive ones ignore the rest. Good story over all I'm still not entirely sure Sherry should have stayed with dwight bu tthen it was part of the story. Anyway carry on writing.

There were a few problems with spelling but it looks like

you have talent.

Good luck and Thanks for writing

I agree that Sherry moving into the apartment with Dwight was dumb and not realistic. The ending was probably over the top. But for a first story, this was a reasonably good read. I think some of the comments are too harsh.

I have a problem with all heros in stories being over the top marines or special forces or seals but that is a personal whim. The story was realistic, the setup was not smooth and Dwight left himself open by being the one to call her. After all isnt the messenger the first to be killed? No all men are not wanna be sluts and adulterers. And no all women dont immediately drop into some man's bed for revenge. The only unrealistic thing about the story itself is that the whole scene went down in a few hours. The deaths of the two idiots in prison was no loss to society and had nothing to do with the two main characters of the story so it in no way dimishes the right over stupidity side of the story. Personally I doubt the two would have ever made it to jail........... Most likely would have been shot attemting to escape after somehow getting one of the officers guns.

Unlike the many as of late - you told a story quite well about life and consequence that was entertaining and arousing. The cuck writers should take note of how its done.<P>

Constructively - a very good start with better than average believability. There was some character respect and some consequence for the baddies - therefore it came off as reasonably credible.<P>

Writer mistakes are part of the process to gain experience and confidence. You brought imagination and better than raw talent to this effort. Based on this you certainly showed the intent and talent to grow within a reasonably life like plot and generally appreciated arena.<P>

Editors have eyes and the experience new writers need to grow faster and easier. Think about that and these important attributes any good Author has - respect /credibility / diligence / patience / a sense of measured consequence when appropriate & a writer list of intended standards of self expectation.<P>

I / we look forward to your next.<P>

With High Regard

I enjoyed your story. I agree with Alvaron53 in his comments.<P>Thank you for the entertainment and please keep writing. <P>PT

Big Jim always believed paybacks are a son of a bitch.

I love stories that end with a twist! Semper Fi! Keep on writing!

Very well done. A few misused words but not enought to detract from the story. Please keep writing - a well done story plan and a grabber of an ending.

"All right then, I want you to move into to his apartment for a few days. Act like an enraged, betrayed " yeah, that's what they would do, she'd move in with the jack-ass.

Couldn't even waste my time reading further... lazy writing.

Here's another one: leave out the slang. It didn't work for me. Just leaving off "g" on the end of a word isn't enough to carry off colloquialisms or gutter talk.

Cops are killers and cowards.

Sometime we readers say the most asinine (for annonomous below that means really dumb) things. But the below comment takes the Jerk Off prize!

DWmoronock must be in terrible pain.

Did you fail to read the words again????

There were no even over the edge actions by the cops in this story - up[ to the edge with Kenny and Dwight in the patrol car MAYBE but not over. the investigation of Dwight after he drugged and kidnapped 2 people (the opening paragraph you may remember it was where the whole damn story started) was not even stepping over just poor practice letting the victim run the surveillance.

Get a grip - Nice story well told and executed - the editing issue remains but wont be fixed at this late date.

as a low in LW themes or story lines. Way too predictable and unimaginative.

A good story. I thoroughly enjoyed it as did many others I am sure. Maybe some of your critics should try writing instead of just criterizing others. Keep writing.

thank you.

Some unbelievable parts

#1 I don't think Dwight was smart enough to set up the ploy to break-up Bobby and his wife.

# 2 Dwight is a drug dealer and he is going to try and screw over two cops.

Thanks for sharing.

But not great.

Great plot line, good characters, but the flow was more like a newbie stick shift driver .... herky jerky.

One flaw: the redhead said she was certain she didn't have sex. She said this after checking herself in the bathroom. And yet, his friend admits that he had a little taste before leaving the hotel room. Did she have sex or not?

Otherwise, a good tale. Four stars.

Great revenge against the assholes. They got what they deserved.

I'm glad the author did not extend the tale by having Bobby and Sherry separated for a longer period of time.

A great read! One of the best!

Why did you have to mention that the doorman was black? You racist bastard.

When you get a room in a hotel/motel, they will always ask for ID since you could damage the room or add additional fees such as long distance calls. They will also ask for your car license.

into a story...good job mm. TK U MLJ LV NV

He was a fucking nigger

If Dwight had a little bite' of Big Jim's daughter, she would have thought Bobby and she had sex!

Dwight had a "taste" of the redhead you meant exactly that. He evidently licked her for awhile and since he didn't want to leave a DNA trail that's all he did. Just a dominance game for him, more important than actual penetrative sex. I liked the specter of the father in the back ground. Gave it kind of a "oh shit" feel. Good job.

Gave it 4.

Would have easily been 5 if you would have explored more between Sherry and Bob.

Why was she still dating other guys after she started having sex with Bob?

Why didn't she ever tell Bob she dated Dwight?

What about the aftermath of her sexual assault and how easily she was falling into the trap before Bob confronted her at their home?

You left too many interesting and important story threads dangling.

Your stories have a vomit in each one. No more vomit fetish. Its disgusting. Try to find another device..

stupid plot. stupid people.

The lame excuse for anguish in so many melodramatic stories. This Lifetime Channel stuff does nothing for me. Not entertaining. Not erotic.

i truly hope you are not realy a cop becouze having a big ego is a cop is realy not what they should have

ego breats arogance and arogance and with arogance comes that i know best mentality wich is funest in a cop who should allways be able to think about all posibles reasons outcomes

so yeah i truly hope you dont even know police man becouze if evry cop had a "BIG EGO" we all would be having a pretty big problem

I don't really know what to make of sort of odd ball story.

Well written. Good characters.

Fantastic ending.

Only comment. Plot was a little thin on Dwight's side. Could see it coming a mile away. Still enjoyed it.

Good story of friend's betrayal and payback in the end. The good guy won and that's all I need. Don't believe I've seen an asshole cooked alive before in any LW story.

Seriously, brilliant police work. Send your wife to live with the guy who just drugged two people unconscious. And did it to get her pussy. That's not a drugged rape waiting to happen. What an award winning genius of a cop you've written.

Great story with a lot of action. How many LW stories ended with the bad guy named like a ham? This one is cool.

No food or drink when dealing with drugs

DUMB

Otherwise decent story

I enjoyed reading this piece. I do think in the middle there are several ways you could have expanded it. Have a little of a cat and mouse game. Extend the time before the climax with the villain trying to be a “friend” to both. Would have loved to hear how the redheads father found out and reaction. Maybe even villain finding the gun before the ending. Regardless, thought the piece had merit and enjoyed.

I learned Rohipnol and Ecstasy aren't only a bane for women.

The B&W movie classics from the 40's and 50's that used a "mickey" to knock out women and the hero should have been better understood!

"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana

Good story! 5 stars.

That’s a great story with an unusually well done ending.

Sending your wife to stay at a would-be rapist's house doesn't sound like great planning. Seems like it was just dumb chance that prevented it from going all the way.

0 star - violence always gets ZERO and that kind of thing happening between military brothers - NOT in my lifetime.

Good, but it badly needed proofreading.

Secretsal, it got the writer off. There are the unrepentant rape fans and the covert ones. The covert ones write shit like this and pretend it's art while imagining their girlfriends or wives raped while they beat off.

Pretty interesting story. Dwight came across as a psychopath who had no problem using and manipulating anyone who was useful for him. Was he like that before he was wounded in the war? If that question was answered in the story, I missed it. But it seemed like Karma made an appearance in the end. Or was it just Big Jim taking care of business?

I laugh every time I read another incoherent bitchfest from "AngelRider". Bitch, you've got to be the world's worst social worker. Haahahaha!!!

Bobby:"Doesn't he understand Sherry would kill him afterwards?"

====> sorry but this plot was quite surreal.

First, after Bobby and Sherry reconcile his set up / faked one night slip, Bobby had the brilliant idea of his wife moving in with Dwight, who he knew set up or was part of the conspiracy to set him up, and as a policeman, Bobby would know he was drugged, and btw why didn't he get tested? Those drugs are detectable in urine as metabolites for anwhere from 3-7 days depending on the drug and the dosing. To knock out a large adult amle solidly for a few hours, that was not a small dose. So why put Sherry in harm's way of a drugging and rape by Dwight? Yes the plot has Kenny reveal to him Dwight's intentions with Sherry, but after Sherry told him about Dwight's invite and her almost doing it to make Bobby mad (dumb idea on her part), he himself should think that with Dwight's trying to wreck their marriage, anything is possible.

Second, let's say she had been drugged and raped. It was obviously strong enough that she not only lost control knowing that Dwight was making a move thar night and her Glock nearby, but ahe couldn't even remember her own name at first. There is zero chance that she doesn't recognize afterwards as a female homicide detective that she was drugged and raped. What are we going with the inane LW trope that she woukd get raped by Dwight under the influence and it woukd be so pleasurable (though she would forget most or all of it) and want repeat performances because the sex is so cosmic and she wouldn't care that she was drugged and raped? Balderdash.

Instead she or Bobby would have killed Dwight. The best Dwight could hope for would be getting beaten up severely and taken to jail. Dwight had no way to restrain her and continue raping her. She wouldn't somehow magically fall in live with him. Wtf? She would kill him or arrest him. Her dose was obviously high and she would be tested for date rape drugs and X. Despite the suspense in the story, even if she were raped, Bobby and Sherry would survive and work it out. She might need therapy. She is a tough homicide detective. Dwight would not torch their marriage by raping her. And he wouldn't win Sherry's heart by raping her. His revenge coukd only end in ruin for him. Her rape woukd have been traumatic but she and Bobby would get past Dwight's assault on their marriage on on her person.

Because they were both police, there needs to be a much more credible threat to awaken dramatic tension. Or make one of them, especially Sherry not a police detective, but then the idea to have her stay with Dwight would be laughable. Maybe have her stay with relatives, but Dwight put moves on her. As it stood, therr was no way that it doesn't end badly for Dwight.