Friendship

Special thanks on this one to Randi for all her help and expertise. She is truly knowledgeable and a pleasure to work with.

*****

A wise man once said, "Choose to surround yourself with people who want the best for you." I learned the hard way that these words couldn't be truer. It's easy to find friends who aren't good for you. The trick is to identify those people and try to keep your distance. It took a while for me to find people I could trust and who would put trust in me. Once you associate with good people and get used to that type of friendship, it gets easier to find what you're looking for.

I thought I had that, after a rocky start. Then shit happened. Mom tried to tell me. "Tom Dunne, you keep hanging with those sorry friends and someday you'll be in a jam you won't like." When she used both names, you knew she was dead serious.

My name's Tom Dunne, thirty-three years old, and in a very good place in my life. But it wasn't always that way, Mom had the hard job of raising me by herself after my dad died when I was twelve years old. As I look back, his death affected me in a terrible way. I lost interest in school. I started petty shoplifting and smoking cigarettes at a young age. We did just about anything you could do to get in trouble. I say we, because I started hanging with two other guys who were carbon copies of me. My mother was always working and trying to take care of my two little sisters. I'd like to say she neglected me, or was a bad parent, but that just wasn't true. She was busy, life as a single mother was hard and I was really sneaky. She did her best, but life dealt her a bad hand.

By the time I got to high school, it went to a whole new level. We were stealing from garages, stores, and even relatives if we could get away with it. Still smoking cigarettes, but now we added weed as much as we could, and we could a lot. We were high half of high school. I don't know how I graduated. They must have really wanted to get rid of me. I think one of my buddies never did graduate. It's hard to graduate from high school if you only show up about half the time. We didn't drink a lot of booze because it was harder to hide and took longer to get high.

We all knew about the different groups in high school. There were the jocks and cheerleaders, the smart kids that we called nerds, add in the goths, the goody two-shoes and the bullies, and you've got most of the high school stereotypes covered. We were none of those. We were best described as the punks. We were usually high, hated going to class or doing homework, plus the teachers and administrators couldn't stand us. The girls who hung around with us were just like us. They weren't very nice girls. All they wanted to do was get high and get in trouble with us. They also were very promiscuous. They would do anything for us if we asked. There were about ten of us in our group. There were about six guys and four girls. We all fed off each other and we brought everybody else down.

The lucky thing for me is that I never got caught doing anything really bad. That's not to say I didn't do anything; I just never got caught. A couple of my buddies did some juvenile detention, along with one of the girls. I also I never got anyone pregnant. That happened with a few of my friends. I was lucky.

After high school, I had no intention of going to college, or the grades, so I got a job stocking shelves at a grocery store. It was a third-shift job that actually fit in to my lifestyle. I was kind of used to being up all night and sleeping during the day, so the job was a good fit. I would work all night, then go home to eat and get high. After sleeping all day, I'd get up when most people were sitting down to dinner. I'd eat, play video games all night or have a girl over, then go to work around eleven in the evening. I'd do this five days a week, then on the weekends, I'd party as much as possible. My whole paycheck would go to booze, drugs and food. I was living in a dump of a house with three other guys and one girl. My life was going nowhere for about three years, and I was fine with it. That was until something happened that put a shock thru my system

I was working on a Wednesday night around twelve when it happened. The cops raided our house, and thank God I wasn't there. One of my roommates was stealing some expensive stuff out of warehouses and selling it on the street or online. I always wondered why he had more money than the rest of us. He had a decent car and his own laptop. He could buy stuff I could never afford. Another of my roommates was dealing in some nasty drugs. I bought weed from him from time to time, but had no idea he was selling some the hard stuff.

When the cops burst in, the thief had stuff in his trunk, his room and the attic of our house. The dealer had so many drugs under his bed and in his closet, he could have started his own pharmacy. The girl wasn't home, either. I think she spent the night at some dude's house. The other roommate was home, and even though he wasn't involved in any of their shit, he was still booked as an accomplice. All I had at the house was old clothes and video games. I never went back.

I was lost when I got off work that morning. I heard about the bust in the middle of the night from another friend. I didn't know how he heard about it, but I owed him a dept of gratitude for clueing me in. I left work completely lost. I had really hit rock bottom. I had no transportation, only the clothes on my back and about three hundred dollars in my checking account. On the plus side, I had a job, pretty good health, didn't have a police record, nobody was pregnant, so no kids, and I wasn't hooked on anything. That wasn't much of an upside for me. The worst thing was I didn't have real friends I could trust.

At that point in time, I felt as low as a person can feel. My self-esteem was gone and I had nowhere to go. I decided to go to a coffee shop and hang out for a few hours. All my life I was lazy, unappreciative and selfish. I knew I had to change because I had hit the bottom; there was no "down" from there. I needed help and advice. I had been nothing but trouble for my mother and had no real friends. I was too embarrassed to call my mom and ask for help. After sitting in that shop all morning consuming four cups of coffee, it finally dawned on me I had one person I could ask for help.

Since I was a child, especially after my dad died, I had one person I always admired. That was my grandfather: my mom's dad. I looked up to him. Even though I'm sure I was a source of worry, I knew I could count on him to give me some help. When I was a punk teenager, I always rejected his help and I was surely a big disappointment. As I got older, I realized what a support he and grandma were to my mom, especially financially. No matter how badly I acted, he always spoke to me with respect. I loved that. I didn't have any right to ask for my grandpa's help, but I was in a bad way, with nowhere else to turn. So, I did maybe the first smart thing in my life, and I picked up my phone and called for help.

"Grandpa," I said, "It's Tommy." He always called me Tommy.

"Hey, Tommy, how you doin?"

"Not so good, Grandpa," I said softly, "I've got problems and I don't know what to do?"

"Where are you, Tommy, I'm coming to pick you up."

"Thank you, Grandpa."

At his home my grandma made us something to eat and we went into his den. "Tommy, why don't you tell me about your life and how you're feeling about it? "he said.

I told him everything. Everything, meant starting in high school until that morning. It was pretty much all lows with very few highs. I was honest about the people I hung around with and the way I acted. He didn't interrupt. He let me talk at my own pace. It was an embarrassing story, but at the same time cathartic. My grandpa wasn't judgmental, and it felt good to bare my soul. When I was done, he waited a few minutes before he spoke.

"How do you feel about your life, and do you want to change some things?"

"Grandpa, I think I want to change everything. Last night scared the hell out of me. I got lucky or I would be heading to jail right now. It I don't change things up, I know I'll end up in trouble of some kind. I just don't know which way to go."

"I'll tell you what, Tommy. I wasn't that much different than you are when I got out of high school I was depressed because my girlfriend had just dropped me. I was drinking too much and my dad was about to throw me out of our house."

"What did you do, Grandpa?"

"Well, it wasn't so much what I did. It was more what my dad did for me. He took me to the recruiting office and told me if I didn't enlist, he was going to throw me out. He said the service might straiten me out and get my head out of my ass."

"Is that what you did?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I did. I signed up for the Marines and it changed my whole life for the better. It gave me a job, training, physical fitness, discipline and a good group of people to bond with. Best thing I ever did, besides marrying your grandma, of course."

"Wow, Grandpa. I never knew any of that. Do you think that's what I should do?"

"Yes, Tommy, it would be good for you, and from what you told me, it sounds like you need it."

"Thanks, Grandpa; do you think you could give me a lift there now?"

"No, you need to go home and see your mother. Tell her what you plan to do and tell her how you want to change your life around. She needs to hear this, Tommy. She worries a lot about you. I'll give you a lift home and then pick you up tomorrow to go to the enlistment office."

"Grandpa, thanks again for all you help. I've never told you before how much I love you, but I do. I promise I won't let you down."

That's what I did. I talked to my mom, got a few winks and went to work for the last time. I told my boss what I was doing and he congratulated me. He told me I was a guy with some potential, and hoped the Marines could bring it out of me.

I went to training camp a week later. The week in-between allowed me to spend some quality time with my mom, my sisters and my grandparents. I had no idea that my life was so important to my family. My mom doted on me and my sisters wouldn't leave me alone for a minute. They all said they would worry about me, but were so proud, also. I knew no matter what, I would never knowingly let them down again. I was important to them and I would keep them looking up to me. No more disappointment from this guy

Saying you're going to join the Marines and change your life is one thing, but actually doing it is another. My drill instructor was tough. His name was Sergeant Kane and he was a rigid no-nonsense soldier. Don't forget I had been lazy my whole life, and now I had him kicking my ass every day. Boot camp for Marines is a thirteen week extremely difficult ordeal. The training leads up to a fifty-four culminating event known as the Crucible, which is the final graduation requirement. Many times, over those weeks I didn't know if I was going to make it. Two things got me through the camp. First were the other guys in my boot camp unit. They were a great bunch of guys and we all worked together and rooted for each other. I had never had friendships like that before. The other thing was I didn't want to disappoint my grandpa or my mom. I was determined to make them proud of me for once in my life. I had never done one good thing in my life that they could be proud of. I had to undo that reputation. I was going to die trying to get through camp. I know that sounds dramatic, but at the time, I felt it was my last hope for a good life.

I did make it, but just barely. I wasn't totally unathletic, but I was badly out of shape. All I had been doing was smoking dope and eating pizza or other crap. Thank God my job was stocking shelves in a grocery, so I was sort of active eight hours a day, and not obese. That was enough to just barely get me through.

I really did love being a Marine. I was around good people and good families all the time. The Marines gave me direction and a loyalty to my country, the Marines and my friends. I was in an environment that I needed, probably more than anyone there. These people really did want the best for me, and I wanted the best for them.

The other great thing about my time in the Marine's was I took courses and gained some skills. It turned out I had an affinity for computers. Well, not just computers, but phones, cable systems and all sorts of wireless networks. Maybe all my time playing video games had some benefit, or maybe not. After training, I was on a crew updating and repairing cable and wireless systems at naval bases all over the world. I saw limited combat duty, but I was in communications, so I that was rare. I spent eight years in the Marines and I loved my life there. After eight years, I felt it was time to use my experience and make my way in civilian life. I also wanted to help my mom if I could and spend time with my grandparents, who weren't getting any younger.

I wasn't out long before I found a good job with the cable provider in our area. I was installing and repairing systems in large companies. Within a year, I was promoted to manager where I was scheduling and overseeing all of our crews in a two-state area.

I was thirty-two years old, making good money and enjoying life with a new group of good friends. I had been dating off and on, but I hadn't found anyone special. I was out checking on a crew who were working at a large insurance company that were switching over to us. I was in their accounting department and talking to a young woman who was working with my people. She was talking about problems they were having, and I wasn't hearing anything she said. I know you hear about love at first sight. Well, I don't know if it was that, but I was totally infatuated. She didn't have a ring on, so I clumsily asked her if she could have lunch with me that day. She might have thought I was crazy, but she giggled and said okay. That was the start of my courtship with Jenny Stuart.

Jenny was a pretty girl. She wasn't flashy or really sexy, but she was so nice and I loved her smile. She was an only child and she lived at home with her mother. Her dad was much older and died when she was in high school. She stayed in town for college, and majored in accounting. She had dated some, but I was her first real boyfriend. We connected on so many levels. She was twenty-four to my thirty-two, so my life experiences were much greater. I never thought about her life being too protected. She was nice, I was smitten, so six months after we met, I asked her to marry me. When she said yes, it was one of the most exciting moments of my life.

I felt like I had finally and completely changed the trajectory of my life. I had learned discipline, loyalty and comradery in the Marines. I had started learning skills in the Marines, and continued afterward to be able to get a good job and earn a living. Now, I was going to marry a good person and soon enjoy children and a family of my own. While doing all of this, I reconnected with my family and made some wonderful new friendships with a good group of people. I had a lot to look forward to.

Jenny and I were married six months after I proposed. We bought a three-bedroom house in a nice neighborhood. We decided to wait on children for a while so we could enjoy each other and fix up our house the way we wanted. Jenny's mom and my family were often over for dinners and barbecues. Jenny didn't have a lot of girlfriends, but I had made lots of friends at work, and elsewhere. We ended up socializing with these people quite a bit.

About eighteen months into our marriage, Jenny approached me one night when we got home from work. "Tom, some girls from work go out to dinner on Tuesday nights. They want me to join them. Do you have any problem with that?"

"No, Jen, you need to have some girls to hang with. Do I know these women?"

"I don't think so, Tom. There are three of them that go out. Two are single, Betsy and Ronny. The other girl is married. Her name's Louann. I'm excited. I've never been asked by anyone at work to do anything socially. I think I could use some girl time."

I had no objections and nothing really changed for a long time. We still had a lot of fun with friends and family. I guess the only change was her Tuesday nights. I really didn't mind. I knew she needed her own girlfriends. What I didn't like was that the Tuesday nights started with her getting home around seven thirty. Within a few months, the time stretched to ten thirty or so. Although she never seemed drunk, they did drink, so I didn't like her driving home that way.

Things started to change about three months later when I was out of the office on a Friday afternoon. Jenny knew I never answered my cell when on a job site and she left me a message.

"Tom, I'll be home late tonight because I'm going to dinner with the girls from work. Please take care of your own dinner and I'll see you later."

I wasn't too keen on her message, but what could I do? By the time I got her message, she was already gone from work. She must have turned her phone off, because when I called her it went straight to voice mail. I had no clue where they went to dinner, so I just fixed some food and sat around, watching a movie. I'm not sure when she got home, but it was after ten-thirty when I dozed off in my recliner. When I woke at one o'clock, she was home and sleeping in our bed. The next morning, I felt I had to ask.

"Jen, what's with last night. You leave a late message and turn your phone off?"

She seemed exasperated. "Tom, I've never done anything like this before and I had a good time. Please don't ruin my night out with the girls."

"But, what did you do and where did you go? I was worried about you."

"Why would you worry? I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. We went to that nice Italian place, Ginola's, for dinner and they have a club next door where we had some drinks and danced a little bit. We had a good time."

I should have told her I'd like to have a good time on a Friday night. I'd have been glad to take her for dinner and dancing, but I didn't. I felt I had to be supportive of her life with her girlfriends. After all, on occasion, I played cards with some guys, and once in a while played golf on a weekend. Jenny and I had never really argued and I wasn't sure I had the right to make a big deal out of it.

That was another change in our young marriage. Tuesdays and Fridays, she was out with her friends, and I was left to fend on my own. Tuesdays still were a worknight, so she got home around ten to ten-thirty, but Fridays started becoming a midnight sort of deal. I kept my mouth shut until something happened a few months later. Some friends from work organized a trivia night to raise some money for a family that had some big hospital bills because of their son with cancer. My company had bought a lot of tables, and as a manager I was expected to go. Besides, I knew this family and I wanted to go to be supportive. Well, Jenny told me flat out she wouldn't miss her Friday night out with her friends for a trivia night. I told her it was for a good cause and everyone was going as couples. I didn't want to go by myself. She still said no way, and she wasn't very nice about it.

Something clicked in me that week. What could possibly be so special about Friday nights that she couldn't accommodate her husband on a work-related occasion? Especially at an event where they were raising money for a nice family, and people that I knew. I also didn't like her attitude with me when I asked her to go. She had never talked to me with any disrespect until that night. No, that's not really true. When I thought about it, we hadn't been as close the last month or so. She didn't want to be around me as much. I thought couples married for a few years naturally weren't as lovey-dovey, my feelings certainly hadn't changed. I wanted the closeness and affection we had enjoyed all along. I also wanted the frequency of love making that had dropped off a cliff. With her being out late two nights a week, we had gone from four or five nights a week, to maybe two. Saturdays had become the day she slept in late with a hangover. By the time she got up and joined the living, it was late and we never spent the day together like we had. It had been gradual, but it was she who was pulling away in our relationship, so, with all this in mind, I decided to check up on her nights out. The trivia night was still a few seeks off, so I had that Friday night to see what was so special. All I had to do was download an app and I could find her phone wherever she went.